Curious wife

[splinkygb]

I think she realises she's getting older and so its a mixture of do other men find her attractive and that she want to try it out before she gets too old.

If you both agree to it, I don't see the harm as long as she does not become emotionally involved with the other guy!

[Omen]

i think its a stupid idea, if the other guy she gets with turns out to be a bit of a bed wizard then she might think youre some kind of let down and go out looking for even more experiences away from home.

[kathywets]

Deskdaddy

As others have suggested, there is no quick answer to this, regardless of which side one would take.

That said, in my opinion you should do as your heart and trust tells you. Personally I think you have responded with bravery and with an open mind to your wife. And maybe could even only your reaction to her be enough - you have shown her trust with your answer to her ("go get it out of your system"), indicating that you will not throw her out and that you also expect her to come back. By responding like this, you have shown her that there is space and trust in your relationship.

I may also add that it is not shocking that she thinks like she does. If she has only been with you through 30 years, it should not surprise anybody that she (and you yourself for that matter) should never, ever, in your entire life think about or be turned on by another person. We are not insensitive robots either.
What we do about it, is of course another matter.

Personally, I could never demand that my partner should never even think about another person - again, we are only humans. However, what I would demand from her is honesty. I may not like what she asked/told, but I would hope she had the decency and trust to do tell me.
To me, it would also be huge difference if she was "just" turned on by someone or if she had fallen in love with someone. In the first case, it is a matter of lust, while in the latter, it is a question of her heart.

And if her heart is not with us, with me - that is when I would worry.

Just my thoughts, Deskdaddy And remember, regardless of any advice, thoughts, we may have, only you know yourself. You should do what you think is right and from how you two know each other. Yes, it would maybe have been better if the question had never come up, but now it is there. Then it is important that you both handle it in a manner that resolves both her curiosity and saves your relationship (assuming you both want it to continue).

Smiles and best wishes,
Kathy

[mr incredible]

i've always been pretty open but i guess the fidelity is my cardinal rule.

upto you mind

[BrokenCastle]

What she's feeling is perfectly natural. However thinking about it and reality are two different things.

The fact she's confiding in you is great, it may also mean she already has her eye on someone.

I suggest you up the spice and fantasy side of your relationship. Let her pretend you are someone else. Or make love to her, have a quick shower, slip back in to bed and make love again in a different way...or watch some X rated vids together and make love while she watches other men on the screen.

Good luck anyway.

[Cambridge]

Allow me to suggest a radically different perspective. Your post is confirming of what I have always felt since my first wife died. Marriage was not meant to be. Homo sapiens were not meant to be monogamous. In all relationships, people tire of each other. There is no insult to you DskDad, but all marriages go south at some point.

After I was through with marriage I lived with a couple of women, each for a respectable amount of time. Eventually they started talking marriage and I said, ‘why? Neither of us want any more children.’ I found it was not a biological thing for them, but a status thing. In other words, they had so removed themselves from the essence of marriage that they just wanted the formality of it. I don’t know, just a big ring to show their girlfriends. More importantly, a guy willing to provide for their retirement. I was right to say no.

Now, you come from the other side. Since all marriages are just a formality, your wife longs for a biological connection. And of course she can get it, and then tire of that too. And if you go in that direction, you will eventually get tired, too. Marriage is an economic institution. Sex is just a utility. You married her because…wahoo…she gave you sex. She married you because it was a meal ticket. This was never love, FGS. Love is some hormonal state that means, I wanna have sex and more sex or I can uses sex to interest this guy. It never changes, no matter how long you stay married.

So what is that elusive “lasting marriage” that we idealize, but only half of all couples achieve? It’s called friendship. He marries her for whoopee and she was all impressed with his manly bearing (the hormonal part). But, she bears children and he sticks around and helps out. They grow and evolve. The kids grow up and achieve monumental goals—a Harvard grad and then an MBA and law degree from Harvard. The other one, a medical degree and now a great surgeon. And you look at the past, present and future and say, ‘Who me?’ You expect me to get my f***ing head turned for cheap thrills?' If your wife is looking, you’ve missed that enigmatic quality, friendship.

[ZiaAries]

If your wife is looking, you’ve missed friendship.

I think that is an unfair assumption. I would say that they are friends after 30 years of marriage and she is comfortable enough to be open about this and he is open enough to consider it. I give them both credit for the honesty even though I don't recommend going through with what they are considering. It's possible that they could be too much of friends that they should to concentrate on being lovers.

[Cambridge]

And I believe friendship is more substantial than love. If they have achieved friendship, there's no looking. Would you double-cross your lifelong gf(hetero, no I'm not suggesting anything), zia?

[ZiaAries]

And I believe friendship is more substantial than love. If they have achieved friendship, there's no looking. Would you double-cross your lifelong gf(hetero, no I'm not suggesting anything), zia?

No, I would not double cross nor deceive. But if I felt that I must or it was on my mind, I would hope to feel the comfort to reveal this to my partner. We could take it from there. I don't see any reason to feel that I would want another useless there were something lacking or unfulfilled in our marriage or relationship.

BTW, I like men very much. Just wanted to make that clear.

[BrokenCastle]

Allow me to suggest a radically different perspective. Your post is confirming of what I have always felt since my first wife died. Marriage was not meant to be. Homo sapiens were not meant to be monogamous. In all relationships, people tire of each other. There is no insult to you DskDad, but all marriages go south at some point.

After I was through with marriage I lived with a couple of women, each for a respectable amount of time. Eventually they started talking marriage and I said, ‘why? Neither of us want any more children.’ I found it was not a biological thing for them, but a status thing. In other words, they had so removed themselves from the essence of marriage that they just wanted the formality of it. I don’t know, just a big ring to show their girlfriends. More importantly, a guy willing to provide for their retirement. I was right to say no.

Now, you come from the other side. Since all marriages are just a formality, your wife longs for a biological connection. And of course she can get it, and then tire of that too. And if you go in that direction, you will eventually get tired, too. Marriage is an economic institution. Sex is just a utility. You married her because…wahoo…she gave you sex. She married you because it was a meal ticket. This was never love, FGS. Love is some hormonal state that means, I wanna have sex and more sex or I can uses sex to interest this guy. It never changes, no matter how long you stay married.

So what is that elusive “lasting marriage” that we idealize, but only half of all couples achieve? It’s called friendship. He marries her for whoopee and she was all impressed with his manly bearing (the hormonal part). But, she bears children and he sticks around and helps out. They grow and evolve. The kids grow up and achieve monumental goals—a Harvard grad and then an MBA and law degree from Harvard. The other one, a medical degree and now a great surgeon. And you look at the past, present and future and say, ‘Who me?’ You expect me to get my f***ing head turned for cheap thrills?' If your wife is looking, you’ve missed that enigmatic quality, friendship.

You said first wife, did you remarry after all?

All relationships are different, and people change as they grow older.

Young people want to have sex with everyone but are also very protective of partners they are fondest of. If a partner is also a great friend then marriage to that person is wonderful!

Then, the focus moves from sex to child rearing, and having a loving family around you is also totally wonderful, also it's the best nurturing environment for children to grow and develop.

But none of this is helping the original poster I guess...

[Cambridge]

Allow me to suggest a radically different perspective. Your post is confirming of what I have always felt since my first wife died. Marriage was not meant to be. Homo sapiens were not meant to be monogamous. In all relationships, people tire of each other. There is no insult to you DskDad, but all marriages go south at some point.

After I was through with marriage I lived with a couple of women, each for a respectable amount of time. Eventually they started talking marriage and I said, ‘why? Neither of us want any more children.’ I found it was not a biological thing for them, but a status thing. In other words, they had so removed themselves from the essence of marriage that they just wanted the formality of it. I don’t know, just a big ring to show their girlfriends. More importantly, a guy willing to provide for their retirement. I was right to say no.

Now, you come from the other side. Since all marriages are just a formality, your wife longs for a biological connection. And of course she can get it, and then tire of that too. And if you go in that direction, you will eventually get tired, too. Marriage is an economic institution. Sex is just a utility. You married her because…wahoo…she gave you sex. She married you because it was a meal ticket. This was never love, FGS. Love is some hormonal state that means, I wanna have sex and more sex or I can uses sex to interest this guy. It never changes, no matter how long you stay married.

So what is that elusive “lasting marriage” that we idealize, but only half of all couples achieve? It’s called friendship. He marries her for whoopee and she was all impressed with his manly bearing (the hormonal part). But, she bears children and he sticks around and helps out. They grow and evolve. The kids grow up and achieve monumental goals—a Harvard grad and then an MBA and law degree from Harvard. The other one, a medical degree and now a great surgeon. And you look at the past, present and future and say, ‘Who me?’ You expect me to get my f***ing head turned for cheap thrills?' If your wife is looking, you’ve missed that enigmatic quality, friendship.

You said first wife, did you remarry after all?

All relationships are different, and people change as they grow older.

Young people want to have sex with everyone but are also very protective of partners they are fondest of. If a partner is also a great friend then marriage to that person is wonderful!

Then, the focus moves from sex to child rearing, and having a loving family around you is also totally wonderful, also it's the best nurturing environment for children to grow and develop.

But none of this is helping the original poster I guess...

I think you have contributed quite brilliantly, Broken Castle (BC).

You said first wife, did you remarry after all?

Yes. And that is why I believe that after your first marriage, the second and the third don’t work. It’s borne out in the statistics. First marriage: 50% chance. Second marriage: 25% chance. Third marriage: 10% chance. And the reason is that you make friends in your youth. As you grow older you become a bit jaundiced, and worry a bit more about your fortune, whatever that may be.

All relationships are different, and people change as they grow older.

Yes, but generalities may be made. These generalities are found in the statistics.

Young people want to have sex with everyone but are also very protective of partners they are fondest of. If a partner is also a great friend then marriage to that person is wonderful!

That is my point about first marriages. Even if the partner is not previously a great friend, you have a great opportunity to gain a great friend. When you’re young, you can grow into relationships. Older…well, it’s tough.

Then, the focus moves from sex to child rearing, and having a loving family around you is also totally wonderful, also it's the best nurturing environment for children to grow and develop.

But it doesn’t start with the child rearing period. You have to have something before. That is my point. You can’t start with obligations. You have to start with a loving willingness to enter into obligations

But none of this is helping the original poster I guess...

Maybe not, but I think you have contributed mightily to the ideas expressed. Good job.

[wildchild]

Have I heard this thread before? What…you ask for advice but you don’t want it? Forgive me for going against the trend of free-sex and unconfined sexually transmitted diseases, but I couldn’t agree with zia more.

Someone has to stick up for the marriage bed, and I guess I'm that guy. Don’t let anyone into the marriage bed, or expect an 80-20 chance to be single within the next year.

+1

[wildchild]

i posted this the first time when you decided to listen to Anne_41. i had another person brought into our "stable" relationship-i left my husband for that person i never expected to have feelings like i did have. i am still with the other person. it wrecked my marriage you still wanna take the risk?

[splinkygb]

WildChild: would you do it again though?

[FMJ]

I think she realises she's getting older and so its a mixture of do other men find her attractive and that she want to try it out before she gets too old.!

Nail on the head!!!

I have had several affairs with very happily married 50 somethings who are quietly despairing of the fact that their children are grown and are now independent/left or leaving home, but their husband is still calling her 'mother'!!

These guys have no idea how the poor women feel, they're still very attractive and want to be fancied and lusted after by the guy they married. They enjoy sex more than they did when they were younger because they're more relaxed, but hubbys not interested unless its a Saturday night!

For guys like me with the place and the time, it doesn't take much to take advantage of this. Married ladies are WAY better liars than guys and can quite easily separate this and their home life.

Example.. Lady asks me about light switches in B&Q one Saturday, we chat, and I tell her that I live nearby and am renovating a flat (..which I was).. She comments how wonderful it must be to be able to do that, as her husband is useless at diy.. I invite her to view what I have done, she accepts, we have coffee and eventually I F*** her, ..we swap phone numbers and have an ad hoc affair!!!

Guys.... where does your wife go when your at the football match or playing golf????