My girlfriends new lover :( I want out

[bob_333]

Hi Max, OK, you were right, I have changed tack, less negative (although I said I was sad without her) and have been getting a different response. But I feel her heart is now with this other man, I can only make gestures.

I just have found a little something to take my mind off her, and I think she can sense that, and maybe feels unsure ?? I dont know.

Its probably too late and I have a played a game that maybe I have lost, but I will still say I how I really feel, I should not hold back for fear of losing someone or being hurt, that has already happened.

You were right that I'd wanted things all my own way.
I Sent her a long email, it basically said that I understood why she had done what she had done, and that I recognised my failings, and it was my loss. I explained that it was the first time I had experienced an unfaithful girlfriend, and that if I'd known what my festival shag would have done to our relationship I would never have done it, but that I have learnt from this mistake, it was my inexperience at life.

I also told her I had started to re-look at my relationships with women, which I have, I always got the impression (and I gave her the impression) I was not interested in marriage and kids, but she has changed my mind about that, and that I've never committed because I didn't want to get hurt, but that now I'm ready to commit ... although I didn't directly say it about her.

I guess I have been quite selfish, but also quite demanding in the last week, like a fool though I have seemed to back myself into a corner again, I sent her some texts saturday which she didnt reply too, and so I have put in my email that I take it as a sign of where we are, and its time for me to move on, which is not really what I want to do. I also offered to come up to collect some things she had of mine - to say hello etc, but she has just advised I get them collected - she didn't say 'dont come up'. Maybe she is finding it just as hard not to see me, I guess she needs that break so she can do what she needs to with this other man.

I also put in my email that I had already started dating another girl, which I have, a chance meeting on friday night led to a date saturday, we seemed to get on well, she was lots of chat, and so was I, I told her I think we will get on great together. I told her she is quite a catch which she is - but only for the right man (hopefully implying ... not me). I told her if our relationship develops I will be 100% faithful, and that I would give all the things to this relationship, I did'nt give to ours.
The reality is she's nothing like my girl, so I guess I need to tell her, as you said in your previous email.

She's emailed back:

"You are so lucky to have found such a nice girlfriend that makes you happy and locally too. So envious.!!
You have both spent a lot of time together so quickly, have probably texted with more feeling etc. You have made your choice - why spoil it. Your two up - and on a roll.
Love and Hugs. (miss you too) Lifes rich tapestry eh x "

"Made my choices", "why spoil it" ?? What impression must I have given her in my email to her, I just wanted to say I wanted some fun to take the pressure off while she sees about this other man, how can I change her mind that she's my No.1 'choice', and there's nothing to 'spoil'. Should I say just that ?

I emailed her back saying that it was just something 'light and fluffy' and that I couldn't do anything heavy yet. (Which is true).
This new thing will just be some fun for now, and that she still has my heart, and that she would always have a peice of it, no woman will compare, (which is true).

But you know what, I still haven't said I'm willing to put an engagement ring on her finger and help raise a child .. which is what she wants.
I feel I have met 'the one' here and am ready to commit, so need to tell her, I will call her rather than email.

Last night, and after 10 days I managed to get a good nights sleep, but just before I slept I thought long and hard, and really decided - yes, this is the one for me, words like 'marriage' 'commitment' 'children', is what she wants to hear , I'm going tell her for what its worth, I'm up for it. If she comes back I will put a ring on her finger and marry her.

Max please help me work the situation and plant the seeds of doubt in her mind about this other man, she has been withdrawn all last week until I received this last email from her yesterday - and I seem to be on the right track, I want to make her think as hard as I have, about this other man.

Thanks B

[MaxtheGaul]

I've been out of circulation for a few days, so just seen this. There are a few things I'm not clear on.

Have you slept with this new woman?

Are you really sure you want your long range g/f, think about the practicalities, where will you live, are you willing to move, what about her family etc. Really think it through before you say you are ready to marry her. If you really are then you have to do two things:

Dump your other girl (I mean really dump her), and go and see her, tell her you are coming, but don't take no for an answer. Tell her how you really feel and what you want and make it very clear that you have thought it all through, and it's not just a jealous reaction to her finding some other guy.

Be totally honest with her, and make it clear that her adventures with the Canadian don't matter a jot, and even if she wants to see him again before deciding that's OK you'll wait.

In other words, don't be half hearted, go for it as though your life depended on it. Make it clear to her that you want this more than anything else. BUT, only if that's really how you feel.

[bob_333]

HI Max,

Thought you'd relegated me, thanks for your reply, your opinion is actually quite important to me at this stage (I'll send you some wedding cake if it happens

No I've not slept with this new woman, but have a date lined up this weekend with her.

I haven't slept much the last few days again, my mind has been doing overtime, but its been good for me to work through so many issues, I think I've had a few issues with commitment (inherited from my divorced father), this has held me back in the past, I sent a long email telling her so. I also said I'd matured quite a bit since this experience, I had reviewed a lot in my life, time for a different path, I want her on it with me.
I also thought through who I thought she was, and did I really want to marry her, like really marry, I turned it over for hours. My emotions say yes, and so does the side of me that has tried to perceive a woman I've only met over 5 or 6 weekends, a very short time. Its a terrible dilemma, normally I live with someone for several years before I get to know them. This one wants a baby almost straight away, my dad is horrified, but guess he would go with it if it happened. Big changes would have to occur for us to be together, but once I put my mind to it I can make things happen, I'm very resourceful.
I've stripped away my inherited prejudice of women to see a lovely gentle lady, who I regard as irreplaceable (which I think she is).

Last night I thought I might just go see her, take flowers, drop on one knee, but decided an 8 hour trip just to be rebuffed was a long journey, so
I sent her a simple email - probably a bit impulsive - but in brief said "This is driving me nuts, but just have to say ... Marry Me, Marry me NOW, change your mind, lets live together and make a Bob, dont care how or where".

Here is her reply:

Take your time to do what you wanted to do.
If you feel the same way in when the dust settles at the end of January. (The time you needed to clear your mind and balance out feelings).
In the middle of January when emotions have calmed once more we will meet up, if you/we still want to.
You already know that this is the type of relationship that I need and want. Though you need the time to relax, enjoy the company of this other girl have fun, laugh, be romantic and exorcise the pain that I caused so badly. Have no regrets and think clearly (she may be the one for you).
Thinking of you
Jane xx

I emailed back a long email - I apologised it had taken me so long to say these words of commitment, such as marry, live together, and children. I said I would take this new woman till march until her visa expires and she has to go home (which is true), I told her I would take great care of her while we were together. I asked her to keep the things I wanted returned boxed up, I said her canadian man may have better assets/qualities than me, and that if I was her and that was the case I'd go for it too, her last reply is :

"Good.
Think that because she will be in your life till March - maybe the sensible thing is to delay the meeting until after that time. Give you your space with her, you may fall head over heels in love, and I would no longer be the one you wished to wake with every morningxxxx. I want you to be able to look at me and in your eyes, mind, heart and soul you are ready to think and feel that yes, this is right and a relationship in partnership that will last an eternity. I would love nothing more than a partner, new baby and a good life direction.
All my love Bob xxx
Looking forward to 2009 xxx
Jane xxxx"

The reality in my head now is that the new girl is as you say ' a jealous reaction' - and I could put new girl down before things get started, and I'd have her back straight away, but again she seems to be saying 'take your break, the break you want', why isn't she just being honest and saying she wants another chance to meet the Canadian guy .. hence the break, she hasn't mentioned him at all in the emails since I said I'd marry her, she keeps saying enjoy your new lady - no reference to her meeting canadian man. Its an awkward situation, because I'm sure he's still coming (I blindly assume), and why should I be sad and lonely when she's shacked up with him. Thinking about it though, they will probably only be spending a short time together due to distance, where as I will be seeing mine almost every weekend and lives quite near. S***, what must be going through her head now.

So should I still dump this other girl now ... but then my lady will be having fun with canadian guy when I'm not - feeling empowered, do you want me to make this sacrifice, thats very difficult to deal with knowing what they're up to (although I've tried to be upbeat about the reasons for her liking him).

I've backed myself into another corner, letting emotions get the better of me - almost two weeks ago after seeing her after she'd slept with canadian man - i asked for a two month break to sort my head out, a week ago I forced her to tell me if Canadian man was coming, which she admitted, I asked her to 'let me be free', which she said she wanted to do - then my rejection lead to me chatting someone up and getting a date - to spite her. If I'd not asked for a break, would she now be letting canadian man come, I get the impression my initial infidelity is still an issue, maybe its simmering, but that she genuinely likes him. I told her I would unwind and heal myself with my time with this new lady, heal the sores.

I feel keeping new lady levels the field, all the time my lady is emailing/texting/messengering with Canadian man - and eventually F****** him in a weeks time, (he will be here for a week or so I think) it will focus her mind on what I am up to too.
Problem is she has said she's like a 'bunny in the headlights' with him, and thats from half way round the world, what chance do I have if they bond by sleeping and F****** together.

I now need to reply to her last email - above. Help !!!!!

[bob_333]

Just a thought, all these long emails I've recently sent has now taken away all my 'mystery' - what is there left to fancy, or am I being negative.
Also, I get the impression this blonde lady is just gagging for another child, she's 42+ so time is not on her side, and she wants it almost straight away, my big reservation is not having had the time to get to know her properly .... she seems so driven to do it, dare I say desperate almost for something (maybe she hopped into bed with Canada man as she was do desperate for that something ??).

My intuition of people tells me she would OK, but I've not seen her under pressure. Saying that none of us are really that bad are we (as marriage partners) ???, maybe its just my inherited prejudice coming out again.

[MaxtheGaul]

I think you can do one of four things:

- accept the March deadline, enjoy your current g/f and let your love have her fun with her Canadian during the same time, touch base again in March and see how you both feel
- dump your new g/f, tell your love that you don't need any more time and want her now, be assertive, fight against her seeing the Canadian, and essentially be a focused hungry male who has found the girl he wants and won't let anything get in his way
- dump your new g/f and tell you love that you don't need any more time, but you understand that she might. If she wants to see the Canadian that's fine, and you will actively encourage her to check him out in every possible way, so that she can then decide whether she wants him or you.
- walk away

Notice that the third of these seems to be what she is doing to you! Except she hasn't dumped her Canadian.

Which you do is up to you. I've been through something similar and chose the third option because I knew the girl in question really needed to try out a few other guys before she could make any commitment. I had to wait two years, but I won her in the end. I think your situation is different so maybe option 2 will work, but I think the lowest chance of success lies with option 1.

Good luck.

[bob_333]

Hi Max,

Well, things have evolved a bit differently to what I thought ....

I emailed her a final email to wish her well while I took my time away (although I feel she enforced that up on us, you suggest she wants time to spend with the Canadian guy ... which I accepted). We would see where we are in March.

She emailed me straight back and said I must be smitten with my new girl, and wished she was out with me that night on the town (I told her I was taking my new lady out) ... but she said two's company and three's definately a crowd, I emailed back saying my new girl was only just companionship, and she was no replacement for her. I suggested we may simply go our separate ways in a few months once I've done my tourist guide bit with the new lady. I said I was happy she had found someone who could love and care for her at last.

She emailed back and said she was going to 'go it alone to be honest' ..... I said why ?? he seemed to be a good bet, and he must have been someone special for her to have fallen the way she did. her reply just simply said have a good night, no explanation, she blew me loads of kisses, and thats the last I've heard.

My new lady is just companionship, and I will let her down very gently, just before or after christmas, then I will contact my lady (it is her who has been keen for the break).
Why has she changed her mind about Canadian man all of a sudden.

Its going to be a difficult time, I keep wishing we weren't apart and we were together, but she pushed me away, now I'm going out with someone I'm not into so much, and she's at home being boring (or so she says) - who gains out of this situation.

But I take your comments about your two year stint, that must have been hard, guess what will be will be, if we meet in the new year I will go back to her as a different person ready to commit to just her, as she is the one I want .. I have no problem with that. Maybe she's still upset about my initial unfaithfulness and wants to sort her head out, maybe she's testing me to see if I come back, did Canada Man ever exist ??. Maybe she's got something else up her sleeve I've known nothing about, and I will get a call in the new year to tell me to forget it all and to move on.
If I return I'm wondering what it will be like, there will be a lot of suspicion on both sides, in the end we were very open with each other about our infidelity - but she's mentioned nothing about it now, strange.
B

[MaxtheGaul]

Actually I think she's waiting for you to take control of the situation. You can wait until Jan, but I'll bet if you went for my second option and dumped the new girl and told your love that you wanted her now, then you'd probably be s**gging like bunnies next w/e.

[bob_333]

I got the impression she wants control ?? pushing me away (I guess until I'm single again - which is fair enough), now Canada mans out the picture (bizarrely) I dont really want to go back with the begging bowl (which I think I've been doing) - I dont think that will give a good impression - although you suggest I should 'take control' - I dont get the impression she wants me to dump this other girl now and run back to her straightaway, I'll let time pass - try and reverse the clock a bit, I'll let go of my new girlfriend in January (not March) and then contact my lady, maybe she will be with someone else, or maybe she will be waiting, who knows.

She has children, and it is close to Christmas, maybe she doesn't want any of this complication brought upon them at this time .. a special time for children to enjoy.

I'll send her a letter and some Christmas presi's, let her know how much I love her.
Not sure if the time apart is good or bad, I will roll the dice of fate.

B.

[SM]

Sounds like you are both playing emotional games with each other. And the fact that you are doubting what she is saying does not suggest that you are creating a solid foundation for anything, let alone marriage.

[bob_333]

I've cleared my head a bit now, and have some distance, we've both been unfaithful to each other, a lot of damage has occurred.

If she'd have said I want you back, I would have dropped everything straightaway and returned, but she seemed smitten on Canada man, so quickly, I had no choice but to withdraw.
Now we are in this weird no mans land after she dropped Canada Man (or so she says).

I told her I understand why she was unfaithful and I'd forgiven her, I get the feeling she cant do the same ... and so she has created a void between us. She said our relationship was dead from the moment I was unfaithful, I've never thought that about her unfaithfulness .... maybe this fundamental difference might be our undoing in the long term, to see her transfer her affections to someone else so soon and then erase the relationship we shared together. Maybe spending time together again will help me forget that.

There are no solid foundations at this point - and with this distance in mind, if we get back together in March - only then can we see if there's anything to build on, the relationship will be quite different to before, I think we will look at each other through more serious and inquisitive eyes ... rather than the fun, light and fluffy outlook I shared, shame.

[Cambridge]

Jeeze, Bob. It's over. Neither of you would have behaved the way you did if you had felt something special for each other.

Drop it and move on.

[bob_333]

umm, of course those are difficult words still at this time.

I dont let go of something good that easily, unless of course the other half wants to be.

I'll admit I felt nothing special for this lady when I was unfaithful (it was a meaningless one night stand), we'd only met once before ... but once we got going I fell for her. She on the other hand did this 5 months down the line, and then proclaimed her affections for him, I guess she dumped me.
Then I told her how I felt and she then dumped him, what's going on in this womans head.

Are we not allowed to make mistakes ?
I can forgive.
I have learnt much from mine - to be more giving supporting and understanding - some women are not as strong as I thought, they are not as independent as me.
I wonder what she has learnt, she should have more faith in her partner - a mistake made at the outset should be taken in context, to then run riot with an axe resolves nothing.

Part of me wants to run a million miles from this person, another part wants questions answered before I consider anything further. And another part is drawn to her still, despite me now having a lovely new girlfriend - its light fluffy and fun, but sadly it will end in March when her visa expires.

March is 3/4 months away, my emotions have changed much in the last month we've been apart, but I still miss her.
She says she will be waiting, why .... Canada Man seemed such a proposition for her, obviously I was the better bet.

I'll roll my dice and go and see her in March, what have I got to lose.

[Cambridge]

Well, good for you.

It’s like the thing of, is the glass of water half full or half empty?

Is your relationship half full or half empty? I have to say you are holding on to the half empty glass, much as we would like to think it is otherwise.

Be a man and define yourself. Then you can never be hurt or hurt others.

[Cambridge]

OK Here are some thoughts:

You have come across as quite selfish about this relationship. You want it to be the way you want it, to develop how you want it, and to end up where you want it.

In contrast I see a really nice girl at the other end. She's been honest with you when a lot would have lied, she's clearly got characteristics that you really like and respect, and she's great in bed. Sounds pretty good to me.

Don't get me wrong, I imagine you have real strengths too, and maybe you're good in bed, I just can't measure any of that.

What do you want? Do you want a long term relationship, move in together, be a couple. I sense that's what she wants. So now, you play it cool, the other guy is willing to travel half way round the world for her, perhaps several times!

So who looks the most likely candidate to you - in her eyes?

If you want her you're going to have to fight for her, not against him! Look at what she needs from the relationship, and how much are you willing to give to it. Would you travel half way round the world for her? If so does she have any idea that you might? So far I've just seen you back off as soon as there is any competition and go into a sort of sulk.

Be pleased for her that she has found a guy who cares for her, be pleased for her that's he's good in bed (if her is), never give her any hint that you resent it, that you are jealous, or that you want him out of her life. Start thinking about what is best for her.

So what can you be that will be best for her, maybe she does want a break from you - give it to her, maybe she wants to see both of you in parallel, make the most of it, when you talk about him be positive, never negative. Tell her how you feel so she is in no doubt.

What will happen, put yourself in her shoes and imagine, would you rather be with the positive guy, who loves you for what you are, will accept that you need to try a few relationships before making long term commitments.

If she knows you are there for her, not bullying, or demanding, but supportive and there for the long term, she may just think you are the one she really wants.

Now when you have both committed to each other, then you can deal with whether you are allowed to see people out of the relationship. You may choose to or not to, but that's not for now. Right now she owes you nothing and you have some serious work to do if you want her long term.

Or it may all be too hard and you may find it better for you to look elsewhere.

By the way, by all means date other girls, and sleep with them, but if you want a relationship with the girl you are agonising about, don't hide anything from her, and make your judgements on the basis that you will tell her. I wonder what she'll think?

Good luck.

Pretty good advice.

[MaxtheGaul]

I try.