I can't get over my ex-girlfriend

[argonath]

...

Advice is at the bottom. First, here's my story:

It really is amazing how similar everyone's experience here is.

My gf of 5 years and I broke up over xmas of 03. It had been a while coming -- the love had faded, I was taking her for granted, I wanted to be with other people, she was tired of not being appreciated, etc.

As time passed, I found that dating people was... less fulfilling than I'd imagined. Sex with other people felt empty. Suddenly all the love and connection with the ex really began to mean something.

Recently, I began calling her and trying to make our friendship into more. She was a bit distant and seemed uninterested. When she finally agreed to come see me, she told me she'd been dating someone for about four or six weeks... and she loves him, very much. He makes her feel wonderful. I know her -- within a month, she'll be in love with him, and I'd say there's a good chance they could end up getting married within a few years.

The pain is like a pit in my stomach. When I think about her beauty, her honesty, her loyalty, her love... and realize it's all gone now, that someone else is the recipient... it's like deep, dark hollow, unfillable. Every other woman pales in comparison, and I know now that my chance with her -- maybe my only chance in this life -- is gone.

BUT....

We also have to be real about how life works. We do what we do because that's what we have to do. Some of us have this tendency to idealize things once they're gone -- to crave them and miss them and break into tears at the thought of how badly we screwed up something so wonderful.

But it's self-destructive. It only looks amazing in hindsight. Yes, my ex is a wonderful, beautiful gift of god. And yet, I know I am too. We ALL are beautiful, wonderful, loyal creatures of god, so to speak.

Love yourself as much as you believe you love this woman, and you'll find all that happiness is still there within. Get strong enough in that, and other people will start being drawn to it too. There are *many* angels out there. This world is heaven!

And for now -- sounds massochistic, but *be* with the pain. Feeling pain like this is a rare opportunity.

We feel deep grief only when we lose someone very special... a gf, a parent, a sibling, a child. It hurts so bad it almost can't be put into words. But that pain is such a great teacher. It feeds and nourishes us in a very deep way.

When those thoughts arise -- when you imagine her making sweet, passionate love to another man -- just rest in the pain. Know it is real. Know it will pass. And know that it takes feeling that deep, searing pain now... to be able to feel the deep, searing joy of falling in love again.

And if all else fails -- just go into the experience. All emotions are ultimately a spontaneous manifestation of the essence of the universe -- so find the inner beauty of what you're experiencing, and realize we are lucky to be able to experience that at all.

In short -- losing my true love truly sucks, and as such, it's truly wonderful.

Good luck everyone.

[sad1lately]

So....Around April of 2004 I took a ride with my gf to the store like we used to do alot. She worked late every night at a restaurant and I waited up. I knew something was up this night cause she was sad the moment I saw her. I ask what's wrong and she saying that nothing is wrong etc etc. But I dig deeper like I always do and the flood gates were opened on both side. She broke up with me that night, then we got back together the next day. I knew we had a couple weeks and then that was it and that was it 2 weeks later. I didnt have the cash to go away on a trip over the summer and like that I was out. She did admit to liking someone else, having a crush on someone she said who was a friend I found out more about here not telling me she hangs out with certain people etc etc. not that I was Mr perfect, I had a slight obsession with video games at that point, well it was a bad obsession for a while. That obsession stopped the moment we broke up and the moment I stopped taking her calls.

2 months go by and she contacts me over instant messenger. We meet and go out to a local bar and have a lot of fun. No sex just kissed and talked for a long time and hung out. She went on her trip, somewhat reluctantly it seemed and had an ok time. I knew the other people going and they said she was prett bored and sad the whole trip. Since then which was around August we have been hanging out a couple times a week talking, having fun and being more friends than anything else. She bought me a plant a couple weeks ago for no apparent reason. I feel like she wants me back but Im very hesitant. We were bonded from a unexpected event after the first couple of weeks together.....and Im not sure if that bond will ever be broken. I want to righ tthat wrong and I think she feels the same way that it will have to happen someday. This girl was always the love of my life and I cant forget her. I cry almost every night over this girl even though Ive had a few others since her. It might be the hanging out all the time I dont know. She wrote me a few e-mails asking me to never leave that we are meant for each other etc etc. I dont know how to take it, im so afraid to tell her how much I love here and how much I want to forget the past and focus on the future. Im ready to either work on this if we can or I have to move on. Im so damn confused I dont know what to do.. There is so much more to this confusing story but I had to just make a crack at getting some advice.

[sad1lately]

we went out for 2 years before april 2004

[sideshow]

Lemme tell my story. My girlfriend and I "dated" for two years. I quote the "dated" because we actually met on the internet. I wasn't planning on a long distance thing, and I'm not some loser that had a lot of difficulty getting girls in real life. Well, after a few months, I unexpectedly fell for her. She lived in Wisconsin, I live in Connecticut. She was a few years younger than me, At the time, I was 19, she was 16. We first met physically six months into our relationship when I went to Milwaukee for a week. In late 2003, she broke my heart when she said she was ending our relationship but 3 months later, we got back together. I was prepared for the worst when I took her back but after a month, everything was fine. We spoke for about an hour every nite on the phone.
In April 2004, I went to see her again. I was 21 at this point, and we had been "together" for nearing on two years. It was during that stay that we lost our virginities to each other other. The entire week was amazing, much better than my first visit, her family wasn't breathing down our necks the entire time. We had alot of alone time and really lost ourselves in each other.
In August 04, she came to Connecticut to be with me. She rented a hotel room for a week, and once again, it was amazing. I never felt for anyone what I had felt for her. It was so hard letting her go.
In October 04, I made the biggest mistake of my life, and that was ending our relationship. At the time I felt my reasoning was good. It felt like she stopped trusting me. When I look back, I know she was goofing most of the time when she accused me of cheating, or she was just insecure and needed reassurance. Dumbass me.
Well, I started getting feelings for her again last month. But I needed more time to pray and think things over. Well, she started seeing this guy Greg at this point. Eventually, he moved in with her and his dad. What kills me is I know she has sex with him, which is fine, but it kills me because it took me 2 years to get that far with her, and it took him a couple months. Well, last week on Sunday, she told me he proposed to her. She stated that Greg is intimidated by me because he thinks that she would go back to me if I wanted a relationship again. I asked her if that was true and she said "yes," which led to me telling her that I still love her. The following night(Wednesday the 9th), she told me she needs about a month to think things through. I told her during this month I plan on proving to her how much I love her. I have series of surprise gifts ready to give her, all are very personal.
I know this is long, but anyone that can give me any useful advice, it would be much appreciated. I love her more than anything in the word. I truly believe that we were meant to be for each other. I would gp to any length, and do anything if it meant being with her again.

[A Man]

I was with my ex gf from December '99 to July last year. She was absolutely everything to me and I loved her more than life itself.
We had an unplanned child in 2001, and that changed everything. We had to find somewhere to live quickly and all of a sudden romantic nights out became stale nights in. The responsibility of being a parent and attempting to refurbish a newly purchased house took it's toll on my ability to 'be a good lover' and I beame very stressed and a shadow of the man that she fell in love with. Anyway, she started seeing a guy from her work behind my back last year (they're both living together now) and we split up as soon as I found out what was going on. I know that I should have paid more attention to her during the latter stages of our relationship. The song 'You were always on my mind' by Elvis has never sounded so apt!

As much as I hate her for cheating on me, and as much as everybody is telling me that ANYBODY is too good for a cheating partner, I am still in love with her. I miss her terribly. Thinking about all of the good times that we had together and the fact that she is now doing those things with another man hurts so much. She knows absolutely everything about my mind, my soul, my personality - my entire identity revolved around her. She was my best friend.

I want to move on, I really do - but no woman on Earth even comes close to her. I also have to speak to her on the phone every night when I ring up to say goodnight to my daughter,and when I pick my daughter up and drop her off at weekends.

It's strange to hate somebody for wronging you, yet still be in love with them at the same time.

[Dheart]

Hey its me again, the guy that was almost over his gf of two years who left him for another guy blah blah blah......
Well the plot thickens and I get hurt in the process AGAIN! I know the name of my ex's new bf, and I had mentioned this to one of my mates and he told me "oh he stays a few doors up from me" and I said "No it must be a guy with the same name cus this one stays somewhere else"
My workmate told me she saw them on her bus one morning and I was confused becasue as far as I was led to believe they wudn't be needing to get on this bus. Well yesterday my sister told me she saw my ex going into one of her (and my mates') neighbours house. Which means my ex's new lad stays about ten mins away from me.....
Whats worse is he gets on my bus every night and proceeds to tell his friends about his amazing gf. Also as I said before I work with this ex of mine.....I just can't escape either of them as much as I want too. HELP!

[Silkster]

I have the same relationship as argonath did with that 5 yr wifey material. I love/Hate her to pieces, the "her making sweet love with another man" kills me inside. Its been 4 months since the breakup and im still feeling that horrible stabbin pains. But my problem is, I keep going to base 1 everytime I see her, I CANNOT ignore her because we have a 2 1/2 yr old son together. What must I do ??? I cannot break all contact like alot of ppl would tell me to. She's 20 and I'm 19. Her new "Guy" friend is 25, which really intimidates me. She was my 1st of everything since I was 14. If I can break all contact somehow by any of your suggestions that this would make everything 10x faster on getting over her

[Dheart]

It seems no matter what our problem is and what situation we are in we all have the same thing in common, we miss our exe's like crazy, we Love/Hate them and we hate the thot of them doing what we did with them to another guy.
Kinda makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one in the boat

[Silkster]

Is anyone here feeling any better? Seems we all pull the dumb mistakes with our ex's (my case was clocking what she's doing while everyone's keep telling me that my actions aren't gonna do any difference because I cannot control how she feels or what she wants to do)... I guess it feels like I receive a smack and I didn't hit back.. but u know what? I guess its normal to be curious for your 1st SERIOUS love of ur life.

As im writing this, I just want to say EVERYTHING was going better until I dreamt about me and my ex making love and everything felt like if nothing happened. Only leaving me miserable when I woke up. and trust me guys, I tried everything and anything to keep me occupied.

I'm currently an intern working for Management Information Systems and yes I begged for extra hours, but I want to maintain a solid connection with my son as well, but everytime I take my son, I get all crazy cuz my imagination runs wild to wonder what my ex is doing.

I did lose her when I gave her too much freedom while I watched my son continuously for 1 1/2 months.. within that time frame, she starting seeing the guy she talks to now. went the whole 9 yards with him... I sooo wanna swing a bat at his face!

I need someone to seriously talk to me, guide me or something, I feel like I tried everything and I can't hold myself. As far as confidence? its been blown out the water, when I was with my ex, ALOT chances with other girls, now that im single, NONE, wtf?? I still look the same as well (process of losing a lil more face weight)

[oex2500]

Listen up!!

Breaking up and moving is sooooooo f'n hard. Im really smarting from this one girl I broke up with in November 2002. I was dating her for 2 2/2 years but I was working during the day and goign to law school at night. I was so ground down and broke up with her out of frustration with not being able to pass the bar - Im such a moron. I tried getting back with her a year and a half ago and she started seeing this guy. Last I talked to her was a year ago and they were still going on. It drives me crazy to know whether they broke up, are engaged, are in a bad relationship, etc. My wall wants to break down and call her almost everyday and I dont out of pride. I tried going with other girls, vacations, EVERYTHING and I cant do squat to get her out of my head. Its a living hell!!!! Im with all of you that think they made the biggest mistake in their lives by letting someone go that they loved.

[sat_fever]

Dry your eys, mate....sooner you can move on, the better. We've all been there, and it sucks. You will find love again.

[twosquats]

here's what I've learnt after losing the love of my life:

- If you could have, you would have done everything differently and showed her you are the one.
- She IS, most likely, the best one you will ever meet and all other women just don't cut it.
- You are probably better than the one she's with right now.
- You can't get her back since any attempt will invariably drive her further away.
- You're stuck. Life sucks. Since you have no option, you have to move on and settle for the second best. You have no choice AND that what's going to bring happiness again in the end ("in the end" varies, could take up to forever, but you will get there....in the end ) - So what can you do in the meantime? not a lot, just search google, waste some more time until you find the motivation to get up and do something about your life, take the responsibility. Realize you lost the love of your life, BUT, life is much bigger than love or else, you wouldn't be here reading this. Get a tattoo (NOT anything too freaky!), it helps.

[chris6666]

I am in my third week of not talking to her. Yes it has been hard and all the so called experts say to think of all the bad things she did and you can get over her. But i started thinking of all the good times we had together and i just wish her all the happiness in the world. I am still not going to talk to her if she calls. But i hope she has met someone that can provide her the happiness that i cant. I have so many good memories of are time together. The 2 1/2 years were the best of my life but it wasnt met to be. You see i was angry and upset at first and i still want to see what she is doing but what is it worth.

[nokiafan]

I was with my ex for 4 years. First love for both of us.

We made plans. Before I we went steady she "warned" me that she has applied for Canadian Permanent Residence, and if I wanted out back then I should decide there and then. I've always wanted to go out there and see what the deal is, so I said, without a hitch, "I'll go with you."

From march2001 to nov2004, we've supported each other through thick and thin. The couple that doesn't fight is not healthy, right? We had our share.

I gave both of us a ring for Valentine's 2004 and i said, "Symbol of our love." I planned to pop the Q this year Feb, but Feb has come and gone :'(

Without realizing it, I made 2 RIGHT decisions - one after another.
To persuade and give her the courage to join IBM as a lowly-paid contractor (by outside-of-IBM standards), since it's the #1 IT firm in the world.
To persuade her to take up the 2nd outstation project in IBM at Brunei that allows her to return only fortnightly.

Us was destroyed in the 3rd month of that project :'(:'(:'(

Suddenly, beautiful moments and dreams morphed in phantoms, haunting and taunting you at every dark corner. I am not a coward. I faced them, fought valiantly for weeks, LOST, then turned to run as fast as I could.

I resigned from where I worked as a senior operations engineer with tonnes of prospect (because she and I used to stay in the office when I had to work weekends, and break our Saturdays-are-ours rule).
Luck? Compensation? I got employed with a Fortune 500 firm in time before resignation.
Now I am in Ireland for an urgent project, where I am NOT fighting the technical problems alone, but my heart and the memories :'( Family and friends all pray that Irish food and air will cure my soul...

The days leading to Irish flight I drank a hell lot (and I used to despise alcohol) - 1 shot for each can for maximum exposure, visited the gym twice a day (early morning and evening to beat the traffic) and destroyed my room. Cut myself in the process and had to visit the doc at 0300 to stem the bleeding - drunk.

The 2nd week of full time working out saw me hurting myself in the shoulder, then the left biceps then both the deltoids, but I went on, for endorphine is the only thing in the world that can keep me sane :'( I am now among the biggest toned guy in the gym, but to what end? Heart shattered...

[nokiafan]

While like you guys I do wish her all the happiness she can find, do these little girls really think they've found a guy 100x better than us? Look at the way we break down for the lost Us, the macho man that we are.

I, despite my soul shattered and my focus spread everywhere, want her to feel the same amount of pain I went through (and still am), no more, no less, so she can grow up and realize the meaning of the word - CHERISH, as sung by Kool and the Gang.

The stupidity of it all, I say. How can you be so silly, girl?

Kittie