My boyfriends female friend - is she overstepping the mark?

[Poppy113]

I would really appreciate any opinions/advice any of you have on this matter. I'm starting to question myself and I need to know I am not going mad.

My boyfriend has always had female friends and I am quite used to this. A few he no longer sees as they wanted more, despite knowing he had a girlfriend.

His latest friend he saw 4-5 times a year he now sees almost once a week following a break up with her boyfriend (he cheated on her). She came over last year to make hime cakes and her Christmas present to him was handmade, beautiful and bespoke. She also asked him to write a list of New Years Resolutions they would later compare and discuss.

Despite being a woman that keeps telling herself I'm interesting, attractive, etc.. I cannot help feeling threatened by this behaviour. I also feel some of her actions, as a female friend to a man with a girlfriend, would be out of the question as I feel I would be in the territory of a girlfriend and I would want to be respectful.

I have discussed this with my boyfriend and his reaction was extreme. He thought there was nothing wrong with it and that perhaps 'I needed to go and see someone'!

This has upset me. I think I would feel better about all of this if he could express how he feels and make plans for the future with me too..

What do you think about this situation?

[Cambridge]

Despite being a woman that keeps telling herself I'm interesting, attractive, etc.. I cannot help feeling threatened by this behaviour. I also feel some of her actions, as a female friend to a man with a girlfriend, would be out of the question as I feel I would be in the territory of a girlfriend and I would want to be respectful.

Such as… We don’t need your conclusions. If we are to effectively guide, we need the facts.

This is a tough one. I believe males and females can be friends. But you’ve got to consider—even if platonic—males are males and females are females. What I am trying to say is that a woman is not going to become a butch just because she has a male friend that she would never dream of touching. Understand?

Focus on your relationship. As long as you and he confirm that the two of you are the romantic pair, this thing is extraneous. If she really goes after him you will know. As Henry VII said, keep your friend comfortable, but keep your enemies in your embrace.

Now, what were those facts?

[aasd19]

I would really appreciate any opinions/advice any of you have on this matter. I'm starting to question myself and I need to know I am not going mad.

My boyfriend has always had female friends and I am quite used to this. A few he no longer sees as they wanted more, despite knowing he had a girlfriend.

His latest friend he saw 4-5 times a year he now sees almost once a week following a break up with her boyfriend (he cheated on her). She came over last year to make hime cakes and her Christmas present to him was handmade, beautiful and bespoke. She also asked him to write a list of New Years Resolutions they would later compare and discuss.

Despite being a woman that keeps telling herself I'm interesting, attractive, etc.. I cannot help feeling threatened by this behaviour. I also feel some of her actions, as a female friend to a man with a girlfriend, would be out of the question as I feel I would be in the territory of a girlfriend and I would want to be respectful.

I have discussed this with my boyfriend and his reaction was extreme. He thought there was nothing wrong with it and that perhaps 'I needed to go and see someone'!

This has upset me. I think I would feel better about all of this if he could express how he feels and make plans for the future with me too..

What do you think about this situation?

I personally don't believe in platonic relationships, but I would think even if I did, her behaviour is not acceptable and she should back off . What is more worrying is your boyfriend's reaction.
Would he like it if you were that close with another male? probably not?
try to speak to your bf again, and even with this woman perhaps.

[Cambridge]

I have to think that this is a constraining view of the situation. I think that aasd19 reveals his cards when he says that platonic relationships, in his view, don’t work. Think about the richness that that eliminates from one’s world. You can’t talk to a woman about physics, philosophy, medicine or history??? You’re a newby lawyer in a big law firm and you can’t approach a woman to be your mentor? Even if she’s the best in her field?

Poppy, I've just gotta think that you can handle this and still not feel threatened. If he’s attracted to another, then you’ve already lost him. If he likes her but still returns to you without any untoward conduct, well…how bout you? You are hot, hot, hot…lady. Let him have his friendship and rely on your own hot femininity. You…and he knows what he likes. She’s no threat. And by all appearances, she doesn’t want to be.

[aasd19]

I have to think that this is a constraining view of the situation. I think that aasd19 reveals his cards when he says that platonic relationships, in his view, don’t work. Think about the richness that that eliminates from one’s world. You can’t talk to a woman about physics, philosophy, medicine or history??? You’re a newby lawyer in a big law firm and you can’t approach a woman to be your mentor? Even if she’s the best in her field?

Poppy, I've just gotta think that you can handle this and still not feel threatened. If he’s attracted to another, then you’ve already lost him. If he likes her but still returns to you without any untoward conduct, well…how bout you? You are hot, hot, hot…lady. Let him have his friendship and rely on your own hot femininity. You…and he knows what he likes. She’s no threat. And by all appearances, she doesn’t want to be.

talking is one thing, being close friends is another. I think you will find several people who do not agree with platonic relationships. Imo, they often turn into something else, so OP and her boyfriend need to be careful about this.

[Verve]

My boyfriends female friend - is she overstepping the mark?

YOUR MAN IS OVERSTEPPING HIS MARK


Why can't woman look to the person they are with and blame them for their behavior. His friend lost her man.. He's stepping in to either console her or f*ck her. What's his plan I don't know. But at the end of the day your issue is not with her it's with your man. The one person that has a connection to you. He might just think this is all fun that he's getting her attention now. But you need to remind him who his lover is. Tell him that he is disrespecting you. He can be sympathetic but draw the line when his woman who he loves is beginning to feel uncomfortable. If you can't stand up for yourself you might as well not be with him. As a matter a fact if your relationship is new less than 1- 2 years don't even care. It's a waste of your precious energy move on. And when you do tell him the shrink told you to.

[chococookie]

well, I'm not sure if I believe in the total sincerity of platonic friendships, but this is certainly too much.
I agree with verve, your boyfriend is as much, if not more, to blame here.

[Bouncy]

Get to know her better. If she's a friend of your boyfriend, there's no reason she can't be a friend of yours either. Invite her to hang out with you; either to join you down the pub for a drink, to go to a movie together, or over for dinner. Tell her she's more than welcome to bring a friend along so she won't feel like the third wheel. This tells her that she's the extra person in the group, not you. If she turns down the invitation, ask for a rain check or tell her to pick a time and place where you can all meet up. If she's uncomfortable getting together with the both of you, it tells you there's something more going on and you'll have to deal with that situation. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable getting together with the both of you, it says the same and you'll have to deal with that as well.

I agree with Verve also. Your boyfriend is being a jerk. He should be making sure you're comfortable with his friendships, not making you feel guilty or left out because you're asking about it or telling him you're feeling left out. It's one thing to be sympathetic. It's quite another to show sympathy at the cost of making your loved one feel less important.

And by the way, anybody who tells you it's not possible to have a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex when you're in a relationship is insecure and has low self-esteem. When there's no doubt in your mind where your partner's heart and respect lies, you don't care what gender his/her friends are.

[Cambridge]

Get to know her better. If she's a friend of your boyfriend, there's no reason she can't be a friend of yours either. Invite her to hang out with you; either to join you down the pub for a drink, to go to a movie together, or over for dinner. Tell her she's more than welcome to bring a friend along so she won't feel like the third wheel. This tells her that she's the extra person in the group, not you. If she turns down the invitation, ask for a rain check or tell her to pick a time and place where you can all meet up. If she's uncomfortable getting together with the both of you, it tells you there's something more going on and you'll have to deal with that situation. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable getting together with the both of you, it says the same and you'll have to deal with that as well.

I agree with Verve also. Your boyfriend is being a jerk. He should be making sure you're comfortable with his friendships, not making you feel guilty or left out because you're asking about it or telling him you're feeling left out. It's one thing to be sympathetic. It's quite another to show sympathy at the cost of making your loved one feel less important.

And by the way, anybody who tells you it's not possible to have a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex when you're in a relationship is insecure and has low self-esteem. When there's no doubt in your mind where your partner's heart and respect lies, you don't care what gender his/her friends are.

I always did like bouncy for her brains. Without more, I am not as willing to criticize the guy as you are, Bouncy, and Verve. But I will agree that if he's sensitive, he certainly missed the opportunity to do exactly what you are suggesting...all good suggesting, btw.

I've had platonic relationships and my woman did the same thing: she invited the friend to drinks or wherever and eventually they became such good friends that I became jealous. Not really...it was a happy, harmless ending.

Life is multifarious. I would never deny my significant other a chance to interact with males for all of the professional, educational, economic and other benefits for which people interact with each other. In fact, I would be a bit ashamed. I would know I was being jealous and selfish...as that's precisely where such motives come from.

[rosanna_6]

Well, I can relate in some sense and I won't blame your boyfriend too much. I've been in a similar situation, although I've never done stuff like cake baking and handmade gifts for my male friends. My fiance was also uncomfortable with me having a lot of good male friends, and the first time he talked to me about it, I was annoyed and stunned as well.
Try speaking to him again over it, he might be willing to do something about it once he's given it some thought.

[Cambridge]

Well, I can relate in some sense and I won't blame your boyfriend too much. I've been in a similar situation, although I've never done stuff like cake baking and handmade gifts for my male friends. My fiance was also uncomfortable with me having a lot of good male friends, and the first time he talked to me about it, I was annoyed and stunned as well.
Try speaking to him again over it, he might be willing to do something about it once he's given it some thought.

Honestly, rosanna. “Cake baking and handmade gifts for my male friends” is somehow dishonourable? Oooohhh…sounds like a conspiracy to me. I enjoy gourmet cooking and I have plenty of females that I cook with, share recipes…and the like. If that’s having an affair, it’s pretty foiking boring. “I saw her lentils with gorgonzola and it was love at first sight.” Pleeeeaaase…

[rosanna_6]

Well, I can relate in some sense and I won't blame your boyfriend too much. I've been in a similar situation, although I've never done stuff like cake baking and handmade gifts for my male friends. My fiance was also uncomfortable with me having a lot of good male friends, and the first time he talked to me about it, I was annoyed and stunned as well.
Try speaking to him again over it, he might be willing to do something about it once he's given it some thought.

Honestly, rosanna. “Cake baking and handmade gifts for my male friends” is somehow dishonourable? Oooohhh…sounds like a conspiracy to me. I enjoy gourmet cooking and I have plenty of females that I cook with, share recipes…and the like. If that’s having an affair, it’s pretty foiking boring. “I saw her lentils with gorgonzola and it was love at first sight.” Pleeeeaaase…

No, not dishonourable at all. I meant that I wasn't this close(like the OP's bf and the friend) with any of my guy friends, but still my fiance had a problem, so I guess this could be a bigger problem. Their friendship looks fine to me,so no, not a conspiracy theory!

[Cambridge]

I agree. It was aasp that said my position here was contradictory with my position on your thread. I think he meant well, but the fundamental difference I have with him is he thinks that men and women cannot have a platonic relationship. Well, you and I know differently.

But aasp, I'm not going to blind-side you, so I ask you directly, do you realize how sexist your proposition is? I mean men and woman cannot get together in anything but a sexual relationship? Ok, so who has to quit the job? Who has to give up all of her professional relationships? Who has to abandon all of her known contacts with any male whatsoever? That's what rosanna's man is laying on her, and you are agreeing!

And if women are only good for sex, that means you think they should always be barefoot and pregnant, right? After all, if only sex matters, and the consequences of sex are...well, babies, what do you think? See, think this thing through and you see that your premise is, and can only be a sexist philosophy.

[glen]

Its hard to comment _ as people cant see the context of the words or what your relationship is like.

In my relationship the cakes wouldn't be overstepping the mark but suggesting you need help certainly would be

I think he needs to be more caring and thoughtful to you. I have lots of female friends, but mainly my fiances friends who i've now become close too. Its the same for her. Maybe that's why neither of us feel threatened by our "friends" behaviour.

Personally (i appreciate everyone is different though), i don't think that men and women can be close close close friends without rubbing hips, or at least one of them wanting to rub hips... but everyone is different.

In your case it sounds unacceptable and should be if you're uncomfortable with it.

[Cambridge]

Its hard to comment _ as people cant see the context of the words or what your relationship is like.

In my relationship the cakes wouldn't be overstepping the mark but suggesting you need help certainly would be

I think he needs to be more caring and thoughtful to you. I have lots of female friends, but mainly my fiances friends who i've now become close too. Its the same for her. Maybe that's why neither of us feel threatened by our "friends" behaviour.

Personally (i appreciate everyone is different though), i don't think that men and women can be close close close friends without rubbing hips, or at least one of them wanting to rub hips... but everyone is different.

In your case it sounds unacceptable and should be if you're uncomfortable with it.

So I take it you don't prohibit the possibility, which is what aasp and rosanna's man is doing. I can have a relationship with dozens of women without "rubbing hips". I never rubbed hips with my sisters. I never rubbed hips with my mother. I never rubbed hips with my neices. I never rubbed hips with my daughters. I never rubbed hips with my friend's wives.

When I was teaching at university there were hundereds of women that were in my classes that I never rubbed hips with. Now I am a trial lawyer and I deal daily with female attorneys, female judges and female associates. I've never rubbed hips with any of them and I'm sure if I tried I'd get reported. So you see, the system does work. We don't have to have erections to deal with the opposite sex. Please forgive me if I'm too graphic...but I want to make a point.