My boyfriends female friend - is she overstepping the mark?

[Poppy113]

Did you speak to your boyfriend again about this?

Yes, briefly...hence the new post..

and? Does he plan to change anything?

Not the meeting arrangements and I'm not sure what has happened to the resolutions they are sharing. He still plans to see her but perhaps once a fortnight from time to time.

I don't feel great about recent events...perhaps I need to consider what to do if he cannot change.

[MaxtheGaul]

I think the exclusion, and the lack of openness are both bad signs. If you were the most important person in his life he wouldn't behave like that.

Both I and my g/f have friends of the opposite sex, but they are always welcome here, and neither of us would dream of building a friendship from which the other was excluded. That doesn't mean we have to spend lots of time with each other's friends, and some of hers are not people I have a lot in common with (and vice versa). But we don't place barriers to each other and I that feels wrong.

The age this is something only you can judge, we have a gap of more than 20 years. It's never mattered to us.

Good luck, hope things work out for you.

[Bouncy]

I think the exclusion, and the lack of openness are both bad signs. If you were the most important person in his life he wouldn't behave like that.

I agree. When you want to share your life with someone you love, you want to share all parts of it, not set conditions on certain areas and people. You don't have to like all the friends of your partner, but it's unfair for you to be excluded and treated as less important than them. Regardless of that friend's gender.

[chococookie]

^^agreed, and the facebook incident seems small, but it's still very odd. he's being too insensitive. btw 6 years is nothing.

[Cambridge]

It has been so helpful to read the range of comments people have made towards my first post.

Everyone is different and so it is simply not a question of saying 'men and women can neve be friends', every situation needs to be judged based on the two individuals within it and this is where I think the problem begins...

I have only met the woman in question a few times (when she was with her last boyfriend) and since, I have not met her. She has only been at the house when I have not been there (I was out with friends).

My boyfriend has never suggested we all meet up together when questioned about this he says he prefers to keep some friends 'just to himself' and meet up with them on his own. Friends that belong to him and not shared.

I know he also communicates with this woman on facebook. I am on facebook but he has refused to accept me as one of his friends and will not give a reason why.

He told me this weekend if he was going to 'go off with her' he would have done it years ago (despite the fact she had a boyfriend then).

I think I feel uncomfortable because of some of the things many of you questioned and picked up on:

* I have not seen this woman for some time.
* I feel excluded as a result from some part of his life - facebook just being part of this, although I think the whole hysteria about these sites far exceeds their actual worth.
* When they meet they plan to do things and have a range of great experiences - I find he can be quite lazy at planning weekends with me despite my need for the new and exciting.
* Although still young (and hopefully attractive) I am six years younger than him and it has just started to get to me - probably because she is the same age as him.

You can see this whole thing is starting to affect my confidence which annoys me because I'm usually such a positive person.

Thanks for all your comments so far...

Now, the part about excluding you is troubling. Then it's not just about including her. He's saying that there's a part of his life he doesn't want to let you into. Even if he said that about the family dog it would be troubling. But another woman? Accepting her would take a liberal and tolerant attitude on your part; excluding you from the picture of him and her means he's an a**hole. Sorry about what seems to be a turn-around, but that is the exact converse of what I was saying before...I hope you can see that.

Don't think about it as infidelity, sexual or otherwise. The next time he argues or belittles you with the contention that nothing has happened between him and this girl, so everything is all right, present this to him. There's a patent message on the surface here. He's not accepting you. He's reserving a bit of life (or something) on the side, for some reason only he knows. That's insulting!! I think you'd better look elsewhere.

[aasd19]

how long have you been together?

[Poppy113]

how long have you been together?

7 years in April.

[MaxtheGaul]

Poppy, I may be wrong, and I don't know that you are going to like this but... I can only tell it how I see it.

You met your b/f when you were 25 and he was 19. You were probably a bit of a trophy for a lad not yet out of his teens. Clearly you click pretty well because otherwise you wouldn't have lasted 7 years. However, 19 is very young to make a long term commitment, and I think he's got more than a seven year itch. I think he feels he needs to explore and experience and may even feel he's a bit trapped by you.

I think this is the reason for the succession of female friends. I'm not saying he's cheated, but I think he would if you hinted that you would be OK with it. I think there are underlying stresses and you don't want to lose him so you are accommodating them, he is stretching your tolerance levels further as time goes on. I suspect he will continue to do this, and will probably leave you eventually.

I don't think you can talk him out of this, and I don't think it's something that can be "fixed". If I were you I would consider that you are probably close to the end of your relationship.

If you want to find out without walking out on him, then you could tell him you understand that he is drawn to other women and that you are OK with that, provided he stays honest with you. You know he wants to sleep with this other woman and you are OK with that as long as he doesn't lie about it. Offer to let him spend the weekend with her, and see how he reacts. [By the way you have to be genuinely ready to live with whatever happens next]. If you sound really genuine he will either take you up on your offer, or he will tell you crossly that of course he wouldn't do that. In either case you have probably lost him. If he realises that something is hurting inside you and tries to understand it and fix it then you may have a chance. Whatever response you get, I'm sure you will know how to read it properly.

Rash? Not really, you are on a journey to nowhere at the moment. He's not really engaged in the relationship, and you are holding it together single handed. that doesn't sound like it's going to last.

[Cambridge]

What are you saying, Max? That she has to go over the line? No she doesn't. What, she must put a bow on this other woman's head and give her to him like some Christmas gift? If that's what you are saying, I'm outta here.

[aasd19]

how long have you been together?

7 years in April.

Have you yourself ever suggested meeting up together? I know he hasn't, but have you?

[Cambridge]

how long have you been together?

7 years in April.

Have you yourself ever suggested meeting up together? I know he hasn't, but have you?

I gather she has. Isn't that what she meant when she said he had expressed a desire to keep his relationship with the other girl separate. Rosana?

[aasd19]

how long have you been together?

7 years in April.

Have you yourself ever suggested meeting up together? I know he hasn't, but have you?

I gather she has. Isn't that what she meant when she said he had expressed a desire to keep his relationship with the other girl separate. Rosana?

I don't recall her saying it, perhaps I missed it. keeping the relationship separate sounds fishy. What about Rosanna?

[chococookie]

What are you saying, Max? That she has to go over the line? No she doesn't. What, she must put a bow on this other woman's head and give her to him like some Christmas gift? If that's what you are saying, I'm outta here.

Nothing that she says or does has any effect on her boyfriend. He seems to be taking her for granted. There isn't much else that she can do.

[Cambridge]

I don't recall her saying it, perhaps I missed it. keeping the relationship separate sounds fishy. What about Rosanna?

My boyfriend has never suggested we all meet up together when questioned about this he says he prefers to keep some friends 'just to himself' and meet up with them on his own. Friends that belong to him and not shared.

I believe this is what she said back on 11 January. In the same post she said she “felt excluded” as a result. I really don’t blame her. I think his comment is an arrogant, inconsiderate insult. And I'm a guy. If I ever heard this from a woman I would consider it my ticket to ride.

[aasd19]

I don't recall her saying it, perhaps I missed it. keeping the relationship separate sounds fishy. What about Rosanna?

My boyfriend has never suggested we all meet up together when questioned about this he says he prefers to keep some friends 'just to himself' and meet up with them on his own. Friends that belong to him and not shared.

I believe this is what she said back on 11 January. In the same post she said she “felt excluded” as a result. I really don’t blame her. I think his comment is an arrogant, inconsiderate insult. And I'm a guy.

I read that, he never suggests it but did she do that ever? I agree that it is insulting an insensitive.