need to guage your opinion re; partners children

[glidewest]

I've been in a relationship with a women for four years, she has two
children from a previous marriage I have no children, we do not live together but see each other often.

I feel I put a lot of effort into the relationship, I do lots with the children enthuse and join in their past times, pay for their holidays, meals and days out. I look after my girlfirends aged dog all week, take her for walks pick up poo and put cream on her scabs.

My girlfiend has been doing a college course for the past two years, I pick the children up from school once a week, cook dinner and get them off to bed whild my other half is out at college. I also help out the odd weekend she has to study.

Last night was baby sitting duties for me again, the children went off to bed fine (7.30pm) at 8.45 I heard movements and went up stairs to find them out of their beds and messing about. They have been told this is not acceptable 4 times in the past week, including that night at story time, so I went ballistic at them, shouted at them to get to bed told them to never do it again, stormed downstairs and slammed the door.

Today my girl friend says I scared them and is unsure about me looking after them again. I feel upset and unapreciated and am beginning to feel I invest a lot in the relationship with the three off them and get little back.

Did I over react?, have I done a bad thing?

I welcome your views.

[Polgara69]

While I think you should be sharing the responsibility with the amount of time you spend with the children, yelling at them is a no no. No matter what they do their Mum will always take their side if you go nuts and shout. Especially if they are quite young. You dont say how old they are. If they really play you up then tell their Mum and let her deal with them but try to see her point of view. They are her babies and will always come first and it would be a shame for her to go mad at you and possibly do something you both regret. Sit down and talk to her and apologise and also to the children but make sure you explain to them (if they are old enough to understand) that you are sorry you scared them but if there are rules they must follow them even when Mummy is not there. You have to be firm else they will walk all over you. It is helpful if their Mum is there backing you up. Good luck.

[glidewest]

Thanks Polgara

I did apologise first thing this morning, the children are 8 and 10 but I feel
like mum has closed ranks and i just feel resentful. I can't beleive there isn't a parent or step aprent out there that hasn't lost it a some point

[Verve]

You should have never apologized. Some women want all the perks only when it is convenient for them. You are doing things that are done in relationships you don't get extra credit for the things you listed. If you do something for someone you do it out of the kindness of your heart... so no brownie points for you.

What is an issue is that your authority is not at all respected. If you wish have a conversation with her about this. She's damaged any future of you disciplining her children. The kids won’t respect you nor fear you. Tell her she's wrong. If you are as important as you think you are it's a sign of where you stand in your relationship... I would pull back... and pull back hard. She doesn't get to have all of you.

Stop playing house.... Let her come out of pocket for all these examples you listed. Four years is a long time you shouldn't have to prove your worth to her anymore. If she doesn't know what your worth, tell her. Then move on if she doesn’t agree.

At least you didn’t hit them…I would have gotten an ass whipping from my mom…


Did I over react? No, they had prior warning, several.


Have I done a bad thing? No, you stood your ground.

[Polgara69]

Apart from the bit about apologizing, Verve makes very good points. Now is the time to set some boundaries and if she is not willing to do that then you do need to take a step back. 4 years is a long time and there should be some rules in place that you can follow.

[glidewest]

thanks both of you for some really balanced views

I know my temper would never involve hitting them, but if they
flagrently broke the rules again, I can't say I wouldn't lose my temper
again and this seems to be unacceptable to mum

I feel if I did frighten them, at 8 and 10 they are old enough to
realise this was a result of their own bad behaviour

[Verve]

I feel if I did frighten them, at 8 and 10 they are old enough to
realise this was a result of their own bad behaviour

Those kids are old enough to have common sense. They're not stupid. All they did was play mommy like a violin. She wasn't smart about it either and given her life situation at this time she needs all the help she can get. I think you should really back off. Even if she asks you to still assist her with babysitting the kids or other things, kindly decline. I don't want you to be used... only appreciated. Best wishes.

[u being 'used'!]

mate, u're being used! you asked opinion,
that ^ is mine. quit being a puss whiped excuse
for a man mate! you must exert authority over young 1s! she(the mum) clearly doesn't have a clue how it is in healthy family type interactions! move-on mate, real women desperately want real men! be one!

[Guest]

I've been in a relationship with a women for four years, she has two
children from a previous marriage I have no children, we do not live together but see each other often.

I feel I put a lot of effort into the relationship, I do lots with the children enthuse and join in their past times, pay for their holidays, meals and days out. I look after my girlfirends aged dog all week, take her for walks pick up poo and put cream on her scabs.

My girlfiend has been doing a college course for the past two years, I pick the children up from school once a week, cook dinner and get them off to bed whild my other half is out at college. I also help out the odd weekend she has to study.

Last night was baby sitting duties for me again, the children went off to bed fine (7.30pm) at 8.45 I heard movements and went up stairs to find them out of their beds and messing about. They have been told this is not acceptable 4 times in the past week, including that night at story time, so I went ballistic at them, shouted at them to get to bed told them to never do it again, stormed downstairs and slammed the door.

Today my girl friend says I scared them and is unsure about me looking after them again. I feel upset and unapreciated and am beginning to feel I invest a lot in the relationship with the three off them and get little back.

Did I over react?, have I done a bad thing?

I welcome your views.

Did you perhaps project your feeling unappreciated onto them ?
If so, you know it is not their fault.

If not, then being angry can happen, but shouldn't become a routine. Everyone has their weaker moments and I don't think shouting once has a harmful effect, it becomes dangerous when it's a regularity.

[Guest]

You should have never apologized. Some women want all the perks only when it is convenient for them. You are doing things that are done in relationships you don't get extra credit for the things you listed. If you do something for someone you do it out of the kindness of your heart... so no brownie points for you.

What is an issue is that your authority is not at all respected. If you wish have a conversation with her about this. She's damaged any future of you disciplining her children. The kids won’t respect you nor fear you. Tell her she's wrong. If you are as important as you think you are it's a sign of where you stand in your relationship... I would pull back... and pull back hard. She doesn't get to have all of you.

Stop playing house.... Let her come out of pocket for all these examples you listed. Four years is a long time you shouldn't have to prove your worth to her anymore. If she doesn't know what your worth, tell her. Then move on if she doesn’t agree.

At least you didn’t hit them…I would have gotten an ass whipping from my mom…


Did I over react? No, they had prior warning, several.


Have I done a bad thing? No, you stood your ground.

I wouldn't do this, atleast not in such a rigid way, that will affect the relationship negatively and it doesn't need to be, if it is otherwise a good relationship. If you feel unappreciated, have an open talk. Work on building respectful boundaries, together with your girlfriend and her children. Work on being a unit, rather than a her and her kids against you.
Kids do silly things and you have known them for so long now, I'm sure they feel something for you. Problems with the mother shouldn't infiltrate the way you behave towards the children.

[Guest]

thanks both of you for some really balanced views

I know my temper would never involve hitting them, but if they
flagrently broke the rules again, I can't say I wouldn't lose my temper
again and this seems to be unacceptable to mum

I feel if I did frighten them, at 8 and 10 they are old enough to
realise this was a result of their own bad behaviour

You have to work on rules together. She is the mother, so you can't make rules on your own.

[MaxtheGaul]

This is potentially a very dangerous situation. If you are going to be partners and share responsibility for how the children are brought up that means you decide on how to do it and support each other. Children are very quick to see flaws in relationships and use them to their advantage. And it does them no good in the long term. Alternatively she is going to be a single mum with you as a bit on the side. You have to decide what you want and so does she. If you don't agree then it's not worth going on, because one of you will drive the other nuts.

I would never get into this sort of situation unless we agreed that bringing up the children was a joint responsibility.

[Guest]

decide on how to do it and support each other. .

I feel this has been a key part of the problem, support or lack there-of

After much discussion with my girlfriend, I have decided to leave the relationship despite my love for them all. I can see no other resolution
that we can reach together.

thankyou all for your considered and balanced thoughts

[glidewest]

decide on how to do it and support each other. .

I feel this has been a key part of the problem, support or lack there-of

After much discussion with my girlfriend, I have decided to leave the relationship despite my love for them all. I can see no other resolution
that we can reach together.

thankyou all for your considered and balanced thoughts

that was from me by the way not 'guest'....... forgot to log in

[MaxtheGaul]

decide on how to do it and support each other. .

I feel this has been a key part of the problem, support or lack there-of

After much discussion with my girlfriend, I have decided to leave the relationship despite my love for them all. I can see no other resolution
that we can reach together.

thankyou all for your considered and balanced thoughts

I think you have made the right decision. It will be tough, but worth it in the long term.

Good luck

Max