My girlfriends new lover :( I want out

[MaxtheGaul]

I try.

[Cambridge]

Sounds like you are both playing emotional games with each other. And the fact that you are doubting what she is saying does not suggest that you are creating a solid foundation for anything, let alone marriage.

Also an xlnt observation.

[bob_333]

Thanks for all the advice, its been a journey in my head for sure.
Others opinions make you reflect, sometimes i think we all get wrapped up in our own little world too much, but without making mistakes we cannot learn, we are always wiser after the event.

I always like to take something positive away from a situation, and this experience has taught me a great deal.

I will return in march, for nothing heavy, I just wish to get re-acquainted first, take it from there, I am no better or worse than any other man for her. She has done my head in, but that will pass - its only been 5 weeks. I think deep down she wants to see me as much as I want to her, so as I say I will roll the dice.

If after March I find I was wrong for going back then let it be, I'll walk away and will live to fight another day !

[jahnai]

I think a two month break is a good idea maybe it will allow her to see what it is she wants from you, And usually women who have been cheated on in the past have a tendency to not go into to relationships full throttle i know i'm like that because I have been cheated in in past relationships i find i hard to trust men and when they do tell me they love me i shrug it off, currently i'm dating a married man and I like it that way because i am not ready to make a commitment to anyone I'm to insecure for that, as for him he is very jealous of me and calls me constantly to make sure i am not with any other men go figure he is the ones thats married. If you love this women i say go for it and pursue her and let her know that you want her, but also think that taking a two monthe break will allow her to see what it is she wants and your two month break can mean no sex and just a platonic relationship. Or maybe you should start dating and see how it makes her feel.

[bob_333]

Hi jahnai,
Your right the break has been good so far, it has helped me come back to earth a bit, think straight, its funny - as a bloke I tend to follow my heart, women always seem to make more logical judgements .. as someone said previously - 'define yourself' ... I must admit to not having done that, I have let my heart rule my head.

I think the lack of trust bit you say works both ways, if you read further up you will see I am now in a relationship - albeit a short one - while I take my break - (I have been open and told my previous partner), its taken a few weeks for me to feel secure with this new partner and know she's not sleeping with someone else, although I still cant say for sure, I'd never had this insecurity about women before my previous partner was unfaithful, it never crossed my mind it would happen. Maybe I was naive, I always thought that regardless of whether you were 'committed' or married - or were several months into a relationship (as I was), your partner shouldn't be at liberty to 'play away from home'.

Your married man obviously has his mind focused on you, and not his married partner, sometimes I think some men want it both ways - they want commitment from their partner so they dont play away from home - but that they can, as you are experiencing. My relationship meant much to me, and I'm sure the same can be said for her, but because neither of us committed properly our behaviour caused much hurt to both of us.

I have said all I need to her for now, if I return I will go back committed in my mind towards her, in fact thats how I always felt, but recent events simply focused my mind a little.
I wonder if she will do the same, or as you say she wont go in full throttle, I guess I will have to accept other men might be around, she always seemed to have plenty to call on, as Max said - thats all acceptable ...BUT as long as your honest and open about it.
Both of us were dishonest to each other, and when we found out the truth it blew our relationship apart, maybe we were too insecure to be honest and open, we were too worried we would lose that person if we were honest, I confessed my one night stand months later and she confessed to maintaining a 'friendship' through out our relationship - admitting to it after being unfaithful with this person and trying to leave me for him.
If you force yourself to be honest maybe we would'nt do the deceitful things we do as people ?? it would make you think twice, If in my mind I'd made a rule to myself that I should tell my partner I was going to be unfaithful to her at a music festival, before I'd gone - I would never have been unfaithful, period - you know its unacceptable behaviour, I would feel very hurt if she said the same thing to me, and then gone off and done .... umm - ouch.

I will send her a little present and a card for Xmas, just to say hi, we haven't been in contact since, and may not be until March. Dont want her to think I've forgotten about her.

[Derek911]

Makes sense he's canadian..


i kid i kid.

[bob_333]

Dont know any Canadian men, so cant say

He keeps bees apparently .... guess we all like a bit of honey

[Cambridge]

as someone said previously - 'define yourself' ...

And I have said that for years to friends in this sort of trouble. “Define yourself” is a code word for saying that not only will you find your strength from within, but you will only find your answers from within. Don’t give yourself up to outside troubles. Don’t give yourself up to outside influences. You know who you are. Define yourself. You don't really give to others until you have defined yourself. Come from within, and go to the outside, including your loves and loved ones. Define yourself.

[bob_333]

umm, wise words, I will ponder that.

[nitrogen78]

Hi,

I've been going out with a lovely woman for 5 months, we have had a long distance relationship, we only see each other every 2-3 weeks at weekends, but when we do its very intense.
She has professed great love for me, but I've played it cool as its early days - not wanting anything heavy yet. Saying that she has swept me off my feet, I only have eyes for her, despite plenty of interest from other women I know. She ticks all my boxes and feel no need to play around, I felt secure in my relationship with her.

But she has shocked me this weekend.
Last Friday, (the day before I was driving up to see her, a 4 hour journey) I get a text message saying she is going to have a relationship with a Canadian man who flew over to see her and stayed with her last weekend, and that I can come for one last weekend, but that she needs a more committed relationship, and will be going with him.

Boy, was I confused - I had no idea about any 'Canadian man', I thought everything was good between us.

I travelled up on Saturday and asked about what had been going on.
She told me that they had had a friendship over the internet for the last 10 months. But he had then called her and then jetted off straight away to come over to see her weekend before last, so it was a very hurried 'affair' (excuse the punn). Him almost turning up on her door.
To make it worse she told me she allowed him to sleep in her bed for the 4 days he was here and that they had sex. She also said he would be back at the end of this month to see her again.
She said they would have a long distance relationship to start with, but from Canada i thought ???

During that week I received few texts, and I sort of knew something was not right .. in fact she was shagging this other bloke.

I feel gutted, sick, how could she have sent such lovely texts to me, and then go and do that, it seems really out of character.

We then ended up getting very drunk and sleeping together, and life seemed normal for the rest of the weekend. It was great fun. We had a serious chat before I left about where we were going, she said she wanted to marry me and have my child, I couldn't bring myself to ask about what she would be doing at the end of the month, I just assumed she would knock it on the head with this other guy.
Driving back in the car as the hangover rescinded I mulled things over and decided I needed to take a two month break to sort my head out, and allow her to decide who she wants to be with. I also almost need to fall out of love with her to move on, before I can go back.
But now I am tortured wondering what will happen if he does come over again, I get the feeling she is very lonely and did this to fill a hole in her life. My absence will just make a bigger hole, and possible desire in her to fill it. Am I doing the right thing to take a break, I think so for me, but at what cost to the relationship.

Thanks B

Hard to imagine you and her are in your 40's. I know people half your age with greater maturity. I'm 30 by the way.
So let me get this right....she was seeing you who she met _. She then sleeps with a guy from Canada who says he can come over once a month. He must have money to burn
She says she is doing this as he can offer greater committment by coming to see her once a month. She then gets drunk and sleeps with you.
All of this sounds completely ridiculous.

[bob_333]

Well done for reading - its gotten quite a long thread ....

I had a festival shag straight after we met - it meant nothing - done, forgotten, I wasn't committed to her at that time, I wasn't sure if I actually liked her, in my mind there was nothing to be unfaithful too, I didn't think she liked me either - by her attitude towards me at that time - looking back I wish I hadn't done it, but at the time I felt no guilt about it.

Umm, your right it sounded bizarre to me when I got the text message out of the blue - 'your doing what with who ?.. Canadian Bloke ?, Bee Keeper ? your going to get it together with him instead ?'. Umm, confused was I, I had no idea anything had been going on behind my back, but obviously it had.
Either 1)she felt no guilt, 2) was bullshitting me to get back at me, or 3) she is a bit schitzo to think she was going to find a lasting partner that way, either way - still I forgive her. My dad thought she was well off her rocker.
I've been away a while now and cleared my head (thank god).
Thinking of all the stress she caused me makes me want to run a million miles from her, I wonder if she's a bit of a bitch deep down - driven by her own insecurity, she always had a strange 'air' about her.

But F*** it, in for a penny - in for a pound, I'll pop up and see her in March if she still wants to see me.
But who knows she might have already met a lovely Australian Outback Sheep farmer _ - a marriage made in heaven.
Well you have to laugh really

[omytang]

My advice: The most important thing is DO YOU REALLY LOVE HER? ask yourself. Be serious to the one you love, it's the saying my father told me. All of that depends on yourself.

[bob_333]

12 MONTHS ON .....
Well, how bizarre, she's back from Canada (she emigrated this year to be with Canada man, she sold her all her possessions and selfishly left her lovely children behind, having them return to their father), the new lover treated her quite badly while she was out their, and he was actually having an affair behind her back.
She ended up working for free for him, he wouldn't give her any house keys or let her drive - and she couldn't work - and was basically house bound in the sprawling Canadian suburbs ... while he went about his business shagging his ex.
How dumb was she ?
I couldn't have written a more dumber script, and what does it say about me for knowing her.
What goes around ... comes around, eh !

Thing is ... I'm happy to see her, and she me - we have slept together, in fact I allowed us to sleep together the night she flew in and she stayed a few days, but I was surprised to find out the next day that she had rolled out of bed with Canada man the day of her return flight ...
I'm now very very wary, she seems to be bed hoping again, why cant she stand on her own two feet and approach men as an independent woman ...
She's gone now, maybe until the new year.
I really feel like pushing her away again until she's sorted her head out ...

[Scorchio]

It's been a year - she emigrated to be with Mr Oh Canada; she left HER children behind; he cheated on her; demeaned her; kept her house bound and working and she was still sleeping with him until she flew out of there? (of course you only have her word for this)

You need to walk away from this - whatever is going on in her head and with her emotions - YOU need to get away - you've had a year apart so keep that distance.

This woman and you are not for each other - if you were you would both have worked on being faithful and together over a year ago.

Walk away or in a year you will be posting again that she's in Australia or Tasmania or god knows where else.

[bob_333]

Yeah, what is up with this crazy womans mind, stumbling from one bizarre love situation to another, she's now professing undying love for me now she's back ... do I accept it ??? ... what do you do when someone offers you that - considering what she put me through ... there seems to be no decorum here ... she's acting like nothing ever happened.
She tells me she was waiting for me to come and get her before she went to Canada, but when I contacted her in April as we'd agreed, with a view to seeing her she simply told me she was going to emigrate, and ignored requests for us to meet ... so I guess her mind was made up ...

I called her one last time last November to see if i could change her mind - but she was just gushing for this Canadian man - within one week she had completely turned - it was bizarre, her emotions had completely focused on him, nothing I could do or say made any difference - one day I was the focus, next he was, now she's focused on me again ... I mean - I've had plenty of women but never one do that - usually there is a period of cooling off and 'emptying out' of your emotions before you start to feel it for someone new, you always have a bit of baggage - but she seemed to lose that straight away - somethings really not right here ... and I'm sort of waiting for another car crash ... if it does happen again she will be assigned to the 'trash can of love' and forgotten ... forthwith !!!