I can't get over my ex-girlfriend

[tyler42]

niceguy 69

You have hit the nail right on the head, like you our relationship lasted for 13 years, and even though I had girlfriends before her, she was the only real one that loved. Since we split it’s been hard and I have had some very, very low days.

Over the last year or so I have started to cope with the situation. And as I said in an earlier post, whilst you’re in contact you cling on to hope.
When she admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that she was seeing someone It turned my stomach inside out, it must be a chemical reaction, basically I think it is not just the hurt, it’s the final realisation that you are second best to someone else. I try not to think what she’s doing, but it’s so hard, like you I can’t get her out of my thoughts. I don’t know the answer, we have all heard (time is a healer) well it’s been a long time for me, things were starting to get easer until she told me about this new guy, maybe give it another week or so and the pain will start to go, I really hope so.

[Amandakae]

I hope it does get better Tyler42 and everyone else! I'm kinda scared now. My ex bf and I just broke up like a week ago, and I read on here that people are feeling the same way I feel after several years! I cant even imagine feeling how i feel for longer than a month. I think I would die if it was longer!

I also think that the hurt comes from the realization that you're not #1 anymore, and that when you go to bed or do whatever, you dont have someone thinking about you anymore. that's the worst with me. That I'm not wanted.

And I also have those up and down moments or days. Like I'll be laughing and having fun with my girlfriends one minutes, then 30 minutes later I'll be crying again or at least hurting a lot again.

I've done good so far, I've broken contact for 3 days..no nothing. lol. I know that sounds like nothing at all to some people, but after speaking to him at least 3 or 4 times everyday for the past 3 years..it's really difficult! It's hard to change your life around when that person leaves. And thats exactly what I have to do. Change my entire life, what makes me happy, what comforts me, my thoughts, my actions, the places I go. Maybe that's also why I'm feeling so hurt. I didnt feel that I wanted my life to change, but as soon as he says "We're breaking up" everything around me changes.

Sometimes when I feel really happy, I then get angry with myself. I feel that I'm kidding myself when I try to be happy and I am just faking it. I hate feeling like this, because I feel so helpless. It's the only situation that I've never had any say in or never been able to change. Does anyone else feel like they are made out of glass right now and if something else little goes wrong, they will just shatter?

[Millerfan]

I met the love of my life about 4 years ago. I fell for her immediately but I was too shy to ask her out, so we became good friends. Six months later we started dating. It would take me another year to make her my girlfriend. When I would ask her to be my g/f, she would tell me to give her time. I assumed that she needed time to get over her previous love who recklesly broke her heart. I later found out that she had a boyfriend who she hid from me very well considering that we we spent a significant amount of time together pretty much on a daily basis. I actually had enough hints to find out, but I denied it to myself because I was in love. I must say that up until today a part of my mind does not allow me to mix her with everyone else. Ever since I met her my consious mind has disguised her as an angel, or just something else out of this world, something made for one purpose, to love and be loved by me.

Well, anyway from the moment I met her till we became b/f and g/f we became intimate friends. We came close. She had an attraction for me but it was not love. One thing I don't get is that she would say she loved me like a brother yet she was very willingly sexually involved with me. Those two concepts mixed just don't make sense to me. During that time I not only became a close friend and sexual partner, but I practically became a member of her family very fast. I become close to all her family members. I kept asking her to be my girlfriend, and out of fear of loosing the most dear relationship she ever had, she gave in. She broke up with the other guy (I still didn't know about him) and asked me if I still wanted to be her b/f. I must admit that even though I had become close to her, I was nervious reck during that timeframe because the back of my head knew that she was lying to me.

We became b/f and g/f and I was on top of the world. That special being that I always knew would be mine for the first time admited to the whole world that she too had feelings for me. She said later that she did it so she wouldn't lose me. I thought she finally had seen the light (that we were ment to be). When she said I love you she would say in a playful way, so she wouldn't sound too serious. I was so convinced that we were meant to be that when she did say that she wasn't completely in love with me or when she would say that she loved my like brother I would deceive myself and holding on to the idea that as time went by she would grow to love me and share my fantasy of true love. Things were headed that way until things started to fall apart. Six months later we had a huge fight. The subject was not really important but it grew overwhelmingly because of her pride and my hardheadedness. We got back two weeks later but things were never the same again. This incident destroyed any chance of her love for me to grow.We had several fights every once in awhile but got along just fine. I remember her telling me at least twice how she believed that we were soul mates. We had the most fun together and it did not matter what we did, as long as we were together. My ties with her family grew strong, and both my family and her family assumed that we would end up getting married. In the year and a half that we were b/f and g/f I was the happiest I have ever been. She started to develop some sort of dislike for me after that. At first it was just indifference towards me and it elevated to anoyance. It was weird because even though she felt this way we would still talk for hours. She broke up with me after a fight. The fight was not important since she said it was the last straw and that she had been getting tired of me. I did what I had done before, I left and came back after a couple of weeks and we would get back together. It didn't work this time. She said this time was different and there would not be another chance. My last resort was friendship. We went back to friends only so that I could use it to calm her down and I once again convinced her to take me back. Weeks after this a change started taking place inside of me. I realized how I my dignity had disolved and started thinking about how a woman would love a man without dignity. Worst of all , I realized that I made her miserable, she couldn't hide it in her eyes. One night we went out had a wonderful time and I asked her to spend the night with me. She said that she didn't want to, she didn't feel the same way as before. I told her in a gently manner that If she really did not want to be with me, she didn't have to. I asked her if she wanted to break up with me, she said yes. I dropped her off at home and I told her she was the love of my life and that I wished her the best in her life. She hugged me and wispered "I love you" into my ear. I have not talked to her since. That fantasy that I developed when I met her still lives in my heart and something tells me that she will come back to me. She sent me an email a few months ago saying hello. I told her to never write to me again. I guess I just wanted her to think that she may never see me again, I know that she misses me. I wait for her to show up at my door or call so I wait for her everyday. I have done more begging than some people have done in their lifetime, so I do not plan to ever approach her on my own. If it was meant to be she will come back.

[Amandakae]

I've been hearing that "if it was meant to be, it'll be" line a lot. My ex bf said it at least 5 times when he was breaking up with :S. I guess it's true, but does anyone else wish for nothing else but to look at the future and see whats in store for you? If we could all do that, I bet we wouldnt be so sad right now.

[LaObOi215]

Life sucks... Me and my ex just broked up last month and we have been together for 4 1/2 years... now i found out that she is seeing somone new??... man this really hurted me i really love her we was planing our future and everything... I'm so depress.... HELP!!??!!

[Millerfan]

Yeah I know what you feel, I broke up with my ex 8 months ago and I'm still recovering. I recommend to surround yourself with friends. Try looking up old friends that you might have lost contact because of the relationship. You may still feel down during the gathering, but it will keep your mind busy. Pick up new hobbies. Video games are very good. They keep you busy for hours w/out leaving the house. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANY SONGS THAT WILL REMIND YOU FO HER, IT"S TORTURE. I know it all sounds cheesy but you won't know if it works unless you try. For me, breaking up had many positive effects. That emptiness that I felt turned into a vaccum that began consuming new ideas and ways of thinking. As a result I have definetly matured about 7 to 10 years.

[Amandakae]

Yeah, I guess its kinda hard to see the postive affects at first, but there are a lot. I'm seeing a lot of friends that I lost touch with, I'm finding out more about myself, I have time to concentrate on school/work, I can look at guys without feeling guilty! lol I know it'll take a long time for me to get over my ex, but I'm trying to look forward to the future. Tommorrows always a new day! You never ever know what will happen, and it could be the best day of your life.

I think getting back in the dating world will be the most difficult for me. I know I dont want a serious relationship right now cause it wouldnt be fair to me or the other guy cause I know I still feel for my ex (more friendish now) but I do want the experience of getting to know other guys and slowly trying to get back in the dating loop. I feel like I'm in grade 9 all over again!

This really nice guy who I've known for awhile, but lost touch, asked me out for this week, not really a date but just a "get to know each other again." I feel really nervous and almost scared to go. I dont even remember how to go on a date, what to do, etc. It was so comfortable with my ex. I think the main problem is that I'm going to expect every guy I date, to be exactly like my ex..like i'll expect them to know me well, talk to me the same, be comfortable..and i know that wont happen right away. I guess I just have to basically start all over.

Even though I feel really lost right now and still hurt, I would not change the 3 years I spent with my ex for anything in the entire world.

[flyingdutchman]

Well , people firtsly I'd like to start off saying you are not alone. I have had my fair share of heart ache as well with my EX who happend to be my first love as well. I loved her soo much and really thought that this person was the one for me and we would be together forever. Everything about the relationship was great, I couldn't fault it for perhaps one thing. She is English and I'm Dutch and I met her in Holland , were after some time of dating she moved in with me , however things where a bit difficult for her as she didnt speak Dutch, which made it hard for her to find a suitable job . Anyway overcoming this hurdle we continued to have a great relationship and have lots of laughs , great sex , plans for the future and potentially marriage. However ,one day coming home from work she wasn't there and after a day I found out that she was in Amsterdam only to find thats she indulged herself with drugs . I didnt understand why she would do such a thing as she nows that I'm very much against that sor of thing . After convincing her to come home and talk about things , and what was wrong she told me she was sorry for what she has done . The following day, in afternoon she called me to come home as she wanted to speak to me about something , so cutting work short i come home and she tells me she slept with one of my best friends whilst she was in Amsterdam . I thought my world caved in and emotion took over, however after a lot of crying shouting and raving . I decided to confront my friend , and he denied everything and some else told me that it was impossible as he was at home the time . So I didnt know who to believe. So our relationship ended there and she returned back to England. 3 days later i receive a phone call from her crying and pleeing for me to come over to England . She called me everday for 3 weeks . I was still very emotional and not thinking with a straight head, and after forgiving her I decided one day to leave everything behind and move over to England to give our relationship another try , we where both quite young (19 ,21). I was soo happy to see her again and quickly forgot the whole saga , and we started from scratch again , building up our lives in England . So after a year or soo and having some lucky breaks with jobs , finances and trust restored I really thought this relationship was going to last forever,after all we had overcomed the fact she claimed she slept with some one else , which is a big major thing if that happens . Boy oh Boy was I wrong , after a year we decided to go on a holiday ( no not to Spain ) to Cyprus , where one night I over heard talking on the phone too someone saying how much she was missing him and how much she loved him and the dilemma of being with me. Well you can sort of guess what happend after that , how could I have been so foolish to fall for the same trap twice , here i was on holiday with another week to go and knowing i left everything behind in my home country for this girl. I couldnt get much worse for me . So after she dissapeared with all her belonging from our house I was left alone , I didnt have any friends that I could turn too as I was reletavly new in the country, and was left to pay a large rent on my own .

You are probably thinking well thats your own fault , but im not posting this to get any pitty, as my live took a turn for the better and I'm very happy still living in the UK after 5 years. But.... and here it comes , after 4 years and not have seeing her in that time and after all the grief she has caused me . I still think of her , and you know what I still love her as well and wished from time to time we where back together again, that feeling will never go away. I personally think you just need to embrase it and take all the happy memories as gift ,like the memories of your childhood and move on , there is no quick fix or cure . The only thing it needs is time for you to come to terms with things , and move on from there. No weapon and this planet is more powerfull than love, it can bring you a lot of happiness , but if your not "carefull"it can also destroy you . Deal with it wisely .

Best of luck to all of you, things do get better.

[Sagan]

Wow, I really wish I had found this place ealier. Let me start off by saying, thank you, man, knowing this happens to others actually helped me out a lot. Ill tell ya my situation, heh.
Im currently a mere 18 years of age, but man, I fell in love, and I fell hard.
I moved out to my current town before freshman year of high school. Shy, confused, and overall already depressed man from may years of torment in middle school. I met this girl in my spanish class freshman year, and wow, she was beautiful. Her name was Katherine. We were the BEST of friends for about a year and a half. We talked EVERY day, for hours at a time. She had a beautiful body, blonde, curves were perfect, and she was innocent. She was a good little chuch girl, with a bit of a crazy side though, perfect. I fell in love with her about 6 months or so of being friends. Again, me being shy, I had no idea what to do. She brought my current self out in me, I'm actually social now, because of her. I told her a few times I loved her, with no return. She would say that she wasnt comfortable with relationships. I finally got her though, and we had the greatest relationship, i was in heaven. We went out for just under 2 years, which is huge for a high school relationship, and pretty good considering, she was my first girlfriend. I went from 0-120 with her. She was my first "holding hands" to my first time having sex. We started that about 9 months into dating, we wanted to be slow. Man, she was passionate. Then, things started to die off after about a year and a half. She started hanging out with another guy more and more on a "friend" basis. I started working more, going to about 30 hours a week, with school. I would always suspect her of liking him, and for going with him. Things kept going downhill.
We broke up in November of '04, and within a few weeks, she was with that guy. She had also picked up smoking pot. That pretty much killed me. I was not sleeping, not eating, then the opposite, sleeping all the time and eating junk food. I tried to get back with her, repeatedly, and to no end. We tried to be civil but that didnt end up working. We went out to lunch one day, to try and be friends. I ended up yelling at her in the middle of noodles and company, and threw my chair, caling her a pot smoking slut. etc etc.
She had lied to me, she had told me she had never tried it, and that she hadnt been with any other guy than me since the break up.
I HATE being lied to... we then stopped talking until about a week ago. We were great, everything had been worked out again, i felt alive again, and actually smiling, until, again she lied. She went to star wars with a group of friends and i, but she lied to me, and went high. I also found out that she is now looking for random people to have sex with and feel no emotional attachment. Which, in itself, sickens me.
I called her while at work, telling her if she wanted to grow up and talk to me like an adult, for her to do it. I havent recieved a phone call.
Ive gone back to exiling her out of my life, phone numbers deleted, screennames deleted.
Problem is, my memory. I know her phone numbers, her screennames, her bank account numbers, her pin numbers, her license plate numbers, everything. I cant get her out of my head for the life of me.
I HATE HER SO MUCH, but I still have this hope that somewhere, inside this lady of a body that she has now, is the good little church girl i fell in love with so long ago. I dont think i can do anything about it. shes stuck in my head. Ive been close to other girls, and ive gotten numbers, but i cant do anything. I mean, im no Brad Pitt, but im not bad my any means, and I can get a girl no problem. Unfortunetly, I have no desire to pursue. I need that drive back. Is there anything I can even do about that?
Ive been tossing around the ideas of going to a physcologist. But im not sure yet. Ive been driving myself nuts, EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE i can segway into talking about my ex, ive made my little hell a part of my close friends lives, and i hate that. Its lost all meaning. Everything i talk about has something to do with her.
I'm sorry, im probobly just rambling, but it did feel good to get this out, and if theres any more ideas you guys have, id be glad to hear it, they've been really good so far.

All in all, I've been broken up for 8 months, and im still living in hell.

[flyingdutchman]

My friend do not despair , things will get better over time . After reading your note , I have to admit that I smiled a bit ( not in a mean way ) . You brought back up some off the feelings that i had at the time ! and boy I feel for you , it's really crap and I know exactly how you feel inside ....hurt and pain. It seems that this a common pattern that goes around with people , who had relative long 1st time relationships at a young age . You will go through a lot emotions , anger , hatred and feeling empty. Anyway let me tell you what I did to get through those long days of pain. I got myself into fitness, and believe you me I wasnt a fitness person at all. I forced myself to go for runs every other day, it wasnt easy , but after a month or so I got into the routine. I would come back from work put my running gear on , and put some upbeat music on my head. Do this by yourself by the way , no friends or running partners. I would run for about an hour , thinking about my ex, working things out in my head .. just letting my thoughts go while your running. It really helped me a lot , as I would come home tired , but also satisfied of my achievement, which for some reason made me stop feeling bad . I would aslo really involve myself with work, to keep my mind of things. Another tip is , that from what i have heard from you is to completly shut her out of your life, and try to avoid seeing or speaking to her ..... ever. At the end of the day she was at fault , and played with your feelings using love ....! People always say when you speak to them , that she will get what she deserves for playing around like this, but the truth is you dont know. I know that at the moment you wish that she would suffer, and that she would realise what she had left behind , that unfortunatly wont be the case most of the times. Like I said keep the good memories of her , allow yourself lots of time ,dont put yourself under pressure meeting other girls allow yourself to have time on your own , time for yourself , let your emotions run wild when your running . It will pass eventually . Hope this helps you out my friend , keep your chin up and march on ! best of luck .

[Sagan]

So... yeah, she really F***ed me over again. Im really F***ing sick of this S***.
I really appreciate what you wrote ealier. And, you're right, i need to cut off all contact, but the issue is that i still have mutual friends with her. Unfortunetly, ive regressed and have become uncontrolably angry again. When she had wanted to get back together as just friends, she lied to me. She is definetly still going out with this guy, and im sure they're F****** now, even though she told me that they were just fooling around/making out.
I swear they're just going it to kill me, it still rips me apart inside, although im finding that all her new little fiernds are falling out from underneath her. She's pissing them off as well. Anyways, there is only 1 day of school left, then senior breakfast, then graduation where i have to see her again. Any ideas what i can do to make her life a living hell, the same kind of hell that she has put me though, im usually not this kind of person, but she has broken the last straw, im sick of it, her bullshit, her lying, her whoring herself out.
The other thing is that she has completely ruined my name all her other friends, she has said that im the one who is getting them in trouble for the drug use, and lies to her friends to make me look like the bad guy. God dammit im F****** sick of it.
Anyways, is there anything that i can do? I need to do something, she's getting off Scott free and is making me go through hell.


MUST GIVE HER HELL!!!!

[Thunder]

obviously i wish know one felt like this, but its a relief that other people have been in similar situations. I was going out with my ex for about 8 months, until we had some problems and he found a new gf and me a bf, his new girlfriend was/is absoultly hooked on him and says no matter what he does she will always love him and take him back. In the first month of us being in new relationships we still missed each other and had casual (but meaningful) sex, his girlfriend new he didnt want her he wanted me, but (and im guilty to say) my boyfriend didnt have a clue. After a month we somehow managed to get into the situation where we were both (my ex and me) telling the other that we'd split up with our new partners. My ex lied to me consistantly about still being with her and also to her about being with me until it got to the point where me and the girl confronted him together. He acted stupidly like he didnt give a s*** about either of us, so I was incredibly hurt and kneed him in the face (im not normally a violent person) and me and the girl took his phone and ran. To cut a long story short the police got involved and his girlfriend went crawling back later that evening, where for the next week i recieved bitchy txts from her claiming her victory! since then the only contact ive had with him is one txt a month later. Ive tried so hard not to contact him because i know hes not worth it but i have thought about him EVERY day since then which has been nearly 5 months, its driving me crazy because i still miss him and because im still with my new boyfreind who i dont love but care about alot and dont want to hurt. Any ideas why i just cant forget him or how to??????

[Anton Dolinsky]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months... 2 and a half months ago. I just didn't like being with her for some reason, but I could never pin point why, but everyday it just got worse, and i felt like a phony for staying in the relationship with her, given how i felt.

She tried to get me to stay. She really really liked me. I told her to go find somebody else.

Ugh.

She did.

The pain! Jesus, so horrible. I didn't expect to suffer. I certainly didn't expect to suffer such excruciating pain. I was coiled up on the floor writhing in real bodily pain every time I thought about her having sex with her new lover.

Now the pain has subsided, but the worst thing right now is looking at girls and thinking, and feeling, "wow I've been in two relationships, they're really not worth it. so much pain for so little pleasure..."

i'm actually scared of getting into a relationship right now. i imagine that it would crush me again.

i mean there's a lot of talk out there about "don't give up on love", but everyone means something different when they say love, and my two intimate, sexual relationships hurt me more than all the other hurts of my life put together, seriously.

like, here's the pain from my two relationships:

********************************************************

and here are all the other pains of my life put together:

********************************

and was the pleasure worth it? for the first one, maybe. for the second one, a weaker maybe.

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

i mean honestly, i still can't take it. it feels like i'm bound to her by an invisible umbilical cord that shoots pain into me on a regular basis, though we rarely talk.

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

it sucks.

anyway, glad to know that i'm not the only one out there who did the breaking up, and still hurt like a mother...

[lifetrip]

they say that love is the irresistable desire to be irresistably desired. this quote is so true. just recently my girl freind broke up with me. had it been three more weeks, we would have been together for a year. we had a fairy tale relationship. met in a small town in colorado, at a street dance. we were both on vacation, me from michigan, her from texas. then she asked me to dance. it was perfect, we danced, watched the fireworks together and fell in love that night in the mountains. we kept our relationship strong, even with the distance of michigan to texas. we'd see each other once in awhile, but mostly it was a phone relationship. we even had phone dates where we would watch movies over the phone and talk all night. it was one of those discustingly sappy relationships that make life all worth it. And then the distance got to much, the feels were all still the same, we were deeply in love, but the distance. how do you get over a relationship that you had with the one woman who's perfect for you, who loves you more than any thing and you love her, and the only reason you break up is cuz your tired of making it work. becuase you gave up on the distance. some people never get the women of there dreams, so how do you let one go once you've found them. we were best freinds, now that's really all i ask for. i don't fight to get back to gether, i fight to remain close and freinds. now she is pushing me away, she is scaried, and doesn't want us hurt again. so she doesn't open up any more and we aren't allowed to talk as much. she still loves me but she won't let her self. it's all such a cruel sitiuation. she said i was everything for her but it was just the damn distance. what can ya do?

[Anton Dolinsky]

man oh man, read this book:

Feeling Good

by David Burns

you can go to Amazon to see what it's about, or google "cognitive therapy".

this stuff works.

good luck.