by ALMOST DEAD INSIDE on Thu May 28, 2009 6:55 am
I am 32 years old, and the last 10 years of my life have almost killed me. I have 4 children, ages 12,11,10, and 9. My 2 oldest daughters have the same father, which I married when I was only 15 years old. I had been in foster homes and group homes for most of my life, but still managed to graduate high school a few weeks into my sophmore year. I stayed with him for many years, even though he beat me severely every day. At that point in my life, I thought that when you got married, you stayed, NO MATTER WHAT. I was living in Illinios, and after him putting me in a coma which lasted 6 days, I ran with my 2 daughters, (which were 2 and a half and 18 months old) to South Carolina. I was living with my father and step mother at the time, both of which whom I didn't know very well. ......this part of my story is very personal and very painful.......
My father started making advaces on me. Trying to get me to watch ponography with him and things like that. I had no family there, except him, and ended up moving in with a man that lived just down the street from my father. Although he was MUCH older than me, at 17 with no where to go, 2 beautiful daughters under age 3, I did what I thought I had to do at the time. I ended up pregnant within 3 months with my son, and he wanted us to be married before he was born. Seven weeks after he was born, I was pregnant with my last child. Our relationship was really bad, because of the 34 year age difference, and many other things. About 5 years into the marraige, my life was changed forever. My father vicously raped and sodomized me. After having a complete psychotic break, and being hospitalized for 3 months, I turned to drugs to ease my pain. I ended up completely consumed by crack cocaine.
Needless to say. my husband called The Department of Social Services, and my children were taken from me. For 2 and a half years, I jumped through hoop after hoop, doing whatever they required me to do. I then got extremely ill, and had to have 11 surgeries. During which I lost my job, and was not able to get another. What I didn't know , is also at this time, my first husband had been talking to my oldest daughters on the phone, and DSS was considering giving him custody of them. ( My two youngest children were with my 2nd husband, and he already had custody of them.) I had weekly visitation with all of the children, and then one week when I went to see them, my oldest daughters weren't there. When I asked my husband why, he laughed in my face, and told me that they were already in Missouri with their father. I cannot even begin to put into words what this did to me. Not long after then, my husband divorced me, and remarried before our divorce was even final. I began calling my children, but with my oldest 2, their father made it nearly impossible. I hired 5 different lawyers over the next 3 years, all of which would not take DSS to court. Once again, I turned to drugs. It has now been 6 and a half years that I have not been allowed to see or talk to my children. Although I am no longer on drugs, I still stuggle with it everyday. I have been in counseling for many years, but my mental health has become very fragile. I miss my children more than I can bear, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt them anymore than I already have, by not being mentally stable. There are times when I think that only death could ease my pain.
Are there any mothers out there that could offer any advice?
i have not become that person but back then i did not have enough faith in myself and i thought at the time it was best for my child to live with his father. Now being strong woman that i have become my biggest regret was not believing in myself 
