by ModestGoddess on Sun Jun 19, 2005 7:58 pm
I've recently come to the determination that I was never in love with him, that I was never even initially attracted to him; plus, the relationship was fairly emotionally abusive. (So needless to say, I'm coming to terms with a bunch of S*** right now.) I never acted on my same-sex desires during our relationship, and even pretty much repressed them to the point that I thought it had been "just a phase" (I was blind to any attractive people that surrounded me, and my then-boyfriend kind of ridiculed me for having those feelings.) <p> Well, since the breakup, I've had sex with a few guys, all of which was very unfulfilling. And I've found myself once again attracted to women. However, even though I've made out with girls (once before the ex and I got together, and a few times since the breakup), I've never had sex with one. And I totally want to, if for no other reason than to help me know better if that's what I want. However, I don't want it to be as a random hook-up, as part of a threesome or whatever; I want it to be with someone I'm dating (or at least someone I respect and value as a person). However, I'm afraid that most women who actually date women (as opposed to just drunkenly sleep with them) wouldn't want to date someone who is so confused. And I wouldn't want to prematurely claim an identity, start dating one, only to later find that I was wrong (and potentially hurt them). But I don't know how to become less confused except by gaining experience. And I've read all these things that say you shouldn't call yourself "bisexual" if you've never had sex with the same sex; you are "bicurious" instead (but that is something that is definitely looked down upon by people who are clear about their sexuality, by women who date women). <p> So, I guess what I'm looking for advice in a couple ways. First, I'm know you all can't define my sexuality for me, but maybe you could help me gain a little insight. Is it just that I've had bad experiences (emotionally and sexually) with men, and now I want to be with women? Or could it be that I really do prefer women (which could explain not enjoying sex with men and not ever being superattracted to any guy) but have not always fully accepted it, for whatever reason (internalized homophobia, having an unsupportive and manipulative boyfriend, etc). Or do I like both men and women? And how do I become more clear on all of this if I don't want to just go out and have meaningless sex with a girl (because I know that approach with guys certainly did not make anything clearer for me)? Especially if I'm shy and have difficulty flirting with guys, let alone girls. Thanks a bunch
