by salf » Mon Sep 12, 2005 10:34 am
Hi
Just came across this site and wonder why so many of us women stick with men who continue to treat us badly. Men in general don't seem to be so tenacious.
I met my ex boyfriend 2 and a half years ago and was mad about him from the start. I regularly felt a bit rejected, that sometimes I was unwelcome, and crowding him, and tried to ignore these feelings. He was having difficulty adjusting to his marriage break up and his wife had started a new relationship. I thought he would 'catch up' with my feelings with time.
He told me he had had an affair, that it had stopped and he'd been for counselling and done everything to prove it, but his wife believed it continued. Also that his wife had turned him out, he'd gone to see the woman, then booked into a hotel and his wife and the other woman turned up, questioned him for 2 hours then his wife made him choose! I later found out that his wife caught him in public phone boxes, that the affair had continued, and she finally gave up on him.
9 months into our relationship I found a woman's name and phone number, on a scrap of paper, threw it away, guessed it was old.
My feelings of rejection got worse and we talked about splitting up, he said I was his stability and didn't want us to, but then often said he didn't know what he wanted. 14 months into our relationship, after he'd been on a 'works social' I looked at his phone and saw he'd been talking to the name I'd seen months before. He was really angry when I confronted him about it and didn't speak to me for 2 weeks. Offered no explanation until pushed. My suspicions were aroused and 2 weeks later I discovered he had lots of secret women friends, had been on chatlines every night not with me, and spent £80-£120 a month doing that. Also occassional sex lines and contact lines.
I was devastated, and so shocked for all the implications. After some months of him saying he was sorry, didn't think he'd done anything wrong, and hadn't met anyone, we got back together. I wanted him to be completely honest about what had happened, what he'd done and why. But he dismissed it all as nothing. My anxieties weren't reassured, and I kept on looking through his things. Discovered he had been seeing someone else for first 4 months of our relationship, he still maintains 2, and became suspicious and obsessed with finding out the truth. Became more and more anxious, suspicious and hurt. His explanations were guarded and limited. I felt him behaving towards me as he had done in the beginning, lost my confidence self-esteem and questioned my own instincts.
He finished with me in January, because of my behaviour. Went straight back on chatline and berated me to mutual friends. I felt rejected, abandoned and felt I was losing my mind. It's been so painful. I started seeing a guy who I trust, and who has loved me from a distance for 5 years. As soon as I did, my boyfriend said that he had wanted to get back together with me but I'd ruined it. Since then we have continued to have contact by text or email and in turn have been hurt and angry and berated each other but not been able to let go. He told me he had sex with someone from work, but had not met anyone from chatline or had sex with anyone else. I've learned this is not true, and he'd slept with a barmaid from our local. We got back together for a couple of weeks, when I said we needed to be totally honest and go from there. He didn't tell me about the barmaid, she text him expecting to go round to his flat, on a night I wasn't expected to stay.
I've had counselling, feel much stronger, did resume my relationship with the other guy, and have tried to force myself to move on. He has continued to text me, with insults about the other guy, telling me I've made a big mistake, and that he wants the guy out of the way then he will talk. I have worried that I am rebounding, and taken advantage of my friend, so have put some distance there. Can't help be influenced by what is said, and don't understand why I still hope and expect him to be make things right, be honest and fair when he hasn't ever before.
I'm a grown up, intelligent and experienced woman, not coping with having my heart broken, and life's disappointments. Can see the logic of cutting off all contact but don't seem able to let go emotionally, keep having conversations with him in my head.
I can identify with the problems caused by these compulsive liars. It's so demoralising.
I have been married to a compulsive liar for 21 years. It took me 19 of those years to finally realize just HOW big of a liar he is. Two years ago I began to discover evidence of an affair (i.e. condoms in his glove box, cell phone records, recorded conversations with another woman, unexplained visits out of town to his hometown that I couldn't accompany him, the list is endless). In the middle of all of this fray, I found out he had actually hit on a young lady that used to ride to church with us. He's a "ho" too. Believe it or not I'm still with him. I became this pathetic, whimpering sack of nothing, when I made these discoveries because I thought that each time I confronted him I would get the truth and we could work on our marriage. Well the truth was not forthcoming. I believe he is still involved with this woman though I haven't bothered lately to track him. I'm fed up though. The only reason he didn't end up on Cheaters T.V. is because I didn't want to embarrass our only son by having his dad exposed on national T.V. I really should leave the b***** shouldn't I?
