Stressed out with my daughters behaviour, any suggest

[NJ]

My daughter is 6 yrs old. I moved in with my boyfriend 7 months ago andher behaviour is driving us both mad! She has an answer for everything, is incredibly cheeky and lies constantly. I've tried talking to her, grounding her, taking away her tv from her room, banning sweets etc, NOTHING works!!

I've tried "good behaviour charts" and rewarding good behaviour! That doesn't work either! She slams doors, screams and cries, stamps her feet etc, we are at our wits end and its starting to cause conflict between us as he thinks I'm too soft with her!

Any ideas?

[CarrieDoway]

When you say no mean it, if you say no sweets/treats/tv etc she gets no sweets/treats/tv etc , not just that day but until her behaviour is acceptable. If you can't stick to no meaning no don't say no as this just shows her that you don't mean it.
If she misbehaves make her sit somewhere in your sight but not so shes able to watch tv etc until she apologises. Don't send a child to bed etc as that can then cause bedtime problems and it also lets her get away from the situation that she has caused which acts as no punishment.
Check her diet, not the usual suspects (sweets and artificial colourings) look at other items. Foods with high natural colour, high natural sugar, typical allergy triggers (citrus fruit, eggs, nuts, gluten) should be first suspects. Don't completely eliminate any foods from a childs diet, it is tricky and it does take a while but is worth it.
My 1st couldn't eat carrots, red peppers, grapes or bananas or drink squash with natural colours (she was fine with the dreaded tartrazine) without turning into the child from hell. 2nd child was same but couldn't eat wheat products either, 3rd child had problem with strawberries and corn, might not sound too bad but you check how many things have corn in...most sweets, gravy etc etc. My 4th had probs with all the above but only if he ate them in larger quantities. They can all eat these foods in moderation now as I never totally stopped them and only had one from any group once or twice a week

PM me if you want any help with trying an elimination diet

[NJ]

Awww, thanks for the advice! I kinda do give in after a while, as does my boyfriend, for the "quiet life" but we're probably shooting ourselves in the foot by doing so.

Have been looking at the diet thing a bit recently after seeing a documentary on it, we've both noticed that she seems to become "uncontrolable" after she's had sweets, fizzy drinks, orange cordial, so I've been checking the E numbers on things I've been buying her recently. Hadn't given any thought to "normal" dietry food at all. Would u use this through a process of elimination?

[CarrieDoway]

Yes to find culprit foods is a case of elimination, but its fairly long winded. If for example you want to find out if wheat is a problem you need to stop all wheat breakfasts, breads, pasta, biscuits, many snack 'crisps' etc, if you notice an improvemnet in her behaviour you slowly introduce them back into her diet 1 at a time til you find her limit. If however there is no difference then reintroduce the wheat as normal and work on another group. It could take a few months but it really is worth it in the long run.
I suggested this to a friend whose little boy was very aggressive at times, it was wheat in his case, he was having a wheat breakfast and then toast or biscuits around 11 oclock, hes fine on just the breakfast, hes also fine if he has a none wheat breakfast and a wheat elevenses but 2 wheat meals in the space of a few hours was just too much for him. Hes now very much calmer, his nursery don't need to provide 1 on 1 care etc also in the process of elimination she found what triggered his eczema so as a result shes got a calmer child that no longer needs steroid cream...bonus!

You are right that giving in for a quiet life is shooting yourself in the foot (we've all done it tho) but as shes only 6 its by no means too late. Make sure that you and your boyfriend are united on this, no point giving your daughter ammunition to play one off against another (mine have all tried this against me and their dad) Only say no if you can stick to it, say maybe if you think you'll weaken but be aware that kids soon suss this out so dont make maybe another word for yes! (my kids asked recently if they could have something, I said maybe then overheard my 10 year old whisper to to his 6 year old brother 'brill, her maybe always means yes' after hearing this I made it a no!! )

[NJ]

lol, u'll have to tell her to whisper quietly next time!!

I am alot softer with her, where as my boyfriend stands his ground. But then I feel sorry for her, and sometimes go against what he says, or argue the point with him, which in turn causes an arguement.

Should I back him up even if I think he's being too harsh or is in the wrong?

He said she's playing us of against eachother where as I didn't think she would be that devious as she's only 6!

God, the joys of motherhood huh!

[CarrieDoway]

Firstly, am I right in thinking that your boyfriend isn't her dad?

You really need to discuss ground rules before starting as you will feel resentment if you back him up but don't feel happy about it. If he makes a decsion that you totally disagree with then you need to discuss it, and if you do take a softer approach try and disguise the change of heart..."you've been so good WE'VE decided blah blah", or "WE think that maybe you should be allowed to do blah blah afterall" Emphasising the "WE" makes it harder for her to try playing you off against one another. Its incredibly hard to find a middle ground at times and even harder if he isn't her dad as you could well feel that he has no right telling her what she can and can't do (I felt like it was only my job and my ex was dad to all 4!!) Try not to go against each other as she will use it, yes 6 year olds (and younger) are manipulative, not sure its devious as such just natural.

[Tinkerbell]

Hi NJ


Do I know how you feel! The arguements that my partner and I used to have about parenting,he's not my son's dad,but there is light at the end of the tunnel.My patner attended parenting classes ( i could'nt make the time due to work committments)we worked together and now my son's behavior is much much better.The main rules are
1.Back each other up,no matter what.If you disargee wait until the child can-not hear you and discuss it after.NEVER in front of the child.
2.If you can ignore the bad behaviour then do so(this is really hard).Don't ignore the child - just the behaviour. For example when the child is kicking etc start talking to the child calmly about something else ie their friends,school.If the child lashes out at you hold their arms firmly,get down to their level,make eye contact and say firmly NO.If behaviour continues then walk calmly away.The child will soon get bored.
3.Make a HUGE fuss of good behaviour,ring relatives and tell them how great she has been.Praise EVERYTHING.
4.Make sure that your child has at least 20 minutes a day of one to one time with you and the same with your patrner.Any activity will do- colouring in with her,playing a game,a wark around the park.Anything as long as it's one to one.

Hope these things help,it's a long road.........

Look into the food thing though,they may be a reason

Good luck,keep calm and keep smileing

[Guest]

Do a search on the internet for the Hyperactive Children's Support Group and the Feingold Diet. This will show you how to eliminate all dodgy additives and work out if she is sensitive to salicylates (naturally occuring aspirin) in foods. I've just started it on my son and the results are tremendous - a happy, settled, helpful, controlled and relaxed child. The stress levels in our houshold have plumetted!

Yes I suspect there's some element of competition for your attention, but your description was exactly what I've just been reading about in Dr Ben Feingold's book 'Why your Child is Hyperactive'.

I didn't used to think my son was hyperactive and I refused to believe in ADHD and the rest, but my research has opened my eyes.

I wish you every success in reducing your stress and helping your daughter.

[amoeba]

Do a search on the internet for the Hyperactive Children's Support Group and the Feingold Diet. This will show you how to eliminate all dodgy additives and work out if she is sensitive to salicylates (naturally occuring aspirin) in foods. I've just started it on my son and the results are tremendous - a happy, settled, helpful, controlled and relaxed child. The stress levels in our houshold have plumetted!

Yes I suspect there's some element of competition for your attention, but your description was exactly what I've just been reading about in Dr Ben Feingold's book 'Why your Child is Hyperactive'.

I didn't used to think my son was hyperactive and I refused to believe in ADHD and the rest, but my research has opened my eyes.

I wish you every success in reducing your stress and helping your daughter.

[Guest]

Just make sure you spend time with her doing something nice. Feeding the ducks, reading together, whatever. She may well be put out that you've both moved in with the boyfriend and this may be her way of showing it. I remember being her age: one of my mother's boyfriends moved in with us, and even though I'd liked him to begin with, I was VERY put out by the change to what had previously been mine and my mum's exclusive territory. When the two of them sided against me, threw my toys in the bin, ignored my screams and laughed at my tantrums, it made me even more resentful. But when one of them took the time out to go for a walk with me, draw with me, or read with me, I appreciated it so much. I stopped feeling like the gooseberry and more like an equal member of the household. Just my 2p worth.

[BX]

Have you tried the fish oils or anything that contains omega 3 and omega 6 - pumpkin seeds, Efalex. Also dont take away the sweets for the sweets sake, take them away because of the additives. Dreid apricots - go organic, give high glycaemic foods so she doesn't get blood sugar lows - ie avoid white flour, rice, pasta, sugar (and potatoes a bit) go for the brown stuff. Try good breakfast (not cereal )-oats, with grated apple, raisins, brown toast (check the additives in the bread), mid morning snack (again not sugary ) - anything to keep her blood sugar levels up. Plus lottsa cuddles, running around'n' fun.