Ok, here's the story. It's quite unusual and takes some explaining, so bear with me.
I was 22 years old when I met this girl at work. She was 19. Straight away there was an instant attraction. She had a boyfriend at the time, but it wasn't working. We started dating about a month after they broke up. I didn't cause this break up, but I may have been the catalyst.
Anyway, things were great for about four months. We really liked each other and spent a lot of time together. All the usual happy couple stories.
But right from the beginning I wasn't honest with her. She had a lot of sexual experience for her age, I had none.
I had never met a girl before that I wanted to give my virginity to. But at 22 you feel a little left behind being one of only a few virgins. So you're willing to give it to anyone just to get it over with.
Of course, I didn't tell her that. In fact I didn't even tell her I was a virgin. Stupid huh?. My thinking at the time was this: If I really like a girl, and she likes me, does it matter?. We probably wouldn't know each other for too long anyway, so what's the point in making it into a big deal? It might be off-putting for her.
Of course it's a big deal, I realise that now. I was so nervous every time we had sex that I didn't perform all that well. My heart beat so fast every time that I wasn't relaxed at all. Despite this she was really sweet and made out she didn't care.
This should of been my first indication that she really did care about me. Instead I got it into my head that if I continued to act uncomfortable with her in this regard I would lose her forever.
Instead of seeing her I spent all my time at college, I hardly saw her for three months during my exams. Exams being my excuse for our lack of contact. But the truth was I just didn't want to disappoint her. This must of given her every indication that I no longer cared for her, when in fact I didn't want to lose her by messing things up in bed.
She asked me out all the time, I always said I had too much college work.
She broke up with me in a really cold way, by simply ignoring me as she probably felt I was doing to her. I went to her house to find out what was going on. She told me she didn't want to see me again, but wouldn't give a reason why.
A month later I wrote a really desperate letter pleading with her. Every now and than I remember a line I wrote in the letter and have to put my fist in my mouth to stop me screaming with embarrassment.
When she didn't reply I called her, She said things just come to an end, but I could hear in her voice she was really angry with me and she sounded hurt.
If I was honest from the beginning I would of been more relaxed with her, and when things came to an end she wouldn't of been so relentless in ditching me without a kind word.
It's stupid to think that you can give something as personal as your virginity to someone and expect not to give them your heart as well. Now its been five months, yet still, every second of every day I think about her.
I want to be totally honest with her about her being my first, it would explain the way I acted with her. If she wasn't angry that I lied, she might forgive me. But the truth is I will probably never see her again, I can't hassle her a third time without looking desperate and needy. And such a confession would seem strange coming out of the blue.
She is my first love. I messed things up in a big way. I don't care about other fish in the sea. I've never met a girl like her. I suppose some might say, if we really cared each other there would of been no secrets between us, but I was scared of losing her. I wanted to be honest but felt I left it too late.
Is this a tragic case of some deranged under experienced boy, or an understandable case that could be forgiven?
Do you think I should confess all, or would this destroy the tiny amount of self respect I still have in her eyes?. I want to fight for her, but I might just make the situation far worse. (don't say that it couldn't get much worse!). When things were good between us, they were really good.
