Hollywood always makes sex look amazing. It’s all candlelight, slushy music, writhing sweaty bodies and moan of pleasure but in reality things can be a lot different.
Take my ex boyfriend Harry for example. We met at the gym and after a few months of me trying my hardest to look attractive while almost passing out after just 10 minutes on the treadmill he finally asked me on a date. Harry was a typical gym-lover. He was 6ft 2, nicely tanned, with plenty of bulging muscles!
You see muscles aren’t usually my thing. I much prefer my men a bit rough around the edges-however I’m thinking more Andrew Flintoff than Rick Waller. Anyway the idea of Harry’s bulging biceps wrapping around me and the thought of holding onto those huge strong shoulders was far too much to resist and my usual taste went out of the window.
Three dates later and me and Harry had barely passed first base and it was driving me nuts. Don’t get me wrong I’m not one of those girl’s who dishes it out after one coffee date- it takes more than a skinny latte and a muffin to get into my knickers- but I just couldn’t help but lust after Harry. I don’t know if it was his rippling muscles showing through his shirt or his cheeky little grin but something told me that sex with him was going to be nothing short of mind blowing.
Anyway a week into our new ‘friendship’ and things finally started to heat up. We’d just enjoyed a nice romantic meal before meeting up with some of his friends at a swanky club where we both got a little tipsy and had a right good giggle. He’d invited me back to his apartment and we were soon in the middle of a rather steamy snogging session on his couch.
I felt a rush of excitement as finally he made a move and ran his hand up my leg and under my dress. His hands were big and his grip strong as he grabbed hold of my waist and pulled me on top of him .Before long he was hard and pushing inside me. I’d fantasised about this moment for weeks while sweating it out on the treadmill so to finally be experiencing the real thing felt amazing. He gripped my bum hard while he bounced me up and down on his cock and kissed my neck. I could feel the waves of pleasure starting to build inside me already and then it happened……I heard the all too familiar groans of pleasure as Harry gripped me harder and then loosened his grip and lay back on the couch….he had come already! 30 seconds has to be a record!
As I left Harry’s flat the next day I had talked myself into taking the previous night’s disappointment as a one off. First time sex is always a bit of a let down. We’d been quite drunk and perhaps I had hyped it all up a bit much. Next time we’ll take it slower and everything will be fine…..I was wrong!
A week, and 8 more sessions, later…yes I was counting!…. and things were no better. I’d tried every trick in the book to slow things down. Massage, a slow seductive strip, those condoms with mild anaesthetic in and I’d even brought a cock ring into the equation- which I must add was discarded after a few minutes because it was ‘too restricting’ for him. Anyway I was starting to get seriously frustrated and I knew the best way to deal with this is by being honest.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“You need to just tell him straight,Ã¢â‚¬Â said my work mate Amy one day, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Honesty is the best policy. If he doesn’t know he isn’t pleasuring you then how can he change that.Ã¢â‚¬ÂShe made a very good point so the next night I decided to have a word with Hasty Harry.
After I cooked him an exotic meal of microwave lasagne and chips we retired to the living room to watch some tele. It wasn’t long before we started kissing and I could sense Harry was in the mood for some loving.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Harry, Ã¢â‚¬Å“ I said as he started unbuttoning my dress, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Do you mind if we take it slow tonight?Ã¢â‚¬Â
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why?, Ã¢â‚¬Å“ he replied as he continued what he was doing. This threw me completely.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Errm just because I enjoy it more when we take our time,Ã¢â‚¬Â I continued, trying to be as sensitive as possible.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well I like it hard and fast, Ã¢â‚¬Å“ Harry replied, Ã¢â‚¬Å“It just doesn’t feel good if we go too slow.Ã¢â‚¬Â
I was amazed that he was dismissing my requests without a thought.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well I’d like us to give it a try,Ã¢â‚¬Â I tried again, Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is quite important that I enjoy it too.Ã¢â‚¬Â
That’s when Harry really flipped…..
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well if you saying you don’t enjoy sex with me then you know what you can do,Ã¢â‚¬Â he shouted as he brushed me aside and stood up. I was gobsmacked by his reaction. Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t have to take this shit from you. You think you’re all that but your not even a good shag yourself. Your just some slag I picked up at the gymÃ¢â‚¬Â he ranted.
I couldn’t believe how he had turned just because he thought I was questioning his bedroom skills. He’d gone from this nice caring, sexy, gym god to an angry, ranting idiot. Obviously I didn’t give him chance to hang about and insult me further and before you could say ‘premature ejaculation’ he was out of the door.
Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not totally heartless and I do understand that premature ejaculation can affect a lot of men at some point in their lives and I know it isn’t their fault but it was Harry’s unwillingness to acknowledge it and consider the effect it was having on my sexual enjoyment that really annoyed me.
I was prepared to work through the problem together and help him to get over it but instead he just wanted to shout at me and insult me.
So honesty didn’t work this time- but what’s the alternative- a life of not enjoying sex??
This was almost the case for my friend Sarah. She was totally head over heels in love with her childhood sweetheart Mike. They had been together since high school and really were the perfect couple. They shared the same music tastes, same friends, same sense of humour and even finished each others sentences….quite sickening really!
Anyway they had been together for about ten years when Sarah revealed a shocking secret to us during one girly DVD night at my house.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve never had an orgasm,Ã¢â‚¬Â she confessed.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“What do you mean?Ã¢â‚¬Â I asked in shock, Ã¢â‚¬Å“You and Mike have been having sex since you were about 15.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes, but I’ve never ever come..well at least I don’t think I have,Ã¢â‚¬Â she said.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trust me you know when you have hunny,Ã¢â‚¬Â piped up our friend Jayne.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not like I don’t enjoy it,Ã¢â‚¬Â explained Sarah, Ã¢â‚¬Å“But I just never seem to get to that ultimate moment so I always end up just faking it because I think Mike must be getting bored of waitingÃ¢â‚¬Â
After much more explanation and some rather comical demonstrations of the best positions from myself and Jayne, Sarah was determined she was going to have an orgasm whether Mike liked it or not. So she decided the best thing to do was sit him down and let him in on her secret. Yes he was a little surprised at first and a tad hurt that she hadn’t mentioned this before. He’d gone through years thinking he was a love god with a totally satisfied girlfriend and suddenly he felt like he’d let her down.
But after a long heart to heart and lots of cuddles and reassurance they were ready to get down to some serious orgasm making. Fast forward 2 weeks and Sarah’s had more orgasms than she could have imagined and they are both totally happy and even more in love with each other.
Great sex is all about trust and you can’t have trust without honestly. It all sounds very sensible and moralistic but if there is something bothering you about your partner or their sexual technique honesty really is the best policy. Nine times out of ten you both want the other person to enjoy sex so you really want to know if they are not. And if you do encounter a completely irrational, paranoid, doughnut like Harry then you honestly are much better off without him.