Compulsive Liar

[ohiomom1234]

Sorry, the above post was from me, I forgot to sign in first.

[Angela7174]

Hi again, gals. And the circle grows larger.....I kept my boyfriend's compulsive lying entirely to myself for almost three years - I don't know if I was embarassed, ashamed, or just afraid that whomever I confided in would tell me "RUN, don't walk" from the relationship. Finally I got involved in a conversation with his daughter (grown), and realized that this had been a problem for some time. After we talked I felt relieved that I was not "crazy", but I also felt a tremendous sadness in realizing the magnitude of the problem. His daughter confronted him the next day and told him he would lose me if he didn't change. I NEVER thought he would agree to counseling, but he did. We went together one time for an "evaluation" under my employee assistance program and the psychologist we saw recommended that he go for individual counseling and referred him to another psychologist he thought would be effective. We went to one appointment together and he has been twice now by himself (yes, he did go, I checked). Even if he makes good progress it will be difficult to establish the level of trust needed to make a relationship work, but I do remain hopeful, and it is so nice to realize that I am not the only one who has fallen in love with someone with his problem.

From what I have read, the cycle is FEAR-LYING-REGRET-FEAR. Determining and acknowledging the causes for the FEAR is what is key. My boyfriend is a Viet Nam Vet - I think the things that happened there may be part of the cause. Any thoughts on this?

Did anyone respond to the fellow who posted that he is doing some research on this subject for some type of program? Also have you noticed that there seem to be an inordinate amount of compulsive liars in the states of Ohio and Arizona? At least that's what it would seem from the posts!

Bye for now.

[ohiomom1234]

I'm not sure if has to do with Vietnam, or just the need to feel like he's worth something. That's what the psychologist told me was the cause of my husbands lying. He has no confidence in himself so he lies to impress. Silly huh? I did not respond to the guy doing research, he sounded a little shady, did you? And I do agree with the OH and AZ thing. Interesting huh?

[Angela7174]

Yes, you're right, it's definitely a confidence/self-esteem thing. I try to remember that and be as supportive as possible, but sometimes it's hard. Even though he is going to counseling I still want him to "come clean" about alot of things, but now is probably not the time to push for that. No, I didn't respond to the research fellow - I don't feel like sharing my feelings unless it's with you gals that are in the same boat! I still feel embarassed and ashamed about the whole thing! No one could understand unless they've been through it.

Ohiomom - are you getting any counseling yourself? I am considering it - I think my self-esteem has been affected and certainly my ability to trust.

[azpowergirl]

I just wanted to tell you how my heart goes out to each and every one of you. It has been about 6 weeks since I heard my compulsive ex-lover's voice (when he tried to phone with more lies) and at first it was hard. When I thought about never hearing him again, I couldn't breathe. That's because I was SO devoted to him; so IN LOVE. Well, ladies, I got a court hearing for the restraining order and actually got to SEE the other woman-this Nancy Hyttel character. Guess what? She's butt ugly! So, I am SO grateful that now SHE has to deal with his dysfunction, his stealing, his emotional abuse and sick fantasy world. Please, everyone, LISTEN! I know you all have good, pure hearts. However, please realize that you are only responsible for YOURSELF! Save your own sanity! Staying involved with a liar will make you lose more and more of who you are, and believe me, they are not worth it. For those of you with children, I cannot even pretend to know how hard it is, especially if the liar is the daddy. All I know is I am a stronger person even after nearly perishing many times in the past 6 years, and I deserve better. I deserve a loving, monogomous, honest and trustworthy man. I know he is out there! Please- keep the faith and know that you all are in my prayers!
Nadine in AZ

[ohiomom1234]

Angela7414,

I have not been in counseling, although I probably should. I talked with one of his doctors when he was in the hospital, and I thought I came across very cool. confident, etc, but deep down I was feeling all the feelings that someone would from this situation. It's funny how time marches on and you go back to normal life. I mean, a short 7 weeks ago he was suicidal and now he acts normal. The girls are always left to pick up the pieces. I'm supposed to go back to counseling with him, but I think it may be time for my own. I have accepted that it will be a long time before I can trust him again, and I have the hardest time with intimacy. How am I supposed to be with a man who told everybody such horrid lies about me? Everybody talks about Love on this forum. I think Love has nothing to do with this, but then again everything. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be here, of course, but yet, on the same note, I'm sticking around to help him because I do love him. It's a really hard feeling to describe. I know the above sentence didn't make sense. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm with him and helping him not because I'm in love with him, but because I love him. No different than a relative, very good friend, etc. When your with someone for so long, they become part of you. And when they need you, there is no question, no matter how bad the betrayal, as long as the betrayal is not intentional. Compulsive liars do not lie to hurt. Whew! Reading my own post makes me think I need more than just a counselor for support!!! It's a tough situation. In regards to your question though, yes, I think counseling for the wife, girlfriend, etc is not only needed but beneficial. If you do go, please let me know if it helped you.

[azpowergirl]

Ohio Mom, I am still in counseling. I have the hardest time accepting the fact that I allowed 6 years of my life to be stolen from me by a man who never meant a word he said. You say that compulsive liars don't lie to hurt people. Maybe not. However, they are so self serving that in the process of getting what they want, they shatter many lives. I definitely recommend counseling, but just know that if the betrayal you feel is as deep as what I felt, it will take a LONG time to recover. Now, when a man (even a decent, caring and honest one) is interested in me, I bolt before it can get too serious. I truly am scared to love again, and feel as though I have to verify everything a man tells me from the get-go. It's not right, I know, but I became such a detective over those 6 years that it's hard to believe someone just at face value. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I can't imagine ever "giving it all" like I did with Rocky Sadler.

[liedtoUK]

Hi
Im new to this forum, having only found it today. I have been dealing with my compulsive lying b/f for 2 years (one year since i discovered the lies). I have used other forums before, but this is the first one ive found with so many of us lied-to. The posts on here really show the hurt and pain caused by this. Im glad to have found some support i hope. Even though I hope the worst is over (pink glasses maybe?) and he is starting counselling this week, its been the most horrific 2 years and so mentally and emotionally battering. My self esteem and self respect feel like they are in the toilet. I will post again when i have more time.
Good luck to you all.

[Januk]

I have been following this site for over a week now and I have come to rely upon it as my only form of support - everyone else has given up on me because of my relationship with a compulsive liar. My mother has said that everyone is fed up with me because I say I am going to walk away but never do, my doctor won't offer me any more counselling whilst I am still with him, friends don't phone anymore. It seems to me that the person being lied to suffers so much and so needlessly - all we want is support in either living with a compulsive liar or help in walking away when we don't really want to.

There ought to be proper support groups for us because we suffer so much. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted - my health is deteriorating rapidly and I feel that I have nowhere to turn. I love my man so much but have got to the point that I don't believe a word he says. Is is possible for him to change or is it inbuilt and I must either accept him for what he is or walk away with my sanity just about intact?

[tired in canada]

What a bubble I have been living in. Two years ago (immediately after buying a home together), I discovered that my boyfriend had been lying to me and everyone else about just about everything. I’ve been living very much in an isolated state since then, not talking to anyone because I have come to feel that I am not the intelligent woman I once thought I was. I’ve been afraid to admit to anyone the hell I’ve been living through for the last two years. I have become paranoid, questioning, suspicious, and am constantly guarded and am constantly questioning my own judgment. To an outsider, life is fine – but inside my bubble I’ve begun to fall apart. I go through cycles where I feel angry, betrayed and hurt by the lies. I then feel compassion for my now fiancé, who is otherwise a very caring, loving, thoughtful and considerate man. I look at him and how wonderfully he treats me otherwise and I think, ‘How can you be that person?’ I have only very recently come to the realization that his actions have nothing to do with me and that his intention is not to hurt. This week he agreed to seek help; we both realize that without it, the relationship will be over. I love him, but have been trying to be supportive for two years and it has taken its toll. We both realize that we cannot live like this. I will be no good to him or myself if I am a crazy person. I can’t begin to tell all of you what comfort I felt when I discovered this forum the other day. For the first time in two years I felt that I am not alone! And that someone else understands what I am going through! Like the other women, I read through the entries and thought ‘Oh my God, that is exactly what I am going through!’ I also came to realize that my fiancé is like other men as well. He does not lie about the big things, but about the little things. Most of his lies are geared to make him feel important. I hope that counseling will help, because I would like to spend the rest of my life with this man and I would like for both of us to become mentally and emotionally healthy again; but I have also started to accept the fact that if things do not change, that won’t happen. Thank you for listening and for sharing! This has helped so much!

[Guest]

Don't forget gals, please, compulsive liars do not lie to intentionally hurt. HOWEVER, if the lie being lived is having another woman in his life, leave. Don't ever stay with a man who is cheating on you. I'm not saying leave someone who cheats immediately, everybody makes mistakes for one reason or another, but if he is constantly cheating on you, my Gosh, please do yourself a favor and leave. That is not the normal actions of a compulsive liar but the actions of a man that does not respect you or the female he is cheating with.

[Angela7174]

I agree. And there is also the type of compulsive liar that is abusive, verbally and/or physically (a sociopath?). I would RUN from that type of relationship also. Most of "our" compulsive liars don't seem to be abusive, I know "mine" isn't, and I don't believe he has ever cheated on me (I've become quite the detective, so I think I would know). For the most part these are great guys that have a SERIOUS problem. All we can do is deal with it as best we can. If they have acknowledged the problem and are seeking help, then I guess it's worth sticking around. Has anyone out there seen successful treatment for compulsive lying? It sounds like alot of our compulsive liars are being treated - any success stories? Although I am still hopeful, it would be great to hear about someone who has come out of this with a happy ending.....

[HarleyRider]

To people that read this I want you to know it has now created a possiable lawsuit against herself. 95% off what was said was wrong, she is the one that has the multipal restraining orders against, because of her psychotic nature. The ex BF has no orders against him at this time for anything. I am not the ex BF and have seen the psychotic nature of AZpowergirl first hand.

[Angela7174]

Well, 6 years with a compulsive liar would drive anyone a bit crazy, just ask the rest of us! Good luck to you and AZPowerGirl's EX-boyfriend. Sounds like you'll need it!!!

[Angela7174]

We have good days and we have bad days..... yesterday was a bad day. After several weeks of thinking things were getting back on track, my boyfriend told me a stupid lie last night regarding finances (as usual). I told him I thought he might have made a little slip and did he want to come clean so we could move on with things. His reaction convinced me even more that he was lying. He got REALLY defensive and angry and tried to divert the issue of his lying by saying I was really angry about something entirely different (not true). He kept insisting that I was upset over something else, which finally made ME angry and we had a huge shouting match, which we rarely do. I couldn't believe how indignant he was that I would dare question him! When I asked where the receipts were for the bank transactions he said he made, he said they were in his car. I asked to see them, and told him if he would just show me the receipts it would be over and I would be happy to apologize. Well, guess what - Mr. Self Righteous refused - why should HE have to show me anything?!? Sound familiar, gals? After a couple hours of icy silence I told him 'no big deal, I'll just chalk it up like the rest". That made him even more angry (and defensive). I took a valium to calm down, then tried to talk to him again. He still would not admit to lying, but kind of broke down and said he'd been trying so hard to make things better, and that he doesn't know where I come up with these things.....sigh. Today we pretty much act like nothing happened. I am thinking about calling his psychologist (who told me I could call him if I felt the need). What do you think???

I feel sick to my stomach today and sick at heart and NOT so hopeful in AZ. I don't expect him to never tell a lie again or to stop "cold turkey", but I also didn't expect such a defensive and hostile reaction to my questions since I thought we were trying to work through this thing together. Now I'm not so sure we're going to make it......