Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them). Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
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