Thank You Marilyn King !

[genekelly]

I read this, but I just don't get it!

[Lena]

neither do I ...................

THANK YOU MARILYN KING is a blog about moi . My past , daily life, people I know , and half -baked ideas. Sometimes even about FF but try to keep that to a minimum since I don't wnt to make trouble .

Do try to be positive since my life has taken a upswing in the past few years and the MARILYN KING clothes are sort of symbolic of me being more calm and clear about things .Including who /what I am good & bad and how to live.

[Lena]

My oh my , for the last few days we've been getting several hundred hits a day . I see my relationship problems are intersting to many people . Thanx for reading though , I do love writing & misery loves company .

It's monday morning just after 8 AM and we're still together , call me paranoid but I'm very very scared .Maybe later today we have a big talk or the way things have been going another fight about the Nevin issue . Karin's sleeping now .

Despite the black cloud hanging over me things went pretty good yesterday . The country club was hopping , the dining hall was packed with people for the big sunday brunch . The whole crew was in a good mood, Meghan has a deep tan from spending last week in Florida .She had a great time . May Wah was smiling from ear to ear and she seemed to waddle when she walked , she and the bf must be getting along very very good . Carlene the bartender was't there but May Wah told me she's been feeling real good lately too since her daughter Rachel is doing fine at college and Carlene has a man in her life . Charley Brown the chef who is from my old neighborhood and went to the same high school was feeling right fine too since he just got a new car ( a Chevy Impala) and his son in the army graduates next month and there all headed to the ceremony . As rotten as I feel these days was still happy for all of them and there mood did pick me up some .The tips were good too .

After that came home and the place felt cold and dark . But made a fire and had some wine and it got friendlier.The cats came out too , they love it when after we're gone one of us comes home and they can get petted and fed .Agatha kept meowing about something then it came to me her highness wanted her litter changed , once I did hers Fritz the alpha male came up and started meowing at me to change his too. Dealing with there competing is god training for motherhood or if I'm ever a manager at work . The wood floor was extra shiney and slicker from us waxxing it this week . Like the over grown child I am had fun starting to run from the front door then sliding into the kitchen

Karin had been at her folks for the usual sunday visit and got back later with a spinach pizza. She's still tired from the fighting too but tension still is in the air , no matter what we say or do you can feel it .However ( my bosses favorite word ) we were able to suit thru the news and watch some tv without starting to yell at each other and to my everlasting relief she didn't bring up anything Nevin .............

Seems many Democrats want Hilary to drop out of the race to avoid a huge fight with Obama that will only help Mc Cain .Maybe there right , the old fol is already trying to act like he is the president . But can't see Hilary quitting since she's a fighter and I do think she is entitled to be the president .Am sure the Republicans are going to go at Obama trying to make him look like some radical using as much as they can of the stupid talk by his preacher .

We also saw THE TUDORS on SHOWTIME .All about a king of England , I didn't know until Karin told me it was based on real history and people .Ofcourse moi has never claimed to be educated or a authority on England . You UK'ers do have a colorful history ! HENRY THE 8TH reminds me of a young MICHAEL from THE GODFATHER . THOMAS BOLEYN is sure scum , pimping his own daughters that way . Karin says in real life HENRY had ANNE BOYELYN'S head chopped off and now I feel bad watching her since she's one of my favorite characters .

Not much planned today , do think we need to spend some quality time together.Maybe that will do the trick and put us back where we were 2 weeks ago .I 'll see how things go and maybe bring up the whole Nevin thing . It's driving me nuts as it is .

Today in black leotard and jeans .................

[Lena]

Greetings from the land of nail biting and stomach churning anxiety ....................... We were together all day yesterday but there was a definite distance between us .It's amazing and sad how you can be maybe 2 feet from someone but feel like it's a million miles. Where is my analyst when I need her ?

Do I just come out and ask whats going on or be pateint and wait for time to heal everything ? I really do want to go over and scream at Nevin to stay away from Karin ,even do something like smash her car windows out as a warning .But while that wud be fun it wudn't do anyting . Whether it's Nevin or someone else the real issue is how Karin feels and what she wants ...........I hope it's staying with me .

Don't want to bore anyone so will change the topic .I guess when it rains it pours, last nite cousin Callie from up to Detroit called with more bad news .Our uncle Boyce is in the hospital, almost died saturday from a ruptured blood vessel in the stomach . He wud have probably actually died if his 7 year old grand - son had not had the sense to call 911 . Hooray for little Keeler !!! They think he will be allright and I sure hope so . Uncle Boyce may not talk much but he's a good man and has always been nice to me . I'll always remember the fun we had at his cottage up in the great north woods when I was 15 .We went swimming and had bonfire on the beach of Lake Michigan , they also grow some great pot up there too. . The nite air was so cool and clean you'd fall asleep right away and wake up all refreshed .This also lets me know I'm not the only one with troubles . I may try to get up there to see Uncle Boyce in the next few weeks .

It's April Fools day when many people play practical jokes . It can get real stupid and I am sure in no mood for any this year .I though they were joking onthe tv news this moring when they said little georgey wants to let georgia and Ukraine into the Nato . I didn't know they were real countrys ( never claimed to be a genius ) since Georgia is a state where I used to live when my mom was married to the soldier and Ukraine sounds like a disease . The tv news says Chelsea Clinton is going to be in town today for the election so we may go see her . Karin may not be able to go since she says she has a meeting .Work at the country club later , may ask for more hours there since we need the money and I may have extra time on my hands soon , if I'm going to be a tossed away heart broken wreck mays well have some extra money ............

Today in a open red check shirt, white T shirt , and jeans .At the country club there white blouse and Kelly green jumper dress along with nude thigh tops and brown flats .

[Lena]

My life is in free fall .I feel sad and hollow inside .Am in the middle of being thrown away by the one person I love ..........

Moi has no appetite and can only think about the crisis at home . Am in no mood to do anything else except be a crybaby here I guess. I love coffee in the morning but today it felt like acid pouring in to my empty stomach . I had ulcers at 15-16 and wudn't be surprised to see them come back .

Even though we always spend the afternoon together yesterday Karin was avoiding being around me or even talking to me . The whole apartment felt cold .Except for running she was busy with paper work and then took a shower and put on her suit which is rare and left .Said she had a meeting at work which I can't recall ever happening before. She did say good-bye when leaving but it sounded so formal and empty . I sat there shocked and not knowing whats going on .When I got home from my pt job at 10 PM or so noticed she never came back .I cryed all nite This morning she called and said she wasn't coming home till later since she had to talk to her mom about something and was going to the folks .Am out of tears and feel like I could crumble into dust .......

I've been trying to figure out why this is happening . Especially since we have always gotten along so well and hardly ever fight . We made plans for the future to about work and having a family and believe you me sharing a mortgage is a powerful bond . Maybe it's me , am not easy to be around since I am so selfish & neurotic and am a alcoholic. My penny pinching & worrying about money always could annoy Karin too.We're also from such different places , her mom may be Anal but Karin's family is sooooo middle class while I'm from the bottom of the totem pool or food chain .Over the time we have been together we both have st there with our mouths open in shock at what the other says about there people , like with me how her folks went to college , are still married, and there was never any hitting betwen them along with her listening to em talk about all sorts of fighting and screaming always going on at home along with divorces/break-ups and what they PC call substance abuse probelms .I could live with that since always wanted stability , but now wonder if my background may have scared her . Then to there's the whole limited life span of dyke reltionships, they ma alast longer then relationships betwen gay guys but sad to say they have a time limit too .I don't know any couple in our generation who has lasted as long as we did for whats now pushing 5 years .

Then there 2 other things that are even more driving me up the wall.The first is Nevin the librarian who has wanted Karin since she hot town.I can undertand the attraction since I love Karin . I also see why Karin could be attracted to her since Nevin is prettyer then me & also very yuppy.They also have also much in common .Both are from middle class familys and went to college . Both too LOVE poetry and old novels which leave moi cold . I've seen them go into there on little world when talking about poems and books , I understod the shared love but TBH always felt left out and stupid .Wonder too idf Karin ehard about my fun with Monica the leather girl during our girls nite out a few weeks ago . Karins' prety sensative about fidelity since both her ex- husband and a gf dumped her for otehrs and learning about me even though I was drunk and drugged letting a aggessive Monica do all sorts of things to me in the stall wud get Karin enraged.We were all having fun being naughty that nite with Karin making out earlier with Lonnie , at the straight club she tod Lonnie she liked her lip gloss and Lonnie said want a taste then they stareted kissing intensely with these straight penis people cheering them on .And our other friends Carla and Judy picked up a Barbie doll for a threesome .But me not telling Karin about Monica's pushiness may have been a mistake since if word is out it gives the impression I was actually really cheating .teh second thoughts about it all are giving me another ulcer .

Several friends have told me not to worry and I do know I can be too fatalistic . But never want to be one of those people who when it's over spent alot of time kidding themself about getting back together . So am going to compromise with myself as best I can and hold off from either extreme . It's not easy but have to try to keep a open mind and TBH am in no hurry to jump into a break-up mode . If we are splitting I have the rest of my life to be upset about losing her . We do have to talk and soon .................

Am dressing up today to feel better . In a black ribbed turtleneck and black leather mini with suntan garter stockings . Aso black boots with a 3" heel . At work the black cocktail waitres dress. .........................

WISH ME LUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kinghelfer]

...I,m thinking about you lena...and i,m not on my own........

[Lena]

Thanx to Kingie and also others for being so nice. Good to know people are on your side in times of trouble .

Moi's stumbling along , haven't really slept or ate in 3 days but at least have not tryed suicide or gone insane . Karin came back when I was at work to get some stuff to take back to her folks . Maybe I'm grasping at straws but she sent me a text saying she needs some time to think about things and fed the cats /changed there litter when she was home . I tell myself at least it wasn't a good-bye and theres still hope . Karin will probably be at her folks for awhile , they leave for a cruise tomorrow so don't expect her back till next week . In the meantime my anxiety and I have the apartment all to oursleves which is no fun at all................

I have been going over and over what led to this and all I can think of is she's bored with me , has fallen for that homewreking scum Nevin , or heard about me being semi- molested and being so out of it do to booze and blow semi-seduced by Monica and got the wrong idea I'm cheating . Had I been sober never wud have led Monica do what she did.When we first got together a few people told her I was a cheater and not to trust me and we had a big talk about it since fidelity is so important to her .Like the anxiety the constant second guessing is driving me nuts .

Like everyone else don't want there love afair /marriage to end tell mys elf over & over how everything will be allright . Have come up with a million reasons why Karin will stay with me . That may sound sooo wishful or downright pathetic but at this point want to believe it and sure don't want to say " F*ck it , it's over " before I have the final word from her , especially since I have always been so unrealistically fatalistic .Then again also know nothing lasts forever and the there some pretty bad signs .The bickering and her acting like I am not even there is actually worse then the beating a bf gave me when he threw me out when I was 20 or when at 23 I walked into find who I thought was my soulmate Marady in bed with our friend ...........

It felt nice to dress up yesterday in the black ribbed turtleneck and black leatehr mini . I alwaye feel so sophisticated when wearing anything black along with sexxy and young in anything short . My life my be going to hell but at least I look nice. Didn't get he rush though of men glaring at me .Too much is on my mind to play the teasing game . It's probably the first time ever dreseed in that way I have been at the coffee boutique and NOT adjusted a garter strap or pulled up a stockings to get hawkers.

Going into work was good since I can forget about the disater at home and concentrate on things there. Also more then a few friends to and at this point I need all I can get . The hotter then hot Christophe in security was working the office when I came in . He's at the top of the list of people I will probably be f*cking if we do actually break-up and seems like excellant bf material . I went into say hi and at first aprt of me wanted to do soemthing like pull up my skirt to show him my stockings tops and rub my pussy or just get on my knees and give him 10 minutes of my mouth . But no sooner did those thoughts enter my mind they left . Maybe since I'm depressed my libido is down but in a rarer then rare bout of maturity it came to me doing that wudn't be right . I don't want to jump the gun with rebound sex /affairs in case Karina and I make it thru this and just looking at Christophe thought to myself he's such a good guy he deserves something better then a rebound affair or rebound blow job from neurotuic moi .............that actually made me feel better . We ended up having a nice short talk like real fiends .

The shift went fine , no surprise I loved throwing myself into working to keep my mind off home . I looked good there too inthe black cocktail waitress dress. Haven't told anyone there about the troubles .

It's pouring out which is the kind of weather I love. It wud be great to make a fire and chill but think I have to get out of the house before I start another round of worrying and crying .Since I haven't really ate anything beyond fruit in 3 days and am now getting hungry so am going out to get something to eat . It'll be nice to walk in the rain too .

Today in a loden green turtleneck and dark brown corduroy skirt along with my old brown boots you can tramp thru water in without worrying , white bikini briefs and exotic black socks from the dollar store . At work the penguin suit and orthies...............

[Lena]

Yesterday was a bad day in my life or the way I feel maybe better put bad day in my death . At times I had some energy but for the most part still am walking around feeling like part of me is missing or somebody is dragging razor wire thru my insides . I haven't had a meal in days and can sleep maybe only a hour at a time .I tryed going for a walk in the rain yesterday which is something I always love but was so upset actually had no energy and turned back after a block .

What made yesterday real bad was Karin called and said we should talk which is scarey since I expect her to say we should break up but was also eager to learn why she's acting this way . But the she texted saying she couldn't .............that was bad enough but so cold being sent by text .Moi did alot of crying about that . I feel like crap . I guess am not alone , heard last nite about a news poll where a huge 81 % of all Americans think the country is headed down the wrong path . Thats how I've felt ever since I started paying attention to the world , now seeing how so many think that way combined with how awful I feel has me feeling like I am living in the United States of Depression .

At least at work I could get away fro my pain . Wore the penguin suit , working the Concierge Lounge then the bar . In the Concierge Lounge had a vodak and tonic then a Harvey Wall banger but decided to stop drinking before I got drunk . Wise move, don't want to get fired .Didn't have a cocktail waitress which was allright , am in no mood to do lite chit chat .

The bar had some characters like a woman who looked like a young Shannon Doherty who was TOTALLY self centered . She was with a guy who was short and kind of dorky who was obviouslly head over heels in love witheher . While he sat there adoring her the woman went on and on and on about how herself like how cleaver she is , how she only likes the best things , and is real efficient and who seemed obsessed about someday owning a Mercedes Benz convertable . She actually reminded me of the other woman bartender the completely self involved possession worshipper Cassady , wonder if like Cassady she has OCD and agoraphobia too ? .The guy was more of a audience for her ego mania show then someone she was actually talking too. He's going to get hurt and soon ..............I hope after he bounces back he decides to go for more mature women .

Also a group of geezers all in there 50's-60's who obviouslly had bank and were also pretty funny to watch . The star was a man about 65 with perfect iron grey hair and in a classy looking charcoal grey suit who was as full of himself as the Shannon Doherty look alike but obviousslly not a hick /phony like her . The old boy loved the sound of his own voice , went on and on about how at his a law firm every friday everyone gets together and talks about there cases , bet he does most of the talking Along with how hard it was to learn latin at prep school but after that learning French and German were easy ,hearing that I was happy for him ..Then they all got into a big 'fascinating ' talk about being a fiduciary which I leared meant money controller . It was boring as a tv nature show but to them it was a HAWT topic .They were even lafifng about fiduciaryism a few times . You hear alot of things working in a bar ................ Somehow I think tonite may get a group of seniors talking about something like bird watching ............

My analyst is due back from medical leave next week and I need a session bad so am calling to see if I can get in monday morning . I really do have to talk about this with someone who understands .The only actual in the flesh friend I've told about this is Leslie whose reply sucked . She never liked Karin and says it's over and time to move on ( as if it is that easy and was strange coming from a woman whose cryed her eyes out for weeks after break-ups ) then went on about herself . So typical Les . She also mentioned a opening at the bar where she works for a pt bartender that looks interesting since the money wud be great . Drunk penis people watching naked hotties dance really do throw around the money .Karin wud never let me work in those places but if it's over mays well make some good money .

Am working today at the country club then hotel .Working so much is a escape from the pain and crying . Heading out in a navy blue sleeveless v-neck sweater from THE MARILYN KING COLLECTION , lite blue shirt , jeans with nude pantyhose . Later the country club uniform and at the hotel probably the penguin suit .

[Lena]

Sorry more of the same today ...................funny thing about depression is all you want to do is whine .And die.

Moi got frozen yesterday , I was going to go into my pt job but was so upset and enrgyless all I could do was sit in my shirt and pantyhose going from feeling like my heart was cut out to crying .Just writing about it has me starting to feel numb again.I did get into the hotel , as the old saying goes don't bite the hand that feds you . Work was nothing special , wore the penguin suit and as usual did the Concierge Lounge then the bar . No Mr.Dyson but thats OK but did see two collge girls from different schools here for some girls basketball thing hook -up , you could see the infatuation all over there faces .I hope it works out better for them then me .

I see my analyst monday and called my Doc for a new presecription of the Zolofoft ant-depressant I'm already on .Maybe I should take 2 or 3 to really cheer up ? Even if they cause a OD and I die that wud also be fine with me . In the last 2 weeks I've lost the love of my life and soon my home . The money I have in this place doesn't even matter . o

This break-up is different from past ones inmany ways . I'm not eating and still drinking more then usual but not getting high .Also not compalining , except for Les and Bob at work haven't said a thing to anyone . Do hate talking about it and also don't want to be a burden or crybaby . I even lied to sweet elderly Marie down the hall who said she hadn't seen Karin around ,trying to act as natural as I could which was very hard told her Karin goes in and out and is house sitting .Lying to get out of trouble was never hard before but that time it was since I hate lying to someone whose been so nice to me nice to me as Marie .

Also no libido . I was pretty bad off after other break-ups but was fanatic about using sex to forget and feel good about myself . All horn dogs will love this ........the week I broke up with Jerry slept with 6 people in 5 days ........a guy at a bar who used to date a cousin ..... we f*cked right there in the phone both down in the basement by the bathrooms , another guy at another bar whose name may have been Tom but am not sure but still will always recall he was the first guy I ever peed on , a woman named Lynne who ran a Kinkos ( very dom and liked it very rough ) , my best friend Leslie....she can be a real oaf but also can be very generous , and then the day after 2 guys who we were in a wedding with . It was almost as wild after Marady dropped me...............over one week-end slept with this ultra materialistic older women dark haired named Marian ( she'd wear a huge sapphire ring on the outside of her expensive gloves & wud wear a mink stole to grocery shop) on friday nite . Saturday morning on the way home from Marians ran into my friend Celeste and we decided to get high but as we got started switched to f*cking instead , did it all afternoon .Then as planned that nite and all day sunday was in bed with cocktail waitress Marcy Lou and her husband . Was funny monday at work when our boss asked us what we did over the week-end ......

Nice memorys but am in NO mood for anything like that now.Sex with anyone except Karin wud make me sick. About the only thing I am in the mood for is crying and sitting being numb. I drove by Karins' job last nite and couldn't see her car . Didn't have the courage to go by Nevin's since chances are it was parked around there.

I am going into the country club to work today . Then onto the hotel , we work the lounge then a wedding reception . No usual satrurday tennis , I have no energy and can't face Carla and Judy .

Heading out in jean jacket & jeans with grey T shirt . At the country club there uniform of the white blouse and Kelly green jumper dress along with nude garter stockings and brown flats . At the hotel the black cocktail waitress dress and black flats .

[Lena]

Sorry more of the same .

This is the first ever on.line FF death from a broken heart .Nothing really knew , life happens around you but no matter what the reality is I feel horrible . I sent Karin a dozen roses yesterday and even though she could call or text or even just leave a message for me at work there was no reply .being ignored liek that felt like another knife in my heart .I got home at midnite but couldn't sleep , had almost 2 bottles of wine till they put me under about 4 AM for a few hours .Still no appetite and have only ate things like a pear & some old corn bread I scraped the green off the bottom .I regret that now since they say botualism or whatever it's called can kill you pretty quick .

In my country club uniform went to the hotel and changed into there uniform . In seconds going from looking so wholesome and friendly in the desigend to be assuring Kelly green jumper to a femme fatale in the black cocktail waitress dress. I stil felt like crap but laffed when thinking about that .

Bartended at the country club which was easy . For most of the time the only other person in the bar or lounge as the call it was Mrs . Werner, a short 60 something woman whose a colossal alcoholic and a mean one at that . Has the amazing ability to sit there smiling and being polite but no matter what she says to you the anger and hostilety is present . I told Carlene whose also a bartender there that Mrs . Werner is the only person I ever met who could ask for another Vodka & Tonic smiling and being polite but you feel like she's just called you a scummy bitch or something like that . Her husband is a real intense Anal dick and deserves her though .Carlene smiled and really laffed .They let me leave in the happy uniform of the white blouse and Kelly green jumper dress since I'm working there agin today . At present am washing them both , since am probably going to have to move out it came to me I won't have my own washer and dryer any more which got me crying .I'll miss them since I wil be back int he wold of shared laundry rooms and it's another motherf@cking sign we're over.

Did the Conciereg Lounge where I had 2 Harvey Wallbangers and a merlot along with cavier . Then did a wedding , saw on the schedule for the rest of 2008 there are only 5 saturdays we're not booked for weddings . At the derby , 4th of july , thanksgiving and the end of december .Will be so much fun watching people madly in love tie the knot now knowing love was not meant for me . But the money is good and I can laff inside when working them since they say half of all mariages end in divorce.................... F*ck the human race !!!!!!

At the wedding saw a woman I used to know who was very friendly hanging around the bar catching up . Her names Wendy Kay Deeters although she still may be using the name of the penis person she was married to for awhile . She's some place between 30 and 35 but is young at heart , works for the school board . We met 5 years ago when she was part of a group of gay women who my then lesbian boss ran with . I knew her brother Jeff too since he was a dj at a girl bar , he's passed from aids . Wendy is real smart and sociable but has this wild quality about her which is kind of funny .Had a habit of going from one extreme to another like being a soft butch when we met then to a lipstick and suddenly a hetrosexual then from what she said back to being a lipstick . Was there with a short bubbleyand funny woman named Annabelle who was a cousin of the bride . It was nice talking about old times and better yet having a normal conversation with a body where I did not have to worry about talking about Karin .Since she's a outlaw at heart told Wendy kay about Frieda's beatnick like coffee place/used bookstore and we agreed to meet there to talk in the next few weeks . After that just poured drinks actually enjoying not having to worry about home .........

Now home and miserable , I want the phone to ring with Karin telling me she's coming home and still loves me . If not that at least telling me why she's doing this to us /me .But there's only silence which believe it or not is like torture .I can't take it so am going to get out and then go to the country club later . Not much to do on sunday mornings , maybe a coffee place even thougth there packed with churchers on sunday .

Heading out loden green henley top , black mini and since I have no energy to shave thick support suntan pantyhose and my black boots with a 3" heel .I'll be taller and look hot but what does it matter anyway since things are terible?

[Guest]

A new post will be up later today now have to get to my analyst . No energy either , was up all nite and only a hour ago got up the energy to take a shower and change clothes.

Today in a navy blue T shirt and old green army pants . Will wear my jean jacket too.

[Lena]

A new post will be up later today now have to get to my analyst . No energy either , was up all nite and only a hour ago got up the energy to take a shower and change clothes.

Today in a navy blue T shirt and old green army pants . Will wear my jean jacket too.....................

[Lena]

Todays post is in the regular blog area .

It's my reward to that ection since it has gotten about 1,000 hits in the last 24 hours.

Still hurt and not sleeping but feeling better if you can call the dead inside way feel better.............managed to get down half a Big Mac and some frys .

Saw my analyst this morning and am seeing her and the clinic shrink later today too.

Am in a navy blue T shirt and green army pants

[Lena]

I know it sounds like I'm going crazy but while I still feel ruined things got clearer yesterday .Something I am real grateful for since I have been living in the dark about whats going on with Karin and also my future with or without her .

Time wise saw my analyst for the first time in over a month yesterday. Although she didn't say it from her face could tell she was shocked by how I look , she always gets on me for looking sexxy but yesterday had real reason to worry since I have lost 12 pounds and am pale . Huge bags under my eyes from the crying too .The first thing out of her mouth was asking in a real concerned way if I 've tryed hurting myself or if I am thinking about it since I have a history there having tryed to kill myself at 16 & a few scars from cutting myself other times . I said how I want to die but it's like winning the lottery , you may think about it but you know it won't happen . She asked why and at first I couldn't come up with a reason and then it came to me .There'd be no slashing of the wrists this time since A.Seems a over reaction , joked about how hurting myself in less drastical ways liek dope /drinking / and sport f*cking B. it wud hurt too many people I love , wud ruin Karin's life with all her Catholic guilt and others from the Simms to little Ying Ying and my rat pack of friends and even people here at FF C. where I went from laffing to anger or stubbornness saying no since how if I me killed myself wud give way too much joy to a long list of people who who hate me or have writen me off all my life . Sorry dickheads , this girl isn't going to end it all............. After that suddenly felt stronger and was able to talk about whats going on .

We talked about why this break-up is happening ............my worrys of Karin being bored with me , the skank Nevin circling around , and ofcourse me having sex no matter how unplanned /strange it was with Monica in the bathroom at the girl bar .Hearing that Naomi looked shocked which is unusal for her , she's listend to em atlk about plenty of wild things but only few times has loked downright shocked/upset . She really pressed the isue of whay I did it , told her I was drunk having black outs and didn't even realize what was going on till I felt Monica all over me .Naomi leaned bacand in citical way bluntly asked " Do you remember when we talked about putting ourselves in dangerous situations ? " as if it was all my fault . At first I explained how we were all acting wild ....no undies, teaing straights ,and even Karin making out with Lonnie and they weren't playing but really kissing & groping .She just stared back and said " You were all placing your heads in the lion's mouth that nite and not many relationships can stand that kind of pressure" I couldn't say anything in reply , she was right .I should have learned that lesson with what happened with me and Marady . Our sport f*cking and partying ruined that relationship . We were all being fools asking for trouble and I got more then I could handle ...........If there's ever another dyke's nite out am going to be alot more cautious .

Naomi also told me every couple has problems and this may not even be a break-up , after all I haven't heard a definite adios from Karin . That made me real hopeful , know it sounds like I may grabbing at straws but don't want to be fatalistic about myself like my worthless sadistic prick father burned into me .She told me to come back at dinner time and I left . Went home , posted here and played with the cats . Didn't awnser the dor bel though whenever it rang , I have no patience to deal with humanity and want to be left alone .

back at the clinic met with naolmia nd the shrink , a tall thin jewsish guy with a beard aabout 50. Also had on a suit and vest making him look like genius .When I first saw him pegged him for one of those peole who read about 5 newspapers a day , has been to Europe many times like things like opera and jazz and also gives money to public tv .he was formal but nice, right off i could tell he spotted the still big scars onmy wrists when itryed suicide at 16and the cut marks in my right arm . He asked to if I was thinking about hurting myself and I said no repeating why I wudn't like I told Naomi earlier .he seem satidfied then he said we al go thru crsisi ,wanting to knwo if I ahve a suport entwork .Told him yes but haven't bothered nyone here since I 've bored them with things like this before and they ahve there own issues to cope with . Did say I had talked to Leslie but she was a jerk . The shrink says it sounds like Leslie wants me back to be her partner in crime , very very true . They both frowned at that too . But also let them know how great so many here at FF have been . He and Naomi both suggested I talk to a few friends and I will. maybe Ronnie Raye whose ben a god influence on me . She was a ultra wild one herself but now is so stable and happy ........

They both went at me about what will I do if the thing with Karin is actually over . I started cryting but afteer the shrink got me some tissues said I don't know . Probaly be miserable or maybe go back to being party animal . Then talked about how even though she's treating me like dirt now Karin has been a great influnece , making me more responsible and middle class like and I love that . But now that it's done have to go back home to hell . The shrink asked why and all I could think of was that my stay in normal life was tied to being with her .He and Naomi both said it didn't have to be that way because in the end we all have the power to decide how we want to live and can't let disappontments and tragedys ( like this is to me ) stop us/derail us /ruin us . It sounded so easy , especialy since there older with UMC lives but the more thought about it that is true .I don't have to go back to the bad parts of life.Then it came to me how I've done things like that before.............my mom's idea of perfection was having a man and while they are fun after seeing how that nuked her in so many ways I didn't copy her.Also how I was teribble with money but after being sick of never having any decided to concentrate on saving and built up a nest egg .Although all my friends who spent money on shoes and the latest style in clothes accused me of being cheap ........ I even pecked Naomi and the shrink good-bye. Going back friday for another appointment .........

I left feeling much better , we're not offically broken up and I won't be going back to old Lena . Stil didn't want to go home though so went over to my friend Frieda's coffee boutique by UL and worked for free. It kept my mind off Karin & TBH after seeing some of the academic wierdos I didn't feel like such a ruined or bad person . Some real screwy types believe you me ! Back home played with the cats and went to bed , did sleep for over 2 straight hours but after that couldn't . Went into the living room sitting there scared /crying / numb ........

It's going to be warm again today so heading out for a big walk .I've been too menatally spent to run during this but can walk .Today in black tank top green army cammy pants and sneakers . Work the country club tonite , in the white blouse, Kelly green jumper dres and nude thigh tops .

[Lena]

Welcome to another day in my death .Still no word from Karin , am giving up trying to contact her since it's obvious she doesn't want to talk to me .It wud be nicer if she just killed me .

Today am full of conflicting feelings mixing feeling good in a way or at least beter since this hell started but overall still feel like crap ..............

On the good side yesterday at the analysts did see how losing Karin as bad as it is doesn't have to mean a return to the old wild life where my name and stupidity went hand in hand .As much as I loved her also loved having stabiltity and peace in my life for the first time .Moi being moi will undouptedly do some very crazy things but have no plans to go back to being the big time doper , bed hopper, trouble maker ,and credit risk . That makes me feel a whole lot more confident . Still am going to try to get into real estate even though that is in a full fledge depression here now ................I m so lucky aren't I ? Losing my gf and now the career I want is drying up .Oh well.........real estate at least will be back .

Plenty of nice people here have said I'll meet someone else and who knows ? For the time being I don't want to be involved with anyone or even dating .As crazy as that may sound I see it as a real positive break from the past , as I have said past break-ups have led to rebound romances and sport f*cking. By week two after Jerry I had not only done it with the 6 people in 5 days but also by this point one of the guys from that week , a butch , and a 18 year old guy ( I was 22 and at times felt like his mother ) who became my summer bf . Not to mention doing so so so much dope .I may be drinking alot these days but thats still a improvement from when I did that as well as chipped and sucked on the pipe .

Also like the fact I haven't bored anyone in town with my trouble .In the past have been a colossal whiner and really taken advantage of friends who after all have there own lives and problems . After work last nite didn't want to go home and usually wud have gone over to the TRIANGLE which is the big gay where you can always count on meeting friends . But alst nite didn't want to run into anyone and have to tell themwhats going on . Instead stopped by a neighborhood bar for a few drinks, except for the mullet that tyred to pick me ( I always draw such winners when it comes to men....... .) didn't speak to a soul .

I've always loved our condo but now it feels so cold and empty . it also cuts into my soul when I think I will be moving sooner or later . It's no trouble leaving the place . Going to work feels like a escape and am looking for places to go when I'm not working . I guess I've become a " Norm " which was local bartender talk for folks who practically live at saloons since they don't want to go home . Comes from the the fat guy on CHEERS who always hung around the bar since he didn't want to go home to his whacko wife .The words of songs have been hitting me alot during this . One of my favorite songs is Wilie Nelson's NIGHTLIFE ( Ray Price does a great version too ) about the world that comes into existance after the sun goes down .Since I've always been a nite person it's almost the anthem of my life. I heard it two days ago and although it wasn't nescesarily about lost love there was a stinging line about nite people " dreaming of there old used to be " which to me means past happyer life which in my case meant life with Karin . Also don't know the song title but there's a old song where they sing "don't it always seem to go you don't know what you've got till its gone " Thats not really true with me , I always saw Karin as everything but I sure hope she hears that song and thinks about me ........

Am trying to be more upbeat though even though thats hard but must say is easier after yesterday seeing how I don't have to go back to living like before if I don't want . Have been playing alot with the cats . Like I wud with any child of mine don't want them to get hurt by the divorce . Fritz is a real alpha male full of so much confidence , we have this game where he curls up in a ball and I spin him across the wood floor .He loves it, bet if he was human he'd be a sky diver or one of those bungee cord jumpers. Agatha whose kind of a wimp won't do that , she settles for being petted .I go back to the country club to work luch today which is a escape from the depression .Then to the hotel which has a life of it's own and always full of crazy storys and gossip that I can think about rather then my own problems .

Am dresing up to which can make me feel good.Now am in white shirt and white bikini briefs & garter belt and will soon be putting on nude nylon & from the MARILYN KING COLLECTION yellow v-neck sweater and olive pencil skirt . At the country club the white blouse and Kelly green jumper dress and at the hotel the balck cocktail waitress dress.........3 pairs of shoes too , going out in brown clogs and at the country club brown flats and hotel black flats .