Difficult admission and the right time to make it

[nondescriptusername]

Hi

This is a genuine and difficult question, but if you met a new potential partner and things seemed to be going well and then when it got to just before the physical stage he had to tell you that he had a previous history of self harm, how likely would you be to accept that.

It's a position that I find myself in. Despite some difficulties, I manage to function "normally" on a day to day basis and run my own business and face my all my responsibilites so no-one around me is aware of my "private" situation.

I am actually very happy from time to time and am capable of social interaction and am actually very outgoing and appear to be confident. I just hide my darker side and it hasn't been a problem until now, but there are a high number of pyhsical scars that I wouldn't just spring upon someone, but equally it's just as difficult to actually admit it before "revealing" the evidence.

I know that there is no right or wrong answer and I won't judge the other person for their reaction, but I just wondered what were the honest odds of this being accepted.

I'm sorry if this isn't an appropriate place to ask this question, and if so please delete the post. Otherwise, all comments welcome - even negative if constructively given.

Thanks

[jamiemac2005]

I apologise i only skimmed the last few paragraphs of your situation, but as i see it you have a Previous history of self harm. I feel the word Previous is the most important thing here, Throughout life you'll have many downfalls and this was one of yours, it sounds as if you've moved on from the days when you self harmed. But it is still hanging onto your back. Think of it this way, if you are at a position at which you are in a serious relationship (or one just before a physical relationship) you're in a good place, and i'm sure you can stick to that.

You say that admitting it is hard, think of this as a step in that you've admitted it to whomever feels the urge to read your post. To be fair the chances of me ever encountering you again in either of our lifes are almost in-existant so i can understand how posting on a forum is easier than telling someone you have a relationship with, but you just opened up to people who could have judged you for your past experiences.

Sorry i've taken the time to read your post thoroughly again, how historic is this? was it years back? it seems to me as if you've moved on from it and it is just something hanging over you and you moving on in this relationship... You mentioned scars? (all this is from a male prospective by the way, but i dont see that it would make a big difference if anything her personality and the strength of your relationship will make the biggest difference)... I have a friend whom i've known for 3 years, she used to self harm (sorry switching gender prospectives), before i knew her she self harmed due to "needing a release" from family issues which were deeply depressing, me and my other friends noticed the scars and became curios, of course we asked how she got them (they're on the back of her wrist (opposite to the palm side sorry i cant describe it)) as this was in the past it is easy to understand her situation easier...

Sorry this is hard to explain but if we had found out that she was self harming at the time we asked her it would have been different in that we would have questioned why she continued doing it after she realised her problem. Anyway my friend now says she looks at her scars when she needs to calm herself (because it reminds her of a worse time that she does not want to re-visit, maybe you can draw upon the same sort of thing but its different for every person)... Are your scars more hidden from view?

The main thing to remember is that anyone will understand because it is more understood in our modern culture and if you seem a happy confident person you are a happy confident person...

As for the time to inform her of this, it depends, don't build it up too big, if you do not think of it as a big thing then it doesn't come accross as a big thing, just stay yourself and i'm sure she'll understand. Anyway i'd recommend you telling her in private, saying that you have something troubling you which you need to explain before you feel your relationship can move on and tell her.

I hope my essay of a post helped you in any way,
Jamey

[Cambridge]

There's a lot between what you tell us and the present. What has been your therapy? Have you been institutionalized? Is this a passing thing, or something more significant? Are there any other anomalous characteristics in your past? I'm a male, but even if a female brought these facts to me, these are things I would want to know. And I think you are obligated to tell her.

[nondescriptusername]

Many thanks for the considered response.

I'm sorry that I didn't give the full picture - the latest episodes have been fairly recent - just several weeks back, just before meeting the lady in question and on a couple of occasions since meeting her.

I've just turned 39 and the only episodes before that go back to when I was 17. In the meantime, alcohol has been the coping mechanism with a high but manageable intake for some time, but escalating during the past 2 years, to the point that I've asked for help which I've received over the past 3 months and am due to go to a detox/rehab centre for a two week programme commencing in about 10 days time.

I have learned to ask for help, hence the medical intervention and actually posting here - which I would never have done before, and which although difficult, is a little easier because its ..

edited because my post won't accept the word anon -y -mous

Unfortunately, I don't do things by halves, and the scarring is quite extensive. I wear jeans and long sleave shirts so nothing is visible and none of my family or friends has any knowledge of the situation.

As you touch upon, a lot of the damage has been done since I acknowledged the issues and sought help. It has been a way of feeling "alive" and actually feeling anything, and although it is theraputic to acknowlege it and put it down in words, I have the feeling that the physical evidence is now going to slap me in the face, when ironically all the years of numbing in with alcohol would have left no evidence when I'm dry.

I understand and appreciate your advice about proceeding directly and with honesty, which I know is the only way forward. I also know that if she can't accept it then it isn't meant to be, but I hope that this isn't going to haunt me for years to come.

Thanks again Jamey

[nondescriptusername]

Hi Cambridge, I didn't see your reply before I posted to Jamey's reply, but yes, I know I can't keep it to myself, and not just because of the physical evidence. No treatment after the episodes at 17, and voluntarily sought advice of GP about 6 months ago. Came of "usual" medication (Citalopram) because I personally thought is wasn't right for me (not criticising its use under the right circumstances) and have been having councelling which hasn't been that useful, but hoping that the residential treatment will be the key, together with my own determination (which I have bucketloads of in other areas of my life).

How ironic that I seem to have met perhaps the "right" person and precisely the "wrong" time, but maybe I'm wrong in that regard.

Thanks

[Bouncy]

Hm. This is a tough one, and I'm trying to put myself in the girl's position.

Okay, this is just me, and you have to remember that everyone is different, so this girl may not react in the way I do.

I'd need to be eased into things. Your first post talked about your self harm. I'd have lots of questions. Many of them difficult. What type of treatments past and present you use/d. What are some of the things you did. What drove you to it. How it made you feel when you harmed yourself. Lots of different things. The fact I had lots of questions would indicate to you that I'm interested in finding out all I can about what drives someone to self-harm. If I didn't have questions, it'd be because I'd made up my mind that your situation was one I was going to avoid. And that's probably what I'd do. Avoid you.

Then there's the alcohol problem you mentioned in a subsequent post. It sounds like you exchanged one addiction for another. Self-harm to drink. To be honest, I wouldn't want you to lay out all your demons in one discussion. Getting to know someone takes time. And while I appreciate honesty, I need time to digest things. So it would be best if you told me about one of your problems, but mentioned there are more skeletons to share but don't want to burden me all in one hit.

Obviously there are some underlying psychiatric issues that drove you to this addictive behaviour. I'd be curious about those. When I was ready, I'd probably ask you about them.

Above all else, I'd think you weren't ready for a relationship. Not a serious, physical, love type of relationship. But everyone can do with a friend. And if in the end a friend is all you get from this girl, that's still something very positive.

One other thing I'd like to mention is, be ready to hear what this girl's demons are. While you may think that they couldn't be any worse than yours, the reality is that sometimes they can be.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things turn out the way you want them to.

[Cambridge]

alcohol has been the coping mechanism with a high but manageable intake for some time

Ehhhh…wrong. Your perspective, that it is a "coping mechanism", is a bit of denial subterfuge. Alcoholism is an associated, progressive disease. To wit:

but escalating during the past 2 years

How about depression…which alcohol would exacerbate, btw. Back when butterflychick was about 16 she had a mate at school who used to self-harm. We talked about it mostly on PMs or emails, so it may not have been public, but I urged her to get involved to the extent that she took it to the school and they intervened. (Of course, the friend got all pissy at her, but wth.) If memory serves, turned out the friend was having some trouble with a brother in her home life. Depression was discussed. Of course, feedback was limited due to the confidentiality factor and the “pissy” factor. But there was something there.

You say you are seeing a GP. Shouldn’t you be asking him to refer you to a licensed therapist? GPs, bless their hearts, are mostly good for poking your balls and asking you to cough. That’s why I asked earlier what kind of therapy you have had. Like I said, I'm of the boy persuasion, but if I were your lass and you weren’t in therapy, I’d keep my distance. At a minimum you’ve gotta give her some confidence you’re working on it, dude. Good luck.

[Hotel_Whiskey]

You've got to let your partner know, can't build a r/ship on lies.
After all everyone has a past, and it's only those who can't forgive their own, who can't forgive yours.
x x x