16 and wanting a baby

[Jessy_Riot]

well, i'm 16 years old, my boyfriend is 18, and we both really want a baby. we've talked about it before, and i said i wasn't ready... but now i am. my best friend recently fell pregnant, and was worried sick about everything. i convinced her everything would be okay, and amazing. and in doing this, i also convinced myself. my boyfriend is in canada until sunday, and i'm going to tell him this news when he returns, and i'm thinking he'll be ecstatic. anyone else in this situation?

thanks,

Jessy <3

[The-Prophet]

are you sure your ready?

[blueblue]

Jessy, don't be offended but I think you shouldn't have a baby!

If you count your personal advantages, what can you give your child?

1) Love. Thats good but how many people did you love before? And I'm not talking about family... Do you love yourself? You might think I'm ridiculous, but that's a very important question. In good and in worse days? After you failed everybody? Think about it.
2) Education. You're 16 so you might have finished school and got your first job. But what do you know about the world? Have you travelled? Have you made your mind up about sex, drugs, politics, economics etc.? Think about the questions a child will have and the answers you might not be able to give.
3) Money. If you're a sibling of Paris Hilton, it won't matter. But else: you might have dreams of a nice house, toys for your child, holidays, everything known as a "good life". Money doesn't grow on trees (and welfare is humiliating). Think about the expenses you have now and what you can afford now.
4) Your boyfriend. Why does he want to have YOUR baby now? You love each other, so you should be able to live this love together, i.e. talk to each other, have fun with each other, get to know each other's dreams and fears. Also you must learn to argue with each other, to cry together and to tolerate failings. Think about the time you spent together and try to find out if you are really interested in each other.
5) The girl you know with the baby. I hope you see her very often and help her with the little one. But have you visited her after a long night with a sick child? Does she bless you for talking her into having the child? Think about it.
6) Your youth and your health. If you still wish to have a baby and if you still think you can take the responsibility, talk to your doctor about child diseases. You might have to cope with a disabled child - perfection isn't part of the deal. Think about it.

However, the future is yours for the taking. Don't make a mistake that can never be corrected. A child is a human being and a gift from God. Don't waste it!

[Jessy_Riot]

well blue, thank you for your time, and i wasn't offended at all.
yes, love is one of many things i have to offer my child. i do love myself, and my family, and my boyfriend... and i would love my baby as well. sometimes i feel low, yes, but not like i have failed anyone at all. my mother would undoubtedly diapprove, but she wouldn't be disappointed in me, or think any less of me. and anyone who would/does isn't worth my time. i have not yet finished school, but have 2 jobs... i plan to finish high school, baby or not. my boyfriend is starting his first year of college. he's getting his bachelor's in criminology, when i'm 18, he's going to join the army. we're going to marry, and i'm going to live on base with him and our baby. we will travel, and see the world. now granted, this will be no walk in the park, because i'll have to get a low-paying job on or around the base everytime we move, but i'm willing to do this. when he is finished with his service time, he is hoping to be a police officer. don't worry, i'm not just haphazardly throwing myself into a situation i'm not ready for. money shouldn't be a problem, as this will all be taken care of by the military. not only do they pay him, they pay me, and our child(ren) as well. i'm not saying we'll be living the 'good life' as soon as we move out, but we'll get there just like everyone else. and as for welfare, i wouldn't care at all if i had to do it for my child. :-/ but that's just me. my boyfriend wants to have MY baby now because we are in love. we are both happier than we've ever been. the things i'm willing to do for this man are unreal, and the same goes for him. i don't know how to explain it, but we know this is it, this is forever. we talk to eachother non-stop, have loads of fun, know eachother better than any other, and boy do we know how to argue and tolerate all the hard things in a relationship. my friend is pregnant, she doesn't have a child yet, and i didn't talk her into having a baby! she was in tears, called me up, and told me she thinks she is pregnant. she (like myself) doesn't believe in abortion, and doesn't want to give her baby away... so i told her everything was going to be okay. i told her that things would be fine, and she would get by, and the rough times would be worth it when she sees her beautiful baby grow up. i'm aware of the risks of having a child at a young age, but i'm a very healthy person, so i don't think that should be a problem either. the reason i want this baby is because, like you said, a child is a gift... we will have created a human life, and share that responisbility, and that gift. i am ready, i know this. however, i'll talk to him when he comes back from vacay.

thanks again for your advice, though.

Jessy <3

[sazjo]

i know exactly how you feel me and my boyfriend (both of us 16) want a baby too wow its so good to hear that somebody else feels the same! as long as a baby is in a loving enviorement then it should be ok do what your heart tells you! good luck x x x

[Jessy_Riot]

thanks sazjo,

i agree with you that a baby absolutely needs a loving environment, but that's not all... there are many things to think about before deciding to do it, which i have. i know that my partying days will be over, i'll have to go through school being stared at, go to college after my child is in school, etc... but like you said, it's a feeling in my heart, not just a desire, but that it's the right thing to do now.

Jessy <3

[jojo22]

Hi there,

It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought - and have a plan set out. I just wonder - if this is right and will last, as you know it will - what could it hurt to wait until your hubby is finished with the military and has got his police job and you a bit of college under your belt, some money behind both of you (I agree, money or career wise, there is no perfect time to have a baby - things do work out in a lot of cases)?

At least if you wait until he is out of the military and got a more regular job, then you know he will be around a lot more regularly to help you with bubs. He might get sent places in the military where you can't go with him, amounting to maybe long periods of separation. Looking after a baby on your own can be tough - it's nice to have someone there to share the work.

Have a think on it.

Also, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? If it is less than 6 months then I would strongly caution you to wait until the relationship has matured a bit with more time. When people are in the early stages of love - as in full blown, giddy, head over heels type stuff, then we don't tend to look at things very realistically.

[Jessy_Riot]

Thank you, jojo.
I appreciate your reply. Ryan and I have been together for only 5 months. However, I was in 2 serious relationships beside this one. They each were about a year long, and I didn't feel anywhere near how I feel about Ryan. He, too, was in a serious relationship, 2 years with the same person. We both agree that we feel much more strongly for eachother than we have for anyone else. I agree with you about the military situation, stability will be an issue, and I will want the kids to have their dad around. But I also have to take into account, he may be deployed... he may go to Iraq! And also, he may be killed. I absolutely want to have his baby, and I'd feel better if he had a little more to come home to, and live for when he's out there fighting for us all.

Thanks,

Jessy <3

[jojo22]

Honestly,

I don't think you should get pregnant at this time. I'm 35, had numerous boyfriends over the years until I settled down in my 30's and had a child. I remember feeling exactly as you do numerous times - wow, I've never felt this way about someone before - this is right, this is different - but the relationships didn't last. Why? Because when you are still in that head over heels in love stage you might get a sense of the problems or incompatibilities you have with a partner, but you gloss over them and the chemicals released by being in love make you feel like you've never felt that way before. In fact, you probably have - you just don't remember - you remember more strongly how bad things were at the end of your last relationship - not the good times - because that is a natural way to detach from old relationships and not grieve them.

I'm a developmental psychologist, who is working in the area of adolescent wellbeing. I can tell you that you have a lot of developmental tasks ahead of you and your outlook on life will mature and change over time - and that may lead you and your partner to drift apart, as is often the case with relationships between young people.

There is also a very real possibility that you will resent your child later in life because of the things you missed out on doing because you had one so young - that's not really fair to do to a child. The younger people are the more they also tend to find it hard to cope when things go wrong, your child is sick, etc - less likely to have the patience required to work through things with the child, and this may result in treating the child in selfish ways that is ultimately destructive to how they feel about themselves when they grow up.

Remember, you are responsible for shaping that young person into a well adjusted and happy adult - that is a very tough job, especially if you have not even reached adulthood yourself. The first two years of a babies life are critical in terms of how they are treated to what hang ups they carry with them through life - you wouldn't even be 20 when trying to make sure you are doing this in the best way for the baby.

You need to spend some time growing into the person that you are, really knowing who you are and making sure there is no room for resentment towards a child because you have met your own needs first. I know you might think you are all grown up and ready - but in reality, you have a lot more growing to do, and should take the time for yourself to do that.

Wanting to be a mother is one thing - being a good mother, who is willing to sacrafice her own needs for her child is another. I'm not talking about what you fantasize what you will be like - I'm talking about how you will actually act when placed in these situations - your fantasies and reality may likely be poles apart.

You might think - oh well, my mum will be there to help me out. But how thoughtful is that for your mum? You would no doubt be putting a lot of pressure on her to help you out - financially, time wise. She is probably just getting to a stage where she is getting a bit more freedom back into her life after raising you and your siblings and this should be a time for her to enjoy her life more, and not have to raise another child because of your romantic decision. Do you love your mum, would you want to place this on her? Is it fair?

The fact is - you can have all the plans in the world - but life seldom follows the plans as we have set them out - so many of the plans you and your boyfriend have also involve other people allowing them to happen - so what happens when, as will be the case, someone does not allow your plans to play out the way you see them playing out? What then? Probably it will be your mum that you will turn to to pick up the pieces.

My other concern is that sometimes people who are in the early stages of love think that having a child will magically make those early feelings of love stay forever - like the committment of having a child together will make everything magical and unchanging. This just does not happen. It is the wrong reason to have a child.

Also, if your partner goes to Iraq and gets fatally shot or blown up - then whether he has a child at home is not going to make any difference as to whether he survives or not. This is a romantic way of looking at things - nothing more, nothing less. It does not change the dangers of going to war.

I'm not hearing a lot of reasons to have this child that have much to do with what would be best for the child - and this should be paramount in making such a decision. For that reason, I don't think you should do this to the child.

[Jessy_Riot]

Thanks again, jojo... but like I said in previous posts, I'm not looking for someone to advise me not to do this, or try to change my mind. What I was looking for was support, stories, tips, etc. from people who have been through this. I do appreciate your post, and did read the whole thing (there was an awful lot), so I'll try to put some of your misconceptions at ease.

First, I understand what you're saying about love changing, fate not being set, and relationships growing stale. While I don't think this will ever happen, I would be able to handle myself (and my baby) if it did.

I have to say, though, that I am a little offended by the views you have for me, after just reading (not even experiencing) one aspect of my life. I would never, ever resent a baby I brought into this world! That is such a stereotype that teen mothers miss out on things. Like I said, I'm not any other 16 year old. I've partied. I've had sex. I've experienced a lot of things in relationships already that most have not by your age. I know you're probably thinking oh, how naive i am... but you do not know me.

If I were to get 'knocked up' by accident, or be raped, or something of the lot, I would not then even resent my baby. I do know that I am the person who brought the child into this. I also saw that you think I'm having this baby for selfish reasons, ie: making my relationship with Ryan stronger. Stronger! Closer! That is silly, and I know it. Having a relationship is hard enough... having a baby is hard enough... having both is going to be extremely difficult, and we both know this. We are well aware of the strain that will be put on our relationship, but want to bring a baby into this world. I think that what we are doing is the opposite of selfish, just for that! But you are entitled to any opinions of yours, and judgements you may make on us.

I am also very aware of the fact that i have a lot of developing yet to do, but that I am pretty advanced for my age. I don't know many 16 year old girls who would (knowing the consequences, hardships, and possibilities) be so serious about starting a family.

I have no doubt that I will be a good mother, and that Ryan will be a good father, and I don't need you telling me the difference between good and bad parents. I will be sacrificing my own needs, wants, and goals to have this baby, and like I said, I still want to carry through with it.

I also know that what I expect may not be exactly what I get. But I know that no matter what, I will do whatever I have to to make this child's life great, and so will my boyfriend. I do have fantasies... many, many fantasies. I also have realistic goals, and having a baby with my boyfriend in the next year is a very feasible one that will most likely be met, regardless of your attempts to stray me from it.

The thing that offended me most about this is that you think I would leave my responsibilities up to my mother. Not so. My mother is a great woman, and I would hope to have her SUPPORT. Nothing more, not money, not daycare, not anything. Of course, if I were in a sticky situation, she would be there for me, I'm sure. For example, if something did happen between Ryan and I, I'd need a while to get back on my feet. The baby and I would probably move back in with my mother, until I got my things organized. I would, however, pay her rent, and not expect her to be anything more than a loving grandmother to my child.

I don't think having a baby will make our relationship last... I think it will be very difficult on us at first. But, like I said, we truly love eachother, and would live through it, and come out stronger than before.

The reason I said I'd want to have a baby in case he got deployed and hurt, is because I would then have a part of him... I would still have my beautiful child in which we shared the making. I would love our child to pieces, whether or not he/she had a father around.

What would be best for my child? Having a mother and father that love him/her more than anything else in this world. I know that love alone is not going to get us by, but like I said, now is the right time, and I can feel it. I am a very responsible person, and a person very wary of the effects of my actions on other people. I would not bring a baby into this world for the reasons you think I am.

I hope now you don't have such a low opinon of me, and once more, i'm not looking to be talked out of this!! I just want some advice from people who have been through it... teen mothers.

Jessy <3

[jojo22]

Ok Jess,

I'll leave it at that. Just so you know though, I don't have a low opinion of you and I used maybes, sometimes, may happens, etc for the most part in my message - I'm just trying to get across what can often happen - and that does not mean it will be this way in your case. I hope everything works out well for you,

Jo

[Jessy_Riot]

Thanks, Jo. I do appreciate your input very much. I thought a lot about the things you said, and it only made my decision more concrete, because i realized that all that will not happen in my case, hopefully.

Thanks again,

Jessy <3

[BadHairDays]

hey

i got pregnant in the first 3mths me and my boyfriend were together, obviously it wasn't planned, but thats what makes my baby even more special to me.
my boyfriend and i have now been together 3years, and are still in love as we were from the start, i am planning to get pregnant again in the next few months.
a relationship like that can work, but it does need stability and enough love to survive.

[kissex]

Hey I am 18, and my boyfriend and I are wanting to have a baby too, we have thought about everything already, and we are starting to try now...its so nice to know that I am not the only one...I love children and I cant wait!!

[Ineedadvice]

im 16 and my boyfriend is 18 and we are both trying for a baby