I found this website yesterday. Posts by Ingrid and others, hit home. It was like I wrote it myself. I cried the whole time I read it. I even read some of it to my CL, hoping that he would get a better understanding of how I feel all the time now.
I met my CL when I was 16 years old. He was 20 and worked at the mall where I was Christmas shopping with my mother. I was a junior in high school. Our first date was magical, too good to be true. He was a gentleman and seemed to know how to treat me like a lady. On our second date (I’ll never forget), he asked me what the most important thing was to me --- I said honesty. We’ve been dating now for almost 6 years. He was diagnosed officially as a CL by a psychologist about 4 months ago but the lies have always been there. I just graduated from college with a degree in psychology and moved in with him about 3 months ago. I am starting a new and wonderful career as a youth counselor for emotionally disturbed children. During my college years I was in counseling for approximately 2 years and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. My 2nd year in college I had a pretty serious mental breakdown, but I obsessed over my schoolwork to hide my feelings from everyone else. My CL knew all too well about my problems, but he didn’t know how to help and would never try. I never thought about committing suicide specifically, but there were times that I definitely wanted to die. My spells of anxiety and severe depression have returned recently and I am not sure what to do. I feel ill inside all the time, my mind spins with thoughts of pain and shame. I am ashamed of myself for staying with him. But the one thing is…I love him. I feel fat and ugly and betrayed. I feel worthless and destroyed and I wish I could just see what the real truth is….all the things he has hidden from me.
My CL has lied to me about anything and everything and still continues even today. This weeks lies? Wednesday: I asked him if he had to put down a security deposit for our apartment (we are getting ready to move again and I was hoping we would get some cash back) and he said “I can’t remember”. And then it happened…I always know when he lies it’s like clockwork…shoulders slump, goofy face, devilish eyes, eyebrows raised, and no eye contact. It’s actually gotten down to a pure science. I give him 6 calm “prompts” – “Ok honey, I know you are lying, please tell me the truth.” You know what he does this time? He actually fabricates an elaborate story about it, which is also a lie (remember I know when he lies)…then I yell at him and tell him to leave. I go get the lease agreement and there it is, plain as day: security deposit $0.00. Then for me the anger and pain begins to swirl deep inside of me. It’s coupled with an undying sense of hopelessness and all I can think about is, “what about all the things I don’t know about yet.” Saturday’s lie: I look at our coffee table and there is a dent in it. “Hey honey, do you know what happened to the table?” “No I don’t” and there we go again, shoulders, eyes, humor…he starts again about how he knows nothing/did nothing. Today’s lie: “Honey did you use my wash rag in the shower?” CL response: “No I didn’t, but there was this other day that I used it accidentally”. My anger was too much today, I yelled and screamed and hit him again. I haven’t hit him in a few weeks…I promised him I wouldn’t any more…but my anger just swells….I know it is wrong; I do NOT think he deserves such horrible things, no matter what… but his constant emotional abuse….I just, I just couldn’t do it again. I never want to hit…EVER. I am a weak fighter according to him, but nonetheless the guilt of impending any sort of abuse on someone is awful. I don’t want to stoop to his level…You must be thinking, well those lies aren’t too serious…Well he did the serious ones too (probably still does too) – when we first started dating he’d lie about his education, his accomplishments, he’d lie when he didn’t call me, he’d lie about where he was going out if I was left home alone on a Friday night, he lied about which ex-girlfriends he met up with, who he bought drinks for, what porn sites he looked at because “he had a decreased sex interest”, who he talked to _ and through email, everything everything everything. You know the stupid wash rag lie? He actually started to laugh about it to my face. That made me even madder. I have cried to him so much, and shown him how torn apart I am and what did he do today? He actually laughed at his lie. HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. How could he laugh at my misfortune? I am so depressed now. No one knows…just him and me. He is seeing a new psychologist….god knows what lies he is telling him. You know the last piece of S*** psychologist we saw said??? That it was a problem with communication, that I was prying to much and that I made him feel threatened. SHE ACTUALLY SAID IT WAS MY FAULT. You know what she told me to do? If I asked him a question and he lied to me, that I should believe the lie, tell him I believe him, AND DROP IT. Yes, she said to DROP it. I wanted to scream. In the session I told her there was no way I could ever to that. He swears to his guilt and sorrow….cries those ‘real tears’...god knows he’s not crying for my pain. He says he is so sorry sorry sorry. He wants to change. No matter what, like someone said, HE ALWAYS DECIDES TO LIE TO ME. At least we have a joint session in a few weeks so I can set a few things straight. I’m so embarrassed. I feel alone and stupid. I am paranoid and sad. I fear the unknown. Lies and lies and lies. I value honesty, truth, and purity. And in a sense I feel like he has sucked me in and somehow I am now living a lie. A lie that shows me as some happy young woman, faithful and true and in love with her man. I feel like I am being dishonest with myself, and unlike him, I actually detest the feeling. I know I need to reenter counseling…I will, but I can’t just yet. My parent’s health insurance doesn’t have mental health coverage. For now you all are all I have….
I would love to have an email/aol instant messenger correspondent. I need support, someone who knows what its like. Someone I can turn to. Please let me know if you are interested….I will watch for posts.
