My boyfriends female friend - is she overstepping the mark?

[aasd19]

yep, I think rosanna's boyfriend is right in not wanting to marry a woman who works closely with a male partner, as is the OP here in not wanting that between her bf and the female friend. I think most men agree that platonic relationships don't last, and it's usually the women who say they do.

[Cambridge]

Well, aasd, that's just silly. I doubt that if you polled you would get 10% of males who agree that you can't have a platonic relationships with females. Most males don't think of their dicks running their brains.

But our opinions on the subject are irrelevant to rosanna. She doesnt' agree with her bf and so she has a fundamental difference in an intimate relationship to her. She is questioning her own position because the loss of this relationship is obviously important to her.

Every intelligant person on this board has tried to knock some sense into her. But the debate has turned into one between you and me as to whether women should be free, or whether they should be cloistered in some man's bedroom. Well, I believe in women guiding their lives by free will, not by some reaction as to where their man stands on their role in life.

[aasd19]

I know that opinion is divided on this subject, but I hardly know anyone who managed to keep the friendship as just friendship, it always went on to more. That doesn't mean they should sit at home, but you need to draw a line somewhere.
I only gave my opinion on her because it is relevant to this thread and also because you asked me to. Your posts in that thread imply that she should dump her bf, here you are supporting the bf now, although first you were telling her that she was right to be worried.
Being close friends with someone of the opposite sex can be a major threat for a relationship. It can and usually does lead to so much more. So it's unwise.

[glen]

Its hard to comment _ as people cant see the context of the words or what your relationship is like.

In my relationship the cakes wouldn't be overstepping the mark but suggesting you need help certainly would be

I think he needs to be more caring and thoughtful to you. I have lots of female friends, but mainly my fiances friends who i've now become close too. Its the same for her. Maybe that's why neither of us feel threatened by our "friends" behaviour.

Personally (i appreciate everyone is different though), i don't think that men and women can be close close close friends without rubbing hips, or at least one of them wanting to rub hips... but everyone is different.

In your case it sounds unacceptable and should be if you're uncomfortable with it.

So I take it you don't prohibit the possibility, which is what aasp and rosanna's man is doing. I can have a relationship with dozens of women without "rubbing hips". I never rubbed hips with my sisters. I never rubbed hips with my mother. I never rubbed hips with my neices. I never rubbed hips with my daughters. I never rubbed hips with my friend's wives.

I think you're being a tad pedantic there. Obviously i'm not talking about family. And as i said close close close not people that you pass in your classroom or somebody you sat on a bench with.

Professional relationships are very different to personal....

[Cambridge]

Unfortunately, I was still drafting my post when you were responding. Gd for you…answering right back. But I did not mean to limit my examples to family or professional relationships. Note, that a professional relationship is just what rosanna’s man is complaining about.

I'm talking about personal relationships as well. If you visit my early post, I was talking about women being women and men being men, and yet having a platonic relationship. What I'm saying is it is all right for women to be women friends to men, and men to be men friends to woman. They don’t have to hide their gender just because it is a platonic relationship. It can be such, and not every manifestation of gender needs to be interpreted as an affront to a lover.

[MaxtheGaul]

Poppy,

Let's be very clear here, your b/f's female friend is not overstepping the mark, she had no particular obligations to manage her relationship with him. It's up to your b/f to determine what is appropriate. I think he might be being insensitive and taking your previous tolerance a little for granted though.

The simple questions are:
- do you trust him?
- do you feel that he is spending time with her when he should be with you?

If you don't trust him then you have a different sort of problem, and she is just a manifestation of it.

If you do trust him, but feel he's spending too much time with her, or paying her too much attention compared to the time and attention you are getting, then talk to him about it (not about "is he cheating on you?", just about how he is spending his time). If he's worth keeping he will place your needs above hers.

Does he see her at your place openly with you, or on his own? If the latter is that what is getting to you? Does he tell you honestly all about what happens (it sounds as though he does). Then you probably have little to worry about.

Bouncy's thoughts are very sensible, although I think she's being a bit hard on him, I don't think he's being a jerk, just insensitive.

[Bouncy]

yep, I think rosanna's boyfriend is right in not wanting to marry a woman who works closely with a male partner, as is the OP here in not wanting that between her bf and the female friend. I think most men agree that platonic relationships don't last, and it's usually the women who say they do.

This is the type of insecure person with low self-esteem I was talking about. He doesn't think it's possible that you can be in the same room with someone of the opposite sex every day and not want to have sex with them. It's the same as homophobes who think every gay man out there finds them attractive and wants to shag them.

I've had a platonic relationship with a wonderful man for more than half my life. We've even slept in the same bed together. He's comforted me when I've needed it and I've done the same in return. The thought of having sex with this man is preposterous! When he's been asked if he's considered a sexual relationship with me, he's laughed just as hard as I have. He's like my brother. I don't know about you, but I've never even contemplated having sex with my brother. However, if you've considered rubbing hips with a family member, then this is probably an issue for you.

Just because I'm attracted to men (hell, I even had the audacity to marry one ) doesn't mean I can't have a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex; professionally or personally. I still find men other than my husband attractive. Being in love with one person doesn't mean you can't appreciate beauty in others. It doesn't mean I find every man in the universe attractive enough that I want to shag them. Or vulnerable enough that I'll do that in a moment of weakness. People who can't see that need to get a grip on life and address their own insecurities about themselves first before thinking about what other people may or may not being doing when they're not in their presence.

And yes, I have at certain points in my life been the jealous girlfriend who didn't want my guy hanging out with certain women I didn't approve of. Sometimes it was warranted, sometimes it wasn't. It's an ugly mindset to have either way and it not only destroys your relationship, it destroys you as well. You become someone like aasd19. When you find someone you can trust and be open and honest with, it's the most amazing thing in the world. I'm fortunate enough to have such a man in my life. One of our marriage vows said "It's not just about having the right partner, it's about being the right partner." If you haven't found the partner that's right for you, move along. If you can't be the right partner for the one person you're with, move along. Don't get caught in a war zone where you'll be fighting for ground your entire relationship.

[MaxtheGaul]

yep, I think rosanna's boyfriend is right in not wanting to marry a woman who works closely with a male partner.

Absolutely, that's going to be right for him, because he doesn't know how to trust a woman, but it doesn't mean it's right for Rosanna. He's just going to have to find someone else.

[Poppy113]

It has been so helpful to read the range of comments people have made towards my first post.

Everyone is different and so it is simply not a question of saying 'men and women can neve be friends', every situation needs to be judged based on the two individuals within it and this is where I think the problem begins...

I have only met the woman in question a few times (when she was with her last boyfriend) and since, I have not met her. She has only been at the house when I have not been there (I was out with friends).

My boyfriend has never suggested we all meet up together when questioned about this he says he prefers to keep some friends 'just to himself' and meet up with them on his own. Friends that belong to him and not shared.

I know he also communicates with this woman on facebook. I am on facebook but he has refused to accept me as one of his friends and will not give a reason why.

He told me this weekend if he was going to 'go off with her' he would have done it years ago (despite the fact she had a boyfriend then).

I think I feel uncomfortable because of some of the things many of you questioned and picked up on:

* I have not seen this woman for some time.
* I feel excluded as a result from some part of his life - facebook just being part of this, although I think the whole hysteria about these sites far exceeds their actual worth.
* When they meet they plan to do things and have a range of great experiences - I find he can be quite lazy at planning weekends with me despite my need for the new and exciting.
* Although still young (and hopefully attractive) I am six years younger than him and it has just started to get to me - probably because she is the same age as him.

You can see this whole thing is starting to affect my confidence which annoys me because I'm usually such a positive person.

Thanks for all your comments so far...

[Poppy113]

Sorry...meant 6 years older!

[MaxtheGaul]

Do you mind me asking, how old are you?

[chococookie]

Did you speak to your boyfriend again about this?

[Poppy113]

Absolutely not, 32..

[Poppy113]

Did you speak to your boyfriend again about this?

Yes, briefly...hence the new post..

[chococookie]

Did you speak to your boyfriend again about this?

Yes, briefly...hence the new post..

and? Does he plan to change anything?