Compulsive Liar

[PBTD42]

I've just separated from my boyfriend of one year because he is a compulsive liar. We have been dealing with this for about 4 months. I've learned that compulsive lying is actually a symptom of a personality disorder. My boyfriend is currently in the process of going to counseling and has yet to be diagnosed - and I'm afraid of the diagnosis. Most of his lies are small, but then again lies are lies, and how knows if he's told me everything. I am starting to discount everything he has said to me - even his apologies because they could be lies too. Ugh - this is so hard. This is not the first time he has had problems regarding lying in his relationships - this is one of the reasons his ex divorced him. He is such a good man and is wonderful to me otherwise, and it was devastating to learn about his lying. My whole foundation has been cracked - personally and in my relationship. I am at a complete loss because I love this man so much . . . but I love ME more. Where do I draw the line of being overly compassionate and being stupid? The worst part was that I was married for 3.5 years to a compulsive/pathological liar 15 years ago - he never would admit to his lies and unfortunately he still does it today. I was afraid that I was attracting these 'types' into my life, but my therapist said there was a 15 year span, so No. (thank God) But the lies hurt worse this time because essentially they are my raw 'baggage' from my marriage. It took me s-o-o-o long to heal from my divorce (nearly 10 years) and to be put right back into those devastating feelings again is horrible. I asked him to move out - he has. He's apologized profusely. He's going to therapy and making efforts to improve. But I have to ask - is this for me or for him? I've found a great book called 'When Your Lover is a Liar' by Susan Forward. It's been very helpful for me to try to understand liars and decide whether I give this relationship another chance. I'm terrified to quit this relationship . . . and I'm terrified to try again.

[PBTD42]

I can understand your plight. I would suggest the book "When your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward. I just found it and it's great. I think you are dealing with a pathological liar (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because she has little remorse for her actions. These are the people who don't or won't change because they don't think they are doing anything wrong. Read the book - it's very helpful in trying to analyze the liar. It gives you tools to reground yourself, how to confront the liar, and if you should continue in the relationship. I know you have a daughter so it's even more important that you make the right decision. Because children learn by what they see - you don't want to show her that this kind of behavior is appropriate. Best of luck to you - I am so sorry for your pain.

You are on the wrong board. Try survivinginfidelity. Lots of trolls on here that would sooner laugh at you and chastise you for giving something a shot than try to offer sensible support.

I hope it gets better for you, but I believe until you pack up and walk away, she is not going to get the message.

This is not about the infidelity, it is about the lying and the problems it has caused. She lies to every person she meets. She has lied to both families, teachers, landloard, counselors, the lawyer she was talking to. She lies to buy time and then lies again. She is not bothered by it at all. Once in a whiel she will shed a tear or two and then just clam up again. Her parents said she has been like this since she was little. The only people that are okay with all this are the ones that the lies have not caught up to yet. For now this is just this new group of friends she has at her job. she has done a 180 in the last few months like she was doing drugs, but I know she is not. Possible ., and she said she started to go a gamblers . meeting. She lies for no reason at all except to make it easy for her to get through the day. It does not help anyone but her. The mess is worse when the truth comes out.

[Guest]

i have a friend/bf who i have known for about 1 year. we dated for about 8 months and have broken up. i think he is a compulsive liar. i think this is part of the reason our relationship failed. i recognize and relate to many of the things that have been said in these posts about compulsive liars and how they make you feel. my question is this ~ i care about this person. i have confronted him on small lies, which he rationalized and justified, but i have never confronted him to tell him that i think he is a compulsive liar. i just recently started realizing it. he does cry under pressure and cannot stand confrontation. he admittedly has low self-esteem/confidence and feels guilty all the time. we still communicate with each other (though mostly by my initiation) even though we have broken up. he is in therapy, though i don't know if he talks to his therapist about this. is it the right thing to do to tell him that i think he has this problem? i'm pretty sure he knows - or at least has some idea himself, but he has never admitted it to me. i really want to try to help him if i can.

[mummy63]

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, and have a baby together. He has always told me lies from the beginning of our relationship, realistically I should have knocked him into touch back then but I didnt... hoping he'd change. The lies I have had to put up with over the years are unbelievable... telling me he had to go away on a 2 week course with work when in actual fact he went and stayed with his parents for the 2 weeks who lived only up the road... they even covered for him. He lies to me almost on a daily basis... tonight he has called his personal mobile from his work mobile pretending that a work colleague was on the end of the line talking about a work night out tomorrow evening. I confronted him when i thought he was lying and he admitted he'd lied. His reason being that if he told me that he was going out tomorrow evening that I wouldnt like it and it was his way of making the situation easier. I have pointed out that there is no issue with him going out tomorrow as he only intends to be out for 2 hours straight from work, my issue id his lying. He see's no problem in it, and actually doesnt think he is lying. Aaaarrrggh... this really is a big problem in our relationship... has anyone got any advice? Thanks

[mummy63]

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, and have a baby together. He has always told me lies from the beginning of our relationship, realistically I should have knocked him into touch back then but I didnt... hoping he'd change. The lies I have had to put up with over the years are unbelievable... telling me he had to go away on a 2 week course with work when in actual fact he went and stayed with his parents for the 2 weeks who lived only up the road... they even covered for him. He lies to me almost on a daily basis... tonight he has called his personal mobile from his work mobile pretending that a work colleague was on the end of the line talking about a work night out tomorrow evening. I confronted him when i thought he was lying and he admitted he'd lied. His reason being that if he told me that he was going out tomorrow evening that I wouldnt like it and it was his way of making the situation easier. I have pointed out that there is no issue with him going out tomorrow as he only intends to be out for 2 hours straight from work, my issue id his lying. He see's no problem in it, and actually doesnt think he is lying. Aaaarrrggh... this really is a big problem in our relationship... has anyone got any advice? Thanks

[Jay1234]

Hi,

I haven't read all the posts yet but am so glad I have found this site where I can share what I have been feeling and going through.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. At first he started off to be the best boyfriend a girl could dream of, he preached love loyalty and respect. As time went on he started to become more and more paranoid about my past relationship...even though there was no reason to. He didn't like it that I once text my ex's sister just a simple happy birthday or that I had used a bag that my ex had bought. I paid severly for this and begged, cried and pleaded, promising to do anything to make him see that it's him I love and want, nothing and no one else.
Lately I have been slowly discovering a whole host of little little lies, he lied about going away on holiday with his mum but I found pictures of him with his cousins there aswell, when I had asked him before he got angry saying I question him too much and never believe him - my suspicions were correct though.
I have caught him on facebook three times now, he made me get off there but has secretly been on there himself.
He has lied about so many little insignificant things, I am thinking does he do that because he has felt hurt over me texting my ex's sister and using the bag. He says he loves me and really wanted it to work but after discovering his lies I confronted him. Instead of admitting and apologising, he accused me of checking up on him and went mad at me, I think he uses that approach to divert away from the real issue - the issue of him lying.
I have banked everything on this one guy, I can't see my life without him.
This all happened last night and he has turned off his phone and it pretty much is final that we have broken up.
I feel like such a mess, just want him to call me and explain why he lies and tell me he wants things to work.
Why do I want him after knowing he lies, why am I so weak?!
I feel so depressed and low right now, life will be so empty without him. I wish he never changed from when I first met him

[Guest]

Hi,

I haven't read all the posts yet but am so glad I have found this site where I can share what I have been feeling and going through.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. At first he started off to be the best boyfriend a girl could dream of, he preached love loyalty and respect. As time went on he started to become more and more paranoid about my past relationship...even though there was no reason to. He didn't like it that I once text my ex's sister just a simple happy birthday or that I had used a bag that my ex had bought. I paid severly for this and begged, cried and pleaded, promising to do anything to make him see that it's him I love and want, nothing and no one else.
Lately I have been slowly discovering a whole host of little little lies, he lied about going away on holiday with his mum but I found pictures of him with his cousins there aswell, when I had asked him before he got angry saying I question him too much and never believe him - my suspicions were correct though.
I have caught him on facebook three times now, he made me get off there but has secretly been on there himself.
He has lied about so many little insignificant things, I am thinking does he do that because he has felt hurt over me texting my ex's sister and using the bag. He says he loves me and really wanted it to work but after discovering his lies I confronted him. Instead of admitting and apologising, he accused me of checking up on him and went mad at me, I think he uses that approach to divert away from the real issue - the issue of him lying.
I have banked everything on this one guy, I can't see my life without him.
This all happened last night and he has turned off his phone and it pretty much is final that we have broken up.
I feel like such a mess, just want him to call me and explain why he lies and tell me he wants things to work.
Why do I want him after knowing he lies, why am I so weak?!
I feel so depressed and low right now, life will be so empty without him. I wish he never changed from when I first met him

Men are always going to be sneaky and you never know whether they are lying or cheating. It's an issue of trust, just don't marry a man you don;t trust or at least sign a pre-nup before hand. It would be nice if there were men who didn't have porn addictions or problems with sincerity.

[Guest]

I've just separated from my boyfriend of one year because he is a compulsive liar. We have been dealing with this for about 4 months. I've learned that compulsive lying is actually a symptom of a personality disorder. My boyfriend is currently in the process of going to counseling and has yet to be diagnosed - and I'm afraid of the diagnosis. Most of his lies are small, but then again lies are lies, and how knows if he's told me everything. I am starting to discount everything he has said to me - even his apologies because they could be lies too. Ugh - this is so hard. This is not the first time he has had problems regarding lying in his relationships - this is one of the reasons his ex divorced him. He is such a good man and is wonderful to me otherwise, and it was devastating to learn about his lying. My whole foundation has been cracked - personally and in my relationship. I am at a complete loss because I love this man so much . . . but I love ME more. Where do I draw the line of being overly compassionate and being stupid? The worst part was that I was married for 3.5 years to a compulsive/pathological liar 15 years ago - he never would admit to his lies and unfortunately he still does it today. I was afraid that I was attracting these 'types' into my life, but my therapist said there was a 15 year span, so No. (thank God) But the lies hurt worse this time because essentially they are my raw 'baggage' from my marriage. It took me s-o-o-o long to heal from my divorce (nearly 10 years) and to be put right back into those devastating feelings again is horrible. I asked him to move out - he has. He's apologized profusely. He's going to therapy and making efforts to improve. But I have to ask - is this for me or for him? I've found a great book called 'When Your Lover is a Liar' by Susan Forward. It's been very helpful for me to try to understand liars and decide whether I give this relationship another chance. I'm terrified to quit this relationship . . . and I'm terrified to try again.

I wouldn't even bother getting to the root of it. It is a complete waste of time. They drag you deeper and deeper into their deceit. I've seen people with decent jobs, reputations getting dragged into other peoples mess, because their partners are too weak to handle their own lives, successes and failures. The best thing to do is jump ship and expose them for the liars they are. Keeping quiet does no good. You have to make a mockery of them and if that means a public mockery, so be it. Don't let anyone F*** with you or your life

[Guest]

...and when you've finished ringing them out like wet towel, relax, smoke a cigar and have a nice glass of wine. Some dopey c*n*s will say that you're bitter, but at the end of the day you know it's sweet sweet justice

[Guest]

Liars, cheaters, wh*res, sluts and thieves. There's a special place waiting for them.

[Guest]

[Guest]

Liars, cheaters, wh*res, sluts and thieves. There's a special place waiting for them.

Yes it's called HELL

Anyone who put's people through S*** intentionally, lives in eternal hell.

[Guest]

Liars, cheaters, wh*res, sluts and thieves. There's a special place waiting for them.

Yes it's called HELL

Anyone who put's people through S*** intentionally, lives in eternal hell.

[Jay1234]

Hi,

I haven't read all the posts yet but am so glad I have found this site where I can share what I have been feeling and going through.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. At first he started off to be the best boyfriend a girl could dream of, he preached love loyalty and respect. As time went on he started to become more and more paranoid about my past relationship...even though there was no reason to. He didn't like it that I once text my ex's sister just a simple happy birthday or that I had used a bag that my ex had bought. I paid severly for this and begged, cried and pleaded, promising to do anything to make him see that it's him I love and want, nothing and no one else.
Lately I have been slowly discovering a whole host of little little lies, he lied about going away on holiday with his mum but I found pictures of him with his cousins there aswell, when I had asked him before he got angry saying I question him too much and never believe him - my suspicions were correct though.
I have caught him on facebook three times now, he made me get off there but has secretly been on there himself.
He has lied about so many little insignificant things, I am thinking does he do that because he has felt hurt over me texting my ex's sister and using the bag. He says he loves me and really wanted it to work but after discovering his lies I confronted him. Instead of admitting and apologising, he accused me of checking up on him and went mad at me, I think he uses that approach to divert away from the real issue - the issue of him lying.
I have banked everything on this one guy, I can't see my life without him.
This all happened last night and he has turned off his phone and it pretty much is final that we have broken up.
I feel like such a mess, just want him to call me and explain why he lies and tell me he wants things to work.
Why do I want him after knowing he lies, why am I so weak?!
I feel so depressed and low right now, life will be so empty without him. I wish he never changed from when I first met him

Men are always going to be sneaky and you never know whether they are lying or cheating. It's an issue of trust, just don't marry a man you don;t trust or at least sign a pre-nup before hand. It would be nice if there were men who didn't have porn addictions or problems with sincerity.

So since this post we have been talking and meeting up and have slowly worked things through and are back together - however I have discovered potentially another huge huge lie - he has told me has been working in London for the past 3months but I have seen pictures of him working in Midlands. His uncle is ill so he has kept a running story that he will vist his uncle eveyday after work (just so he doesn't need an excuse to avoid meeting me because he can't - I'm in London!) If he works where he says he does in London, well that's 10mins away from me - yet for 3months we have never once met after work. He always has excuses like he is working til late or he has to go to see his uncle in hospital.
I know he isn't cheating on me as we met this weekend and stayed out the night and I even gave him a love bite (sorry for the details!) on his neck and he was completely fine about it.
I think he could be lying because I always said to him if he worked far then I wouldn't be able to handle a long distance relationship...but at the same time, lying about it doesn't make it any better!
I don't know what to do, whether to confront him and say I have seen pictures of him outside London (by the way these pictures were taken on a day he said he was definately in London and I have his texts on my phone to prove) or whether to carry on pretending I know nothing - but that's proving really hard.
I just want to get my head around his lies and why he is doing it - I wouldn't even mind if he just said yes he has been working there - but why lie and continuously keep lying to cover it up...using his uncles illness is really messed up!
Any advise?? Am so confused! My friend said I should turn up to Midlands where I know he is staying (with his flatmate he stayed with at uni) But I don't know if this will be a good idea...any suggestions??

[Guest]

Hi,

I haven't read all the posts yet but am so glad I have found this site where I can share what I have been feeling and going through.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. At first he started off to be the best boyfriend a girl could dream of, he preached love loyalty and respect. As time went on he started to become more and more paranoid about my past relationship...even though there was no reason to. He didn't like it that I once text my ex's sister just a simple happy birthday or that I had used a bag that my ex had bought. I paid severly for this and begged, cried and pleaded, promising to do anything to make him see that it's him I love and want, nothing and no one else.
Lately I have been slowly discovering a whole host of little little lies, he lied about going away on holiday with his mum but I found pictures of him with his cousins there aswell, when I had asked him before he got angry saying I question him too much and never believe him - my suspicions were correct though.
I have caught him on facebook three times now, he made me get off there but has secretly been on there himself.
He has lied about so many little insignificant things, I am thinking does he do that because he has felt hurt over me texting my ex's sister and using the bag. He says he loves me and really wanted it to work but after discovering his lies I confronted him. Instead of admitting and apologising, he accused me of checking up on him and went mad at me, I think he uses that approach to divert away from the real issue - the issue of him lying.
I have banked everything on this one guy, I can't see my life without him.
This all happened last night and he has turned off his phone and it pretty much is final that we have broken up.
I feel like such a mess, just want him to call me and explain why he lies and tell me he wants things to work.
Why do I want him after knowing he lies, why am I so weak?!
I feel so depressed and low right now, life will be so empty without him. I wish he never changed from when I first met him

Men are always going to be sneaky and you never know whether they are lying or cheating. It's an issue of trust, just don't marry a man you don;t trust or at least sign a pre-nup before hand. It would be nice if there were men who didn't have porn addictions or problems with sincerity.

So since this post we have been talking and meeting up and have slowly worked things through and are back together - however I have discovered potentially another huge huge lie - he has told me has been working in London for the past 3months but I have seen pictures of him working in Midlands. His uncle is ill so he has kept a running story that he will vist his uncle eveyday after work (just so he doesn't need an excuse to avoid meeting me because he can't - I'm in London!) If he works where he says he does in London, well that's 10mins away from me - yet for 3months we have never once met after work. He always has excuses like he is working til late or he has to go to see his uncle in hospital.
I know he isn't cheating on me as we met this weekend and stayed out the night and I even gave him a love bite (sorry for the details!) on his neck and he was completely fine about it.
I think he could be lying because I always said to him if he worked far then I wouldn't be able to handle a long distance relationship...but at the same time, lying about it doesn't make it any better!
I don't know what to do, whether to confront him and say I have seen pictures of him outside London (by the way these pictures were taken on a day he said he was definately in London and I have his texts on my phone to prove) or whether to carry on pretending I know nothing - but that's proving really hard.
I just want to get my head around his lies and why he is doing it - I wouldn't even mind if he just said yes he has been working there - but why lie and continuously keep lying to cover it up...using his uncles illness is really messed up!
Any advise?? Am so confused! My friend said I should turn up to Midlands where I know he is staying (with his flatmate he stayed with at uni) But I don't know if this will be a good idea...any suggestions??

Leave the looser. There are so many better men out there. I know you are going to ask "where?" But they do exist somewhere not quite sure where though.