Bad Sex: Is Honesty Always the Best Policy? April 16, 2008

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , 2comments

Hollywood always makes sex look amazing. It’s all candlelight, slushy music, writhing sweaty bodies and moan of pleasure but in reality things can be a lot different.

Take my ex boyfriend Harry for example. We met at the gym and after a few months of me trying my hardest to look attractive while almost passing out after just 10 minutes on the treadmill he finally asked me on a date. Harry was a typical gym-lover. He was 6ft 2, nicely tanned, with plenty of bulging muscles!

You see muscles aren’t usually my thing. I much prefer my men a bit rough around the edges-however I’m thinking more Andrew Flintoff than Rick Waller. Anyway the idea of Harry’s bulging biceps wrapping around me and the thought of holding onto those huge strong shoulders was far too much to resist and my usual taste went out of the window.

Three dates later and me and Harry had barely passed first base and it was driving me nuts. Don’t get me wrong I’m not one of those girl’s who dishes it out after one coffee date- it takes more than a skinny latte and a muffin to get into my knickers- but I just couldn’t help but lust after Harry. I don’t know if it was his rippling muscles showing through his shirt or his cheeky little grin but something told me that sex with him was going to be nothing short of mind blowing.

Anyway a week into our new ‘friendship’ and things finally started to heat up. We’d just enjoyed a nice romantic meal before meeting up with some of his friends at a swanky club where we both got a little tipsy and had a right good giggle. He’d invited me back to his apartment and we were soon in the middle of a rather steamy snogging session on his couch.

I felt a rush of excitement as finally he made a move and ran his hand up my leg and under my dress. His hands were big and his grip strong as he grabbed hold of my waist and pulled me on top of him .Before long he was hard and pushing inside me. I’d fantasised about this moment for weeks while sweating it out on the treadmill so to finally be experiencing the real thing felt amazing. He gripped my bum hard while he bounced me up and down on his cock and kissed my neck. I could feel the waves of pleasure starting to build inside me already and then it happened……I heard the all too familiar groans of pleasure as Harry gripped me harder and then loosened his grip and lay back on the couch….he had come already! 30 seconds has to be a record!

As I left Harry’s flat the next day I had talked myself into taking the previous night’s disappointment as a one off. First time sex is always a bit of a let down. We’d been quite drunk and perhaps I had hyped it all up a bit much. Next time we’ll take it slower and everything will be fine…..I was wrong!

A week, and 8 more sessions, later…yes I was counting!…. and things were no better. I’d tried every trick in the book to slow things down. Massage, a slow seductive strip, those condoms with mild anaesthetic in and I’d even brought a cock ring into the equation- which I must add was discarded after a few minutes because it was ‘too restricting’ for him. Anyway I was starting to get seriously frustrated and I knew the best way to deal with this is by being honest.

“You need to just tell him straight,” said my work mate Amy one day, “Honesty is the best policy. If he doesn’t know he isn’t pleasuring you then how can he change that.”She made a very good point so the next night I decided to have a word with Hasty Harry.

After I cooked him an exotic meal of microwave lasagne and chips we retired to the living room to watch some tele. It wasn’t long before we started kissing and I could sense Harry was in the mood for some loving.

“Harry, “ I said as he started unbuttoning my dress, “Do you mind if we take it slow tonight?”

“Why?, “ he replied as he continued what he was doing. This threw me completely.

“Errm just because I enjoy it more when we take our time,” I continued, trying to be as sensitive as possible.

“Well I like it hard and fast, “ Harry replied, “It just doesn’t feel good if we go too slow.”

I was amazed that he was dismissing my requests without a thought.

“Well I’d like us to give it a try,” I tried again, “It is quite important that I enjoy it too.”

That’s when Harry really flipped…..

“Well if you saying you don’t enjoy sex with me then you know what you can do,” he shouted as he brushed me aside and stood up. I was gobsmacked by his reaction. “I don’t have to take this shit from you. You think you’re all that but your not even a good shag yourself. Your just some slag I picked up at the gym” he ranted.

I couldn’t believe how he had turned just because he thought I was questioning his bedroom skills. He’d gone from this nice caring, sexy, gym god to an angry, ranting idiot. Obviously I didn’t give him chance to hang about and insult me further and before you could say ‘premature ejaculation’ he was out of the door.

Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not totally heartless and I do understand that premature ejaculation can affect a lot of men at some point in their lives and I know it isn’t their fault but it was Harry’s unwillingness to acknowledge it and consider the effect it was having on my sexual enjoyment that really annoyed me.

I was prepared to work through the problem together and help him to get over it but instead he just wanted to shout at me and insult me.

So honesty didn’t work this time- but what’s the alternative- a life of not enjoying sex??

This was almost the case for my friend Sarah. She was totally head over heels in love with her childhood sweetheart Mike. They had been together since high school and really were the perfect couple. They shared the same music tastes, same friends, same sense of humour and even finished each others sentences….quite sickening really!

Anyway they had been together for about ten years when Sarah revealed a shocking secret to us during one girly DVD night at my house.

“I’ve never had an orgasm,” she confessed.

“What do you mean?” I asked in shock, “You and Mike have been having sex since you were about 15.”

“Yes, but I’ve never ever come..well at least I don’t think I have,” she said.

“Trust me you know when you have hunny,” piped up our friend Jayne.

“It’s not like I don’t enjoy it,” explained Sarah, “But I just never seem to get to that ultimate moment so I always end up just faking it because I think Mike must be getting bored of waiting”

After much more explanation and some rather comical demonstrations of the best positions from myself and Jayne, Sarah was determined she was going to have an orgasm whether Mike liked it or not. So she decided the best thing to do was sit him down and let him in on her secret. Yes he was a little surprised at first and a tad hurt that she hadn’t mentioned this before. He’d gone through years thinking he was a love god with a totally satisfied girlfriend and suddenly he felt like he’d let her down.

But after a long heart to heart and lots of cuddles and reassurance they were ready to get down to some serious orgasm making. Fast forward 2 weeks and Sarah’s had more orgasms than she could have imagined and they are both totally happy and even more in love with each other.

Great sex is all about trust and you can’t have trust without honestly. It all sounds very sensible and moralistic but if there is something bothering you about your partner or their sexual technique honesty really is the best policy. Nine times out of ten you both want the other person to enjoy sex so you really want to know if they are not. And if you do encounter a completely irrational, paranoid, doughnut like Harry then you honestly are much better off without him.

Meeting The Parents: Is it Really That Scary? February 4, 2008

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , add a comment

Meeting someone’s parents or letting them meet yours is one of the biggest steps in the early stages of a relationship and I don’t know one person who enjoys it. But just why is it so scary?

It was after a conversation I had the other day that I started to wonder what the big deal is. My little sister Stacey was inviting her boyfriend round to meet my dad for the first time and she’d called me to an emergency lunch/ meeting to give her some advice.

My dad isn’t exactly Hitler but I wouldn’t say he is the softest of father’s either. He did chase one of my first boyfriends down the drive with a chain saw- but that was just unfortunate that he happened to be cutting the hedge when the poor sod attempted to knock on the door. It didn’t half give him a fright though. I was only 14 at the time and this guy was a few years older, drove a rather noisy car and happened to supply my older brother with cannabis so looking back I can see why he didn’t like me hanging around with him. However since those days he has calmed down and has learnt to accept that his precious little princesses do have boyfriends- although he’s yet to believe we have sex but we’re working on that!

Stacey is twenty and she’s just about to start her last year studying Law at Oxford Uni- yes she was the bright one of the family! Anyway she’s been seeing her boyfriend Nev for nearly a year but being away at uni meant she could hide him away from Dad- until now. But Nev is not like your typical student, lager lout lad. He’s from a very well to do family- Nev is short for Neville- he studies hard and absolutely adores Stacey. So where most guys of his age would be desperate to avoid meeting the parents Nev is actually really keen and has been bugging Stacey to take him home with her for months. I have no doubt that my Dad will approve of barrister-in-the-making Nev but Stacey is worried how Nev will cope with meeting Dad.

‘You know what Dad’s like!’ she moaned to me over lunch, ‘He thinks it’s funny to embarrass people and he’s going to have a field day with Nev.’

It was true. My Dad is a wind up merchant and will probably have poor Nev on the verge of tears within minutes but he only means it in jest and would hate to really upset someone. Things could be a lot worse and Stacy should think herself lucky.

My friend Joanna has got to be in the running for the prize of ‘worse parents to meet’. She comes from a very ‘proper’ Christian family who live in a small village in the Cheshire countryside, go to church every Sunday before coming home to a family dinner after which they sit round the table playng Trivial Pursuit all afternoon. Sounds very idyllic and traditional but in reality it drove Jo crazy!

So as soon as she hit 18 she moved away to uni in London, learnt to fend for herself, found a love of drinking and clubbing and has never looked back. When it comes to visiting the family back home Jo bravely gets out the wooly jumper her mum sent down for her birthday, leaves behind her killer heels and heads to Cheshire where everyone is clueless about her crazy city lifestyle.

One of the main problems Joanna has with her family’s strict morals is their strong opposition to sex outside of marriage. Having had two serious relationships and numerous flings during her time at uni Jo has well and truly thrown that family tradition out of the window- but still when she goes home she feels like she has to act like the Virgin Mary and pretend to her parents that she has no interest in boys whatsoever.

Last year when it was time for the obligatory Easter visit up North Jo was feeling sick at the thought of spending a week away from the London life she loved so much and also away from her latest love, Marc, who she had met just 5 weeks before but whom she had barely been apart from since.

‘I really don’t want to go,’ she moaned to Marc on a lazy Sunday morning in bed two days before she was due to leave. ‘It’s hell at the best of times but I’m really dreading it this time. I’m going to miss you so much.’

‘Then why don’t you let me come with you?’ suggested Marc.

‘You’d hate it. I would never subject you to that,’ replied Jo.

‘Seriously I would like to be there for you. How bad can it be?’ he said.

‘Really bad!’ laughed Jo.

Anyway after a bit of persuading Marc managed to get Jo to call her mum and arrange for him to come along under the disguise of a friend off her course who had nowhere to go for Easter. Jo didn’t want her parents to know he was her boyfriend because there would mean a whole load of pressure put on him to propose and make her honest woman and it was way too early for that!

Four days later and they were stuck in the middle of the Cheshire countryside pining for the traffic and fumes of the city. The country air was giving Jo a headache and the Trivial Pursuit was driving her crazy. Marc was being polite and pretending he was having a good time, remembering his p’s and q’s and even helping with the washing up but Jo could tell he was as fed up as she was. What’s more they were sleeping at different ends of the house with Jo’s parents room in between them so there wasn’t even a chance of any sex to fill the boredom- they were both so horny they couldn’t even look at eachother without getting turned on.

It was just after dinner and the family were settling down around the real log fire in the living room to watch the Antiques Roadshow.

‘That fire is going to die in a minute,’ said Jo’s mum. ‘We need more logs.’

‘I’ll go,’ said Jo, desperate to escape for five minutes.

She stood up and headed out to the back yard to raid the metal wood store for some more logs. She’d only been there two minutes when she felt familiar hands creeping round her waist.

‘Thought you might need a hand,’ whispered Marc, before spinning her round and kissing her hard on the lips.

‘I’ve been wanting to do that all day,’ he said as he pulled away and squeezed her tight in his arms, protecting her from the cold chill that was whipping across the surrounding fields. His arms felt so strong around her and Jo could feel herself getting wet at the thought of his muscley shoulders that lay beneath the soft fleece he was wearing.

‘I want you so bad,’ she told him, ‘This is killing me. I hate pretending to be little miss sweet and innocent when all I want is for you to give me a good hard fuck.’

Marc laughed at her frustration. ‘I find it quite a turn on actually. I’ve always been a sucker for that prissy virgin fantasy,’ he laughed.

Then he pulled her close and kissed her hard again. That was it. Jo had had enough. Before Marc had time to object she pulled at his jeans and unzipped them to release his hard throbbing cock. He lifted up the long floral skirt she was wearing and slipped his fingers inside her and felt how wet she was already. Without wasting any more time Marc picked Jo up and sat her down on top of the wood store. Pulling her lacy french knickers to one side he pushed hard inside her. Jo moaned, she had wanted to feel him inside her for so long. Marc reached round and grabbed Jo’s bum cheeks as he lifted her further onto his cock and rocked her back and to until they were frantically fucking against the cold metal of the wood store. It wasn’t long before they both came, Jo biting into Marc’s fleece to conceal her moans of pleasure from any eager ears inside the house. Then they quickly straightened themselves up, gathered a few logs and ran back into the house hoping no one would notice they had been gone longer than expected.

When they arrived back in the living room Jo’s Dad was sitting alone in front of the TV. ‘Where’s Mum?’ asked Jo, trying to cover up the fact she was a little out of breath.

‘She’s just nipped upstairs. She thought she heard a noise on the driveway so she’s gone to check the foxes haven’t got to the bins again,’ Dad explained.

‘Oh right,’ said Jo, before she realised you could barely see the driveway from the upstairs window.

‘Did I tell you we’ve been having problems with foxes?’ asked Dad,’They are a bleeding nuisance. Getting in the bins and making a mess. I’ve had to install one of those CCTV systems around the whole of the outside of the house,’ he continued.

It was a few seconds before the reality of what her father had just said dawned on Jo but by the time she looked over at Marc she could tell by the paleness of his face that he had also realised what her mother might have just witnessed.

Jo’s mum never actually confronted her about what she and Marc got up to on the wood store but from the way she went to bed early with migraine and the way she slammed the eggs down on the table the next day Jo knew that her mother was pretty sure her precious daughter was no longer a virgin.

After my sister Stacey had heard this story I could see her making a mental note not to have sex whilst Nev was visiting next week but in reality most parents know their grown up offspring are enjoying sex. In fact they should be proud that we are a generation of young people who aren’t afraid of sex and know how to enjoy our bodies without feeling shame- except for when it comes to getting caught in the act by our mum’s that is.

Although Marc didn’t go back and visit Jo’s family for a while the two of them are actually married now. They run a successful events organising business, live happily together in a nice new house and are expecting their first child in a few months. Jo’s mum still hasn’t mentioned what she did or didn’t see that night but even to this day Marc and Jo refrain from any sort of sexual contact while any parents are within a 1 mile radius- just to be safe!

The whole meeting the parents scenario can be a little bit daunting and with all kinds of horror stories flying around it can seem like a disaster waiting to happen. However it needn’t be so bad. As long as you remember one simple word- respect. Our parents might seem like an embarrassment and your boyfriend’s mum may seem like an ogre but let’s not forget we came from them. They brought us up and helped shaped us into the people we are. Their house rules might seem too strict to you and the family traditions they have could seem outdated and embarrassing but would it really hurt to respect them for just a few days?

If someone loves you enough to want to take that brave step of getting acquainted with the folks then you should feel proud. In most cases parents are actually glad when their son or daughter’s new lover wants to come and introduce themselves. If we turn the tables parents are probably just a nervous and keen to make a good impression too.

My advice to Stacey was just relax, be yourself and trust that Dad and Nev, as the men who care most about her in the whole world, will do her proud and make every effort to get along.

Sex With People You Know You Shouldn’t: Can You Resist? January 21, 2008

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , 2comments

Sex is great! There’s no denying it. It not only feels amazing with the right person but it also helps burn a few calories in the meantime. We would all benefit from getting a little more of it. However it’s not always as straight forward as boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl get it on. There are sometimes in our lives when we have to really think about the implications a good sex life can have…..especially if it’s with someone we really shouldn’t be sleeping with!

One of the ultimate no-go areas has to be any close relation to a lover or former lover. Sleeping with your boyfriend’s brother or your girlfriend’s Dad is definitely a recipe for disaster- my friend Nicola found that out the hard way.

Nic is a trainee financial advisor- sounds very professional but really she’s only earning just above minimum wage and spends most of her time making coffee for rich bank managers and the likes. The one upside of the job is the amount of after work drinking sessions that come with working in the city. Nicola is always raving about how these little evening get togethers are perfect for networking and give her a great chance to get her face around among all the big players- but we all know the dirty old bankers just love to stare at her ample breasts.

Anyway it was during one of these after work ‘networking’ sessions that Nicola bumped into Pete. It was after one particular heavy evening of drinking and talking about money when Nic went to order a round for the noisy table of colleagues she was with. While she waited for her drinks she noticed Pete sat at the end of the bar on his own. He was dressed in a smart suit with his top button undone and his tie loose around his neck. He had a kind of George Clooney older man rugged-ness about him with his slightly grey stubble and defined but weathered looking features. He was obviously a bit older than Nicola but as he looked in her direction she could see his gorgeous blue eyes still sparkled with youth and their wasn’t a hint on man boob on the well toned body.

As the night went on and her work mates went home one by one Nicola noticed that the handsome older man was still sat at the bar flicking his way through a pile of important looking papers. She was mesmerised by him. There was just something about his air of confidence that drew her to keep staring at him and he seemed to be equally interested as she kept catching him looking her way too.

However Nicola did have a boyfriend at the time. His name was Ben and he was a fellow finance worker. She’d only been seeing him for a couple of months when his company decided to ship him off to America for 6 months so things were still pretty casual for the time being. Nic hadn’t had sex for 4 months and she was really suffering so when the sexy older guy eventually made a move she just couldn’t resist.

She was at the bar buying another round of drinks when he asked if he could steal her away from her friends for a few minutes to share a bottle of champagne. Nicola was a bit hesitant at first but seeing as her friends were fast abandoning her and the thought of going back to an empty flat loomed she decided to take him up on the offer. An hour later and the two of them were still sat at the end of the bar roaring with laughter as Pete told Nic his favourite joke of all time:

“Why does a squirrel swim on his back?” he asked proudly.

“Go on why?” said Nic

“To keep his nuts dry of course!”

“O my god,” she laughed, “That is possibly the worst joke I’ve ever heard.”

“Made you laugh though didn’t it,” giggled Pete.

“Yes I guess so,” Nicola laughed even more.

“Listen I’ve had a really nice night chatting to you,” said Pete getting up from his stool, “But I think it’s time I headed back home.”

Nicola was shocked and, if she was honest, a bit gutted by Pete’s sudden decision, She’d had a great laugh with him and he seemed like a really nice guy- plus she was finding him more and more attractive. She decided had two choices. She could let him walk out of that door and probably never see him again or she could do something she had never done before and make a bold move.

“Do you fancy grabbing some Chinese and heading back to mine?” suggested Nic nervously.

“Why not,” replied Pete with a smile, “I’m starving.”

Back at Nicola’s rented Docklands apartment she and Pete relaxed on the sofa and polished off another bottle of wine and a chicken chow mien. Things were going great. Pete was so easy to talk to. She felt so relaxed around him- which was strange considering they’d only met hours before.

“Fancy some ice cream?” said Nic gathering up the used takeaway cartons.

“Yeah sure. I’ll try and squeeze some in,” smiled Pete. Nicola went out to the kitchen and came back with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and two spoons.

“I can’t find any clean bowls so we’ll just be common,” she laughed, digging into the tub and offering it to Pete.

“This is good,” he said tucking into a mouth full of Cookie Dough. Nic went in for some more.

“Mmmm yeah it is,” she agreed as she enjoyed another mouthful. Pete spotted she had managed to get ice cream on her chin.

“Come here you mucky pup,” he said reaching his hand to wipe it away. His big manly fingers made her skin tingle as he gently touched her face and Nicola wasn’t sure how much longer she could resist this sexy man.

Pete obviously sensed the attraction as they locked eyes. She wanted him to kiss her so badly. However, instead he raised a spoon of ice cream to her lips and she opened her mouth as he slowly slipped it inside. Then while it was still melting on her tongue he leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth, slipping his tongue gently inside so the ice cream flooded between their lips. The kiss was amazing and Nicola could feel a stirring inside her as Pete filled the spoon with more ice cream. This time he moved the spoon away from her mouth and let the ice cream drop onto her neck before holding the back of her head as he gently and slowly licked it off.

Nicola moaned with pleasure as Pete dropped more ice cream onto her and slowly licked and kissed his way down her neck and along her collar bone towards her chest- unbuttoning her silk blouse as he went. She lay back on the leather sofa as he trickled the melting ice cream onto her exposed nipples and down her body to her belly button. Nicola thought she would explode with desire as he licked it all up while kissing her all over.

She couldn’t hold it in any longer so Nicola jumped up and pushed Pete down onto the sofa. Still covered in sticky ice cream she knelt between his legs and unzipped his trousers to release his hard cock. She grabbed the ice cream tub and dripped the contents down onto it before slowly licking him right up to the tip. Then she wrapped her lips around him began sucking hard and fast. The pace soon picked up and before long Nicola was straddling Pete on the sofa and bouncing her way to an amazing orgasm- that was the first of many that night. In fact they both took the next two days off work to enjoy as much time together as possible before they were forced back into the real world.

After 48 hours of mindblowing sex, Nicola decided to come clean about Ben. She explained to Pete that she had a boyfriend but it wasn’t serious and he agreed to give her some space to sort out her head and decide what she wanted to do. As soon as Pete left her flat Nic missed him already and that’s when she realised this was more than just a fling- she really had started to fall for him already. With that in mind she made the difficult phone call to the US and broke things of with Ben then rang Pete to tell him what she thought. As it happened Pete was equally besotted with Nic and it wasn’t long before they were a proper couple.

However, one thing always niggled Nicola about Pete. He was always really vague about his life. She didn’t even know his surname! She knew he had children but he rarely talked about them and she’d never met them. Looking back if she’d have pushed the matter more it could have saved a whole load of heartache in the long run. Yes you’ve probably already guessed what happened next….one day when Nic was round at Pete’s flat a surprise visitor called round to see his beloved Dad…that visitor was Ben.

Nicola was obviously mortified and Ben was fuming. But after lots of explaining and a few huge rows all parties agreed it was no ones fault and it was a complete coincidence. Nevertheless Ben never really got over the whole incident and it wasn’t long before trouble started between Nic and Pete and 3 months after that ice cream night they called it a day and split up.

Although Nicola and Pete didn’t know they were sleeping with someone they shouldn’t be sleeping with this still managed to end their relationship before it even got going. Who knows if they would of lived happily ever after if Ben hadn’t gotten in the way but it just goes to show how easily it happens. Ok so the chances of your boyfriend’s Dad being in the same bar as you- and indeed the chances of him looking like George Clooney- are very slim but still it’s worth checking for ID next time you have an encounter with a sexy stranger. You never know who he might be related to

Sex With A Celebrity: Five Star Lust or Z-List Flop? January 14, 2008

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , add a comment

We have major gossip this week….of a celebrity variety…well almost……Remember Jayne? The estate agent who had the sexy run-in with her boss in the lift? Well it seems a lesbian encounter is just what she needed to bring her out of her shell and there’s been no stopping her since!

She’s been keeping us entertained over lunch for weeks now with tales of her antics…..meetings in hotel rooms with ex-lovers, wild sex in public places with new lovers and any spare time filled with dirty cyber chats with internet lovers….the girl is addicted!

Anyway this week’s instalment of the ‘Life of Jayne’ had us all gob smacked! “I think I may of slept with a celebrity,’ she announced just as Michelle and I tucked into our ceaser salad.

‘What do you mean…you think?’ I spluttered, almost choking on a crouton.

‘Well OK I’m pretty sure I did. But it was an accident,’ she elaborated.

‘What did you slip and fall onto his cock?’ cried Michelle- being uncharacteristically graphic.

‘Well it started when I went to show a client round a house last week,’ began Jayne, revealing her story. It turned out Jayne had been asked by her boss to show an important client round a new flat in Shoreditch. The old chruch had been converted to house three £1million state of the art, super fashionable appartments that were all the rage with the trendy young London set. Anyway the appointment was at 3pm and at half past Jayne was still stood in the church doorway sheltering from the rain waiting for the client to show up.

‘I hate it when people are late,” she told us, ‘It’s one of my pet hates! So I was getting madder and madder by the second. Then just as I was about to give up he turned up.’ The client in question rolled up 45 minutes late. Just as she suspected he was the typical rich business man- the only people who could afford to buy in Shoreditch these days- he strolled across the car park towards her as casual as he could without a care for the fact that he was late. Jayne was seething. “Look at him in his posh suit- does he think that because he’s got money he can forget how to use manners,” she thought.

As he got closer she could see he was actually quite good looking. He had really dark grey eyes that perfectly complimented the stormy skies above and his rough and messy hung in wet strands over his face. He must have been at least 6ft 3 and Jayne could detect the ripple of a six pack underneath his wet shirt. In fact he was actually quite gorgeous.

‘Jayne?’ he questioned as he put out his hand to greet her.

‘Yes’ she answered as he took her hand in his big manly palm, ‘You must be Gary.’

After the introduction Jayne led Gary upstairs to view the flat. As they enetered the front door Gary loosened his tie and un-did his top button revealing the outline of a toned chest.

‘Sorry I was so late,’ he said, ‘I’ve just come from a funeral.’

‘Oh I’m sorry to hear that,’ stumbled Jayne, feeling awful for her earlier thoughts. It turned out Gary hadn’t known the person very well anyway so he wasn’t too upset.

‘Right, let’s get going,’ said Jayne desperate to get on with things as she was struggling to remain professional around this beautiful man. ‘First to the bedroom,’ she said leading the way.

‘I love a girl who gets straight to the point,’ winked Gary, ‘How could I refuse an offer like that.’ Jayne could feel her face reddening as he looked at her with a cheeky grin. She turned on her heels and continued walking to disguise her embarrassment.

Ten minutes later and they were exploring the kitchen. Gary seemed suitably impressed with the appartment. He was admiring the great view of London from the glass wall in the kitchen. Jayne couldn’t help but check out the perfect bum that was hidden beneath those perfect fitting trousers. She could imagine how the skin would feel between her teeth as she bit into it.

‘Are you ok Jayne?’ giggled Gary, who had now turned round to find her staring dreamily at his crotch which had now replaced her view of his bottom.

Once again a flustered Jayne diverted his attention away from her embarrassment and headed to the living room. After a hurried description of the open plan living space, antique wooden floors and hide-away entertainment system the tour was over.

‘That’s it,’ said Jayne turning to look at Gary who stood on the other side of the comfy corner sofa, ‘Unless there is anything else you would like to see?’

He looked her from head to toe, slowly and delibarately and then stared her straight in the eye: ‘There’s a lot more I’d like to see,’ he said with a grin.

‘Ok so this guy was totally cheesy and ridiculously flirty,’ she told us, as we fell about laughing at his cringing one-liners, ‘But there was something about him that I just couldn’t resist.’

Back to the story…..two seconds after perhaps the cheesiest line in the history of flirting and Gary was right up against Jayne’s face and she was powerless to move away. He kissed her mouth so gently and softly she wan’t sure if she had imagined it. Then he said ‘I wouldn’t mind another look at the bedroom.’

Now Jayne is not stupid and this line was never going to make her jump into bed with a complete stranger- no matter how hot he was. So she used all the willpower she had to turn around and head for the door.

‘I’ll leave you to look around on your own for ten minutes,’ she said, ‘I’ll wait in the hallway.’ Just as she reached for the door handle Gary came behind her and held it shut with his hand.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘That was a ridiculous line and I’m surprised you didn’t slap me.”

‘Well i was close,’ replied Jayne.

‘Ok I’ll try again,’ said Gary, ‘I think you are the most beautiful, enchanting woman I’ve ever seen and I would very much like to see you again.’

‘That’s a little better,’ said Jayne.

‘So do I get your number then?’ asked Gary with a smirk, reaching into his suit jacket for a pen.

‘Hmmm I suppose I could screen my calls from now on,’ answered Jayne.

‘Cheeky! I like it,’ smiled Gary handing Jayne the pen. ‘I’m out of paper so you will have to write it on my hand.’

Gary’s huge manly hand felt suprsingly soft as he placed it in hers for her to write on. Jayne couldn’t help but imagine how it feel for him to touch her body as she began to write the number. She could feel herself getting wet already.

Gary was leaning over Jayne as she wrote. Their bodies were so close that they were almost touching. His eyes looked down at her intently as she wrote carefully on his hand. When she finished she looked up and met his gaze as she handed back the pen.

‘Thanks,’ whispered Gary without taking his eyes away from hers. Jayne was entranced by the flecks of blue in his grey eyes that she didn’t realise he was leaning in to kiss her until she felt his soft warm lips against hers. It felt so good she couldn’t resist. Gary pressed his body hard against Jayne’s so her back was against the cold metal of the door. Then he ran his hand under her skirt and grabbed the tops of her legs above her stockings and picked her up high against the door.

Jayne wrapped her legs around Gary as he carried her towards the bedroom. He laid her on the soft kingsize bed and continued to look her straight in the eye as he removed her shoes and then slowly rolled down each stocking. Before the full reality hit Jayne, Gary had pulled her thong to one side and his tongue was between her legs and she was heading ever closer to orgasm. Just as she thought she was about to scream in ecstasy Gary thrust his big hard cock deep inside her and began to fuck her slow and hard. Soon after they both came loudly and collapsed exhausted onto the brand new bed.

Five minutes later and reality had dawned on Jayne. If her boss heard about this she would be fired on the spot. She made Gary promise not to tell anyone and apologised for being so unprofessional and got out of there as quick as possible.

‘And where does the celebrity come into it then!?’ I interrupted impatiently.

‘Hold on, I’m getting to that now,’ said Jayne, continuing with the story. Three days later and Jayne was off work with a bit of the sniffles( mostly brought on by a night on the wine) and just settling down to watch a bit of Loose Women.

‘On today’s show we’ve got the latest Hollyoak’s hunk for all you ladies to drool over,’ announced Denise, leader of the day’s panel. Jayne instantly recognised the guy in the photo that was flashed on the screen in front of her. It was Gary! She couldn’t believe her eyes. She thought she must have been delirious from all that wine but ten minutes later there was Gary sandwiched between Coleen Nolan and Jane MacDonald chatting away about his new born baby and pending engagement to a Page 3 stunner.

‘What a rat!’ I cried, ‘You should sell your story to the papers!’

‘I did debate that,’ said Jayne, ‘But at the end of the day that would be sinking down to his level and I don’t want to do that.’

Not everyone is as respectful as Jayne…..Rob…you know my friend who has a serious problem with commitment…he actively looks for a kiss and tell opportunity. He’s the ultimate celebrity hanger-on so is always blagging himself into all the trendy parties and sleazing over any Z-lister that will give him the time of day. Usually he gets the brush-off straight away- Jodie Marsh’s security actually picked him up and throw him out of a club after one particularly cheesy chat up line he tried on her- it must of been bad if she turned him down!

Anyway one night Rob actually got lucky. One particular young soap star and ex-girlfriend of a premiership footballer was daft enough (more likely drunk enough) to fall for his charms. After a few glasses of cheap champagne and a few too many sickening chat up lines Rob took the lucky lady…who shall remain nameless…back to his flat. Unfortunately sex with a minor celeb was not as Rob had expected.

“She just lay there like a limp lettuce,” he told me the next day, “Seriously i get more life outta my right hand. No wonder Ronaldo gave her the slip! She was an absolute stunner but there’s only so far looks can go when it comes to sex. A bit of movement would of been helpful.”Rob- always the gentleman- then went on to tell me how after 20 mins of ‘pounding away’ he faked an orgasm and ran to the toilet to ‘knock one off’. And I thought only women did that!

Rob decided to console himself after his night of luke warm passion by selling his story to a tabloid. Two weeks later and there’s Rob on page 5 of the Sun telling the world about his soap star flop…….which inccidently saw him banned from his fave celebrity haunts for the next 6 months…..but the three grand her earned for selling his story soon eased that pain.

So it seems that sex with a celebrity is pretty much the same as sex with any other person off the street. We may have this starry eyed view of some fairytale night of passion with a supreme being but in reality celebrites are just as likely to be a big fat disappointment…..in fact sex with a star is much more fun when left as a fantasy!

Porn: More than just an eyeful? January 2, 2008

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , add a comment

The typical porn fan is a single, middle aged man who lives at home with his mum and also enjoys collecting comic books and watching Dr Who- right? That’s what I always thought but in fact these days porn is becoming just as popular with young couples and single women and there is no secret passing of videos in brown paper bags. The 21^st century girl is porn proud!

Jackie was one of my best friends at high school. We were always up to no good together- sneaking into clubs at 15 and getting drunk off cheap cider in the park after school- the usual teenage naughtiness. Anyway one Friday night Jackie took it a bit too far and 9 months after a drunken fondle in a bush with a 6^th former she became a mum to twin boys, dropped out of school and gave up drinking.

Now don’t get the wrong impression of Jackie- she’s not one of these council estate mum’s who lives off benefits and leaves her scruffy kids to terrorise the neighbours. No way!After she had the boys she went out and got a full time job and works hard to pay the mortgage on the 3-bed terrace she bought herself.

Anyway Jackie has never been married and is too busy bringing up 9 year old Reese and Ryan to be bothered with a serious relationship. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t fulfill her huge sexual appetite though! In between the odd casual relationship and friendly dates Jackie swears by her huge porn collection.

“It’s the best way to unwind at the end of the day,” she told me, “I put the kids to bed, run a nice hot bath to get myself all relaxed and then i put on a porn dvd and lay on my bed and enjoy a bit of me time.”

I always thought this was a bit odd as the only porn I’d seen seemed far from relaxing. I mean watching some dizzy blonde with huge lipo-injected lips get rammed from all directions by a football team and then see her gag as they all proceed to cum down her throat is hardly chilled out bedtime material. But Jackie pointed me in the direction of some far more civilised titles.

“You wanna have a look at some Anna Span,” said Jacks one night over a bottle of Rose, “She makes films aimed at girls. It’s not all about how many cocks you can fit inside a pretty pre-teen. It’s much more realistic and far more sexy.”

I still wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t see how watching someone else getting off can be fun. I’d much rather be having sex myself and if I’m being honest I still thought there was something quite seedy about the whole porn thing. Anyway after much protest I left Jackie’s flat with a selected pile of Jackie must-see titles which I swore I would give a go. When I got home I put them under my bed and was determined to just leave them there and give them back to her next time I saw her- lying to her how fabulous they were.

A few nights later and Paul, the guy I was seeing at the time, came over to mine for a cosy night in with a nice bottle of wine and a takeaway. We’d been seeing eachother for a couple of months and things were going great. We were at the lovely stage where you begin to feel comfortable around eachother and all you want to do is hide away from the world and snuggle up together- and have loads of sex, naturally! There was nothing on the TV so while I poured us some more wine I sent Paul upstairs to pick out a DVD.

“There all in the drawer under the bed.” I shouted up as he ran up the stairs. Thirty seconds later I heard a giggle from my bedroom and I realised what he’d found. Shit! Now he was going to think I’m some kind of sex addict.

“I think we should watch this,” he said when he joined me in the kitchen and produced a copy of ‘Firm Loving’ from behind his back.

“Ha ha very funny Paul,” I said, going red with shame.

“Don’t be shy babe. I think it’s well hot. “ he said as put his hand in my hair, pulled my face towards him and kissed me hard on the mouth. The kiss left me speechless and powerless to resist as Paul took me by the hand and led me into the living room.

“Don’t look so scared hunni.” he said, “ I just want know what gets you off so I can please you as best as can.”he said (quite sickening looking back!) Part of me wanted to tell him that they weren’t my DVDs and that I hadn’t even watched them but seeing his reaction the idea of me watching porn made me curious to see how this was going to pan out.

Paul put his arm around me as we sat back on the sofa in front of the TV. I felt butterflies fluttering inside me as the film opened with a rather hot looking woman police officer stopping a speeding car. I’d never seen a police woman in a pvc mini skirt and shirt that tight before but i let it slide. Two minutes later and the policewoman was in the car and the hot suit guy she had pulled was being breathalysed- it all seemed very tame. Then as she removed the breathalyser machine from his mouth she slid it down between her legs and then back into his mouth and asked him to repeat the test. I giggled nervously at the cheesiness of it all but really it was already turning me on.

“This is ridiculous,” I said to Paul, but my quickness of breath and hardening nipples gave me away. I turned to the TV again with my back leaning against Paul’s chest so he couldn’t see my reddening face. The policewoman now had her feet on the dashboard and was having a jolly good time with the breathalyser tube. I felt Paul’s hand slide round my neck and reach inside my dress to play with my hard nipples. Soon his hand was moving down and without saying a word his fingers slid inside my knickers.

He gently stroked my clit as I continued to pretend I wasn’t finding the porn remotely interesting. I carried on with this act for five more minutes as I got wetter and wetter until just as the suit guy lifted the police woman onto his car bonnet and began to fuck her and I had to give in. After frantic kissing and undressing Paul and I had our hottest sex yet right there on the carpet while the film played on in the background. It was amazing!

From then on I’ve been a great believer in the power of porn and have even invested in a couple of sexy titles myself. I am yet to see the enjoyment in the hardcore gang bang, cum flying everywhere, bondage style films but whatever floats your boat. A little bit of soft core porn is great for spicing up everyday sex and definitely inspires some fantastic foreplay- and hey if you get inspired enough then you can always make your own home movies- but that’s a whole other story.

Threesomes: When Is The Right Time For Three In A Bed? December 21, 2007

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , 2comments

My friend Michelle is very much the quiet one of the bunch. She dresses like a 25 year old school girl- you know wooly jumpers with cute dogs on and pleated skirts with thick tights- to be honest we’re sometimes ashamed to be seen with her. Anyway she pretty much has the same outlook on sex as a school girl too. She’s always up for a quick snog behind the bike sheds but as soon as a man so much as tries to cop a feel of her breasts on a first date she’s likely to run home and cry to her ever-growing family of cats. So can you imagine the drama when after just one month the latest ‘love of her life’ suggests they try a threesome.

Michelle looked like she was about to burst into tears as she explained to me how Joe had brought up the matter during a less than steamy session of dirty talking.

“It all started during Eastenders,” she explained, “We were getting down to a bit of a session on his sofa and as he was kissing my neck and gearing up to have a play with my nipples I thought I’d try a bit of naughty talk because I know he loves it.”

“I told him I wanted us to do it in the shower and he came back with ‘I wanna watch you do another woman’,” cried Michelle. “I’ve always quite fancied the idea of a threesome but it’s only been a month for christ’s sake!”

But is a month long enough? Who’s to say when is the right time to start experimenting in the bedroom? Surely it’s better to keep things spicy from the start than have to step it up when things start falling apart 2 years down the line. But threesomes bring up a whole load of trust issues and can be the death of some couples. Is it worth the risk? Is there ever a right time to bring an extra person into your sex life?

I have personally encountered both sides of this debate- be it a few years ago now. Anyway back when I was a trainee journalist i.e coffee maker -living in a bedsit above a bar in Manchester’s student district I got quite friendly with the couple who ran the business downstairs. I used to spend a lot of time down there knocking back vodka and diet cokes to forget the awful day I’d had so I got to know them fairly well. Tom and Mandy they were called. They seemed like the perfect couple- always calling eachother ‘hunny’ and ‘darling’ and throwing lovey dovey eyes across the bar- quite sickening for a lonely single girl. Anyway-cut to the chase- after two months and a few too many vodkas after closing we were having a rather open conversation about sex which some how resulted in Mandy revealing her ultimate fantasy was a threesome. “I’d love to try it. I think it would be well hot,” she said, “I’ve just never really had the option before.”

Tom looked a little shocked but at the same time his cheeky grin said he was just as keen. Half joking and half drunk out of my mind I laughed “I’d shag you anyday Mand. You’re hot!” At first they both laughed too but then a few seconds later the laughter died down and I knew they were seriously thinking about it. “I’m game if you are?” said Mandy. At first I was a little shocked then I thought ‘what the hell?’ Here I am, 22, living in a grotty student bedsit on my own- it’s about time I had some excitement. Plus not having had sex for a good 2 weeks I was damn horny too and the vodka wasn’t helping to quench my need for some good sex. Mandy obviously sensed this and the next thing I knew her tongue was in my mouth. We kissed as Tom watched-clearly getting off on the whole ordeal. She even nervously put her hand under my tshirt and stroked my breasts- things were going full steam ahead. Then Tom decided he’d had enough of watching and wanted some action.

“My turn,” he declared. So Mandy stood aside. Tom came towards me with a determined look in his eye. He kissed me hard before picking me up with his tanned muscly arms and sitting me on the bar. Soon his hands were pulling my tshirt off and grabbing for my breasts. I was actually getting to this as I threw my head back and let him take my nipples in his mouth- the next thing I knew a glass went flying past my head and smashed on the wall behind me. ‘What the fuck!!’ i thought as another glass narrowly missed my face.

“Get your hands off her now!” screeched Mandy. “Get out of my pub you fucking whore!” she screamed as she launched across the room in my direction. Needless to say I did exactly as she said- the woman was 6ft tall and had a glass in her hand! I ran up to my flat in shock and still wearing just my bra. That was the end of my threesome experience. Mandy did apologise the next day but things were never the same between us again and the gooey looks the couple gave eachother didn’t return for at least a month.

The simple fact is threesomes cause jealously and some people are too concentrated on how hot it would be for them to watch their partner get off while they screw someone else but they forget that they then have to stand by and watch as their lover gets pleasured by another person.

This isn’t the case for everyone though. Some people love a bit of partner-swapping action. Take my old boss, Ellen. She and her husband Ken were very happily married, lived in a gorgeous big house in Alderley Edge and had been swinging for years. It wasn’t the old fashioned keys in a fruit bowl swinging either. They went to exclusive clubs where they met with other intelligent sophisticated couples and professional career-driven single people all with the same thing in mind- to enjoy sex! “It’s great,” Ellen often confessed proudly at work parties, on fag breaks or any other chance she got to talk about it, “We get to experience sexual freedom and enjoy being with other sexually free people but safe in the knowledge that we both love each other and will go home together at the end of the night.”

There was definitely no jealously between Ellen and Ken:: “It makes me want him more,” said Ellen, “I watch him getting all turned on and I just can’t wait to get him home and have him all to myself. I see other women enjoying him and it makes me proud to say he’s my husband.” Ok so Ellen may be more liberal and open-minded than the majority of us but she does have a point. If you trust someone enough to consider a threesome then you should trust that they with you at the end of the day so you can both enjoy the experience for what it is without thinking too much into it. It’s just all about pure pleasure- or at least it should be.

So what was my advice for Michelle? It’s all about talking. She needs to be open about her feelings and talk to Joe. If they truly love each other and want things to last forever then they should perhaps wait a little longer until they are both 100% sure. There’s no harm in talking about it though. Exploring each other’s sexual fantasies makes for great sex- even if it is all make believe. However it’s important to know where the line is between talk and action. Telling him you want him to get himself off while you get down and dirty with another woman can certainly get things going during foreplay but it won’t be half as much fun when he surprises you by bringing home a willing girl from the pub.

No Strings Sex: Can You Handle It? December 17, 2007

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , add a comment

 I have this male friend-Rob. We met randomly when he tried to sleaze on me in a bar and I laughed out loud at his lame ‘I’ve been watching you all night and your beautiful’ line. We’ve been friends ever since. Anyway he infuriates me at the best of times but last Friday he really did wind me up.

We were out having lunch and he was telling me about his date the night before:

“Absoultely stunning! She was like a fucking dream come true, seriously. Legs up to her armpits and a cracking set of twins,” he explained in his usual ‘gentlemanly’ manner.

“Great,” I said, “So you seeing her again?”

“No way! She didn’t put out. Sod that.”

I almost choked on my cheese panini. “You what?”

“She didn’t put out. I’m not gonna hang around waiting when there are plenty more girls out there who will give it up on the first night.” he said. I couldn’t believe my ears. Is this really the way men think? As a general rule I like to wait at least two dates before I sleep with a new man- Ok so there have been the occasional one night stands I’d rather forget but generally sex on the first date is a no go. Am I just being an old fashioned prude?

This is exactly what I asked my friend Maisy later that night as we sunk some pre-night out glasses of wine. “Rob is just a wanker,” was her response. Maisy had hated Rob ever since he failed to call her after a drunken fondle in the back of a cab. “Men like him are all talk.”she said. But I disagree. I’ve seen him take home many women when the club closes and I’m pretty sure they aren’t going back to his for coffee and this is usually confirmed by a graphic account of what he got up to the next time I see him. So why do some people think it’s OK to have sex with a virtual stranger? Is it low self-esteem as dowdy old sex ed teachers would have us believe or are they merely just enjoying their sexual freedom?

Take my friend Louise for example. She didn’t lose her virginity until she was 19- which was practically prehistoric on the estate where I grew up- anyway as the TV ad says ‘Once she popped she couldn’t stop.’ She obviously got a taste for it and after a year she had already slept with 30 different men. Now that might make you think she was a bit of a slag but it really didn’t come across like that. She didn’t just go home with first drunken idiot who came grinding up behind her on the dancefloor. She made them work for it. You see Louise is one of those women who just oozes confidence. She can sit at a bar on her own and attract the attention of the hottest guy in a club without even trying. She has this air of sexiness that makes men feel they ‘need’ to win her over and they will buy her drinks, hold her coat, pay for her taxis and probably even kiss her feet until she gives in and pays them some attention back.

Anyway- back to the point- after she lost her virginity she enjoyed years of hassle free, no strings sex and didn’t feel remotely bad about it. “I get the affection and the hot sex I need, they get to sleep with me…everyone’s a winner and no one gets hurt,” she said. Fair enough I guess but doesn’t sleeping around ruin your chances of finding that special someone? Well Louise is living proof that isn’t the case. She met the love of her life in a nightclub, went home with him that night and after months of ‘no strings’ fun decided she liked the strings and they have been together ever since. In fact she was the first one of our group to get married and no she’s got a baby on the way. So it’s not necessarily true that sex on the first night means that there is no future.

My theory is there are two types of people in this world…those who can do ‘no strings’ one night stands and those who simply can’t and never the twine should meet. It’s OK for the Rob and Louise’s of this world to hook up and fuck about to their heart’s content because no one is getting hurt. But if a Maisy and a Rob get it on someone is bound to end up feeling bad. This doesn’t mean that you are destined to belong to one group for your whole life. There are times-say after a break up, or long sex drought- when you may stray over to the other side and the ‘no-stringers’ are perfectly capable of falling in love and hopping over to the world of the ’string’ lovers. But as a general rule of thumb for the dating world it’s best to stick to your own kind if you want an easy, heartache-free life.

Office Party Flings: Festive Fun or Dating Disaster? December 11, 2007

Posted by Caz in : Relationships, Sex , 1 comment so far

Christmas is all about having fun and letting yourself go- well technically it’s about the birth of Jesus and all that- but you know what I mean. Anyway Christmas is also the one time every year when the people in your office see you for what you really are. Yes the office party really is an eye opener and there’s nothing like an office party fling to really open their eyes especially if,like my friend Jayne, you wake up next to the boss….who happens to be a woman!

Everyone gets it on with someone at work sometime in their lives. You spend most of your life in close contact with these people so it’s inevitable a bit of extra-curricular hanky panky will take place in the end. It all makes a day’s work go a little bit quicker. But is a drunken one night stand at the Christmas party really wise? Jayne would definitely say it’s a good idea. Soon after that late night fumble with her boss she got a promotion.

Jayne is an estate agent- but not the usual highstreet semi-detached, two up two down kind of estate agent. Her company only deals will the biggest houses and the biggest clients. They have the likes of Wayne Rooney, Gordon Ramsay and Kate Moss on their client list. Jayne had been working there for almost a year and still her most exciting assignment was finding a weekend pad for Keith Chegwin. She was the only woman in her office and most of the time she felt like she was only there to give her testosterone drenched co-workers something to wank over on their lunch break.

There is no denying Jayne is a looker. She’s 6ft 1, with long brown hair and curves in all the right places- but she absolutely hates the attention that brings her. Shy Jayne is more likely to be seen sitting in a corner with her hair scraped back into a pony tail wearing a calf length skirt and baggy blouse to hide her fabulous body. Such a waste. Anyway back to the story…..

Jayne’s first office Christmas party was her worst nightmare. It was only 9pm and already everyone was drunk. The loud mouth red head accounts guy who sat on the next desk was trying his best to chat her up but instead his foul lager breath and constant spitting when he talked were making her feel sick. She went to the drinks table and knocked back a straight shot of vodka to try and ease the pain. Her head instantly felt lighter so she downed a few more. The party was still grim- but at least now she was getting drunk.

By 9.30 the drink was running seriously low. Jayne’s boss, Camilla, the only other woman at the party was surrounded by drooling, drunk men who were desperately fighting for her attention after they heard there might be a promotion coming up in the new year. Camilla seemed to be loving the attention and was laughing along to all their pathetic jokes and lapping up their compliments.. Suddenly she broke from the crowd and strutted over to where Jayne was now being propped up by the drinks table. She flung her keys in Jayne’s direction. “Be a love and run down to my car and grab that crate of wine from the boot,” she said.

Jayne was furious as she struggled back up to the party under the weight of the heavy wine bottles: “How dare she treat me like this,” she thought angrily, “When I get back up there I’m going to throw this wine at the stupid stuck up cow,” she continued, knowing full well she wouldn’t have the guts. Just as the lift reached the third floor the whole place went black. “Oh great, a power cut that’s all I need!” she muttered. She slammed down the crate and leaned back against the wall, her head spinning.

Then through the darkness Jayne heard footsteps towards the lift. “Hello,” shouted Jayne, but no one replied. She was getting a bit scared. “Who is it?” she shouted as the footsteps moved closer, slightly more panicked now. If this was one of the men messing around she was not going to be happy. Suddenly the lift doors opened slightly and Camilla stood in the opening. “Thank god,” said Jayne. “I thought I would be here forever.” But as Jayne headed for the open door Camilla entered the lift and closed the door behind her. “How about we stay here for a while,” she suggested, “Those boys upstairs are boring me.” Jayne was in no hurry to get back to the party so she nervously agreed to Camilla’s suggestion to crack open a bottle of wine in the lift.

Half an hour later and the two of them are more than slightly tipsy and having a good old giggle sat on the floor of the lift. Camilla wasn’t half as bitchy as she seemed, thought Jayne, she was actually quite down to earth and they laughed about the idiot men they worked with. “You know what Jayne. It’s really good to have some female company,” confessed Camilla, “Let’s not hurry back to the guys. Let them wonder where we are for a while.” Then she looked Jayne straight in the eye and ran her hand softly up her leg.

Jayne didn’t know what to do. She had never had a woman hit on her before and didn’t expect her boss would be the first to do that. Having never felt sexual feelings towards a woman before Jayne was shocked to feel her heart rate quicken as Camilla leaned in to kiss her gently on the lips. “What the hell,” thought Jayne, her initial reaction was the push Camilla away but something inside her was holding back. She felt herself go instantly moist as her boss’s hand moved further up her leg and played with the top of her stockings. Before she knew it Camilla had pushed her to the floor and straddled her as she passionately kissed her- and Jayne was kissing back!

The next thing Jayne remembers is waking up in a strange apartment the next morning. She rolled over and had the shock of her life when she saw Camilla asleep next to her. She began to smile as the events of the night before slowly came back to her. Fun as it was- she really couldn’t face her boss right now so Jayne gathered up her clothes which were strewn all over the living room and then left quietly without waking Camilla. She was dreading going back to work on Monday and felt sick with nerves as she entered the office. As she looked over towards her boss’s desk Camilla looked up and caught Jayne square in the eye. She just winked at Jayne and the pair shared a knowing smile before getting on with the rest of the day. That night was never mentioned again but when January came Jayne was given a promotion out of the blue- much to the disgust of the rest of the workforce.

Ok so not everyone’s office party flings are quite so eventful. A drunken Christmas party rarely ends with an erotic encounter in a lift with your boss. It’s more likely to result in a kebab and a grope in the back of a taxi or, as I found out, being woken up by the butty van man’s mum bringing you a cup of tea.

Yes that’s right. Circa 2001- I was working as an editorial assistant at a trade magazine for dog breeders. Glamorous I know! Anyway it was my first Christmas party and I’d had my eye on, Adam, the cute advert exec guy who worked in the office next door so was determined to bag him at the bash. After weeks of choosing the perfect outfit, getting my hair and nails done and picking out my fave sexy underwear I arrived at the party only to find he’d brought a date with him- how rude! He then proceeded to snog the face of said date all night while I sat in a corner staring into my vodka and diet coke like a real life Bridget Jones. I was about to leave and go home to some comfort food and trashy TV when Joe came over and sat next to me. Joe’s dad owned the sandwich delivery service that brought us all kinds of treats every lunch time. Joe served in the van when he was home from university for the holidays and had blagged an invite to the party after he heard it was a free bar. He was kind of cute in a scruffy student sort of way. Adam certainly wasn’t interested and I was feeling a bit lonely so I thought I may as well try and enjoy myself.

Joe turned out to be really nice. We chatted and laughed and drank then drank some more until we were both quite merry. We had the same taste in music and shared a love of CSI and other cheesy American crime shows so we ended up chatting all night. By the time the party ended and the lights came on I was pretty drunk and so was Joe so we decided to go back to his for coffee and staggered off into the night giggling like school kids. When we got back to his house it wasn’t long before he grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall in the dark hall way. His hands were in my hair as he kissed my neck and face. “Come on let’s go in here,” I said opening the living room door. “No,” said Joe, “Let’s take this upstairs.” He took me by the hand and led me up to a room upstairs and laid me on the bed without even switching on the light. I remember thinking the bed seemed quite small but thought nothing of it and after some drunken fumbling followed by fast and furious fucking we both fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up with a monster headache and desperately needed a drink of water. As I lifted my head up I looked around the room and a wave of panic came over me. The floor was littered with boxer shorts, old socks and mouldy plates and take away boxes, the walls were covered with posters of naked page 3 models and the bed was adorned with a bright coloured Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle bedspread! Had i stepped back in time to the late 80s and slept with an teenager!? In a panic to get out of there as fast as possible I jumped up and began searching the room for my clothes amongst the dirty washing. Just as I spotted my lacy french knickers on the other side of the room the door burst open to reveal a short middle aged woman holding a mug of tea- Joe’s mum! “Rise and shine Joe,” she said before stopping in her tracks as she noticed me standing completely naked and trying to keep some dignity by holding a pizza box in front of me. Needless to say I made a swift exit soon after that without hanging about to swap numbers with Joe….or his mum! Everyone at work had seen me leave the party with Joe but I never told them exactly what happened. This doesn’t stop the whispers and sly comments every time the sandwiches are delivered during half term- but on the plus side his Dad now gives me extra fillings in my lunch time panini.

So it seems office party flings are a bit of a risky game to be playing. Who knows, you could have a great time, meet the person of your dreams and end up falling in love- or at least get a promotion. But on the other hand you could also make a huge mistake and end up hiding your head behind your computer for the rest of the year. In the end it’s all down to judgement. You are out of work hours when you’re getting tipsy at the Christmas party so technically you can do what you like and parties are the perfect opportunity to make a move on someone you’ve admired from a distance. However you also need to realise that people don’t forget the events of the annual party in a hurry. So if you are the talking point this year you will have to wait a whole 12 months before someone else makes the same mistake and directs the gossips away from you.

So have fun, be careful and if in doubt- go home alone this Christmas!