My girlfriends new lover :( I want out

[bob_333]

Hi,

I've been going out with a lovely woman for 5 months, we have had a long distance relationship, we only see each other every 2-3 weeks at weekends, but when we do its very intense.
She has professed great love for me, but I've played it cool as its early days - not wanting anything heavy yet. Saying that she has swept me off my feet, I only have eyes for her, despite plenty of interest from other women I know. She ticks all my boxes and feel no need to play around, I felt secure in my relationship with her.

But she has shocked me this weekend.
Last Friday, (the day before I was driving up to see her, a 4 hour journey) I get a text message saying she is going to have a relationship with a Canadian man who flew over to see her and stayed with her last weekend, and that I can come for one last weekend, but that she needs a more committed relationship, and will be going with him.

Boy, was I confused - I had no idea about any 'Canadian man', I thought everything was good between us.

I travelled up on Saturday and asked about what had been going on.
She told me that they had had a friendship over the internet for the last 10 months. But he had then called her and then jetted off straight away to come over to see her weekend before last, so it was a very hurried 'affair' (excuse the punn). Him almost turning up on her door.
To make it worse she told me she allowed him to sleep in her bed for the 4 days he was here and that they had sex. She also said he would be back at the end of this month to see her again.
She said they would have a long distance relationship to start with, but from Canada i thought ???

During that week I received few texts, and I sort of knew something was not right .. in fact she was shagging this other bloke.

I feel gutted, sick, how could she have sent such lovely texts to me, and then go and do that, it seems really out of character.

We then ended up getting very drunk and sleeping together, and life seemed normal for the rest of the weekend. It was great fun. We had a serious chat before I left about where we were going, she said she wanted to marry me and have my child, I couldn't bring myself to ask about what she would be doing at the end of the month, I just assumed she would knock it on the head with this other guy.
Driving back in the car as the hangover rescinded I mulled things over and decided I needed to take a two month break to sort my head out, and allow her to decide who she wants to be with. I also almost need to fall out of love with her to move on, before I can go back.
But now I am tortured wondering what will happen if he does come over again, I get the feeling she is very lonely and did this to fill a hole in her life. My absence will just make a bigger hole, and possible desire in her to fill it. Am I doing the right thing to take a break, I think so for me, but at what cost to the relationship.

Thanks B

[bob_333]

I need to add that we are both mature responsible people, I'm 43, shes 41 with two children from a previous marriage (now separated). I've never been married and have no children.

[MaxtheGaul]

Well you didn't read her right. She wanted more faster than you gave her. Playing it cool was clearly read as not being very interested.

Do you want her? If so then you should make your position clear to her and stop playing games.

Don't worry about the Canadian, she's slept with him, and she's slept with other guys before, so that makes no difference. If he comes over and wants to sleep with her again, then that's entirely her decision, you have no right to try to control that. She's being honest with you and that's as much as you can ask for.

Whatever you do don't criticise her for having another lover, accept it, let her talk about it and treat it no different from her meeting up with a girlfriend for lunch. Anything else will drive you apart.

Sort out what you want and go for it, you've got competition, but if you tell her what you really fell then you may still win the day.

[SM]

You are backing yourself into a corner, why do you need to sort your head out??? This is an opportunity and you are letting it slip away.. Take the Canadian incident as a shot across the bows. That is probably why she told you. Your ages means that life is passing you guys by. There is no time to be playing games and stuff. Just get in there and let rip...

[bob_333]

Thanks for your interesting replies, this forum is great, makes you think hard about your dilema from a different perspective.

To start I'll have to admit to being unfaithful, I was unfaithful after our first meeting, I slept with someone at a music festival - not particularly glamorous or sexy really, in fact I wasn't that bothered and couldn't perform (I think I'd already fallen - but not realised it) it was a cold night !, I confessed this to my present girlfriend only recently, but felt totally relaxed doing it as I felt secure with her and didn't think it would bother her, apparently not though, and she has been mulling that one over a fair bit too. I actually thought after our first meeting she might not want me to see her anymore as we lived so far away, and as we'd met only once my brain wasn't yet engaged in relationship mode with her.

Your right, its competition, but its not a race I wanted to enter ! when I have a relationship I expect a degree of commitment and fidelity in my partner towards me, she has been unfaithful.
Yes she's slept with other men, but I like to think my partner would not be doing that behind my back whilst we are together, sure sleep with other men, have multiple partners if you wish - but not when I'm in the relationship with her, giving my commitment to her.

Her last husband was unfaithful to her, maybe it didn't bother her ?? and she just wanted out as she was bored, or maybe it did bother her .. and if it did has she forgotten how it felt ??

Your also right that my playing it cool gave her the wrong impression, but in my mind playing it cool doesn't mean you can be unfaithful to me, I am not into open relationships or sharing my partner, it leads to stress and anxiety in me, and my problem now is if we sort this all out how can the damage in my head be sorted, hence my desire to opt out for a few months.

Problem now, and you seem to be suggesting, she now has another lover, her phone text reflected a definite decision, she wanted to go with this other man, despite her now changing her mind ... that makes it very difficult for me, sure I could do the same - find a way out, but then that negates why an earth we're together surely, a monogamous relationship brings trust, closeness and security (plus a lack of STD's !!), an open relationship brings jealousy, possessiveness and a feeling of rejection to the one partner not indulging - me, so really its a bit unfair - on me.
And now I'm away 'the mice will play', and my mind is doing double time.

You say I should accept her having another lover, S*** how do i do that, you say its no different than meeting a girlfriend for lunch, yeah but they wouldn't get under the table and eat each other out and then profess to feelings of great love ... would they ... you say I should accept it, I say she should choose, if she wants to get under the table with him and be duplicitous with me ...she should have to decide ... its me or its him, ... I think thats only fair on me. Do one or the other, for simplicities sake, why make life complicated - 'its complicated enough' !

I am blown away how after 5 months this just comes out, you say she's been honest, I think she's been deceptive and dishonest, I would rather she'd said to me that she isn't going to be exclusive with me at the start of the relationship, and I would have done the same, and not allowed myself to fall in love with her. But then if were both out there doing stuff with different partners doesn't that make it a sham relationship.

I have played the field, did the 3 girlfriends on the go (and consequently hurt a lot of lovely people), I had lots and lots of sex, but I'm way past that now, I have no need to do it, I like a partner on solid ground, a good old fashioned relationship built on trust.
Maybe my girlfriends a few years behind me and needs to do that thing too, you suggest she should have the freedom, but then in my eyes she will become the sort of w***** I used to be ...

You say I should stop playing games and make my position clear, in my mind it was never unclear .... but after this weekend I've now told her I love her very much, told her she's my 'treasure' - yes I want her, (I've really never felt any different since meeting her), everything before though all seemed right without me needing to do that, I thought we could be all grown up about it, but in hindsight i can see my girlfriend wants it all and she wants it now, I on the other hand prefer to let something grow - as your relationship matures it also mellows - but into a nice state, the state of comfort and warmth you provide each other with, but I have to question if she's got itchy feet now - what happens if I'm away for two months.

You say I should accept her having another lover, and by me not accepting it, it will drive us apart, I know plenty of women that divorce because they cant accept (including this one).

I do need to sort my head out, damage has been done.
I just wanted to be cool about everything, nice and easy, keep it light and fun and not be backed into any corners, after all we've only just met. Thats not expecting too much is it ??

[MarthaT]

Sorry to hear that *hugs*

[bob_333]

umm, feeling sad and stressed, thanks for the hug.
Cant concentrate on work, eat, trying not to smoke again, wanting to go out a lot.

My two month break .. is this the right thing to do, I dont want to go back feeling still stressed and hung up about this, but i also want to see her and forget taking a break.

I also have gone from behing mr cool, to wanting to know answers to so many questions.

[MaxtheGaul]

Bob, you want her to be faithful to you, but you've played it cool, you never let her know how you really felt. You see her only every few weeks. Then when she decides to take another lover, and tells you in advance you claim she's being unfaithful! Unfaithful to what? She doesn't have any commitment from you, you have no rights over her. tell her you love her and want to be only with her, and hope she feels the same, then you start to have some legitimate expectation, but not before.

As to where you are now, you have no claim on her, you have to earn that, and being bitter and twisted about her doing what she has done, when you "cheated" on her in a similar way, but then hid it doesn't wash for me.

Grow up and take control if you want her, otherwise let her go gracefully. She has done nothing wrong.

[bob_333]

God, do I sound bitter and twisted, thats a terrible way to be, not like me at all, I'm sure it will lift.

Yes I do want her to be faithful to me, now we are emotionally involved, since then I have not felt a need for anyone else.
She has now come out and said that our relationship had been dead since the time I was unfaithful, I feel sad about that, my drunken mistake meant nothing, the person was forgotten, meaningless.
She said that I had a need in me, that made me be unfaithful, yes but the same need that brought me to her in the first place, and once I was in Love that need has gone.
I had a lot to deal with, with her at that time, she was pregnant by her previous boyfriend, and I was questioning whether I actually liked her, but I hung in there.

I get the feeling she is just as or more hurt than me, why didn't she come and speak to me instead of taking another lover, does she see something more reassuring in a man she's just met once off the internet, does the last 5 months mean nothing.

Anyway, we are taking our 2/3 month break, in this time I wonder if she will date this other man (it will be an expensive few dates for him). She seemed as keen as me to do it, which is confusing.

But your right, I should let her go if thats what she wants, he can have her if she's the sort of woman that runs to another man in her moment of need, she will end up doing it to him, just like she did it to the boyfriend before me - stepping stones. I was always there for her if she'd really needed me, but she never told me she was upset, so who hasn't been telling who what !

[MaxtheGaul]

Well you can't expect her to be relaxed about you bonking someone else if you go off the deep end just because she says she might do the same.

[bob_333]

Hi Max, you sound a character, thanks.

I'm so stressed and tired of this already, but not willing to let go yet.

Right help me do the right thing here.

I was stressed, suspicious, you know - just uptight, and so I called her yesterday to ask her about her intentions with this other man whilst I was away licking my wounds ie until the new year, she said she wanted one last chance to see how they get on, fair enough I said, but if thats the case I wouldn't be hanging around then, well not for now anyway.

I assume, they will be together a few times before now and new years.

I also got it out of her that she gave him her mobile number even before he came over and slept with her, so obviously there was something going on between them without my knowledge.

She also now says she's head over heals for him, and I know it might be dead between us now, or at least the wheels are in motion between them. But she now goes and sends me a text this morning asking how I was - My sister was rushed to hospital yesterday, and I told her I was dealing with all that too, so maybe thats all it was.

Apart from that text, thats all I've got, so I now know they are doing essentially what we were doing just a few weeks ago, ie emailing and texting words of kindness/love to each other etc.

I've just written a huge long email - that I've yet to send, rambling on saying that she really should set me free, rather than keep sending me texts still ie kill everything and I have a clean break from her, BUT she was such a lovely shag and a nice person I really liked, and get the feeling she would be open to still seeing me, after all if I'd not said I was going to take a break I could be with her now (what an idiot), only I got upset knowing this other bloke would be in my bed with her a few weeks from now.
This blokes only going to be around once every month or so, and she will be very bored. I'm Trying so hard to keep a lid on my emotions, and not send this email. On the one hand do I bat her away to try and make her feel rejected - to try steer it back, or do I return her compassion and say I miss you too (which in fact I've just replied to her text saying I miss her).

Dont forget this blokes 12 years older than her, and 10 me (53) and I'm not at this stage sure what he's offering her in the bedroom, I know I used to make her sing, and told me I was just the best sex she'd had, and I've told her the same - which it was/is for me too. Will this have any pull for me to get back in her bed ?? I mean she slept with me the weekend after she slept with him - we were at it all weekend, and know she still likes me.
But from now on will I just be nice boy - with no sex - or can I work the situation so we both see each other and have some fun, and maybe see how goes (which is how it was meant to be for me in the first place !!!!!)

Any guidance on what to say or do so I can keep in the game, but not get myself so uptight about it (and be 'cool' with her - famous last last words). Its funny, since her now telling me truthfully yesterday about this other bloke and been honest - its almost made it easier for me to accept whats been happening (if a little deceitfully on their behalf), Her sending me that text this morning says a thousand words I think, she doesn't want it to die between us, I know she wants commitment, but if her mind is set on this other bloke what was that text about this morning ?, its almost like she wants to have both of us, in my now twisted mind - I will have the upper hand if we did work this out, because I would know about him, but I bet he wouldn't know about me, the tables would be turned, I would be enjoying her behind his back - am i right or wrong !

Or should I just put this all down and move on, which we all know is difficult and both sides loose out. Moving on will surely though just get me back to having sex with a woman I am in love with, which is where I was/am. Funny circular pattern.

Cheers B

[bob_333]

Max, I also wanted to add that I have managed to rustle up a date tonight (I'm not going to sit around all miserable), should I text my lady to tell her, will that put the ball back in her court and get her thinking of her loss of me ?? Reason I ask, I always find women really withdraw if they know another woman is on the scene. to Text or not. Cheers.

[MaxtheGaul]

My view is don't rush into doing anything until you get your mind straight (there are so many things it's easy to say and then regret). I will send you some thoughts later then you might want to mull on them and then decide what to do,

Max

[MaxtheGaul]

OK Here are some thoughts:

You have come across as quite selfish about this relationship. You want it to be the way you want it, to develop how you want it, and to end up where you want it.

In contrast I see a really nice girl at the other end. She's been honest with you when a lot would have lied, she's clearly got characteristics that you really like and respect, and she's great in bed. Sounds pretty good to me.

Don't get me wrong, I imagine you have real strengths too, and maybe you're good in bed, I just can't measure any of that.

What do you want? Do you want a long term relationship, move in together, be a couple. I sense that's what she wants. So now, you play it cool, the other guy is willing to travel half way round the world for her, perhaps several times!

So who looks the most likely candidate to you - in her eyes?

If you want her you're going to have to fight for her, not against him! Look at what she needs from the relationship, and how much are you willing to give to it. Would you travel half way round the world for her? If so does she have any idea that you might? So far I've just seen you back off as soon as there is any competition and go into a sort of sulk.

Be pleased for her that she has found a guy who cares for her, be pleased for her that's he's good in bed (if her is), never give her any hint that you resent it, that you are jealous, or that you want him out of her life. Start thinking about what is best for her.

So what can you be that will be best for her, maybe she does want a break from you - give it to her, maybe she wants to see both of you in parallel, make the most of it, when you talk about him be positive, never negative. Tell her how you feel so she is in no doubt.

What will happen, put yourself in her shoes and imagine, would you rather be with the positive guy, who loves you for what you are, will accept that you need to try a few relationships before making long term commitments.

If she knows you are there for her, not bullying, or demanding, but supportive and there for the long term, she may just think you are the one she really wants.

Now when you have both committed to each other, then you can deal with whether you are allowed to see people out of the relationship. You may choose to or not to, but that's not for now. Right now she owes you nothing and you have some serious work to do if you want her long term.

Or it may all be too hard and you may find it better for you to look elsewhere.

By the way, by all means date other girls, and sleep with them, but if you want a relationship with the girl you are agonising about, don't hide anything from her, and make your judgements on the basis that you will tell her. I wonder what she'll think?

Good luck.

[bob_333]

thanks max, so well put, I will see what I can do, and see what happens. B