My Dad Is Cheating On My Mom, Please Help!

[Guest]

SD, my heart is breaking for you. Listen girl, don't hold your breath waiting for your dad to talk about this. There are a FEW men out there that could share feelings like that, but not many, especially when he did something so hurtful. By the sounds of it, you've made it perfectly clear that you know. Your mom knows. Now it's up to you to love your mom with every ounce you can muster and step back.

No matter what happened between your parents, you are still the daughter they love. Your dad loves you and is probably devastated that he has hurt you. My husband cheated on me for years and my children found out. We talk about this a lot and he is just now realizing how hurtful his actions were to the children. It hurts to see your mom hurting when things are not right in her relationship and she can't figure out what is going wrong. It hurts to see her cry. It hurts to have your father tell you he is going somewhere when in actuality they are running off to their other woman. Everyone has answers now as to why things were so screwed up for so long. Everyone is hurting. But, never once did my husband stop loving or caring for his kids. He was in a fog, and now it's clear.

You could try writing your father a letter and tell him how you are feeling. You don't have to accuse him of anything... it's already apparent that you know what he did, no matter how many times he denies it. (I had an email with her address, his address, his reply to her... and he STILL denied it for at least 2 weeks. It was ludicrous) Tell him you love him and how you feel and how you will be there for he and your mom. He's an adult, let him take it from there. If he never says anything about it but begins talking to you again, let it go. (I know... easy for ME to say, isn't it?)
My husband sat all of my kids down and in a tear filled afternoon, apologized for the years of deceit. This was after a lot of counseling though. Very hard for all of us, but it was a good thing in the end. The kids don't speak of it anymore, but they see us trying to heal and talk.

[eva]

Sad Daughter, are you still around? How are things going with your mom and dad and YOU especially?

[AussieAdam]

I am 35 y/o who have parents that have been married for almost 40yrs. As of last summer, i started suspecting that my dad was cheating on a woman who attends our church. We all used to be the "happy family that anyone could ask for. Unfortunately, 5yrs ago, my mother suffered a stroke that affected her moods, and physical abilities. After that, things starting going downhill. My parents constantly argued alot, and did'nt seem to get along. My mother yrs ago, caught my dad talking to his "lady friend' from church. He denies the call being anything personal. Over the next several years, my mom grew in a deep depression, and my sister and i could'nt fiqure out why. We had to hospitalize her several times for depression. After doing a lot of thinking, I found out where this "woman friend" lived, and decided to ride by her house one night. My worst suspicion came true. Sure enough, my father's car was seen parked behind her house one evening, on a night when my mom was in the hospital. My sister and i have been in distraught ever since. Today, my father lies all the time about his whereabouts, but i know where is really is. The problem is, my mom is now in a nursing home, and still has severe depression. We are praying that she pulls out of it, and she never mentions my father seeing anyone. Part of me feels that deep down, she knows what's going on and is keeping it inside causing her depression, but nevers mentions her feelings to my sister and i. I too, have lost all respect for my father. amd feel lots of hatred towards him. I'm scared to confront him, because, i'm afraid that it will blow our family apart if the truth comes out. I want so desparetley to keep our family together, but on the other hand, i can't seem to hold my anger in much longer. i'm also scared what this would do to my mom if she knew everything. She seems to be getting better right now, and i'm afraid of letting out the truth, that could make her sink further in depression. My father has NO IDEA what me and my sister know. What should i do? How do i handle this? This is eating my alive. Any advice would be appreciated. All i want is to try to hold my family together, but don't know how much longer i can hold this in. Please help!
Troubled daughter in SC

Your THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD Why should you think about letting your mum know? How do you know its a full blown affair. Your father admits to a relationship with this other lady. Maybe at his age with his wife being ill for several years he has taken to enjoying the company of another female. How do you know what stress he has been under caring for his five who you say has been ill for five years.

Would you rather your dad have NO friends or can he only have male friends. Does having regular chats with a female mean he is hopping in and out bed.with someone - I assume he is late 60s at least.

Please tell me you dont live at home do you. If you do I bet the poor bloke is having every flipping minute of his day monitored. At Thirty Five dont you think you should concentrate on your own life, give your dad some support and ok even ask him why he feels the need to talk to another female other than you......But then maybe you wont like the answer

[AussieAdam]

I am 35 y/o who have parents that have been married for almost 40yrs. As of last summer, i started suspecting that my dad was cheating on a woman who attends our church. We all used to be the "happy family that anyone could ask for. Unfortunately, 5yrs ago, my mother suffered a stroke that affected her moods, and physical abilities. After that, things starting going downhill. My parents constantly argued alot, and did'nt seem to get along. My mother yrs ago, caught my dad talking to his "lady friend' from church. He denies the call being anything personal. Over the next several years, my mom grew in a deep depression, and my sister and i could'nt fiqure out why. We had to hospitalize her several times for depression. After doing a lot of thinking, I found out where this "woman friend" lived, and decided to ride by her house one night. My worst suspicion came true. Sure enough, my father's car was seen parked behind her house one evening, on a night when my mom was in the hospital. My sister and i have been in distraught ever since. Today, my father lies all the time about his whereabouts, but i know where is really is. The problem is, my mom is now in a nursing home, and still has severe depression. We are praying that she pulls out of it, and she never mentions my father seeing anyone. Part of me feels that deep down, she knows what's going on and is keeping it inside causing her depression, but nevers mentions her feelings to my sister and i. I too, have lost all respect for my father. amd feel lots of hatred towards him. I'm scared to confront him, because, i'm afraid that it will blow our family apart if the truth comes out. I want so desparetley to keep our family together, but on the other hand, i can't seem to hold my anger in much longer. i'm also scared what this would do to my mom if she knew everything. She seems to be getting better right now, and i'm afraid of letting out the truth, that could make her sink further in depression. My father has NO IDEA what me and my sister know. What should i do? How do i handle this? This is eating my alive. Any advice would be appreciated. All i want is to try to hold my family together, but don't know how much longer i can hold this in. Please help!
Troubled daughter in SC

Your THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD Why should you think about letting your mum know? How do you know its a full blown affair. Your father admits to a relationship with this other lady. Maybe at his age with his wife being ill for several years he has taken to enjoying the company of another female. How do you know what stress he has been under caring for his wife who you say has been ill for five years.

Would you rather your dad have NO friends or can he only have male friends. Does having regular chats with a female mean he is hopping in and out bed.with someone, I have several female friends, One I see regularly and thats ALL they are - Even IF by some chance there is more than a platonic relationship going on. Then, just maybe she is meeting a need your mum knows she cant do herself. Its not your business and its not fair to lay the blame for your mums ill health on him.

Please tell me you dont live at home do you. If you do I bet the poor bloke is having every flipping minute of his day monitored. At Thirty Five dont you think you should concentrate on your own life, give your dad some support and ok even ask him why he feels the need to talk to another female other than you......But then maybe you wont like the answer he gives you.

[eva]

Troubled Daughter, I totally understand how you feel because I too had a mother with a disease, MS, that put her in a wheelchair when I was 13, and then in and out of nursing homes until she stayed in one when I was 17. There was no secret that my mother was depressed and my father was miserable. MISERABLE. I loved them both so much, and at my young age, all I wanted was for them to stay married and not be DIVORCED. By the time I was 21, my father was living with a woman. It was VERY hard to visit him because my mom was in the nursing home in the same city. He would visit her once a week where they would sit across from each other and say nothing. I guess I knew that my mother was so angry and depressed all the time that she didn't feel much love for him anymore. He only went to see her because he was still her husband and responsible for her. When I was 30, my mother died from pneumonia complications. My father married that other woman 6 months later.

I never begrudged my father the companionship and love. He was still strong and healthy and deserved to be loved. My mother couldn't do that for him, couldn't or didn't want to. I will never know for sure. The whole situation was sad.

Being 35 or 13... it doesn't matter. These are your parents and it will always be hard. I am one on this board that sees no "valid" reason for affairs whatsoever. I believe that a wayward spouse has the moral obligation as a decent human being to let the betrayed spouse know that he is not happy at home and will be moving on, freeing that man or woman they had committed to from hoping and praying to work things out, to move on in their own life and have a chance to find happiness with a more honest and trustworthy person.... but I'm baffled by this one. Here is one of those situations that is the exception. It's not like your dad can just TELL your mother he is involved with another woman and leave her in this condition. I understand that, and so does he, and somewhere inside, you do too.

Maybe? your father needs an adult to talk to about this. Maybe if you confronted him with your feelings, he will share his with you. My father didn't like to talk about it, and expected me to just accept this woman into my life. When she died, I saw the pain in my father. Now he is gone too. He knew how I felt about my mother, his new wife and his lifestyle. My father was always a devout Catholic. When he took on this woman, he left the church and felt guilty and ashamed for the rest of his life. It was hard for him. Hard for my mom. Hard for me....

If it were a normal situation, I would say tell your mother, but it doesn't sound like she could handle that right now as finding out about betrayal knocks the wind right out of you. Consider talking to your dad, just so he knows you know... could that be a possibility for you?

You are in a hard place right now. I will be thinking about you. Stay strong.

[AllieEH]

My sister and I one day saw one of my moms emails up on her computer. It looked really suspicious so later we snuck on an looked at more. it turned out that she was cheating with one of the guys she works with. I want to confront her about it but dont know how to go about it since we found out while snooping. Someone please help.

[Guest]

Your mom doesn't deserve her privacy and the last thing she should worry about now is how you girls found out. Tell her you know, and tell her she has to tell your dad and let them deal with it from there. She has no right to make her children bear this alone. She's wrong, and you did nothing wrong. Stand by your parents ... this is going to be rough but they CAN heal if only your mom comes clean.

If it's too hard to face her, write her an email or something. Send her this link or copy the thread into the letter. It will show her how hard infidelity is on her family.

[55kitkat55]

i found out recently my dads cheating on my mum and i hav no clue what i shud do! im the only one who knows and im only 12
i try to forget about it but i cant, hes also been searching for nude girls on the internet. i cnt help crying and i dnt want to talk to my dad. i hate him now. plz i relli need help! plz if u hav any advice email me Katrina_B_4@hotmail.com

[Guest]

i found out recently my dads cheating on my mum and i hav no clue what i shud do! im the only one who knows and im only 12
i try to forget about it but i cant, hes also been searching for nude girls on the internet. i cnt help crying and i dnt want to talk to my dad. i hate him now. plz i relli need help! plz if u hav any advice email me Katrina_B_4 (at) hotmail.com

Tell your mother! Stop the crying and tell her. What 'help' do you think you are going to get? A wizard to put it back as it was?

Tell your mother and stop being so silly.

[eva]

Tell your mother! Stop the crying and tell her. What 'help' do you think you are going to get? A wizard to put it back as it was?

Tell your mother and stop being so silly.

That was pretty harsh "guest". Maybe you should remember that you are talking to a 12 year old here and have a little compassion.

[Guest]

Tell your mother! Stop the crying and tell her. What 'help' do you think you are going to get? A wizard to put it back as it was?

Tell your mother and stop being so silly.

That was pretty harsh "guest". Maybe you should remember that you are talking to a 12 year old here and have a little compassion.

Well sorry, but the facts remain - what else can be done? The answer to that is nothing else can be done. There is only one option, its not nice, but crying isn't going to help. As for only being 12, well, shes old enough to understand and know what she has to do.

I know its not nice, and fair point it was a bit harsh - but what else can you say? It has to be done. There is no other magic option.

[Guest]

I hope you don't plan on going into counseling any time soon.

[Guest]

I hope you don't plan on going into counseling any time soon.

OK then, know-it-all, whats your magic advice?

Lets see how its better.

Come on, dont delay - you think you know better so please enlighten us.

[Guest]

KitKat, I hope that you've worked things out a bit. This is hard. If you read this thread, you'll find the advice is pretty much the same. (It's just that some people deliver it from a garbage truck. I hope the apology was sincere. Perhaps that person never had anyone that cared about his or her feelings when young and thinks that response is justified to a kid that's hurting. Hard to say.)

I hope you found a way to let your mom know. My husband was cheating on me. If one of my children found out and had let him know they knew, he would have come forward a long time ago to take that burden off of his child. Nobody deserves to go through having to protect a cheater, much less a kid having to live a lie for a parent. I honestly believe that would be the worst thing you could do to your child. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

[Guest]

KitKat, I hope that you've worked things out a bit. This is hard. If you read this thread, you'll find the advice is pretty much the same. (It's just that some people deliver it from a garbage truck. I hope the apology was sincere. Perhaps that person never had anyone that cared about his or her feelings when young and thinks that response is justified to a kid that's hurting. Hard to say.)

I hope you found a way to let your mom know. My husband was cheating on me. If one of my children found out and had let him know they knew, he would have come forward a long time ago to take that burden off of his child. Nobody deserves to go through having to protect a cheater, much less a kid having to live a lie for a parent. I honestly believe that would be the worst thing you could do to your child. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Your advice is different from mine how exactly?

There is no point in sugar-coating the situation or wrapping it up in ribbons. The situation will still be the same and so will the pain and fallout of the situation.

There is no easy solution to it, but crying about the situation isnt going to do any good is it? Of course its not.

And 12 year old or not, it is rather silly for someone of that age to think that there is any magic solution to put things right.

Truth be told, the only reason the kid is posting here is

not

because she wants to make a decision, but because she has already

made

the decison,

and doesn't like it.

From that perspective, I think its silly. Sure it hurts, but goodness me - what else can be done?

By the way - I know what I'm talking about here, young or otherwise.