I can't get over my ex-girlfriend

[theb]

Stillinlovewithher,

The amount of trauma going on in both of your lives right now is be beyond words. All i can give advice on is your girlfriend situation:

She has admitted that she doesn't love you but you're really attatched to her. If she is telling you the truth then you have to accept that it's up to her to WANT to come back to you. This is a painful truth but there is nothing you can do to make somebody love you.

If you can talk to her without letting your true feelings out (i know it will hard/near impossible) and try to stay calm (again difficult to do as there is a fine line between love and hate) and just be a friend to her then maybe you will be able to establish a closeness again. As it stands it appears that there are some many emotional issues about that blurring anything other than a friendship would be unwise at the moment.

It is so painful to see the person you love, your soulmate, not accept the love you want to give them. Given time if she doesn't want to reciprocate your love then you must leave her for your sake and sanity. The hardest thing you'll ever do but you must remember that she can't be THE ONE, however much you want her to be, if she doesn't feel the same. You sound like a decent guy and in my opinon she's the foolish one - but that's not your mistake it's hers. Your true love will make her self known, even if it takes time (i'm still waiting - but still believing!).

[stillinlovewithher]

thank you so much, at least one person heard me out. You have no idea how much I appreciate your post.

She still has not called me, it hurts me and I wish she would, but I know that she is still grieving and I am most likely not the first thing on her mind right now. I have college finals coming and am trying to clear my head and just get through them.

We work together, and, ironically enough, are scheduled for similar shifts on Saturday night. If she chooses not to call me in the next couple of days, that may be the first time I see her since the breakup, and it will be incredibly awkward. Ill try to console her first then hear what she has to say.

Im having a tough time accepting, but am realizing that maybe it wasnt meant to be. I still have occasional pangs of sadness, but try to forget them during the day. Im also getting a new job over the summer hopefully (coincidence, I was planning to do it anyway), so if we do break up for good at least I wont have to see her. On another happy note, I had a heart to heart chat with my father, with whom I have been cold for years. He loves me and I do as well, but we have never been able to communicate. We set out a plan for my future, including paying for college, etc.

Im not throwing this relationship away for good yet. We still have not talked since the breakup, and I have no idea what she is thinking, nor does she know how I feel. She may still be in deep grief and just not want to deal with me right now. I plan to have a straight discussion with her, tie up the loose ends, see what she wants. If we can patch it up and start afresh, I will be the most joyous man on earth. If she decides that its best we go our seperate ways...Ill take it as a three month learning period. Im already learning from my mistakes. I will cry if its permanent, and Im sure Ill spend many nights thinking about what she may be doing. At any rate, I'm not going to ponder over the future now, because we may still be together, who knows!

Theb, I thank you so much for your post and just hearing me out. I am a very sensitive person and I get attached very fast, so you understand how hard these last days have been on me. I dont know you and I'll never meet you but thanks so much

[Glitterati]

There -is- no way to get over someone other than biting the bullet, being miserable and letting it happen.
It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, but all the 'time is a healer', 'plenty more fish in the sea' cliches didn't come from no where. You need to do what you feel is right and what makes all this easier on you.
Feel better soon.
xXoO

[icecream]

As i read all the stories, i can honestly say that i'm glad i'm not the only one. Need advise/opinion.
I've been going out with this hardworking, caring, and successful girl for almost 5 yrs. We just broke up maybe one-half month now and have been trying to get over her. She said we need to be apart for at least one year and maybe..just maybe she'll consider going back w/ me. I do love her a lot. We were living together for about a year. We got into our comfort zone and i guess the fire ran out. We both seriously thought we were going to be together forever. I know i'm one of the strongest person mentally, as well as emotionally...but when it comes to this issue, i am torn apar inside. I hide it pretty well when i'm around others, but deep inside i'm a mess. I'm trying my very best to get over her, but she is on my mind all the time. I don't know what to do. My coping strategy right now is to just leave her alone and give her some time. I want to go back to her, cuz i'm the type of person that who believes in the so called term "love". I thought she is the one, but why does she want to go her own seperate ways now? From her own words "she said she deserves better!" I've treated very well, but we argued a lot also, but that's the case for everyone...or i'm I wrong.
I'm so confused.

[theb]

Icecream

I'm not entirely sure of your actual situation - what age are you both - did you get together at a young age?
And what are you both arguing about? - is it just general bickering or has either of you done something that has caused trust in the relationship to be broken?
I think the "maybe we could get back together in a year" line is a cruel gesture on her part (though maybe not intentially) - it keeps you dangling/hoping and a year in limbo of this sort is unreasonable.
Are you still in contact with her or is there to be radio silence for a few months?
She should have given you reasons other than "not deserving of her" why she needed to split up - what were they?
As it stands you must be feeling awful at the moment. The pain you are feeling must be unbearable if there are questions unanswered as to why she felt she needed to leave. I firmly believe that after a five year relationship you deserve to be told truthfully (however painfull it is) the reasons she left you. If she has any respect for you she owes you that and only from there you can take whatever steps you feel are right.

[Moving4ward]

hey there i have read your last few post briefly, once i get a chance i will properly read them. Just to let you understand a bit i was in the same situation. i was with my ex for 6 years, we were both madly in love and did every thing together, he wsnt just my boyfriend he was my best friend and my soul mate. I loved loving him, we were like two peas in a pod.

All within a month he wanted to get engaged to me, we went to buy a house, he showered me with gifts for my birthday and then we went to paris. We had a ball. He told me he was going to take me back next year! He picked me up early from my work to get our photos developed, he bought us munchies and what a laugh we had looking at these photos. He dropped me of at work and he took the photos to show his family and friends. Three days later he finished with me.

He just kept crying saying he didnt know why he was doing this to me, he was hurting coz i was hurting, he didnt want to be without me but didnt want to be with me and said he knew he would regret this one day. Two months later he got himself a new gorlfriend. I was devestated i honeslty felt i couldnt live without him, my world crumbled to pieces.I couldnt eat, i couldnt sleep i felt like i had lost my right arm. He was my world, i thought i was going to die with a broken heart. He was my life.

I still dont know why he finished with me. When i see him in the steet he walks past me. Its mad to think you are so close to some one one minute then the next there gone, leading a complete different life. I totured myself for a very long time, constanly going over in my head why he had left, i blamed myself. I went over every thing he had said and done, there was no sign of it coming. I thought of a thousand excuses why he had did it. I would often think of does he still think of me, has he forgot about me, was i bad girl friend, he must hate me, will he realise the grass isnt so greener on the other side!

But no matter what excuses i thought of, it never took away the hurt and never made him come back. You need to bite the bullet. Once you have it in your own head that its over then you can make little steps of getting over her. Its alot easier said than done. I through myself into work, i took up things that i would have never have done before, joining the gym taking my driving lessons. I now have a life of my own. I still think of him every day, i miss him, sometimes i miss him and think i want him back but its really just the memories and the old him i want back. I still ask why, but i now know that life does go on. That ache does go away!

Just take each day as it comes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel ( i know you dont want to here that, i thought i was going to hit the next person that said it. I couldnt think of a light never mind see it) i am living proof. There are more good days than bad.

Thinking of you, i do know how you feel.

Nicky x

[icecream]

Thx for your opinions....well we were both 19 yrs old and we are both 25 now. We argue about little things like like who washes dishes..about handling other people. She is very aggressive when she doesn't like agree with another person. Even though they she knows they are wrong..she is the type of person to have no mercy if you've got yourself into it. I kinda understand if you did something illegal, but if its just buying something totally useless cuz you wanted it at the time... she will not agree cuz its wrong. I'm probably one of the most relaxed person i know, and maybe that was why i was able to put up w/ her ways for so long. I'm not trying to just trash her cuz she is good decent person. We just disagreed on stuff. Anyway, yeah you're right..the one year maybe is throwing me off. It's making me think that we have a chance of getting back together...and i will probably end up gettin hurt if it doesn't workout, but deep inside i keep thinking we are meant to be together....'nothing is impossible" "where theirs a will theirs a way".. That's the way i think. So i guess too bad for me. i will do my best to move on, but right now i'm focused on my priorities(school & job). I don't want this to be the destroyer of my life. I'm taking it as a learning lesson. I think of caller her to talk, but what is that going to do. it's kinda dumb to ask her why don't you want me or going your seperate ways? From what i've noticed, why do girls break their promises more than guys? Correct me if i'm wrong girls! Well, i'm still in limbo...Anyone have advice on how to move on.

[theb]

Icecream

I know this sounds awful but from what you said it seems that your girlfriend is going through the "is this what i really want from my life?" phase - (some journalist hacks call it "the quarter life crisis"!). If she's successful career wise, intellegent etc, and you both hooked up young then i reckon that she believes that she deserves more from life (whatever that is) rather than putting up with petty squables/domestics. (She must remember though that it does take two to squabble and she is to blame aswell - so NO blaming yourself).
It's a kinda hard situation because if you're the laid back one who puts up with it, then it's generally that person who has the doubts about the relationship - but this doesn't seem to be the case here which puts you in a terrible position.
Wanting someone who makes it clear they don't want you, after you gave them your trust and future life for them, is the most painful feeling and my heart goes out to you right now.
You're doing the right thing in moving on - throw yourself into you're work (if you enjoy it) and take time out for yourself. I know you don't feel like doing anything but try and keep as busy as possible. When i broke up i had a job which involved a lot of driving - possibly the worst job-ever at that time - continually thinking/mulling over why we split up etc whilst alone on the road (soul destroying). I really recommend any excersising (gym, jogging anything) - keeps you busy, healthy and hopefully tires you out enough so can actually get a little sleep (rather than thinking about things).
I know what you mean in that you're hoping that things will work out because you know that you're both meant to be together. I had these thoughts (and to be honest still do) but you have to try and distance yourself from it. If you truely are meant to be, then it doesn't matter if you're both separately married with kids and it's thirty years down the road - it will happen - but that's something that will happen out of the blue (like when you first met). Don't hang onto that dream or you will never move forward - accept, then take the steps to restoring your own self worth.
Hitched up so young and being together for a lot of your young-adult life , it's going to take a long time to get happy with just being yourself again. Remember that you were independent once and you don't need to rely on anyone to make you happy but yourself (and that is NOT the words of a defeated person who reckons they will be lonely for the rest of their lives!).
I know you miss her but you WILL got over her in time - and you will be the better person for it - I promise.

[tyler42]

Having read all the above posts, it’s nice to know I am not alone in going through all this pain and heartbreak. I was going out with my partner for 13 years, the day after her 30th birthday we sat down had a bit of a heart to heart and decided to go our separate ways. On her part the realisation of reaching 30 and I suppose you could say me not making an honest woman out of her and not showing enough commitment pushed her over the edge. That was 3 years ago and every single day I still constantly think about her. Over that period of time we have stayed in contact with neither of us starting a new relationship, {she saw a guy for a month or so} In all that time I was hoping she might want to make another go of it again as she obviously had not found Mr right, But this was wishful thinking on my part, as was said in another post
When say they want to be just friends then its time to move on.

As I said earlier we have over the last couple of years been out together, cinema, restaurants and a like, but it is not worth it in the long run, you end up having a fantastic evening with them, but come the next day it hit’s you like a ton of bricks, because you know in your own heart you wont be seeing her again until she gets the urge to go out again. We always use to talk or email each other once a week but that stopped suddenly in January, since then all I got was the occasional email, obviously the reason was, she had meet a new guy, But because she would not tell me ether way it was driving me insane.

A few weeks ago she phoned out of the blue, it was a nice chat but I did not have the courage to ask if she had a new boyfriend because I did not want to hear what my heart already knew. She finished by saying I never phone her and that it is always her who makes contact, I said to her the reason I did not phone her was if I did she might have someone there and it would be awkward for her and would be heartbreaking for me, she replied, don’t be silly I’m not seeing know one, so I said ok I will phone you and left it at that. About a week later I phoned up in the evening, straight away I knew someone was there; basically she did not want to talk, it was obviously making her embarrassed, I did not want this so I made the excuse my mobile was ringing and I had to go. The next morning I got a text from her saying she was sorry but she was tired and had a headache, I did not bother to reply. Then a few days before the bank holiday she rang and asked me if I would like to go with her to her sisters for the weekend, I said wouldn’t it be better if you were to take your new boyfriend, she said don’t say that, I said why? She said she didn’t want to tell me because it would hurt me. It would have hurt a lot less if she could have been truthful from the start. I wished her good luck with her new guy and that was that she did say before she put the phone down, that she still loves me, and, cannot not see me not being part of her life. The hurt I felt when she put the phone down was as much as the first day of our split. Its been over a week now, she has rang and text me but I have not replied. Her last text was {are you blanking me} it hurts like hell but I am going to try this time just to ignore all the calls and emails. Part of me now at least realises its time to move on and the more I don’t hear from her will only I hope make the healing process be quicker

[ejmc76]

I was reading through these messages in the hopes of finding some way of coping with things. My girlfriend whom I'd been living with for nearly 2 years (together for 3) just moved out on me. She didn't really give me any notice, and I didn't have any say as to what happened. She just decided one day that she would like to move home, and that this wasn't for her. It really sucks. I tried everything. I told her if she moved it was over. I told her that I would always love her, and that if she wanted to move I would be here for her. I told her everything, but it doesn't really matter I guess, because she's made up her mind. But she wouldn't say that it was over. She would say that she didn't know what she wanted, and that it wasn't fair to me to put me through waiting for her. I see that as a cop-out though, and that she just didn't have the guts to break up with me for good. I don't know what to do. I thought we were going to get married. Damn. I don't really have any advise for anyone in my shoes, but I thought it might make me feel better to write out my pain.

[niceguy69]

I am 24 and my girlfriend is 25. We have been going out for 20months now. We have broken up twice before but always got back together within a few days....

Then all of a sudden last friday, she says we're not going out. I kind of thought she was joking, but later that night she didnt reply to any calls. I went to her house and she was gone. Then I went back to my house and checked her email because I have her password and theres an email to her girlfriend that she found her dream guy when she was at the bars a week ago.

Immidiately my heart stopped and I felt freezing cold. It was like mike tyson punched in my stomach. My mouth became really dry, because when your body is under alot of stress your salivay glands stop.

I called and called and kept driving around her house, yeah I went hardcore psyhco. Then at 3am she comes home and she says wtf are you doing we arent going out. She was like "Im going to a party now do not follow me" and I said wait, but she said nothing and left at 3am.

Since then Ive done the wrong things, by text messaging her and emailing for the past week. I know I should have ignored her, but it was too hard. I can only sleep a few hours a day and I eat close to nothing. Ive been working out and running trying to get her out of my head but its so hard.

My parents loved her and her parents sort of loved me, I thought we were perfect. Ive been lazy in the past few months, Im in grad school but I dont work on my thesis much and I dont work out much. She kept saying she was turned off bc I was lazy, but I thought she was joking and wouldnt do anything about it. Then all of a sudden she blind-sides me with breaking up, ending all communication, and I learn of her new dream guy in one day.

Needless to say, I would have rather gotten hit by a car then deal with this pain. This is my first longterm girlfriend so Im not use to this pain. She answered her phone a few times but now says dont call me again, only email her if I really need to.

Ive been acting extremely desperate and I just say how Ill change and that I love her and I sent her roses, but I guess that makes me look even worse and more pathetic than I was. Ive tried to meet new girls at bars, but my ex is the only one I can think of ever having sex with again. Even when I try to beatoff infront of my computer she pops into my mind and I cant get rid of her. Im gonna try to not contact her for two entire days now but its gonna feel like walking through the desert with no provisions for 2 days.

If I happen to see her with the new guy at bars with her Im going to beat the living sh** out of him, I dont care how big he is or how many guys have his back. She said she hasnt hooked up with him yet and that she wont have sex with anyone for a month(really assuring to me wtf) and that if we ever go out again it would be months away.

In conclusion, when your gf breaks up with you, IT SUCKS. 20months of my life I banged the same girl, and it was all in vain. I could have met so many other girls and been motivated to hang out with other friends and have fun with life.

Vergil was correct back in 79AD when he said storms are made by Juno's anger and emotions. Women are extremely emotional and unpridictable just like the weather. In a blink of any you can get struck by lighnting and it cause permanent damage.

[Amandakae]

It's so great to know that other people feel the same way. Except my situation is reversed. I'm a 19 year old girl and my bf of 3 years broke up with me. Im so glad i read these posts because now i know that a lot of guys REALLY DO care!

My boyfriend and I were in love for 3 years. Completely in love! Even before we got together I knew that I was in love with him. The problem is/was that he never had a girlfriend before me and I guess we were young when we got together. Out of the blue a couple days ago, he said he didnt know what he wanted anymore, but he didnt want to be with me right now. I am so confused because even that very day we were planning a camping trip and he was so happy and looking forward to everything we planned together! When he was breaking up with me he was crying and saying that he loved me and "If we were meant to be, we'll be". I kinda wish that he was more of a jerk about it, then it would be easier to forget him.

I was also reading oh here about when right after the person who broke up with you acts like a COMPLETELY different person and doesnt even seem to care or listen to what you say. I dont understand that at all! My ex bf is the exact same way and its killing me. How can one minute he say that he loves me and wants to be with my always, then the next tell me he is breaking up with me.

I think the worst thing is that he's saying he still loves me, and wants to be friends. That's like the biggest kick in the face. I obviously want to be more than friends. Also, I keep hoping that we'll get back together and after he goes out with a few girls he'll realize the grass isnt greener on the other side. I honestly do think that'll be what happens, but I think I'm making it so much harder for myself to be happy. I also hate when people say "You're young, you should experience new things and people." I believe he's my soulmate, and I want to have all of my experiences with him at my side.

I really don't know what to do now. Just sit and wait and try to be happy? It's hard because I feel like I'm fooling myself when I say "there's other people out there for me, it'll be fun being on my own for a bit." I want him back so bad, but like many others, Iwant the "old" him back. The way he talks to me now is so different and it hurts me more. Almost like this is the real way he felt about me, and was just "pretending" to love me.

I think I've made a good start..I put all of his stuff away, blocked and deleted him from msn and made a pact to myself that I will try not to even contact him at all. He was my very best friend though. So I lost both a boyfriend and my best friend.

I dont know HOW to THINK though. I know what I should do. And i Want to be soo mad at him, but I also care about him and love him. And want to be friends, but i really cant do it right now.

It's so wierd. You never realize how much they are a part of your life until they're gone.

Thanks for listening! I hope my screwed up head becomes clearer soon. And I think anyone who is trying to figure out why they got dumped, is just wasting time. I've asked my bf before and tried to figure it out on my own, and i know i will never understand.

I hope it works out for everyone!

[tyler42]

Hi Amandakae

I know it’s very confusing, I am just like you me and my ex did stay in contact. It’s been 3 years since we split up. I think one of the main reasons I still hurt so much is because I should have been stronger and walked away at the start, but just like you I was happy to stay friends because it meant I could see her now and again and talk on the phone and that made me happy plus you always hope as long as your in contact there might be a chance of reconciliation. I realise now after reading so many other peoples stories on here that this is very unlikely to happen. Only a few weeks ago she admitted that she was seeing someone. At least for the first time she was honest enough to tell me, she still said that she wanted to stay friends and that I would always be a part of her life, and like you I miss her so much and would love to talk to her, but what’s the point? She is mostly head over heels in love with this new guy, so all I would be doing is putting myself through a lot of heartbreak. I have not spoken to her since, she has phoned, emailed and text me a few times but I have resisted. It’s time for me to move on how I don’t know. I think of her every day, some days it seems it’s getting better, but like today I’m very down. What I think makes it worse is the fact they are most likely out having a great time with there new partners.

I hear a lot of people on this forum say it does get easer and I think with time it does, but it will only get better if you can forget them completely, I made the mistake of staying good friends, and now I am paying the for it. Amandakae If you can handle the mind games and are strong enough to take what comes with it then keep seeing him otherwise you must move on or you will end up like me

[theb]

I agree with you tyler42, you really must try and cut contact if you are not over your ex. Constant hoping for a reconciliation when you have a "catch-up chat" doesn't help at all.
I too am feeling a bit down today - no sleep (again) last night - thinking about the "one that got away", driving me insane!
No contact with ex for over a month - I just keep thinking that she might call and have a change of heart, but I know it won't happen.
Also worrying how I'll act if I bump into her in the street (if she's got a new guy, if she looks really happy now she's single etc). I'm playing possible conversations over in my mind about what i'd say. I know I shouldn't be thinking this because when or if it does happen it'll probably be just an awkward hi and that's it.
My head is so screwed from lack of sleep I don't really know anything anymore - sometimes i just wish I had an off switch (like I used to).
The hard point for me is that there wasn't any real closure (even though she tried to force it with an "I don't love you" - I know she said it just so that we can both move on).
I guess it's the case of WHY are we still worrying about our ex's? I guess it's because the majority of us here aren't the ones who decided to end the relationship and so it is our ex's that hold all the cards to both our feelings and theirs (and a lot of the time they don't/won't give us their honest answer). The other reason WHY is because we truely did love them and something as strong as that takes time to (if ever) to change into a different type of love. (I don't believe if you truely did love someone that it entirely dissapears - it just changes into maybe caring love).
In my case i'm always going to have a hoping that maybe a reconciliation will occur at some point in the distant future (like five years away!) but i'm not going to pin my hopes on it. If it does it will be a twist of fate but the chances are so stacked against it - i really do need to get some sleep!
The hardest thing about moving on is not looking back - today is a real down day for me, let's hope for tmw.

[niceguy69]

The demons just dont go away man. My first thought waking up is her and my first thought going to sleep is her. She dumped me after 1.5 years for another guy and that totally wiped out my ego and self-respect.

Love really is a mental illness that is incurable. I like to think that since this was my first love, that I'll be immune to this pain later in life, but I dont know. Sleeping only 4 hours a day for days and days takes its toll on you and keeps you spiralling further down.