Compulsive Liar

[Need understanding]

I'm here because I love my wife. I'm a compulsive liar. I'm a 35-year-old male, married for 4 years to probably the most honest woman I've ever met.

If anyone would like answers to questions they have about their lying spouse or partner, I'd be happy to try to provide some answers. Obviously, there are many different situations, so what may be truth in my situation, may not fit in yours, but I would like to help. To give something back, since I believed that I have all but ruined my wife's life, and she deserved the exact opposite.

Father was an abusive alcoholic. Mother was a loving, well-intentioned liar that taught me to lie. Okay, so that was growing up. Why in the world can't a grown man control his honesty? Why even put out an "excuse" like the one above? Just because there are patterns that seem to be similar here.

I've read a lot of quotes from people on here, and I KNOW that it affects the partners more than ANYONE!!! Although they are usually the least deserving of the pain created, they are the ones who are always hurt the most.

"Staying involved with a liar will make you lose more and more of who you are, and believe me, they are not worth it."

I can't do anything but agree with the above quote. I'm not worth it. I want to be, and that's part of the problem. I've tried since I could talk to get approval from my father. He died when he was 46, and I never got the opportunity to know if he was proud of me. He was an officer in the military, and was angry and hateful, because he was the child of an alcoholic. I ended up marrying a woman who was a lot like him in terms of the anger and volatility. I always wondered why that was the case.

Anyway, I've written enough. If anyone wants ANYTHING answered, I'm here to tell the truth.

[ohiomom1234]

Angela7174,

Don't get discouraged. He got so angry because one, he got caught. Two, he was embarrassed. Three, he let himself down and let you down at the same time. Low self confidence is a big trait of compulsive liars and they thrive when they are doing so good. Then a slip up and they fall three steps back again. The lies will continue, but eventually fade. I really don't think they will ever go away, it's part of their personality. I'm like you though, I need the financial lies to go away. In response to your question about success stories, my husband is doing fairly well, but that's thanks to Lexapro, an antidepressent. It's enough to raise his self confidence that he doesnt' feel the need to lie so much. I haven't caught him in a lie in two weeks, but you know how that goes. I just may have not caught him, he still could be lying. Listen, don't get too bummed that you guys had the blow up and he got so angry, it's going to happen. Hopefully it will start to happen less and less.

[ohiomom1234]

Need Understanding,

I'm sure you are going to get bombarded with questions from this forum. Help us out by giving us some examples of the things that you lie about and how you feel when your lying. Thank you for wanting to help!

[compulsiveliar]

It's mostly finances. Or that's where it started. I am the worst personal money manager in the world. It's weird because at work, I'm a VP and manage hundreds of thousands of dollars. But I spend on the personal side like I'm a millionaire, which I am not.

Update: All finances are now controlled by her. Makes her feel more confident of what we have, and I don't have to worry about that aspect of our lives that used to cause me HUGE stress.

Example 1 - I've lied about what I spent money on. Stupid stuff. DVD's. Games. Computers. Dinners. Lunches.
- She takes her lunch to work with her.

Example 2 - We have tried to get pregnant, but she is unable. So we've been going to an infertility center. For 10 days during the month, we have sex every night, and I need to take viagra after the second straight night. She found out I was taking viagra, and blamed herself. Instead of telling her, I just started lying and saying I wasn't. Too stupid.

Example 3 - I used to pay bills late, and tell her they were taken care of.

All of these are idiotic, but it was compulsive. I always felt a knot in my stomach when lying, but it was to calm the situation down. To stop her from getting angry and hateful, I'd just lie so that I didn't have to deal with her being upset. How stupid is that? How upset do you think she was when she found out we were broke?

I'm so stupid when it comes to our relationship. At work I'm a wiz. I've always excelled there.

I've got a lot of unresolved issues with my father. My mother and I lied to protect the family from his alcoholic wrath.

Anyway. Another post that's too long. Any specific questions?

[Guest]

Your posts are not too long, anything to help us understand is a huge help. How are you stopping yourself from lying. How would you recommend others stop? Do you lie to other people than your wife and have you been caught?

[LiedtoUK]

Hi All
So glad to have found this forum! I wish i had found it last year.........
Met my b/f two years ago, prior to that he was a good friend for 6 months. Within weeks of getting together the lies started (i now know). They have been big (he said he was dying of cancer) to small, and it has taken 2 years for everything to come out. How i have kept my sanity in this time i dont know. He has also had an abusive childhood, and probably started lying to escape the wrath of his father. I am so sorry to hear what you are all going thro too, there really should be an index for C Lying alone.
Finally, after 2 years, we went to the therapist last week! He is finally understanding how his past issues have affected the last few years. He and I have a long long way to go, but the last month has been good. For the first time, i feel there is hope, and can see how, although the things he has done, have been real bad, that the good person i was holding out for is finally standing up to be counted. I know i need help too, to deal with some of the resentment i feel.
Please never forget ladies (and gents who've been lied to) that you need support too. At times you have to put yourself, and your health and mental health first, as much as you love them. I have had to take time away from time to time, to regain my sanity and sense of perspective. You are not unitelligent, but compassionate and understanding. They are the ones with the problem - and, when things get tough for you, you need help. I know this is difficult, as like many of you, my friends and family just think im crazy for staying, and at times, there has been no one there to give me a reality check. They've had enough of the dramas, they've had enough of telling me to leave, their understanding has reached its limit, for, they dont love him, i do.
These forums are great for support. Another good one is psychforums.com who have a Compulsive lying forum.
I have learned so much over the last 2 years, and although did not think of myself as an unintelligent person before, perhaps had not had to deal with mental health issues, and the complexity of lying, and how it affects others and your own self-being.
If you want to help, then you must be strong, so look after yourselves also.

[compulsiveliar]

Your posts are not too long, anything to help us understand is a huge help. How are you stopping yourself from lying. How would you recommend others stop? Do you lie to other people than your wife and have you been caught?

I would love to say that I have stopped myself from lying, but I feel it's kind of like an alcoholic. Today I haven't lied, and yesterday I didn't lie, but tomorrow will be a new struggle. I'm doing this because I keep hurting the people I love. I lie to my mother, my brothers and sisters, and my wife. For some reason, I don't lie at work. My therapist says it's because I'm not emotionally invested with the people I work with, and I'm not looking for their love. It's "strictly business," as Michael Corleone would say.

It's so difficult to recommend how each person stops. It HAS TO BE BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. Having said that, they NEED TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES THEM REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!!!!! This is crucial. My wife figured out that the reason I lie is because growing up in an alcoholic family, my mother felt like she always had to protect me from my father's "irrational behavior." His anger and hatred was brutal. So I was taught that to keep someone's love, you had to protect yourself by not telling the truth. In a healthier family, you do something wrong, take responsibility, incur the wrath of whomever, and then it is over, and everyone still loves each other. I was never taught that. My father died before I got a chance to develop any other type of relationship with him.

So....today what I have learned was what "forgiveness," really means. I know it sounds stupid, but after 35 years, I'm only now learning what that means. It means no matter what you do, the people you love will still love you. They may not forget the hurts you have caused, but that will not stop their love for you.

I know that a lot of people on here are angry. And they have every right to be. If the relationship is physically destructive, or if children are being hurt, then I think removing yourself from the situation is crucial. However, if you are a strong person and truly LOVE the person who is lying, you can help.

First, the person has to be at such a low point that they have NO DEFENSES. This is the most difficult situation to make come about. The only way I can think of to get the person to this point is to expose all of the lies they are currently embroiled in. Let them know that you love them NO MATTER WHAT!!!! That all the charades need to be over, and to just come clean. If they are still defensive, then chances are there are still lies out there that you don't know about. The liar needs to be completely defenseless.

When you have the liar at this point, you have to find out if they WANT to change. This is necessary, but you'll find most liars WANT TO BE DIFFERENT!!! We don't want to be that liar that nobody can trust.

Then, you should go to counseling TOGETHER!!!! It's too easy for the liar to go into a therapists office and tell them the things they want the therapist to know, and leave out the outstanding lies that haven't come out yet. I've done this twice, and each time, I let the therapist know only what I wanted them to know.

Also, understand that this MAY BE LIKE STOPPING SMOKING!!! It's an awful addiction, and the liar MAY FAIL IN CHANGING a number of times before getting it right. And getting it right doesn't mean that you'll see this completely different person one day. They are going to have to struggle with it daily.

Lastly, understand something. You may not like the liar once they are being honest. It doesn't mean you can't still love them, but their honesty may be brutal at times. Mostly because they HAVE TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST TO GET BETTER. This means that if you ask them if a pair of pants makes you look fat, and they say, "yes," you should try not to show your anger at that.

This is a long process, and I would love to say that it is over for me. Unfortunately, each day the struggle just begins again. I pray a lot now. I pray for strength to be honest. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy all the time. How could a 35 year old professional act like such a child? It makes me feel pathetic.

Enough for now. I know you say that these aren't too long, but I also know that our attention spans have lessened, and anything longer than 15 minutes is going to cause many people to fall asleep.

I pray for all of you who are dealing with this. I LOVE YOU ALL ALSO. Only with love can you get the person to change, and make your life better.

[Guest]

It's so nice to have this side of the story. You are really becoming a big help in learning to deal with this situation. How does it make you feel when you are telling the truth and being second guessed. My husband gets really upset. I should be praising him for telling the truth, but instead I'm second guessing. It's got to be the same as an alcoholic not taking that drink and being questioned about it. Even though he understands why I'm second guessing, I'm sure it still hurts. Any recommendations?

[compulsiveliar]

Well, today I blew it. I bought a pack of cigarettes, and lied about it. We are getting ready to do IVF, and have both agreed not to smoke at all. When confronted whether I bought any, I flat out lied. Later when we went out to put gas in the car, I told her that I had cigarettes. Not because I just wanted to be honest, but because I knew she'd see them.

What a loser I am.

Advice on second-guessing him? You need to second-guess. It's so tough to do this, and any slip that he has needs to be caught. When he is telling the truth, and you second-guess him, he has to understand that he caused this lack of trust. Although it hurts him, he needs that reminder. Only contuing to be humble and penetant vigilantly can he change.

The real thing here is for you NOT TO FEEL GUILTY about second-guessing him. If he's telling the truth, then great. He'll start to feel better about himself, and eventually, after long enough of second-guessing and realizing he was telling the truth, you may be able to gain back some of that trust.

- It's going to be a long, long process.
- It's going to be filled with ups and downs....valleys and peaks.
- What you should do is when he does tell the truth about something, be sincere and thank him....regardless of whether what he did or said was right or wrong. I know it sounds childish, but in my situation, sometimes I'm going to have to be treated like a child.

So unfortunate. So sad. So pathetic. After today's incident, I feel like anything good I've accomplished recently has all been wiped away. And you know what? It has.

[Guest]

Don't think of it like that. I don't know the extent of your lies, but they were cigarettes. A lie is a lie sure, but I'm sure you lied about much worse things. It's going to take time, just like you said. Just like we can't expect miracles from you guys right away, you can't expect either. Kind of like a girl with chocolate. We say were going to give it up, but a few pieces sneek in now and then! Cheer up there mister! You feel guilty about the lie. Isn't that a good thing????

[liedtoUK]

Dont be so hard on yourself Compulsiveliar! Yo have made great strides and have a big understanding of this! Dont let it get you down, and it certainly doesnt wipe away all the good work you have done. Keep marching on, its a small slip on the mountain!
Keep up the good work!

[compulsiveliar]

Thanks guys, and your words helped.

I was feeling SOOOOO Good yesterday because I had a load of bricks off of my shoulders and I hadn't lied. As soon as I lied, it was like ALL of those bricks were back on.

But today's a new day, and I prayed on the drive in, and feel a bit better today.

I have to remember that that good feeling I have is all due to the honesty. Instead of trying to keep that good feeling going (which is what I was doing), I need to focus on not lying, which will keep that good feeling going.

If you guys have patience with the liar in your family, make that point stick. It's really important.

Today's a new day and I haven't lied. Day one starts all over again.

[azpowergirl]

Dear Needs Understanding,
I have to commend you for trying to get help, and actually trying to come to terms with your lying problem. I do believe that most of the liars mentioned in this column are not compulsive sociopaths like the man I was involved with is. As long as the soul searching you are doing is honest and you are being true to yourself, I believe that you will make it. Each day that finds you remaining honest will only strengthen you for the next one. PLEASE find it in your heart to stay strong, honest, and be the man that your wife fell in love with. Believe me, I know how hard it is to have the person you thought you knew shatter your world with made up stories and horrible deception. I only thank God now that I have found the strength to finally sue the monster for my $10k, and appreciate each day I wake up to an honest world that is not manipulated by a compulsive liar's sick disease.

[azpowergirl]

Hello again, all..
I forgot to give you this link: http://webhome.idirect.com/~imapita/howtolie.htm
Check it out: I'm sure we've all heard one or two of these lies...
Oh, and also....how many of you ever felt like you were losing your sanity after trying to make sense of a liar's tales? Do you think it's possible that the liar actually questions his/her sanity as well? And to you liars: Have you ever confused the lie with the real truth? I know that the sociopath I wasted my time with always claimed he would remember the truth and not the lie (when I caught him in a questionable position) but I have to wonder if he really knew the difference? It's a shame that some adults never take responsibility for their behavior, regardless of what their parents did to them as children. Dysfunctional families seem to be a common denominator with these liars...I guess we all need to figure out when enough is enough! If everyone would just get to the point of self-reflection, maybe they could make things right...I just don't think it's possible with the sociopathic ones. Kinda sad.

[Liedto UK]

Hi,
Yes i felt like i was losing my sanity - especially when they tell you youre hearing things! I nearly took myself off to my Doc and started to wonder if i was going crazy, and imagining some of these things - at least my CL did come clean a day later (on this recent occasion!) - but after two years of questioning my judgment, believing things, then finding out they were lies, believing lies about lies - not believing other things, then hearing the most awful truths, then more lies, more truths, being understanding, getting cross, giving ultimatums, breaking up, i really didnt know how else to deal with it anymore. My b/f has been the one to put a stop to it, as he saw what he was doing to me. He also didnt want to carry his life on that way. He also had a problem with alcohol, which he has now cracked. He has done the most awful things, and at times, had bad motives and self serving behaviour, he also had a bad childhood and i met him at a time, i believe, he had decided that all his good intentions for years had got him no-where, he felt used, abused, and so lashed out at the world. For the first year, that included me, until he knew me better. Taking responsibility is right. If we all lashed out like this everytime we got hurt in life, then the world would be a sorry place. Sociopaths dont really care about the trail of destruction they leave behind. From what i know of compulsive liars, they do care. Its more down to self-esteem and attention seeking - for love, or respect. There is a stark difference here. I guess the things my b/f did in the first 18 months, were very extreme, and not acceptable behaviour, but the difference is that he feels remorse for the things he has done, wants to put things right, and is ready to get help and get his life back on track. As to whether they question their own sanity, I would say at the time of doing these things, my b/f didnt, (some of this could be due to the alcohol)he just didnt care what happened to him, or anyone, but he has spent alot of time recently trying to understand why he did what he did. He doesnt have all the answers. I have had to walk away on 3 seperate occasions, 2 of these for a few months at a time, to get myself back on track, had i not had this time, i believe that i would have had some kind of breakdown. The last time we split, I was at a place where i knew enough was enough - so things had to change dramatically, and they have. I have realised that no-one can stop a liar lying, they have to want to do these things for themselves, and for a better life for themselves.