Hello All
I was married at 21 to someone from abroad.He came to live in UK with me.Now I am 31.In July 2002 he left my family home - we lived with my family, although they worked away for 10 months of the year so we virtually lived alone -. During the marriage I experienced treatment I have never dreamed of, mental and physical abuse, I was turned into a shadow of my former self; the stress made me ill and I was in such an isolated world. Things got better from time to time and I used to kid myself that it would be ok and it was just a bad patch...then finally, one sunny July day in 2002, he phyically attacked my mother in the kitchen; although she was slighly bruised on the arm, the action spoke louder than words. (even as I write this i feel pity for this man) He left that day, with just some clothes and few belongings and his car. I went with him to help him find somewhere to sleep, cos I couldnt bear the thought of something bad happening to him. Finally a friend of mine (who my husband was always very cold and rude to) let him stay in his flat for a week and I trawled the local papers and found him a nice flat, where he still lives today.
Then I lived with the guilt of helping him in his new life and the dis-loyalty I was showing my mother. Still now it tears me apart to think that i still support the man who abused my parents and family and friends (not to mention me) for years. But I had to, cos I am the only person he can rely on here in uk.
Time has moved on, my friend helped him find a job as a taxi driver (perfect work for someone who cannot work alongside others) and he has been making money like no tomorrow. He prides himself on showing me his bank balance - knowing full well that the years he lived with me and did not work at all, leaving me to support the 2 of us - have left me in debt. Occsionally i asked him to help me out with a credit card bill, he did help, but not without moaning. He goes and buys me something, like clothes, but will not say - "Here, take some money, u helped me a lot and i feel that now I can do the same for u, after all we are still married". If I do say I need some money, he said "Why??" and usually expects me to do something in return..
The last year or so, I have made new friends, re-kindled old ones, and generally have been really happy. I am poor, but I am rich in my heart. I have got a lot of my old spirit back and feel like "me" again.If i visit my husband he sees how happy I am and still tries to bring me down..but now I just walk away and come home and forget about it. My problem is this - I am in a limbo, cos he has said to me on many occasions I should find a new man and get on with my life and stop seeing him - most of that is designed to test me- But the truth is I have no trouble in meeting people, as without being boastful I am attractive and people warm to me easily!! (although my husband says I am fat and who will want me??) I recently met a man, on Christmas Eve, and we have been seeing each other ever since- is just over 1 month, but it has been sooo nice. He is so nice and kind and funny and all my friends love him. I told him I am separated and that I was married for some years - but I find it so nerve-racking just walking down the street with this new man, cos I expect to see my husband at any moment (cos his job as taxi-driver means he is all over the city centre where we live ) and when we go out I am constantly on edge, thinking that he will see us and stop his cab and cause a scene. This would really upset and hurt the guy I have recently met; and I live in fear of it happening.
I have some choices - I can tell my husband that its over - not cos I have met someone else, but just i feel its over - but i will still have to tell him I am seeing someone. But I know it sounds callous, but i feel that he owes me - really he does. He promised to buy me a car - just an old banger - cos I still didnt pass my test, cos we concentrated on his test first (he shouted at me when i failed my driving test) But last week he offered me £700 to go away and buy a car - but he said - if I took the money I would never be able to see him again....so my 10 year relationship boils down to £700, (bearing in mind he makes about £1,200 for 1 weeks work) and I am still creeping around.....wat the hell should I do??? If i stop seeing him period - will my life be worse? I dont wanna do it cos of the euphoria of the romance i am having now - and i dont wanna go back to him....i am totally confused.
Please - any comments gratefully accepted. Sorry its a bit long but I was on a roll.
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