Aries (april 20 - may 20)
Saturday: Venus joining forces with Jupiter indicates that you will at last fulfil your dream to become a Welsh language square-dance caller and turn your back on your humdrum day-job. You are likely to need a new coil fitted. This is best left to the AA.
Lucky complaint: Portnoys
Lucky fruit: Coxless Orange-Pippin
Taurus (may 21 - june 21)
A drunken, red eyed, tousle-haired lunatic starts beckoning at you from a shop window. You eventually realise that that’s actually your reflection. An interesting aspect between Neptune and Saturn indicates that you should probably reject the long-standing offer of marriage from Barack Obama.
Lucky snack: Quails eggs
Lucky stone: Bill Wyman
Gemini (june 22 - july 22)
Sleep will be a problem tonight as you will be plagued by a recurring dream about George Bush smothered in Greek yoghurt. Venus rising means that your Hoover bag needs emptying again, and it's about time you did something about that old vest on the bathroom floor you slattern!
Lucky condiment: Mint-sauce
Lucky prank: Apple-pie bed
Leo (july 23 - august 22)
A small man with a firm handshake may make you a surprising offer at lunchtime. Do nothing that involves banana custard - you remember what happened last time. A square Venus means that the missing base-section from your bookcase finally turns up - but it's the wrong colour.
Lucky Turner: 'The Fighting Temeraire'
Lucky song: 'Someday my plinth will come'
Virgo (august 23 - september 22)
Mercury's influence is felt most strongly on today when a mis-delivered internal memo provides a glimpse of the tormented, horizonless landscape that is the HR department. On a brighter note, you will receive some news for which you've waited a very long time - you are to get your own card in the company "Top Trumps" card-game.
Lucky cake: Caraway seed
Lucky bag: Gladstone
Libra (september 23 - october 23)
Mixed news today when you receive a rejection from the patent office. It seems that the world is not yet ready for a smoke-alarm with a snooze-button, so back to the cookbooks for you! Retrograde Mercury means that you'll be particularly clumsy so the 'Jack Douglas' 731-piece tea service proves a good investment after all!
Lucky alias: 'The Tweed Tantaliser'
Lucky Cheese: Sage Derby
Scorpio (october 24 - november 21)
A square Saturn means a bit of a mixed-bag fortune-wise. A rash purchase of a packet of iced-gems means that you will need to visit the dentist to have the hole in the roof of your mouth repaired. You may be jostled in the lift by the CFO who will try to sell you a set of used cummerbunds.
Lucky outfit: Red feathers and a hooly-hooly skirt
Lucky ointment: Bonjella
Saggitarius (november 22 - december 21)
Although your last Birthday was enjoyable, you at last recognise that your dream of making a top 20 single is likely to be prejudiced by the fact that you have ear-hairs older than Kylie Minogue. Neptune rising will trigger an allergic reaction to Vaseline. Be sure to let Hortense at the sandwich bar know about this.
Lucky smell: Play-Doh
Lucky custard: Banana
Capricorn (december 22 - january 19)
This afternoon there will be some confusion at the supermarket when you ask an assistant if they have any tinned pears in stock. They will only have syrup, so you may have to settle for cling peaches in a rich onion gravy as usual. A square between Mercury and Pluto on Wednesday means that the usual Friday night 'bar-maggot-race may be canceled due to an influx of the 'wrong sort'.
Lucky polymer: Long-chain
Lucky parting: Dolly
Aquarius (january 20 - february 18)
The appearance of Chiron transiting the new Moon on Monday will bring a new and powerful influence to bear on your life. You are spotted while leaping to avoid a cycle-courier on the way to work and your new support tights you bought last Wednesday inadvertently earn you a place on the Olympic long-jump team.
Lucky soup: Muligatawny
Lucky finish: Treble 14, double top
Pisces (february 19 - march 20)
Well, Mercury is retrograde this week, which means that poor weather will cause the cancellation of all performances at the Globe. You and several colleagues may be called upon to act as a theatrical 'pools panel'. Just put Romeo and Juliet down as a score draw, and Richard III as an away win for the Tudors.
Lucky flapjack: Cheese and onion
Lucky Triumph: Jubilee 650
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