Should I date my ex-boyfriend?

[Rayne08]

My ex-boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me a short time ago because he does not want a serious relationship right now, and wants to know what its like to date (he’s only had serious relationships). The first few days I was a wreck and didn’t think I could make it, but now I’m okay. The only thing is, I still want to be in his life and he only gave me one choice in order to do that-we have to date. He doesn’t want to be just friends (really not my ideal either but if it is the only way) because if he is around me he wants to be able to hold me and kiss me and such. But, he wants to be able to date others if they come along. I think I am strong enough to handle this (although I get jealous easily), and to be honest he isn’t great looking to the general public (he grew on me lol) so if anything I would probably date more then he would if he would at all due to lack of interested parties.

So I’m just wondering if this is a lousy idea or not? I think that maybe if we take it slow this time along that eventually we will get serious again and that would be great because even though he’s somewhat immature right now, I really do still love him and want to see what comes of this. He also has told me several times that he still loves me too and cares about me, but really isn’t emotionally ready for something serious right now ( and he's never once lied to me in our relationship so I believe him after the fact). The only thing that bothers me is that I won’t be the most important person in his life now, but I want to be in his lifem period. And I know that I could potentially get hurt again by him if he gets jealous or this doesn’t work out, but in some respect I just want to try it out with him and see how it goes. Bad idea? somewhat good idea? Do we still say I love you? do I call him my boyfriend? How should I go about this?

Thanks
Rayne

PS im 21 and he's 22 if that makes a difference

[Verve]

Ok… this is a bad idea. However, because of your age I’ll give you the go ahead. You’re still young and know nothing. You have to learn and accept certain things in life. You’re not ready to have him not be a part of your life. What will make this relationship work is if you’re really mature to handle what might happen in the future. You might fall madly in love and be rejected by him. You might think he is the only one for you and when he finally comes around you are no longer interested. For now it’s a safe playing field for the both of you, you’re growing and learning what you want out of life. The one issue I have from your post is you sound so in need that you’ll let this man walk all over you. Promise me, the moment he devalues the relationship you’ve put in place and the respect is no longer there, walk away.

I’m just being nosey… Did he bring up the f*ck buddy factor?

[MaxtheGaul]

Actually I think it's a good idea. You're both too young to be locked into a relationship, so enjoy, go and explore a few more guys and girls and learn. The fact that you both seem up for it is great, just be aware that sometimes there will be pain, but it's all part of learning.

[Cambridge]

I think it's a good idea that you both go your separate ways. I think it's a bad idea that you have any kind of relationship with expectations...that's what you are saying, isn't it?

Break it off for 10-12 months and then, if you still want, get together and have a play date (no, not sex...but golf or tennis or something). Or, if he still just wants to grope you, forget him.

[coolman]

because if he is around me he wants to be able to hold me and kiss me and such.

what can be understood by "and such"? Is sex still a part of your relationship?

Don't fall into the trap that many women fall into and let him USE you by becoming his fallback F*** if he doesn't happen to pull anyone else. . . you need to have more respect for yourself than that.

Women have a much easier time getting dates than guys do. Start dating ALOT and see if he doesn't suddenly decide that he doesn't want to date around anymore.

Either way you will wind up the loser if you let him have casual sex with you while he's allowed to go looking for tail elsewhere. No you don't tell him you love him or call him your boyfriend. He broke up with you. Make it plain and simple for him. Either we go out exclusively or we can only be friends. No kissing, holding "and such".

Sorry, but that is the way it is, sweetie.

[Rayne08]

I do want to clarify something because i'm not sure I stated it correctly. We dated for almost a year and we were very serious and in love. Then this last month he just wasnt happy. It has something to do with his own self/issues and we were fighting alot about stupid crap. Which is why he can't just be friends and chill. He wants to be able to kiss and hug me, and yes even sleep with me.

About the " fallback F***"...he made a point to tell me that he didn't want to seem like he was using me and didn't want me to get hurt in anyway. He has never been that kind of guy to just take advantage of me. He has pushed me at times, but I have never done it with him without wanting to. He even told me that I was dumb for even wanting to try this dating situation out. But I still love him very much and feel like that if we can work through this, then maybe we were meant to be. If he/I meet someone else then so be it. I really do want him as much as he still wants me, so I don't have issues with sleeping with him while we are just dating. In fact, maybe it will even help him be closer to me and not want to share me with other guys??

We did decide that we are going to date each other and if other potentials pop up then we will each go for it and see what happens. I hope though that after a while of "dating" me and being casual that he will remember why we fell in love in the first place and want to be monogamous once again. I'm not in a hurry to start dating but I am kindof excited to be able to have this freedom while still working on our relationship. As of now, he doesn't have anyone else and the only place he will find someone is _ so unless he tries really hard, I don't think it will happen for quite some time.

Maybe after a month or so of dating me he will snap out of it and realize he doesn't want to share me anymore? Is there anything in particular I can do to convince him without seeming like I'm trying at all? Like not calling him or making him make the plans etc? I want to make us work, but I don't want him to think that he is the only guy in my life...even when he may be for a while...

[coolman]

I obviously don't know him and can't possibly know his intentions. I still think that continuing a casual sex (fuckbuddy) relationship with him will just cause more pain for you when he does find someone else.

You will always want more and he doesn't (at least not right now).

You know in your mind, if not in your heart, that this can't go well. . . you will be making love to him and he will just be F****** you.

[sugar&spice]

I totally agree with Coolman, it sounds like he's using you.

[coolman]

I totally agree with Coolman, it sounds like he's using you.

problem is, she won't take the advice. She's hoping that he will come back to her if she keeps putting out. She won't admit that we were right until she has already had her heart ripped out again.

He told her she was stupid to want to date him. That tells me that he isn't really interested in her anymore, but if she wants to still have sex . . .

I'm sorry, Rayne08, but I think this is a huge mistake. I've been the guy in that situation and I can tell you that I was in heaven. Getting sex from my ex while looking for the new one . . . great for him, probably very painful for you.

[Rayne08]

He told her she was stupid to want to date him. That tells me that he isn't really interested in her anymore, but if she wants to still have sex . . .
.

maybe you are right, and i am going to get hurt. But he has never been that kind of guy to use me for any purpose. When we broke up he said there might be a small chance we could get back together, and him agreeing to date was a very positive thing in my mind. Maybe he still wants to try to work it out and see if i'm the one without rushing into anything serious again? He broke up with me mainly because he didn't want anything serious right now but maybe if I casually date him he will eventually come around?

Last night when we saw each other it was weird because we did everything we use to...went out to eat, played some games, and the whole time he called me sweetie. It was weird to hear, but really nice because it felt like we were together again. Then at the end he asked if I felt weird because he did because we were dating, and I said not really. I don't know, it feels right and I guess a little wrong as well.

[Verve]

Coolman, have you learned nothing since you've been at FF. No one listens to us...

Rayne08, oh honey... I don't even know where to begin. Um... You’re not emotionally or mentally equipped to handle this situation. The reason why I told you to go ahead with it is mainly because you’re young. At some point in life you have to leave the "birds nest" and fly on your own. You’re not mature enough for this game. But I want you to live and learn. You have to get your experience about men in your book of life. This is a new chapter in your life. Be ready for it... make the best of it. Have no regrets. The reason I asked about the f*ck buddy question is because that’s where you headed. If you really want to know if he genuinely cares then take sex out of the equation. I know his d*ck sweet since you can’t let go of him but see what happens when he’s denied that joy. Also start looking for other men to stimulate you in every way.

[MaxtheGaul]

Verve, at this stage we don't even know if they've had a sexual relationship, or how old they are. Just that they are obviously young.

I think she should spread her wings and if her "ex" is still good to be with include him, but not exclusively. She needs to get out and meet more guys.

[Verve]

Also start looking for other men to stimulate you in every way.

Did you read her post ..ages are at the bottom. As you can see I want her to spread more than her wings. I just want to give her man a worthy test that's all.

[Cambridge]

I do want to clarify something because i'm not sure I stated it correctly. We dated for almost a year and we were very serious and in love. Then this last month he just wasnt happy. It has something to do with his own self/issues and we were fighting alot about stupid crap. Which is why he can't just be friends and chill. He wants to be able to kiss and hug me, and yes even sleep with me.

About the " fallback F***"...he made a point to tell me that he didn't want to seem like he was using me and didn't want me to get hurt in anyway. He has never been that kind of guy to just take advantage of me. He has pushed me at times, but I have never done it with him without wanting to. He even told me that I was dumb for even wanting to try this dating situation out. But I still love him very much and feel like that if we can work through this, then maybe we were meant to be. If he/I meet someone else then so be it. I really do want him as much as he still wants me, so I don't have issues with sleeping with him while we are just dating. In fact, maybe it will even help him be closer to me and not want to share me with other guys??

We did decide that we are going to date each other and if other potentials pop up then we will each go for it and see what happens. I hope though that after a while of "dating" me and being casual that he will remember why we fell in love in the first place and want to be monogamous once again. I'm not in a hurry to start dating but I am kindof excited to be able to have this freedom while still working on our relationship. As of now, he doesn't have anyone else and the only place he will find someone is _ so unless he tries really hard, I don't think it will happen for quite some time.

Maybe after a month or so of dating me he will snap out of it and realize he doesn't want to share me anymore? Is there anything in particular I can do to convince him without seeming like I'm trying at all? Like not calling him or making him make the plans etc? I want to make us work, but I don't want him to think that he is the only guy in my life...even when he may be for a while...

See, Rayne, women fall for the “soft-tissue” stuff of relationships so much more than do men. (I do hope that metaphor conveys the right idea.) I read your words, and I only hear his words indirectly, but I'm thinking he says one thing, and you hear only your dreams. This kind of thinking is prevalent in young women (I raised two daughters). Look at the he-said/you-said dialectic in the following:

we were very serious and in love. Then this last month he just wasnt happy.

I mean, do you get it? Also, men try…honestly try to be truthful…and tell you that you are not looking out for your own interests:

he made a point to tell me that he didn't want to seem like he was using me and didn't want me to get hurt in anyway. He has never been that kind of guy to just take advantage of me. He has pushed me at times, but I have never done it with him without wanting to. He even told me that I was dumb for even wanting to try this dating situation out. But I still love him very much and feel like that if we can work through this, then maybe we were meant to be.

But, look where you end up. Sweetie, that’s why I'm saying you’ve got to draw lines…for him, but also for yourself. You’re pudding in his hands…and he’s not evil…but he’s got that certain something in his jeans (no, that wasn’t genes ).

Draw lines. That’s what I was saying above. Draw lines for the relationship. That doesn’t mean those lines can’t be torn down eventually, but draw some lines now to steer by.

[Rayne08]

yes we have had a very sexual relationship and we are young. I know he's not using me, because it's not like he only calls me if he wants to f*** or something. Today he even called me to tell me something he thought was funny, then told me he was working late and wasn't going to see anyone (he told me last night that he might see his friends). Doesn't that sound very boyfriendy to you? I can't determine if he just really needs space to do his own thing or what.

So I think i'll try it for a month or so and see what happens. I really don't expect him to meet someone right away but I guess I will also have to keep in mind that I could get hurt again and potentially not be the one for him. But I really feel like he could be the one and I want to do anything to make us work, even if I have to wait for him to mature and see what he has in front of him...