by stillinlovewithher on Sat Apr 23, 2005 9:24 pm
Hello everyone, I am completely devastated over breaking up with my girlfriend. We went out for three months, I told her I loved her, but she rarely if ever told me and when she did it was only out of formality. Anyways, three or four days ago, one of her friends (a little distant, but they had know each other for 10 years) passed away in a car accident. I was caring, comforting, consoling. I sent her a letter because I knew she loved recieving letters, telling her I felt her pain, etc. I called her on Friday night to ask her how she was doing, and she picked up the phone and I heard her and her friends giggling over the letter (apparently she didnt know I wrote it, and as she explained to me later she wasnt laughting at me and she deeply appreciated it). I was enraged, I thought to myself, she is supposed to be grieving! And here they are giggling over a personal, heart-wrenching letter I wrote to her. (Now I didnt sign it or put a return address on it, but I assumed she would know it was me). Now, I have been plagued by death my whole life. My mother is dead, my brother is dead, my friend is dead. I feel almost insensitive to it. It doesnt phase me. I realize now what she is going through, terrible pain and anguish. But that night on the phone, I just lost it, after hearing her giggling. Without even realizing it, I raised my voice and started not so much yelling but lecturing her. We fought bitterly. Tears flowed on both sides. After a while, she told me firmly, and though tears, that it was over. She repeated this a couple times when I begged her to stop. I had no idea what I was doing. I begged her to reconsider and she said she didnt want to give me false hope and that it would never be the same. I implored her at the end to say that our relationship was not "never-again"...that a glimmer of hope still shined, and she did. That night I went out with my friends, I laughed, I tried to forget about her. But I dreamt about her all night as soon as I fell asleep (for the first time ever, I dreamt about her). I called her as soon as I woke up and told her. I begged for forgiveness, she forgave me for everything I had said the night before (mind you, this was our first real fight), and said she knew I still cared deeply for her and that she cared deeply for me. I reminisced of all the good times we had together and we both cried. I asked her if she wanted to see me today, and she said she would call me later, but still said that she "couldnt deal with me right now". She repeated this several times. I told her to please not let me intrude with her grieving, that if she wants she doest have to talk to me or see me, because she is going through a terrible time. She said she would call me later (Today). To everyone reading this board, please help me out. I realize she is grieving for her friend, and I am too. I think it would be best for me to just give her time until next week when the funeral and everything is over. But I cant think about anything else. I pace around my room, play internet cards, I cant foucs on doing anything constructive. I cant take my mind off her. I cared for her so much, and one, dumb, stupid, regrettable mistake may have lost me her forever. Our relationship wasnt a only-about-sexual-pleasure type ordeal. It was so much deeper. We had a BOND. But....she did specify to me on the phone yesterday that she doesnt love me, which is okay, weve only dated three months. I guess I just fell in love quicker because I get very, very attached. Please, everyone help me. I want her back so bad, Im willing to change everything that was the cause of our problems. I didnt realize how much she meant to me until I almost lost her. Please, anyone who reads this, help me out. Any suggestions or comments are greatly appreciated. Anyone who has been through something like this, help would be great as well. I just want to get back the best thing that ever happened to me. Please help. Thanks so much in advance, everyone.
