My Dad Is Cheating On My Mom, Please Help!

[msvb21]

My dad had an affair with my mother's best friend and it ended in a divorce of two marriages both 25 years long. Out of it my brother and i were left with no help or any sense of sanity. My mom has tried to get help over and over again and she still hasnt found what she need. But my question is more about kids.. I have been in a 2 year relationship now and i still feel as though i will never be able to trust a man. My boyfriend has never given me a reason to doubt him but everytime he is out with the guys i ache inside and get the worst feeling in my stomach. I never tell him he can't go out or anything like that b/c i do trust him to a point, but my question is how do i ever get past my dad cheating and not punishing my boyfriend for it. I am thinking of marrying this man but i can't imagine doing that till i get past it

[Guest]

My dad and his friend are always together and I once snuck up behind him when he was talking to her and it said that he will call her and other stuff. They are alwyas out together and me and my mom are left home and it is really making me mad . I am only 12 years old and i dont kno what to do. I dont want them to split up or anything and if i talk to him about it he will yell at me and curse at me and ask me what i am talking about.



If u have any advice please, please, please, IM me on foxracegurl4life

[Guest]

Talk to your dad. Both of you.

[Guest]

my mom was crying I feel terrible they thought I was sleep one day and I heard them Im spying on them 2 he lives in gorgia so they talk on the phone they think i don't whats going on how can i tell i know whats going on

[Thunderstrike]

I also have a need to talk. I haven't seen this forum until literally just right now, when doing a google search about what to do when your father is cheating on your mother. I hope this isn't too long, but I know it will be.....

My mother started noticing odd things around September 2004 or so. My dad would be on the computer, and every time she walked in the room, he would quickly close everything down and pretend he was doing something else (he played euchre on a card site). So she told me.

I brought up the idea of bugging the family computer with a keylogger (it's a small spyware thing that logs all keystrokes etc.) We noticed that he seemed to have the same partner in the card games a lot of the time and that he was having "whispers" (private messages) with her.

After a couple weeks of this, my mother confronted my father about it, and they had a long talk. He promised that he would stop going to the card site and stop talking to her. And he did send her an email saying he wanted to break off communications with her.

The very next day, he sent her an email APOLOGIZING for that one, and that he didn't mean it, and he didn't want to break off communication. After a couple more weeks of this, she confronted him again. This time he got mad and made threats to get rid of the internet completely (but it never happened, how else would he be able to do this?)

After that, he continued on for a week or so and then sent her a more definitive email telling her that he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. How he has to do what is right for him and for his wife. He said that my mother has a prolem (which is a crock) but that he loves her and they are working through a difficult period.

The miserable tramp sends him back an email saying that "I need you in my life" (remember, they've had no contact other than _... she lives in British Columbia, we in Ontario) and that she's having problems with her marriage too, etc.

After a couple weeks of no email, they got right back into it and after two confrontations about it, my dad is still playing cards with this same tramp, and still closes everything down when my mother is around.

It is obvious we cannot talk to him as in his mind, he isn't doing anything wrong. He is one of these people that, in his mind, can do no wrong. He obviously has not stoipped to think about what his family is going to think about him. Or he has, and just doesn't care. This little e-fantasy of his seems to mean more to him than his real family.

Since two confrontations have been had and both of them didn't work, what would be a good idea right now?

[shyone]

tonksie
I thought I was the only one who had this problem about 11 years ago I started to suspect my dad cheating on my mom due to a phone conversation I over heard , things faded until recently my mom found a few accesories in my dads car that were not for her if you get what i mean , she questioned him but he played it off very well I never told her but I did tell my sister but nothing ever came of it. but again tonight my dad did not know I was there and I heard another suspicious conversation . the question is do we tell our moms or do we just let it slide. I dont know. I am looking for advice also. good luck .

shyone[/img]

[michelley231]

i think my dad is cheating on my mom. I would hear him on the phone saying i have brown hair brown eyes, im 5'4. Then he tells them what he likes. Then they will call his cell and leave a voice message. i stole his cell once but he good, and deletes the messages. and when he uses the home phone to call them, he dials the number then hangs up and dials some random numbers. I dont want to say anything to my mom until i have prof in my hand. I want to follow him but its hard cuz hes good. he says hes going to the firehouse, and it takes about 45 mintues to get there. one time he left for the firehouse around 1pm and return at 11 30.. i called the firehouse since im freinds with alot of guys down there and they said my dad left around 6ish. i asked my dad what happen at the firehouse. He said we were battling a fire from 5 to 9!! and right then and there i knew so i been watching him. WHAT EVER YOU DO DONT SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE ABOUT WHAT U THINK YOUR PARENTS ARE DOING UNTIL YOU HAVE PROF IN YOUR HAND AND U CAN BACK IT UP WITH MORE!! TAKE PICTURES GET PHONE # HE DIAL OR VIDEO CAMERA AND ASK PPLS YOUR COOL WITH TO WATCH HIM AT WORK. Watch him when your at a store and a HOTT mom walks by see if he watches her walk by or not. its many signs you never know. I been thinking my dad has been cheating on my mom since i was 7!! but i never found anything good worth wild. but when i do my dad is out of this house, i tell him to live with one of his HOES!

[hurt]

This is to shyone who asked if you should tell your mum's what you'd found out about your fathers. I'm nineteen and was recently in a similar situation, where I had put two and two together and found out my dad was cheating on my mum. I chose not to confront my dad about it and told my mum about his cheating, and all the evidence that I had (no pictures and hard evidence like that, just obvious connect-the-dots type stuff). She didn't confront him on it right away either, but chose to do a little research herself first. Sure enough, she found enough to eventually confront him and he confessed. But now, because my mum knows, he doesn't try to hide it anymore. He'll stay out all night until 5 or 6 in the morning, and sometimes not even come home at all for a few days straight. He doesn't spend any time with us kids anymore because every spare moment is with his mistress. I feel horribly guilty for telling my mum about his cheating because now he doesn't even try to pretend he still wants to be in our family. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't tell my mum because it just wrecked everything. Even if his "love" was fake, he was still around in the evenings to be a father and spend time with us, and I miss that.

[naughtybutnice]

I just wanted to say Hi to all of the people who think one of their parents are having an affair.
I wont give you all of the details, but in Apr 99 (a month before my Uni Finals) my sister overheard a voicemail on my dad's phone (another long story) and it was pretty obvious he was having an affair. That may, he went on Hocky tour without his wedding ring, in The summer I went on holiday with my Mum, Dad and aunt and the whole time I knew what he was up to.. going off to make secret phonecalls and stuff... Not only that but they had the most almighty row, my mum was in floods of tears and when I asked if she would ever leave my dad, she said she never would.
Later in the year he and my Mum went away for a week and the evening he got back he had to 'go to work' for a project being delivered on Monday (except the letter had been written by the other woman!)
In the Nov my Dad bought my mum a brand new car (a guilt thing, obviously) and Christmas.. well that was just horrific!

On the 30th Jan 9 1/2 months later my sister and myself finally confronted my dad. There'd been rows and my dad lost it with me and my younger sis. We waited until my Mum was dozing on the sofa then called him up to his bedroom. I was visibly vibrating (as opposed to just shaking with fear lol) and when I said 'we know you are having an affair' I have never seen anyone go as pale or have their jaw hit the floor. (ooh.. by this point they had been spotted out together and stuff so when he tried to call our bluff, we had him over a barrel). We told him it was up to him to decide what he anted and we'd give him time to think about it and then decide what he wanted, but that evening he told my mum backed his bags and left.

I ended up with an anorexic/ drug dependent sister for 5 years and an alcoholic mother. Even though I was 22, it was a massive burden and after I split up with my ex (at the time) I moved back home to support my mum and sis. I basically gave up my life for years for my family and built up so much resentment inside.

Due to my Sisters Anorexia, we ended up having Family therapy and it helped so much. It made us all talk together (don't get me wrong, It was hard work!) and things still aren't easy.

My sister is clean now.. she's getting over the e/d and has been off coke since Sep last year. My Mum still drinks though. I think partly becasue of the guilt she feels over my sisters illness and the fact that she feels a failure for not keeping her family together.
In addition though, my dad has her emotionally bound. They obviously split in 2000, but after 9/11 whenm my Dad was on business in the US, they decided to give things another go. He dumped her a few months later though. They got back together again and he dumped her for a third time (I was seething) but It's not easy living with an alcoholic! I know she lives with it in the back of her mind that he could do it again any time.

Now my parents don't live together, but they are still married and still have a relationship. My Mum stays at my dad's one night a week and then they are either at ours in the suburbs at the weekend or in his londin flat. They holiday together and life is pretty much a million times better than it has ever been. I even (finally) moved back out from home last month, and what with my sis getting her life back together too, I hjave finally forgiven my Dad for everyting as it's turned out relatively ok in the end.

I think that the sh*t may well hit the fan when my dad retires, but that's for them to sort out.

I definately dont think that me and my Sis being in the middle helped things, but I'm glad looking back I stood up to my once so domineering father.

I don't think saying something to yuour adulterous parents is always the right way to go but we were left with little alternative and it's taken nearly six year of sh*t day in day out to get here.

I wish each and everyone of you the best of luck. You'll know what the right thing to do is when the time comes. You can't do any more than be supportive and give what you can,. but don't sacrifice your own happiness.

They are afterall grownups even though they can still act like children!!

If anyone is strugling and wants to PM me.. feel free and I will do what I can.

Big hugs and loads of love xx

[marijne420]

:( ....WELL ILL PUT IN SHORT WORD HOW I FEEL...MY FATHER FROM THE BEGINNING NEVER SHOWED TO MUCH AFFECTION OR TIME FOR ME AND MY BROTHER BUT IF WE NEEDED ANYTHINGS IT WAS PROVIDED....I HAVE A HALF BROTHER THAT I KNEW FROM A YOUNG AGE ,WHEN I WAS OLD ENOUGH I UNDERSTOOD THAT MY FATHER HAD CHEATED ON MY MOTHER AND THATS HOW I HAD THIS BROTHER I LEARNED TO LOVE...WELL WERE ALL GROWN UP NOW AND ABOUT 4YRS AGO I HEARD MY FATHER WAS CHEATING...LATER I FOUND OUT FOR MYSELF THE TRUTH..WHEN I MYSELF SAW HIM IN HER APARTMENT...I BLEW UP BROKE HIS CAR WINDOW...BROKE DOWN CRYING....CRIED TO HIM ,EXPLAINED WITH TEARS..MY PAIN...AND DISAPPOINTMENT..I KNOW NO ONES PERFECT..BUT OUR FAMILY WAS CLOSE ENOUGH....AND NOW AGAIN A COUPLE YEARS HAVE GONE AND AGAIN...MY MOM THIS TIME FIND HIS VAN PARKED HIDDEN IN HER YARD.....IM NUMB..I CANT BELEIVE IT...I FEEL SO BETRAYED AS IF I WERE MY MOM...IM SHATTERED...DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL...HAVE NO WORDS......JUST HURT INSIDE.

[bialy]

I'm so sorry for all the children of adulterous parents. If only those parents could understand what it does to the children they profess to love with all their hearts when they treat their spouse like dirt under their feet.

All I can say is to be there for your moms. She is going through the hardest thing in the world. Even if she doesn't know the particulars of the affair, she is hurting. You always know something is not right and struggle to work on the marriage, but it's impossible as long as the person she trusts and loves most in the world lies and deceives her, sometimes for years and years.

I would say, tell your mom (or your dad, if the situation is reversed.) It will cause a lot of pain, but it will release them. It will give them a fair chance to make a decision to stay or go. It's not fair that one parent tries to make things right while the other plays and strays. A marriage CAN absolutely heal from infidelity, but it will take time. Sometimes the only course is to get "caught" and deal with what comes next, because the man (or woman) who is sleeping with someone else is in a fog and has to be hit upside the head before he/she wakes up.

I pray for you all. I know this is hard.

I know.

[CaliMom1]

Well said Bialy. It breaks my heart to read all these posts. My kids didn't know at the time that their father was sleeping around with these sluts, but they do now. They knew something was wrong all those years between us and would see me crying and being miserable. Now they see the struggle it is to try to heal from it all, but they see a new man in their father.

There is hope. People do change. But shoving it all under the carpet doesn't work. It takes communication and honesty...and that can be so hard.

I know some of these posts are rather old, but I hope that things are getting better for everyone. I sent this thread to my husband. We talked about how painful this is for the kids. Maybe that's not a bad idea... send the thread to your father and let him get a clue. I think if my husband knew how much he was hurting his children during his affairs, it would have made a difference in all of our lives.

[sad daughter]

I just recently found out that my father is cheating on my mother. Both my mother and I suspected it but we didnt realy have proof of it.He went to virginia on Friday with my mom and I knew that they were coming back on Sunday, I just didnt know what time, so I called my father and his answer machine came out, ( to tell you the truth I dont know what made me do it) but i put in his last 4 digits of his s.s. and that was the code. This lady left a message saying how much she loved him and how she cant wait to see him especially when it came to the weekend and to have fun on his trip, Im guessing that the lady didnt know that he was married because why would she say have fun on your trip, In a calm way. When they came back on Sunday I waited for them at their house and as soon as I got a few seconds alone I told my mother, I counldnt hold it in any longer. She didnt seem shocked at all , because she suspected it. I believe my father is going through mid life crisis hes 58 but looks like if hes 40 years old whos just bought a brand new bmw and tries to dress young.I confronted my father and he denied it to my face saying that he didnt now what I was talking about, so I let him hear the message that I recorded on my phone and he still denied it, so I called his phone and told him not to answer his phone and behold there the message was. He didnt know what to say except why are going through my stuff it private and to mind my own buisness. I told him that thats my mother and if it was the other way around I would tell him to.I stormed out of his house and havent spoken to him since. I feel bad for my mother and my father I dont like to fight with him beacuse my relationship with my father is stronger than what it is with my mother. I just feel extremely awful about the fight and Im upset with him for betraying the family. Im staying out of the situtaion because its up my mother and father now .I just want things back to normal. any suggestions I will appreciate it.

[Guest]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your mom has known about the affair or she might have acted a little different. Sometimes, for whatever reason, women stay in the marriage and hope that the husband moves on. I could never do that, and I don't understand how it can happen, but it does. (Have you seen that new show "Brothers and Sisters" on tv? Sally Field's husband just died, she knew about the affair but loved him so much she stayed? I don't know if he knew that she knew. The kids are just now finding out and they are in their 20's and 30's. They are devastated and trying to deal with the shock of knowing what their father was. They're also very confused.)

Anyway, you need to be there for your mom. Now she knows that you know. It's up to her and your dad now to figure out what happens from here. Your dad will get over it. Maybe he'll even wake up and come out of the fog he is in since the daugher he loves knows what he is now.

As for that woman, "have fun on your trip" means just that. The other woman knows about your mother. She is a slut settling for the sloppy seconds that comes with being the O T. If it bothered her, she would get out. I would go see her. Or call her and tell her to stay away from your family. Shake her little ivory tower up a bit. I know that sounds radical, but if there is the slightest possibility that she didn't know (it did happen to another of our posters here) then she is an innocent also that needs to know the truth, don't you think?

Your dad, he would do the same thing if he found out the father he respected was screwing around on the mother he loved.

[sad daughter]

Since I let my father know that I knew about the affair he hasn't even called me and he would always call me once a day. I wonder if he's upset at me or upset that I found out about his little secret. My grand-mother and my mother do not get along whatsoever so my mother believes that she knew about it and didnt tell her, but my grandmother says that if she would have known anything that she would tell her. My mother told her that she wouldnt because thats her son and she would do anything to protect him, besides she doesnt even like my mother.One time my grandmother put pictures of my dads ex girlfriend scatterd all over there bed.My grandmothers husband which is my fathers father had so many affairs that to tell you the truth my grandmother believes that its ok. I dont know what to do there is so much drama in my house that I wouldnt be able to take it. Thank God that my mother is strong.My dad is still denying it and to the truth Im not holding my breath for him to tell me that he was having an affair, I know what I heard on his voicemail. I just wish that my father would at least have the decentcy to call me. Thanx for your suggestions I appreciate it.