My daughter doesn't want to grow up

[Persaphalla]

I have a girl of 16 who is bright and intelligent and great to have around but who simply doesn't want to grow up. She still insists on playing with her dolls and taking them to bed, using a skipping rope, and playing with her six year old sister and other much younger children.

She has no interest in boys or mixing with girls of her own age. She even prefers wearing clothes more suitable to an eight year old such as childlike dresses, white socks, strap shoes, and hair ribbons. She is not well developed and refuses to wear a bra insisting on a loose vest which makes her look completely flat chested.

This all started about a year ago for no apparent reason. I have tried to persuade her to dress and act more like a girl of her own age but she throws a childish tantrum if she cannot get her own way.

Any advice would be welcome.

[Guest]

This all started about a year ago for no apparent reason.

How did your daughter act and dress before this all started? Did she have friends her own age? At 14 and 15 was she at all interested in boys? Did she dress appropriately for her age?

If she acted like a typical young teenager until a year ago, something must have happened to cause such a change in her personality. It could have been something that happened to her, a friendship that went bad, or possibly a medical problem.

Have you asked your daugher why she has changed so much in the last year? If she does not want to talk about it, my first suggestion would be to have her doctor give her a complete physical examination to see if there is any medical cause for the change. If there is no medical reason, my next suggestion would be to talk with her counselor at school. They may have dealt with a problem like this before and can offer you some advice.

[Impartial]

I am slightly sceptical about whether your daughter exists as described, but giving the benefit of the doubt I agree with the first reply that there could be a mental heath issue here that needs to be addressed.

Puberty can be a very traumatic experience, especially for girls and she may well be doing this as some kind of denial of something she is frightened about. Perhaps because she would appear to be a late developer other girls of her age have shunned and bullied her. Girls can be very cruel. She would appear to feel more comfortable playing with her younger sister and her friends including dressing like their age group. Perhaps girls of your sister's age don't threaten her, but sooner or later your youngest daughter (if she hasn't already) will become embarrassed about having her older sister around.

Is her behaviour noticed at school and does she dress differently from her peers at school? If she stands out at school that will make matters worse. You should seek professional advice.

[Persaphalla]

My daughter does not dress any differently from the other girls at school and as far as I know none of her classmates is aware of her behaviour which is confined only to her time out of school.

There is nothing physically wrong and she is growing normally although her breasts seem small for her age but not that different from some other girls. I have broached the subject with her of why she wants to dress and act as a child but she refuses to talk about it and claims there is nothing wrong. I am reluctant about seeking advice from counsellors and others at this stage as it may seem I am making a mountain out of a molehill and she could react badly.

[Lysander]

There is a topic on this same page about a girl being too old to wear white socks at 14 and here we have a 16 year old girl who evidently enjoys wearing them and wants to dress as a child! Kids are funny creatures but I can sympathise with a teenage girl who doesn't want to rush into being an adult like so many others of her age.

Don't think there is a problem here unless this lady's daughter still wants to dress as a child and play with her dolls when she's 20. Then that would be a cause for concern but I think the mother is right not to make too big a deal of it at the moment which could make matters worse. Let things ride for a year or two. I bet when this 16 year old meets a boy whom she likes all this obsession with being a little girl will quickly disappear.

[Helping hand]

If this was my daughter I would be seeking advice from my GP and others. Its not natural for a girl of this age to want to dress as a child and play with dolls and the like. She needs help preferably through counselling. Maybe she is afraid of growing up and needs reassurance. She should be handled sensitively and not made to feel she is abnormal or weird.

[Ex Teacher]

If this was my daughter I would be seeking advice from my GP and others. Its not natural for a girl of this age to want to dress as a child and play with dolls and the like. She needs help preferably through counselling. Maybe she is afraid of growing up and needs reassurance. She should be handled sensitively and not made to feel she is abnormal or weird.

As an ex teacher I have occasionally come across a teenager (and it was always a girl and never a boy) who seemed reluctant to embrace adulthood. I have had an eighteen year old who sucked her thumb despite being teased and a mother who told me her sixth form daughter continued to attend Girl Guides when the upper age limit was 15.

[pinkroxy]

I was similar the same when I was about 10 years old as I still liked playing with dolls and other childish stuff, but I did grow out of it when I reached high school. I was always a true innocent child like child.

Maybe your daughter is similar the same but at an older age. I wouldnt worry about it at the moment just as long as she is happy. Like the others said if she finds a cute guy then she will snap out of it quickly and then it will all change. Peer pressure with teenagers sux and maybe she is feeling the pressure and for security she likes playing with dolls and her little sister.

[Helen123]

It is rather endearing that a 16 year old girl refuses to surrender her childhood. I would prefer a daughter like this than one who went out at weekends in micro skirts and high heels binge drinking and smoking and there are plenty of 16 year olds who do just this.

Is this situation so awful? Children want to grow up so fast these days that when one wants to do the opposite we think she is abnormal.

[Guest]

I grew out of vests and babyish stuff,dolls,toys etc... at 13,so don't worry.
Even now,i am almost 16,dress normally and look my age,but my Autism affects me quite badly where social skills and independancy are concerned.

[bcapune61]

I also have a daughter that doesn't want to grow up. She is 18 now and has always told me since she was 12 she doesn't want to grow up. She dosn't feel like she should take responsibility like making car payments for a car she wants or pay rent. She thinks we should do these things for her. She does have friends her own age however, she is in her first relationship which is a transgender 25 year old woman who is just starting the process of hormones to become a man. She tells me that she does not consider herself gay. I have no judgements on either except that I'm concerned with her first relationship being so challenging. I know every first let alone all relationships can be challenging but this is extreme. I don't know how to support her but at the same time getting her to dig deep down and ask herself why she doesn't want to grow up. If you have any input I would love it.
Sincerely,
Worried Mom.

[Hotel_Whiskey]

Then dont make her