Compulsive Liar

[Guest]

I googled the words "compulsive liar" and this site came up. While I'm thrilled to not feel so alone, it also makes me sad to see so few success stories. I'm not sure if my husband would be considered a compulsive liar, but he definitely has issues with honesty.

We've been married for nearly two years and together for almost six. Our relationship was tested from the start:

1) A few months into our relationship, he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. This is actually when I knew that I loved him... I couldn't stand not being by his side during this frightening time, and then ever.

2) A couple of years later, his parents split up because his dad left his mother for another woman (they didn't last a week). His father was always sort of a nervous and insecure person... But this was the first time we realized he was mentally ill. He seemed to have a break with reality, and several very extreme and delusional highs (running for public office in his small town) and lows (a couple of arrests and a short court-ordered involuntary stay in a mental hospital) followed. Although he refuses to seek help or even acknowledge that something is wrong, we think he may have severe bipolar disorder (only from what we know of his behavior and have read on the Internet).

3) One week before our wedding, my husband was laid off from his job.

He took some time to figure out what he wanted to do with his life, and began taking courses towards a Masters in Science degree. However, he was struggling...this is when I first started to notice his lies. He lied about his grades. He lied about quitting a job (he led me to believe he was still working there). He lied about money and where/what he spent it on (never big things...cigarettes*yuck*, junk food, etc.) He took CDs from our home and sold them for quick cash...and lied about it until I wouldn't let up...these types of things. He finally had hit "Rock Bottom" when I caught him in a lie about his grades. He curled up on the floor, crying, saying he had no self esteem and this was definitely the bottom.

We immediately got into therapy, and this seemed to work for a while. We were both getting along a lot better. He decided to pursue a new career, and seems to be really enjoying his new path and the courses he is taking. He also got a new job in the meantime and seems to really like what he does and the people he works with.

However, lying with regards to money is still an issue, and it seems to have just resurfaced...or maybe I didn't notice before. I'm not sure... Again...lies about small things. And he is super irresponsible, almost rebellious, when he has a little financial freedom. But it is making me sick. I excused the lies before, because he was under such extreme stress and said that it wouldn't happen again. He told me this morning that he finally knows he has a problem with lying and he wants to stop...that he's scared he won't be able to... and that he needs help. Alhtough I am a bit relieved to hear him admit he has a problem, I don't want to get my hopes up. With each lie, my heart breaks. With each lie, I lose faith in him, myself, my judgement, my future. Even if the lies seem insignificant, I don't know how to get him to understand how terribly damaging they are.

I think he was brought up learning how to stick his head in the sand and ignore the truth. His mom did that with his father's infidelity. His sister has done that with her husband's infidelity. His uncle is a 60 year old homosexual, but nobody ever talks about it...he was an alcoholic for years, and I'm quite certain it was caused by repressing who he was. His father was also very critical of him...although he wasn't abusive, my husband never felt like his father was proud of him.

I, too, have not always fought fair. When I would catch him in a lie I would fly into a rage...throw things, put down his family, call him names, etc. I always felt remorseful, but I would lose control. I have worked very hard at this (with the help of therapy). Although I still struggle with these things, I've learned how to stay in check most of the time.

I love my husband so much. I think I'm a little surprised to realize the depths of his insecurity and his immaturity. Our therapist helped get us to this point of realization. I just really hope we can work through this dysfunction and have the happy, stable partnership that I so long for with him.

Am I kidding myself by having hope? Any advice? Support? Stories? It feels good to have this support here...

[confusedandblue]

You are the only true success story I've seen on this board. I would love to get your insight on a few things... Could you contact me when you get the chance? Thank you...

Confusedandblue

[seekingtruthUSA]

I googled the words "compulsive liar" and this site came up. While I'm thrilled to not feel so alone, it also makes me sad to see so few success stories. I'm not sure if my husband would be considered a compulsive liar, but he definitely has issues with honesty.

Dear Guest:

I understand how you feel. My CL has extended periods of low-selfesteem due to career changes, etc. His parents never supported any kind of education, so unfortunately he does not have any sort of degree, etc. I on the other hand just graduated from college and am currently working n a WONDERFUL job that pays 2x more than what he makes. While he tries to deny, he is indeed very jealous of my academic and career success. He too lied about his (highschool) grades to me -- I saw his transcript a couple of months ago and he barely graduated.

Finally, someone who also talks about their anger outbursts. I have been with this CL for almost 6 years, and his hurt, emotional abuse, and downright neglect have built up such anger in me that when he lies I do the same thing -- name calling, cursing, throwing, slamming, and yes, as embarassed as I am to admit -- attempted (i.e. he is bigger than me and always tries to hold me so I stop) hitting. He never hits back, of course, but the remorse I feel is extraordinary. You'd think if you told a person enough times to "please don't lie to me" they could actually do it. That's why this is a mental disorder -- they don't hear you say that/and have developed such a mechanism that it is almost impossible to stop. I was NEVER taught that hitting was ok when I was growing up -- but I guess now when I am angry and when he lies, I (at the time) feel like it is the only way I can get my point (i.e. don't lie to me) across to him. It doesn't work and I feel so guilty about it all the time. Even when I have hit him all I can scream is "I don't want to hit, I don't want to hit".

I will be re-entering counseling in a few months...I have to. My anxiety and depression has made a full comeback. The lies have made me develop such in-human anger, it's very scary for me. I also have such low-self esteem because he lies...it's weird.

Like I said in my first post, his is seeing a new counselor. I have yet to meet him -- as our first meeting will take place tomorrow actually. I rely on this site and you all now until (well and during I suppose) my therapy can start. It's all I have for now.

[Guest]

i hate liars you should dump him and make your self better

[azpowergirl]

Dear Forum,
I am also saddened that there are not more success stories when it comes to having a relationship with a CL. Perhaps it is because being involved with a CL is never a TRUE relationship since it is based on lies and deception. For those of you whose CL really wants help and is working on obtaining the truth, God Bless. However, for those of us who had to end the misery of a one-sided nightmare with a CL, I can only offer the prayer I recite each morning in order to find peace within myself.
"Dear God, I pray for happiness for Rocky beyond his wildest dreams and expectations..that he will live a happy, joyous, honest and free life. AMEN."
We may never forget the pain and hurt of their betrayal...all we can do is somehow forgive and look ahead to OUR OWN bright future. Please hang in there. There are honest men out there that deserve our compassion and unconditional love. xo from Arizona

[seekingjustice]

You can quite praying for R now because he has found more happiness than he has ever known. He knows the meaning of true love and I just hope that someday you will know what that feels like!!!!!

[azpowergirl]

Dear Seeking,
I pray this prayer to heal myself. I am happy that Rocky found happiness with you and wish you both the best. God bless and xoxo from Arizona

[Guest24]

Not that I'm saying anything these CL's do is right, many of them are people that need psychiatric help. Many of them do actually WANT to change but there condition is so personally affecting that many people do not want to help them. There are some horrible dogs out there that hurt people's lives and don't care. However, again, there are those out there for suffer internally because they aren't "normal" like everyone else. You should give thanks that you have the ability to be who you are without having a mental condition that takes away from that. There are CLs out there who are good people that are genuinely trying to turn there lives around. For all those CL's that read this that want a step in the right direction there is a supporter out there. There is a book called "The Liar's Revelation" by Karl A. Walsh. It'll help you and non-CL's understand this condition. You can get it from Amazon.com. I am a CL and I am one of those making a desperate attempt at changing. For all those people who are trying there best to help us...thank you. For all those perfect people out there who talk about us like we are dirt....I never once asked to be this way. I pray every night that I will wake up the next day with the ability to control what comes out of my mouth and I'm sorry.

[seekingtruthUSA]

Thank you for adding your input. While this site has been for me a therapuetic and educational outlet, it is sometimes good to hear from the 'other side'. Being involved with a CL is a challenge that I don't wish on anyone...and it at times requires inhuman patience. My first joint session with my CL and his new counselor was very real yesterday. Not that there are 'sides' to a therapy session or to a mental disorder, but I finally had a mental health professional telling my CL that his lies were destroying me and our relationship. While I have been known to be brutally honest, my CL is seeing FINALLY how is being brutally DIShonest...big difference. Not that he didn't already know that but it helps put things in perspective. So we are beginning our journey. He wants desperately to change, but feels almost powerless in doing so. For that I pity him. I won't ever forget the pain of his lies, but if there is some hope of change? I myself have dealt/and are dealing with the perils of anxiety and depression, a powerful combination of mental disorders that can both eat away at you slowly and endlessly. There are some tough realities he must face now-- realities which have been covered by an entire lifetime of lies. I also thank you for the book recommendations. I ordered two of Walsh's books on Amazon today. I was looking for some good reading material on CL anyway.

If you are at all interested in corressponding with my CL (i.e. he is looking for . support.....suggestions from others are welcome) please message me privately.

...the truth shall set you free....

[Jamloe]

I've watched this forum for a couple of months now and it has been a comfort to know that I'm not alone.
I've been with my husband for 41/2 yrs now(married for 31/2) and discovered his compulsive lying a year ago. The signs had always been there i.e the b/s to make himself look better but I just put it down to his jokey nature and his need to be centre of attention( he also suffered an abusive childhood).
Things got worse when our son was 8wks old (he suffered with terrible collic) and my husband went on a four week drinking spree (i'm sure he had an affair too but vehemently denies it), staying out all night, lying about where he was etc. I threw him out only to take him back after he cried and begged forgiveness. Things carried on okay for a while then his grandmother died(she was like a mother to him). After a couple of months I sensed there was something wrong but couldn't put my finger on it as he never left the house, only to go to work and had the children when I was in work. Half way through last year he had a visit from the police and told me he'd been accused by our 15yr old neighbour of harrasing her with sexual text messages but that it was lies and she was to be charged with wasting police time. 2 months later, the police called to see me and told me that he had indeed been having text sex with the girl but that he'd also had physical sex with her(he'd admitted it) and was now a registered sex offender. I threw him out that day and we were separated until a couple of months ago. I decided that I still loved him deeply and was moving away so asked him to come with me for a new start. Whilst we were apart he became involved with a girl who by her own admission, came off the pill without telling him and got herself pregnant thinking he'd stay with her(she admitted this to me herself or I'd have called him a liar).
I know he is a good, kind person and he has admitted to me that he has a huge problem with lying but he still refuses to talk about any of these issues and would rather let sleeping dogs lie.
He still to this day denies the sexual intercourse charge (he says he was so frightened he thought it better to admit it and walk away than deny it and possibly face jail if it went to trial and she was believed over him), but has admitted to the text messaging with this girl. He would not be back in my life if I felt him to be a danger to my 9yr old daughter(he's not her father) but I am at a loss as to how to get him to own up to the lies and hurt he has caused me in the last two years.
Sorry that this post is so long, I really need to get this off my chest and hopefully get a bit of advice as to where to go from here. We both know he needs help but I don't think he is ready.

[sindhu]

it is kind of weird and ironic but most of these boyfriends with compulsive urge to lie are also so easy to love and hard to break up with. my story- fell in love with him 15 months ago. turns out- he has juvenile diabetes, high BP, debts of US $200,000, injured spine, chronic impotence...

but when i start considering breaking up with him, i end up feeling as if i'm abandoning the sinking ship.

these people are naturals at emotional manipulation. we dont often realize this but these people dont pick their women up randomly. they have some kind of internal compass that takes them to the 'right' kind of women- ones with misplaced sense of loyalty and martyr syndrome.

[azpowergirl]

Dear Sindhu,
It seems this forum has lost its steam, and that's a good thing. I was hoping that the victims of compulsive liars had decreased, and those of us who began healing from their manipulation finally found peace. I'm writing to give you hope; to let you know that there is life after what you may consider life with a CL. Let me assure you that it IS POSSIBLE to fall in love with an honest, trustworthy man with morals and dignity. One who won't need drama to control his next "victim". Yes, they do have the propensity to draw women who may be more loyal than most, and they definitely hunt out women who may also be emotionally flustered or perhaps needy at the time. I found that this allows them to appear to be "the knight in shining armour" and it takes us getting out of the cycle and becoming strong ourselves to realize that this is all a bad nightmare. My experience with the CL is now merely "dust in the wind". Yes, I wasted 6 years on a complete moron, but had I not, I may have never met the man of my dreams. Please hang in there....the good ones DO exist, and believe me, it feels SO WONDERFUL to wake up every morning, knowing an honest man is still there who doesn't have to cause another SCENE so you can feel sorry for him....to go to bed each night, snuggled tight up against a good smelling man, reassured that he will protect you from the bad people in the world. And please realize, that the CL's that use and abuse others are THE BAD PEOPLE. Get away as soon as you can, and save yourself. None of us are getting any younger, and I thank God that I not only survived the mess the CL created, but now am a stronger and wiser woman because of it. Realize what true love is, and know that the chances are that the CL doesn't really love you; he'd rather control you. True love is compassionate, caring, honest and simple; unconditional and reciprocated....and it feels AWESOME! Remember...God puts the wrong ones in our lives first so that we recognize the right one when we meet them. I finally met mine! My prayers are with you...good luck and hugs from Arizona. xoxo

[jo111]

hi, I have just kicked my husband of 6 years out of the house because I just can't stand the lying anymore. I really love him, he's intelligent, handsome, sexy, funny, but if he knows there's something I don't like about him he'll just lie to cover it up. I can't trust him, I can't trust who he is, because how much stuff is there that I don't know about? If we fight he accuses me of being unfaithful, which makes me think that he must be (cause you know liars think everyone does what they do). I don't know if I've done the right thing, everyone will be so disappointed, but I just can't take the lies anymore. If he cared about me he wouldn't do this to me. All the fights, screaming, crying, even accepting it, taking the responsibility on myself (well, if I was more accepting of him then he wouldn't feel the need to lie to me) over and over, and this is the end. drained

[twnty47x]

Hi Jo
Gotta ask - has he ever admitted to you that he lies? Or if he has, has he taken responsibility himself - and not done the usual I couldnt tell you because of the way you react line?
You cant worry about everyone elses dissapointment - they dont have to live day in day out with it, you do.
The screaming matches are your frustration - you cant work through a problem with someone when they are running away through lies - you might as well be talking to the wall.
Its one of the worse kinds of abuse. It can cause you to have mental problems through constantly questioning your own judgement.
From my experience, i think you have done the right thing. If you feel you have tried everything, and nothing is changing, then he has given you little choice. Perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs, but dont expect much, this has obviously been going on for years.
Can i suggest you take a look at psychforums.com - compulsive liars forum. Read through some of the stories there.
Step back for a while and spend some time around normal people who dont lie - get a sense of reality and perspective back into your life. Should you feel that you want to talk to him about all this, send him a calm email or letter explaining why you cant continue your life with him in this way. Let him know how he has hurt you and show him what the lies do.
But be careful not to be sucked in, if he jumps on the bandwagon too quickly as a way of homing come. This is a deep rooted problem. He needs to want to change himself - you cant fix him, but you can point out the problems and what it is doing to his life. The rest is up to him.
If you cant do this and feel you have had enough, then with time the fog will clear. You will need to stay strong and away from his lies. Remember that not all people are like this.
Good luck

[1]

My ex is like that too...