Help with my decision

[Guest]

Ok this is tough and I know there are MANY other threads like this so I do appologise, but I feel I need to help regarding my exact issue.

Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 3 years. We're both in our early 20's. We moved in together just over a year ago.

I would have considered our relationship a good one, we went out a lot for meals, had nice evenings in, enjoyed cuddling up. And at the beginning it was very good, he bought me flowers etc.

Now I guess as any relationship goes, it's always harder after a few years to keep the candle lit and the excitement there. I do understand that.

For about the past 2 years we've had problems with our sex life. I would have said that I had a very high sex drive and he had a low one.
I think the last time we had sex was in July of this year (so about 3 months ago), I think this is the longest. In the past year we've on average had it once a month.
Now if I was talking about this 5 or 6 months ago, I would have said 'yes my sex drive is higher definatly', but now it's getting to the stage where I'm not even pushing for it.
Before meeting my boyfriend I would describe my sex life as very active!! More than usual for a female even!

Now I know he uses porn, and this used to be a MASSIVE issue, but now I have got over that and just let him get on with it.

I have spoken to him about this sooo many times, but now he always refuses to talk about the issue. I think thats why I've even given in with bothering about sex.

Now, I recently had a job (not working there anymore) and I become very close with someone, and I would now consider that I am in love with this other man. Nothing has happened between us, and he also has a partner. I haven't told this man how I feel, and probably never will but this I think is making an impact on my relationship.

The other problem is since we've lived together I've noticed parts of him that really make me angry or upset me.
I am overweight and even though I am trying to do something about it, he's always pushing me.... "when did you go to the gym?", "don't have that for dinner!" etc etc. He says its only because he cares, and this is probably the truth but it does hurt my feelings.

Also, I would say that I am a reasonably tidy person, I like things to look nice and to be home proud, but he is SO messy, it winds me up. I feel like I'm always following him around like his mother!

Because of my age, I am starting to feel like maybe I have done all of this commitment too young, and feel I am desperate to have my own space.

I have wrote a list of positive and negative things about him and our relationship, as I thought this may make it clearer in my head. But I have an equal amount of each.

About 6 months ago I had a BIG talk with him, saying I'm now happy. For most of the reasons above, and it broke his heart. I've never seen a man cry like that in my life. Obviously, I decided I wanted to stay with him, but these feelings are back again.

Now because this is a problem page, I've listed all of our problems.... there are good parts of our relationship and I can honestly say I do love him.
What I am scared of is leaving him and always regretting it, as I know i love him. I've never been so deep into a relationship before and I feel I have a lot to loose.

[Lena]

Start drinking heavily then go to bar and get laid ...................it worke for me

[Guest]

Also, I should add that he is quite controlling.... for example....the other night he said he doesn't want me to wear scarfs again and he doesn't like them.

I of course told him I will wear them if I want but it's just the fact that he said that annoyed me.

[glidewest]

Did you talk about what made him most upset when you had the big talk 6 months ago? if I was that upset, I'd try and change the things that had led us to that point.

That's my balanced thoughts.

My unbalanced thoughts are, if my partner was getting off on porn and then not showing me any bed time affection I'd be ending the relationship.

[LynneJ]

I think he is too domineering for you. You are young. I'd be strongly tempted to end the relationship and look elsewhere. You sound a lovely person and should not allow anyone to make you that unhappy at such a young age.

[Guest]

Thank you for your advice, you know... in the back of my mind I know thats the right thing (to end it), I just fear the sight of hurting anyone, never mind someone I care about. And I also am scared of being alone.

x

[glidewest]

you care about hurting him, but isn't he hurting you?

being single has a lot going for it, and fear of being alone shouldn't be a reason for staying in an unsatisfactory relationship

[Guest]

Yeah... I guess you're right. This is so hard.

[Starshine]

Communicate. Sit down and talk, try and come up with a plan that works and if you can't I know it's hard but it's time to walk away. Good luck!

[Guest]

I went to see a flat yesterday, as a potential to live in if we broke up.

I don't think it was a good idea as now all I can think of is living there, and not focusing on our relationship.

He asked me the other night if I was happy, I didn' t have the heart to say no. Maybe this is all my fault.

xx

[Guest]

You're so young. You have plenty of time to get back with this boy if it's meant to be, but it sounds like he has some growing up to do. Move into your flat, but quit lying to him about your feelings. It's only going to be harder for him now, and how will he ever trust you again if you got back together in the end?

[glidewest]

now all I can think of is living there, and not focusing on our relationship.

if all you can think of of living there, I would feel this is a good sign in that this is what you should be doing.

But guest above is right, you have to be honest with him

[Guest]

I went to see a flat yesterday, as a potential to live in if we broke up.

I don't think it was a good idea as now all I can think of is living there, and not focusing on our relationship.

He asked me the other night if I was happy, I didn' t have the heart to say no. Maybe this is all my fault.

xx

Maybe it was a great idea?

Nothing is ever one persons fault but you perpetuate your problems by lying to him. You're unhappy and you dont get what you need from this relationship. So much so that you've been to see a flat and the thought of living alone there makes you feel good - TELL HIM - take the fallout - the fallout will help you make a decision for yourself. Stop hiding - you have a right to voice your unhappiness. You're not saving his feelings by not being truthfull you are prolonging your unhappiness and being unfair to him.

Noodles.

[Guest]

I went to see a flat yesterday, as a potential to live in if we broke up.

I don't think it was a good idea as now all I can think of is living there, and not focusing on our relationship.

He asked me the other night if I was happy, I didn' t have the heart to say no. Maybe this is all my fault.

xx

Maybe it was a great idea?

Nothing is ever one persons fault but you perpetuate your problems by lying to him. You're unhappy and you dont get what you need from this relationship. So much so that you've been to see a flat and the thought of living alone there makes you feel good - TELL HIM - take the fallout - the fallout will help you make a decision for yourself. Stop hiding - you have a right to voice your unhappiness. You're not saving his feelings by not being truthfull you are prolonging your unhappiness and being unfair to him.

Noodles.

And yes is scarey - but life is sometimes.

[Guest]

Thank you everyone for your help and advice. It's his birthday at the weekend so I think it's a little unfair to do it then, but I do plan on talking to him and addressing the feelings I have.

Many many thanks!! xx