breaking up over committment phobia w/kids

kristi · Guest

I have an ongoing issue that I need some help with. I'm divorced with three little boys; 14, 12, 9...and I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 1/2 years. He also has 2 kids, 16 & 14. We have a great relationship and when it's just the 2 of us, life is wonderful and I spend the night at his house like we live together (which we don't). Things can get crazy when all the kids are around but it's still good. We have talked about moving in together, but he drags his feet. Now, we've at least made it to the point that he's remodelled his basement, added 2 bedrooms, but dragging his feet with the carpet because that will mean he'll have to make a choice. I've considered breaking it off several times, only because I see this pattern of us living in 2 houses while I play step-mom when if works for him.

In the summer, I have my kids every 3rd week and he has his every other week, so we're all out of sorts. I just don't know what to do, he says it's not me, he's just not sure if we can handle all 7 of us...although he doesn't ever hide "us" when talking to other people, he likes to say we have 5 kids, I think just to shock people.

What do you think...if I force him to make a choice, will I lose him? Or if I just tell him I love him and I'm sorry he couldn't love me the same, and I walk out letting him soak in the fact that I'm gone, will that make him realize what we had?

If you can help, please do...thanks.

Polgara69 · Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject:

Its a difficult one but I do think you need to talk to him at least. Maybe if he thought of you not being around he might buck up a little and 3 and half years is a long time to have not made any more commitment if you were going to. Have a chat about where you are going and see what he says.

Kristi · Guest

We had that "talk" a lot, usually it goes something like, he just doesn't know if that's what he wants, then I over-react and say maybe we should just call it quits, then he back-tracks and says he'll think about it some more, but I don't think he really does. Then life goes back to normal and we continue to look at life like we'll always be together, but we never head in that direction. I really love him, or I probably wouldn't be here still, it just seems silly to call it quits when there isn't a relationship problem in regard to us getting along....it's just that I feel like I'm living in 2 worlds. My latest thought was that I should just let him think I'm done trying and maybe he'd have to think about it for real...but I don't know if he will. He loves my kids and I love his, it's just that he's been divorced for 12 years and having a "family" underfoot all the time kinda freaks him out...thanks for your suggestion, we may have to give it one more talk.

glidewest · Last edited by glidewest on Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

glidewest · Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:31 pm Post subject:

also some of the kids are getting older and may be going to university soon, perhaps this would be a better time to look at moving in together as the older children start to have their own lives

Polgara69 · Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 9:10 pm Post subject:

To be honest I have to agree with that one as it parallels my life somewhat. Me and toyboy cant really move on as yet because of similar circumstances but also a Nana in the mix. And they dont mix! So if we are to move in that direction, then we are probably looking at waiting till kids are older. So I am looking for another 4 years at least. But try talking again if that is what you want and make it clear that you want to move on and if it doesnt happen in a certain time frame then you might have to think about moving on. Or accept the situation the way it is and make the most of what you have. This one is up to you really because only you know if what you have is worth hanging onto or are you looking for a push? Good luck hun.