Compulsive Liar

[strangegirly]

I can't believe what I have read here - I have been totally absorbed. I looked up Compulsive Liar on the Net because I'm worried about my relationship (and my sanity).

When I first got together with my boyfriend, we both split from other partners (before anything happened). It turned out that he hadn't broken it off with his fiancee (they'd been together over 10 years). We were even living together by now (things moved very fast but I was delighted)- he'd told her that he needed space and was living with a friend.

As you can imagine, he was lying about everything at this point - saying he was at work when he wasn't, secret phonecalls. Eventually, everything came out. I love him so incredibly much that I forgave him and we have been trying to sort things out for the last six months, even attending Relate sessions which really seemed to work (although, looking back, I'm not so sure).

I was worried at the time that he had almost enjoyed the lying and a couple of things have spooked me since. Firstly, a silly lie I know, he lied about where he had bought his trainers - he said he was working but I found the receipt and he'd bought them a 30 minute train journey from London. I confronted hm and he admitted it and said it was because he thought I'd be upset that he hadn't waited and gone with me at the weekend.

Secondly, he lied to me this week about how much he was earning - a lie he had set up when we first got together. He even recently made up a conversation with his boss to back it up. I confronted him (when he asked for my help with a tax issue) and the facts were there (on his payslip) and he continued to lie to my face. He got very angry and shouted and swore at me, like it was my fault. Eventually, I insisted I didn't believe him and said I'd phone his company, and then he finally told me the truth.

I'm devastated. How can we have a relationship without trust? Do you think he'll stop and these lies were one-offs? I know he has low self-esteem (largely due to his last relationship) but I do my best to be attentive and make him feel secure. He says it's helping, but, the whole time, my self-worth is eroding and I can't get it across to him how these lies make me feel.

[azpowergirl]

Strangegirly,
Your own self esteem will continue to erode if you let this go on any longer. You by no means are required to take my advice but please do heed this: if you continue to support this "man" (and I use the term loosely) you will only continue to lose your own sanity. From what you've already written, you seem to know the answer....it doesn't feel RIGHT, does it? Shouldn't you be able to trust every word he gives you? Shouldn't you be able to rely on him and not be a detective to determine the truth? My guess is that you will continue to find him in more and more lies...all you need to do is dig a little deeper. This is not a healthy way to live. If your liar truly comes clean and starts giving back to your relationship, good for you. However, I beg you to be cautious. It isn't until you find an honest, wonderful man that you will realize what a scoundrel you had. My best wishes go out to you. Please stay strong for yourself. xoxoxo from Arizona

[strangegirly]

Thank-you for your post.

I went home and had it out with my boyfriend, once and for all. It was very emotional and he even admitted some more lies - he'd told me he'd never drunk and that he used to ride a motorbike etc. etc.

I have made it clear that I will not tolerate one more lie from him and I have also made it clear that his actiions have put any possibility of marriage or starting a family WAY off into the distance. I am determined to leave him if he puts a foot out of line.

He has since gone to the doctor's who has encouraged him to keep a diary for a month, detailing any mistruths.

I understand now that his Ex was very controlling and he has fallen into a pattern of behaviour. I will support him but I will not stand for any more deception.

[Guesthere]

Hi,

I stumbled across this forum whilst looking up compulsive lying because I know someone close to me whose is a CL. I have known this person for a lot of years but only recently have I realised how bad the problem is, well actually getting much worse. I have experienced the pain and hurt of the person's lies and I have seen many other people turn their backs in disgust with this person. What concerns me most of all right now is the fact that this person is in a relationship with a wonderful person but even though they know what is happening they continue to ignore the problems!

The lies are getting much bigger now and more frequent and unforntunately involve money as well. I have tried many times over the years to confront this person, only to feel like I was the bad guy nearly everytime! This person would twist everything around and blame me and make me feel extremely guilty and remind me of all the great things they had done for me, etc, etc. I did feel like I was going crazy and tried very hard to support this person and even offer help but this was also taken the wrong way so I have now backed away, even though I still care very much for this person and I will be there if they ever need me but they are in serious denial. I am more concerned about the other people who are being hurt and they are now talking to me and asking me why this person does what they do, what can I say? I don't want to slag out anyone but I feel I must warn them some way? Any suggestions would be most helpful

[lostintime]

To Guesthere
Just tell them the truth. What else can you do?

And about the CL, does he/she lie all the time? If so, then the only way you can help is by actually taking that person to see someone who is specialized in this sort of problems, someone who can help.

[sarahjayne23@hotmail.co.u]

Hi

I need some help

I lie all the time, I have no clue as to why I lie but I do
Its getting me down and I want to stop but I just don't know how as everything cost so much money
Its getting to the point where I am actually hurting my family with my lies

Please help me

[salt]

Hi

I need some help

I lie all the time, I have no clue as to why I lie but I do
Its getting me down and I want to stop but I just don't know how as everything cost so much money
Its getting to the point where I am actually hurting my family with my lies

Please help me

Hmm...you're a liar!

[JaneDoh2006]

Hi

I need some help

I lie all the time, I have no clue as to why I lie but I do
Its getting me down and I want to stop but I just don't know how as everything cost so much money
Its getting to the point where I am actually hurting my family with my lies

Please help me

what kind of lies do you tell?

[Guesthere]

Hi Lostintime,

Yes they lie ALL the time, it has got worse over the last few months. I just don't know what to do because to approach this person and say I want to help you get some help would only make them go absolutely beserk! I just don't know what to do??

[angel_of_death]

I am only 16 and ive been a compulsive liar for around 2 to 3 years. about 2 years ago i met the love of my life who i cannot live without, and i lied and betrayed him, at that time he didnt know i was a liar. Then we broke up and he got with someone else and they got pregnant, then around 6 months ago we got back together and i told him i didnt lie, i was a honest person and i tried my best to keep honest but ide done some bad things in the time we werent together and i lied about them to him. He didnt know then and i moved out of my home to be with him, lost my family and friends. Weve been broken up for about 2 months now but im living with him and hes having sex and planning on moving in with his ex girlfriend and child..all because im a liar..for the past few months ive been honest with him to some extent..lied about little things which he got mad about because he doesnt understand why i do it..but i cant give him any answers because i dont even know why i do it myself. hes the only person ive felt so strongly about and i love him so much i want to spend the rest of my life with him but now hes getting back together with his ex..he doesnt know i know because i read his mobile because i dont trust him because he cheated when we were together the second time.
I NEED him back please help i cant cope anymore, my heart aches and my soul cries..please help me!! i need to change but dont know how and to prove to him that i have and he can trust me! Please help me!! : (

[Andrea&Mike]

I have been reading with interest the posts above. I have just found out on Monday night that the man I have been practically living with and loving for the past 8/9 months has in fact been seeing another woman for 6 years (according to her). I feel like a fool as I believed everytime I was told I love you, you are my life, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want us to have three daughters. The counselor I have been speaking to has said that this man sound likes a pathological liar, which is how I came across this forum. I don't understand how someone can spend everynight at home with me and then go and see another woman during the day and also work as a British Transport Policeman? His ongoing statement of "honey, when would I have time to see someone else, I'd never want anyone else but you, you're my world" would ring true everytime I questioned him, especially with our romantic nights away, him usually always being home for dinner and how much effort he put into our relationship - learning how to communicate better, doing special things to show he loved me etc.. but the constant text messages that would come through and the way he would guard his phone always had me suspicious. He also claimed to be visiting his daughter some Sundays, God the arguements he created around that, when in fact according to his "girlfriend" he hasn't see his daughter in years! It seems like there have just been lies build upon lies built upon lies - yet it is hard not to believe him when he says that I have changed his life and I mean more than anything else in the world to him... Apparantly he would be lost without me *raising an eyebrow* I'm interested to hear from anyone that has any idea as to how to get over such a betrayal? I for one am not coping very well and am stunned that this other woman isn't sure if she still wants to be with him or not?? I have never felt so loved or so wanted by anyone in my life - how is it that I am so stupid that I could not see that this was all lies?? I actually believed him when he told so many times that he had "finally found THE one for him and that none of his past relationships can compare to what we have". The thing that stings the most is that I held him at arms length for the first 2 months as I had trust issues and he worked so hard to turn that around & get me to trust him. He worked it so well that I moved into a flat near his work at Paddington so it was a short 5 mins walk home for him & we created a lovely home, exactly what he wanted to be able to "come home and chill out with my baby and be in her arms... water our 'practice child' Fred the plant that he bought for our room". God I am an idiot. How do you get past something like this, how do you move on... how can you ever trust again. I talk to the guys here at work and nearly all of them cheat on their wives - are all British men this disloyal? The thing I'm struggling with now is that after having him in tears the other day at the thought of losing me he is now refusing to explain any of what he has done - am I wrong for wanting an explanation so desperately?

[mobear417]

I found the posts while looking for a way to understand why a man would like about his life to someone he "cares" about. The posts here are great. I agree there is really no help for them unless they want it...and most don't. I don't think they really care about anything but making themselves look good.
I had this suspicion I was being lied to by someone who always told me they loved me. Until I decided to see what I could find out. I did a web search for key things he had told me about himself. Turns out he lied about them and I have family pics that I found on the web and confronted h im. He said he was sorry and wouldn't lie anymore. I was a jerk and believed him...Needless to say he continued to lie to me and I have more "dirt" on him then I thought needed. I still love the jerk but I'd never be with him again. He needs help in a big way.

[joyful]

I am surprised to see how many women on here are dating CL types and even considering staying with such a person. You all deserve better, and he does not deserve you! Get out before it's too late. I wish I had that option, but in my case we are married and have children. This endlessly complicates the situation.

[joyful]

I am surprised to see how many women on here are dating CL types and even considering staying with such a person. You all deserve better, and he does not deserve you! Get out before it's too late. I wish I had that option, but in my case we are married and have children. This endlessly complicates the situation.

[Guest]

I have lived with a liar for over 10 years now. They will never change. They will never quit lying. I say GET OUT before you have kids. It is not worth the years of heartache. We have 3 kids now and I feel like I can't leave.

I have been married for a year, and only been with him for 18 months...when i first met him he said he had his own house but then he had to tell me he actually lived in a caravan because he was too embarrassed and thought i would not stay with him.

On saturday he told me that he is a compulsive liar...how do i trust someone i love who is a compulisve liar..and does anyone have any advice about compulsive liars...i was quite upset when he told me this