Compulsive Liar

[Alysje]

Hmm... I know this might sound kind of not-my-buisness att all but why don't you go see a therapist? Ask his parents if his lieing was serious. Don't leave him. I would go see a therapist/ or marriage counseling or something. And if after all that, it still doesn't work out, file for separation or something?. But if you really do love him and he loves you you'll surely find a way to work things out right?

[Guest]

He started seeing a therapist and I am beginning to see one this week. Eventually we will be in therapy together. His parents told him that he had a very wild imagination when he was younger and even encouraged his story telling. Apparently he received alot of attention from this so he continued the behavior. I am a huge control freak and I read once that a person may lie to someone who is very controlling to prove that the other person can't control everything; meaning the lyers thoughts and words that comes of his mouth. Kind of makes sense. Like I said, I know that there is so much more to him than this so once I calmed down I realized that the part of him that doesn't involve lying is the part that I don't want to live without. He's a very good person. We're taking one day at a time; that's all we can do. Thank you for writing and I appreciate your support.

[Guest]

Hi there
i dont think i have anything to worry about, he has had no reason to lie we are as happy as ever, i think i was just panicking over anything as i am not used to have a good relationship, thinking about it now, he is not a compulsive liar, basically he lied when we first met, he said he had his own house, but the fact he was living in a caravan, but he thought i would not stay with him.
i do trust him, we talk alot and tho he said he is a compulsive liar, he is not!


thanks for the advice

He started seeing a therapist and I am beginning to see one this week. Eventually we will be in therapy together. His parents told him that he had a very wild imagination when he was younger and even encouraged his story telling. Apparently he received alot of attention from this so he continued the behavior. I am a huge control freak and I read once that a person may lie to someone who is very controlling to prove that the other person can't control everything; meaning the lyers thoughts and words that comes of his mouth. Kind of makes sense. Like I said, I know that there is so much more to him than this so once I calmed down I realized that the part of him that doesn't involve lying is the part that I don't want to live without. He's a very good person. We're taking one day at a time; that's all we can do. Thank you for writing and I appreciate your support.

You jump from one feeling to the next fast.

[Guest]

Your welcome

[shelby]

Yes, I do jump from one feeling to another fast; that's how I've been all week. I've felt furious, sad, fed up, lonely, sympathetic, scared, conned, relieved and tired at any given time. Hopefully individual counseling for the both of us will help to ease this emotional rollercoaster.

[beckster]

Hey there, I know what your going threw. I think my bfs a compulsive liar because he lies about stupid things to try to impress people, and crave attention. Let me tell you a little about compulsive liars. 99% of the time they have no self esteem, no confidence in themselves, most of them dont love each other, thats why they crave attention and sympathy and love from other people to make up for the fact that they dont love themselves. I truely love my boyfriend, and he tells me he loves me too, I feel so far its mutual, but yeah lying can get alittle annoying sometimes, he's been picked on alot for this too. If your in love with him then stay with him and try to help him, but lay some rules down, basic relationship rules must stay, compulsive liar or not he should be a good bf to u. if he breaks the rules once , Don't talk to him for a few days, Make sure he knows its wrong, eventually he'll stop. if he doesn't then don't even bother in trying to help him/ contact him , it's out of your hands, This may call for some expert help, however if he gets helped and better , then u can try to help him again, but not until your 100% sure he's ready to be a good boyfriend or even a friend.

[Helper]

Hey I decided to post this up for all those people who have a strong relationship to a compulsive liar. Whether it be Mother to daughter, or your boyfriend. Hope this Post helps.


Doesn't it fusterate you when you are unsure of what to believe anymore? Even worst when they lie in front of your face and you and everyone around you know That they are full of bs. Don't you just wish there was a way to make them stop. Well People it can be stopped, with a lot of love and care and patience.

Compulsive Liars 99% of the time have no self esteem and are extremely emotionally delicated. As a result to feel better about themselves they will make up lies to cover up what they don't have. Since they have no self esteem, and have no confidence most willhave given up on themselves. As a result to seeing themselves as a complete failure, most will become emotionally dependent on others once shown affection. They crave attention and sympathy because they need someone to love them in exchange for not loving themselves. Or make up stories to boost their ego to make up for the ego they don't have.

How Can I help a person in this situation?
It's more complicated then it seems, Its a step by step process
Your main goal is to get them to Love and respect themselves. They desperatly need self esteem for this. Once they have self esteem and love themselves nothings missing, and then there will be no reason to make up stories or it will make it more easier to stop lying,
Step one
remind them once lied they don't have to lie to be good/ cool , but be sure not to bust their bubble. Keep reminding them that, if you are with friends when you catch him lie ( even a white lie) wait until later, pull him/ her aside and tell him "You know , you don't have to lie to impress me"
If he gets mad per ex "Starting with that again? So now you think I'm lying" (when they lie on top of lies)
just say
"No, I just want to let you know that" and smile. and then if he doesn't believe you just be like "Okey so its you who doesn't trust me then" Thats basically turning it around in such a way he knows what he did was wrong and he'll be in the position that he knows u caught him lying but he can't say anything because he'll look like he's the one who doesn't know how to trust someone.
When caught lying never nod your head and agree, that just feeds the lie, and he'll / she will do it more and more often.
just pause and change the subject, then remind him later.

They need a loving supportive environment that believes in them.

compulsive liars need Motivations, they will most likely be fixed on the failure and disadvantages, remind them of the advantages!

Compliment them on something they did, make them feel good about themselves or maybe praise.

Try to make them realize they can be independent and make their own decisions. DO NOT LET HIM/ HER get dependent on you.
maybe ask them to do some simple tasks for you. Get them to help you on an issue, keep trying even if they don't want to. After have succeeding in helping out / doing stuff for you maybe he will realize Hey I am not a total failure after all, and decide to start being more responsible , which leaves the door open to get them to stop lying.

Remember they are not emotionally healthy enough to make the decision to help themselves, or realize they need help. Don't make them make decisions. Help them help themselves, even if they don't want help. 99% of the time they will be very thankfull when recovered. But be sure that they need help 100%, and if you are proven a compulsive liar, than you do need help.
Set some rules
The rule's people set are all different and according to what bothers them.
In order to help someone even though they don't know it, you should make sure they will not affect you negatively. You come before them, this is why we set rules/ expectations.

Remember being a compulsive liar has nothing to do with whether they are a good person or not. A good person will never hurt you unneccesarly. But after so many rules broken you know they need higher help which is out of your hands. I don't recommend you try to help / contact them again until they are a little better and ready to play by your rules. Per ex rules
1. No stealing
2. Keep most promises
Whatever floats your boat.

Keep trying to boost up his ego, that for now is your key goal.

[VerityWhite]

Good post

[shelby]

Thank you for some good advice. I've been following alot of it for time now since my husband & I have had this problem off and on for many years. It can get emotionally exhausting at times always trying to boost someone else's self esteem but it's a must to help someone feel good about themselves. The funny thing is, my husband is a very successful man in his business and personal life. He's very well liked and respected by everyone who knows him (of course, most of these people have no idea that he lies). On the outside, it looks like he should feel good about himself but I guess this just proves that a person can have everything but still not have high self esteem.

[Ohiomom]

My husband of 12 years is also a compulsive liar. It started from the very beginning, a fancy sports car, a great job, etc. but he fessed up right away when our relationship got serious. Neither one of us thought we would start dating eachother so he said he lied to impress. The next few years of our relationship was filled with small white lies, "sure I'll come over to help you Bob, I'll be there at six. Sure Bill, I'll be there to help you at six". He never wanted to let anybody down. Recently, he started his own business and started to take money from our personal account. His paychecks became smaller due to a "tax change" (he claims now that he promised an employee a raise and his partner said no so he paid the guy the difference in cash, our cash). More and more money started dissappearing, he needed money to move equipment, he needed money for a part, etc and don't worry, they will all be reimbursed. So I started looking at the poss. of an affair, another family, ., drugs, etc. I bought an at home drug test, negative. I followed him for three days, no sign of another woman or family, he never got into any type of card playing, horse racing, etc but confided in his best friend, no . that he knew of. So it continues. Now, he wants out of his business, it's too hard to seperate work from home, he's depressed, he is consistantly seeing a psychologist and went on an antidepressent and scored a great job with another company. He needs to sit down with his partner and discuss being bought out. He told me two days ago that his new employer would like to meet me and my children and was going to be at the same Auto Show that we were going to be at. He took a personal phone call from him in front of my entire family, mom, dad, brothers, sisters, in-laws, etc. telling this man our exact location in the auto show and told me that this man just got to the show and would be meeting us soon. THE PHONE CALL NEVER HAPPENED, he made the entire thing up. He Pretended to be on the phone because "he just wants to go work for him so bad". Then last night his Mom called to tell me how happy she is that this is my husbands last week at his business and what a great buy out he got. He has yet to talk to his partner, he made that up too. And, to boot, he is starting to drink an awful lot of beer, something he never did. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm angry, fed up, lonely, all at the same time. I read all the posts about his self esteem and I need to boost it, but I'm so tired. I have tried that a million times. Divorce seems to be an easy answer for most, but when you have children and a home and love, its hard. I did send him away to his moms for a week because I couldn't take it anymore and I couldn't supply that "positive environment that he needed", but it's back to the same old poopie. Any advice that anybody could offer, I would so appreciate. Thank you for taking the time to read my very long post but I wanted to make sure I got all the details out there.

[Shelby]

Hi Ohiomom,

I also have been in the room listening to phone calls that never happened. It's insulting and deceitful to say the least. As you read, my husband has been telling small white lies for most of our eleven years together. There were only two main issues about money very early on but the rest have been stupid little things to impress people. You're right, it gets very tiring always trying to boost someone else's self esteem. I've finally learned that nobody can make a person love themselves except that person. My husband is in therapy right now but the thing that I'm most worried about is that he's not so much sorry for lying as he is sorry for getting caught. Have you thought about getting yourself into therapy? I have an appointment for next week. It would probably help because I know that I need to learn how to trust again and let go of some control that I think that I should have over this situation. Good luck!

[ohiomom1234]

Hi Shelby,

Thank you very much for writing me. Our husbands sound like they came out of the same mold. Wouldn't it be funny if they were actually the same person. Talk about ultimate lie! Okay, so it wouldn't be that funny but I'm at the point where I really wouldn't be so surprised! My husband is the same, he seems embarrassed at getting caught, not lying. We had an appointment last night with his therapist, this was the fourth appt. She put him on antidepressents about three months ago and although his mood is better, the lying is getting worse. She actually said that she thinks he needs to start seeing a psychiatrist as opposed to herself, she's a psychologist, because she has never seen anybody lie for no reason. It's a compulsion without a drive. If there was ., drinking, drug use, etc then the lies would be to cover it up. But there is nothing that we know of. I should get in counseling to learn to deal with him because if it weren't for the kids and all the time together, I would leave in a heartbeat. I am so emotionally drained. I'm sure, at least I hope for your sake, that you are like me and your pretty sure that when he says "I love you" that that's not a lie. I think it's the only truth that comes out of his mouth sometimes. I also know that he doesn't lie to intentionally hurt. But when is it going to be time for someone to take care of us you know? Do you have children? My oldest son will be 9 next month and is just starting to catch on. Thank you again for posting me directly, I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing I am, but then again, it helps, I don't feel so alone!

[texasmommy]

My husband also has this problem. At first I thought that maybe he was a pathological liar but have come to the realization that he is probably a compulsive one. He lies mainly about our finances, and only fesses up once he's caught. I have told him until I am blue in the face that if he would just be honest and let me know everything that together we could come up with a solution to some of these financial problems. It so far has never worked. We have been married almost 14 years and it has only been the last two years that I have known about this. We have 3 children and I do love him and I know he loves me. I never imagined our life would turn out this way. His car was repossessed 10 weeks ago and he had convinced me that it was in the shop; waiting for a part to come in; broke down again - due to the fact that it was not repaired properly and then said he had taken it to another service shop. He had a loaner car and service papers to show me (which he faked on a computer). I had a sinking suspicion but he was so convincing, he even fooled our therapist. Our therapist thinks he has a crippling fear of failure. At this point I don't care what he has, I just want him to stop. We are Christians and I do believe in forgiveness and unconditional love, I just wonder when will it get better. If it is possible. Three days ago I found out that the new job he was supposed to have didn't materialize we owed back taxes and his car had been repossessed. Fortunately he does have a job, but I feel so insecure about him being able to take care of us. I know that he doesn't like himself, I know that he feels less of a man. I don't think he has any pride anymore. I'm not sure why I am even writing all of this, it just feels good to know that I am not alone, when I feel like I am the only person in the world that has this problem.

[ohiomom1234]

Hi TexasMommy,

Please don't feel bad about writing. I was so grateful when I saw Shelby's post and was even more grateful when she wrote back to me. It really does feel better to talk about it, because if not I think we would all go nuts! I'm sorry to hear you have more of a financial problem, I have just the tip of that, nothing like what you are going through. Is your husband and any antidepressents or anything? My husband is for three months now but I don't think it's helping him. I just caught him in yet another major lie this weekend, and that's after not really talking to him all week. You think he would try to be on best behavior you know? I also caught him telling the kids that I want him to leave because I hate him and he doesn't know why. Nice! I never even mentioned anything to him about leaving, although sometimes I sure would like him too! I just don't know what to do with these guys, why are they lying? I understand about self esteem and stuff, but there is so much more to it. Fear of failure like you said, the ability to look good in front of others, etc, okay, I get it, but don't we all have those same fears and wants? I'm at my wits end with all of this. And they say the guys have it hard putting up with our hormones!

[VerityWhite]

Hi TexasMommy,

Please don't feel bad about writing. I was so grateful when I saw Shelby's post and was even more grateful when she wrote back to me. It really does feel better to talk about it, because if not I think we would all go nuts!

You are right if you dont take about it wont go away.