How to guide for changing motor oil

[Juanito]

Supplies needed:
1 quart motor oil
1 oil filter
1 cup water

Step #1- Locate oil filter and remove it
Step #2-Remove several bolts from the oil pan to allow oil to drain faster
Step #3- Put on new fuel filter
Step #4- Add motor oil
Step #5- Tighten Bolts you loosened on the oil pan
Step #6- Add 1 cup water to oil

[Exodus]

Hey troll. . . Feel free to spam with atleast something useful.

[Guest]

Dear Juanito,

I believe you might be confused. While I am not an auto mechanic, it does appear that these instructions are not the proper instructions for changing oil.

If you post your home address, I shall mail you a screwdriver set. You have a few screws loose, you can use the screwdrivers to tighten them. I'll also include some marbles, since you've lost yours.

[minigirl]

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
(1) Drive to the mechanic when it is time for your next oil change
(2) Relax in a chair with a cappuccino.
(3) 45 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle where the fluids have been topped off, car has been washed, tyres rotated, and safety inspection completed.

Money Spent
Oil Change: $55


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
(1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00
(2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $20.00, drive home.
(3) Open a beer and drink it.
(4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
(5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
(6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
(7) Place drain pan under engine.
(8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
(9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
(10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process.
(11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
(12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
(13) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
(14) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
(15) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
(16)Drink a beer.
(17) Friend shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
(18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
(19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
(20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
(21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
(22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
(23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
(24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
(25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
(26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
(27) Drink beer.
(28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
(29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
(30) Drink beer.
(31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
(32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
(33) Begin cussing fit.
(34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
(35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992).
(36) Beer.
(37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
(38) Beer.
(39) Beer.
(40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
(41) Beer.
(42) Lower car from jack stands.
(43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
(44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
(45) Beer.
(46) Test drive car.
(47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
(48) Car gets impounded.
(49) Call loving wife, make bail.
(50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!

[minigirl]

but seriously.......

i've never changed the oil in a car myself, but i know enough about cars to tell that juanito's post is a load of garbage. the amount of oil needed varies from car to car, but i can't imagine a car that would be small enough to only need a quart (one of those 1950's bubble cars perhaps?); it might be rather hard to remove several bolts from the oil pan, as there's usually just one; i think it might be better to tighten the bolts you loosened on the oil pan before you put the oil in and; why the @#*! would you put water in?

[Exodus]

I can't believe people are seriously questioning this guys instructions here . . .

First off . . .

Supplies needed:
1 quart motor oil
1 oil filter
1 cup water

Step #1- Locate oil filter and remove it
Step #2-Remove several bolts from the oil pan to allow oil to drain faster
Step #3- Put on new fuel filter
Step #4- Add motor oil
Step #5- Tighten Bolts you loosened on the oil pan
Step #6- Add 1 cup water to oil

Water?? Cup of water?! Right . . . If you want to lock your engine up and throw a rod. Loosen the oil pan?? There is no purpose to taking that off at all. Fuel filter?! Where did that come from?! OIL FILTER!!! Fuel filter's get changed every 30,000 miles, and Oil Filters every 3000. Again, no purpose to loosening anything on the oil pan, and if anyone is dumb enough to add water to your oil, your car deserves to blow up.

As for Minigirl's car joke . . . Yes, an oil change will cost a woman $55. Meanwhile, I can change my own oil, with full synthetic, and for about $29. I don't know any guy that spends that much time on an oil change at all.

[Bobin]

I think step 19 on Minigirl's instructions might be a mistake.

It would be easier to use the cat to soak up the spilled oil, instead of the kitty litter.

[minigirl]

Water?? Cup of water?!

yes, well, i'm surprised he didn't suggest throwing some sand in too........

[minigirl]

As for Minigirl's car joke . . . Yes, an oil change will cost a woman $55. Meanwhile, I can change my own oil, with full synthetic, and for about $29.

it's worth the extra $26 to keep your hands clean

[azraelle]

Thank You, Minigirl. You've made my day.
pmsl

[Exodus]

As for Minigirl's car joke . . . Yes, an oil change will cost a woman $55. Meanwhile, I can change my own oil, with full synthetic, and for about $29.

it's worth the extra $26 to keep your hands clean

Thats why I wear latex gloves when I change it so my hands stay happy-clean, lol

[azraelle]

As for Minigirl's car joke . . . Yes, an oil change will cost a woman $55. Meanwhile, I can change my own oil, with full synthetic, and for about $29.

it's worth the extra $26 to keep your hands clean

Thats why I wear latex gloves when I change it so my hands stay happy-clean, lol

You know, I never thought of that!! Good idea Exodus, except I'll use Nitrile gloves--latex comes apart in short order after exposure to gasoline and certain other organic solvents--paint thinner, especially.

[Exodus]

Nitrile? Never heard of those? I'll have to check into that. The latex gloves work, but like you said, once they get exposed to certain chemicals, they just explode apart, lol.

[azraelle]

Nitrile gloves cost about twice as much as latex gloves, but they are worth the price, not only for their solvent resistance, but their "feel", puncture resistance--and they don't itch.

[minigirl]

interesting - so there's a better alternative to latex to protect yourself with.....