Lying husband who's not showing me love

[FeelingAlone]

I feel my life is spinning out of control. My husband lies to me about little things but it's all the time. Though he says he loves me everyday and kisses me every morning he doesn't show me love. I feel like the kisses in the morning are just jestures of what he feels is suppose to happen in a relationship. Right now it has been 4 days since we have talked and this is not the first time this has happend....Going back 4 days ago. He went to work on a Saturday (not normal) he told me he would be there by himself and for one hour. about 3 hours had passed and I called his job. To my shock his female supervisor answered. I said "hello" and asked for him and she said "oh he left you can catch him in the car...he said you would be mad because he was late". Later when he got home I asked him if he was at work alone and if it was boring being by himself he said he was alone but it was ok. I asked him similar questions like that for the rest of the night until I finally asked him for the last time. He said the same thing again, only this time I didn't have the same response. I asked if he was alone why did his supervisor answer his phone. He said if she was there I didn't see her. THen I said well she told me she spoke to you. He kept saying I don't remember. I asked him to stop and think before he disrespected me by lying to my face. He continuted to say he never saw her there. Then I told him what she said. He suddenly remembered. He didn't apologize, or explain...he just remembered. I never thought he was cheating before and really don't think he is now. He has these simple lies all the time. I'm upset because he hasn't even tried to talk to me about it or say what's wrong why aren't you talking to me (for 4 days). I lay the opposite way in the bed. He doesn't ask why. I don't like to live like this at all. Everytime he does something I have to come to him and say you really hurt me so bad and why don't you come to me to talk. If I'm not the one who did wrong why do I have to keep coming to him. He doesn't care to make the situation better he leaves it up to me like everything else in our lives. I'm so lost. I feel so unhappy.

[P_1984d]

It sounds really suspicious that he went into work on a saturday. And the fact he lied about being on his own. I certainly think there is something going on here. But since he's a known liar, then he's obviously not gonna admit it to you, so I suggest you either do some detective work, or pay somebody to do it for you. Maybe you should follow him? Its the only way to find out for sure!

[scorned]

Well to me it seems as she is going through the same as I did. Everytime I spoke to my husband about something I found out that he did not tell me I would grill him and then threaten to do something else. I even went to have someone follow him and did my own detective work. This was done by me calling his office asking people who answered the phone where he went and how long has been gone. This included was he at the smoke shack when he told me that he stopped smoking and I smelled smoke on him. I would ask the five w's and he would lie. I started to do things like calling old boy friends and going out all the time with friends I knew that cheated on their husbands and boyfriends. They conviced me that is what I should do. I asked them for advice and they would give their advice and opions. I even did what they suggested to do. TO me it sounds like you needed someone to vent to. I think if you would have went to him and stated that you wanted to talk and not do like most women do and say we need to talk and let him start conversation everytime you have problem. Not saying the problems he caused. But saying that, he probably thought that everything was okay did not know that you had issues about things and wanted to discuss them with him. Also if you just wanted to vent about things you should just simply stated he I need to vent about somethings and not trying to have arguement about those issues just need you to listen thats all. Well with me it went all the way back when we started to date. He would make me made and I would have sex with other guys because I wanted him to be jealous. We never talked about so it happened several other times. Then he left for the weekend and I decided that I did not want to be with him anymore. So I slept with one and when he called me I told him that everything was fine. We talked for hours about the things wrong and when he came back it was okay to him. I never told him about that situation. Then things started to go wrong and we were still together and he started to call my sell phone all the time and questioning me if I had been cheating on him. I told hime no I haven't cheated on him. I then played little games on him to see what would happened if I actually did. Well left but the came back and stated if you ever cheat on me then I would leave you. We would still argue and not talk to each other about the issues we had. Not knowing his true feelings and not know that I decided to really vent when a close male friend from the past stopped in town for a coulpe of days. He knew this friend as only a male friend and that was it. He did not know that this friend was a fix every now and then. I had to see this friend. When I went to see him the friend told me that I was not on the top of his friend list anymore and that I was second to evryone eles. I had heated arguments with his family members about the outcome me going to my friend. I told my boyfriend that I would never talk this person but turned around three days later and started back speaking the friend and even suggest my boyfriend to get to know him. I was upset when they hit it off and became friends. So then we got married with children and things started to progress on. We were fighting all the time and not having sex and sleeping in seperate rooms. Finally I started to come clean with all of the skeletons in my closet. When he found out I said it would never happen again. A couple years later I explain to that my friend was one of those people that I could not trust myself around. Even though I knoew that this friend has cheated on other women with me. I still wanted him in my life. We spoke about the things that were going on in my life. He suggested that I leave my husband to marry him and that things would be better. I thought hard about but told him that I made a vow to love this man to death. I stayed. My husband never cheated on me at all. He call his female friend and even went to see them. The reason why I said he never cheated on me is because I asked on of his friends have they done anything else beside what they said that happened. She stated to me that they talked about it but that was it and after that he stopped talking to me!!! But I know that they wanted him but just didn't say anything. He would tell me their conversations and I would automatically think he was lying to me. We I knew men lie. But that was because I started to nag about every little thing. Got even worse when I quit my due sexual harrassment. I would not do anything around the house for more than 4 months. I called him at his job to let him know that I was bored and wanted to talk with someone. He come home and not speak to me and I would get so upset that I would start a argument so I storm out of the house. Well when I came back on the next day he would ask about my evening and told I went here with my best friend and then we watch to see if her man was doing stuff and then went back to her place and then here. Even though its was something totally different then that. After about two weeks of not talking he came to me and asked if their was something wrong and we had the worst argument ever. I started to try my best to cut him with a knife and then I kicked him out. We talked about two weeks later at nice place to eat and I told him everything that I did that night I went out. He started to let me know his feelings. He stated that he did not trust me around other guys since I told him what happened when we were dating. And since that he could not trust me he did not respespect to do the right things like spend money when we did not have any extra. Nor did he feel like I respected him as being a man or to defend me when people to me any way or to stop his family from talking to like I was S***. We had two kids toether. He loves them alot. With all that is said. I told my husband the true and what I expect from him as man and he told me what expected of me as woman. We came to a decided that if things was to run better we would forgive each other and not through stuff from the past in eath other faces when we got mad. Not disresepect each other and work on the conversation together. Meaning if he had something to say it and see what I would say and through anything out but listen. I was to listen before I jump to conclusions about anything.Basically you need to talk to him and not get pissed off because something major has changed in your life like quitting or losing a job. Because he probably just went to work and got stressed from work and simply did not remember that person was their. Not that he cheating on you. Hell if wanted to you would have known by now I think. Look plain and simple give the man a chance to be the man and stop trying to be the dominating force in the house. That does not help things. And from reading your post and if that was me you probably kicked him out of the house already and told him don't call or come back. That is not what a marriage is about. And PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW THAT HAS ROCKY RELATIONSHIPS AND THAT THEY ALREADY CHEATED ON THEIR MEN BEFORE. They are already scorned. Look if your heart loves this man then you can make peace and kids out of this forever. Belive me I am on my fouth child and he loves me like it was the first time he ever told me. Listen to him and work things out.

[FeelingAlone]

Wow your life sounds familiar. Except one part...my husband never has anything to say to me and he sits there emotionless while I cry my eyes out. No hug or baby don't cry just no emotion. He lies about little things all the time. Talks everyones ear off and then comes home and says he has nothing to say. He changes his work hours I thought to be home more but then I find out that the new girl has the same work hours. But honestly I never thought he was cheating on me, I still don't, I'm just tired of not feeling loved and being lied too. I'm mean he's the type he would rather email me than tell me his feelings to my face. It's funny because when I ask him he has nothing to say. Nothing at all. If he could show me some emotion and fight for his family than I would see the love. I need someone who express and shows how much they love me. His oldest son asking about him everyday (before school, after school and at dinner) and even after I told him that daddy may not be coming home again he got out of school and said "I really hope daddy his home when we get there". It hurts that he misses his dad but not more than feeling unloved.

[scorned]

Hey, I know that it hurts you alot but I know that it hurts him the same way. Guys seems to show their feelings a different way than women. They like to keep stuff in until its to much on their plate to handle then they start to let you know their feelings. Like my husband trust is the biggest feeling that he has and then its respect and love. This was told to when we had that talk when I put all the chips on the table. The lying all the time maybe defense of some kind to since you probably try to catch him in a lie all the time. The work thing I REALLY don't think he would cheat on you with the new girl from work or anybody at that matter. If their are skeletons in you closet you let them go and see their is skeletons in his closet and just be up front with him. Then slowly ask him how his feeling are what they are and try to work on the the issuses. With the kids, where in the world you find a guy that will take care of kids from a different father not have none of his own. Sounds to me that your husband maybe the the father you need and the husband you need but you all just need to talk and don't try to rush the changes on him. Yes it takes time for them to take in effect. You may not see them at first but once you do you will not miss it. It took my husband 4 years to trust me enough to let me hang out with my male friends again. Yes their was offers but I let them know that the man for me is at my house and I will be going home to him. Then when I got home I let him know what happened and see what his reactions are. But like I said you need to talk to him like he is a man and not sream, yell or trap him in the answers. Look did you ask him about the new girl and the sistuation at work? I mean sometimes you do forget things and sometimes you get so stressed at work that you simply just don't remember. Do this for me look at the whole situation from his eyes and tell me would you do the same things that he did.

[Pia]

I completely agree with scorned on this one. You just have to be straight forward don't go around the bushes when asking questions. Tell him the kids need their dad, his priority should be his family. Why not change his work schedule to spend more time with them? When kids are involved you owe it to them to put them first.

[FeelingAlone]

If my husband wants to talk he knows where I live. I won't be asking him anything after 5 years it's his turn to express his feelings to me without me saing anything. He needs to have a huge jester of love. Not material, just huge showing of feelings and then he needs to express everything on his mind. Like I said last time he would rather send a email than come home and say I'm your husband and I love our family....like it's a game. I'm done playing games.

Well thank you for the advise I'll keep it in mind.

[mandyelizabeth]

Game playing only makes the situation worse. Even though a person can think they are winning, they are not. Games mess with your own head as well as your partners head. Wait for him to come to you, and see what happens. Was he loving before? If he has changed 'personality' it could mean he is up to something. I find that I can't love two people at once or be with two people at once. I've tried it. Its certainly not normal but you can feel like you have a split personality. Even though some people can live like this and get away with it. If your partner just turns away from you suddenly, like not loving you, or talking to you, like he once did, then you catch him out on lies, that's a pretty obvious sign, don't you agree? Best wishes

[Bishette]

my exhusband is a compulsive liar. he would lie about everything, and i mean everything. from the smallest, unimportant things, things there was no logical reason to lie about... to huge massive great whoppers such as having an affair with my sister and fathering her child while we were still together.

i could never, ever understand at the time why he would choose to lie about small things. they were things that he knew would be found out. it was lies to the point of the ridiculous, petty trivial things that there was no reason to lie about. he would respond exactly the same way too, he'd offer no explanation or reasons why he'd lied, i'd tell him how much i hated it, he'd say ok i won't lie to you again, then the next day he'd be telling me something ridiculous again!

since being apart with him i've discovered that he actually lies far more than i'd ever realised. i really believe its compulsive, that half the time he doesn't know whats real and whats not. what i find scary is how well he does it, how he can look you straight in the eye and swear blind that the sky is pink.

My husband lies to me about little things but it's all the time.

in my experience those who lie about the little things all the time also lie about the big things too. they feel a need to deceive everyone all the time, even about trivial things, it's some kind of power trip for them. i could never again trust anyone who told me even the smallest lie for no apparently good reason.

[Deborae']

Why don't you ask yourself the simple question of "When did this all start?" Then you may have a motive, I must say he sounds like a coward to me and I can't stand compulsive liars. Which he definitely qualifies to be, he needs some serious work. He seems to be selfish too or maybe he just doesn't care Why? Is it because he has found a new interest to waste his breath on. It's ridiculous that you have to keep being the one to purpose the conversations , he needs a wake up call. You know how he works do something that going to put some fire under his butt, Get a reaction one way or another.

[FeelingAlone]

All your comments where great. As far as my husband cheating on me I really don't think that is the case. If you knew him you would be able to tell that's not the case. Not to say that it can't happen. I am a strong believer that at some point during a marriage a spouse will cheat on the other. Right now I think he's just lazy and unmotivated. I also think he hasn't grasped the responsible spouse role. He just expects things will happen. He has a real laid back attitude which I think cause him to sit back an think eveything is ok.

I was a mom at a early age and have toke on responsibility early so it blows my mind when I see someone 4 years older than me not being as responsible. Only time will tell what is going to happen but I will try to be in it for the long hall.