husband doesn't want baby yet

[Guest]

I'm 24 years old, my husband is 30. We have been happily married for over a year and were together for 7 years before we married, the problem is a really feel ready to start our own family. My husband does want children but would rather get us in a better financial position. He earns quite good money and we both have extremly helpful parents. Both have said not to worry about money as if we do struggle they are there to help us, but my husband will not even entertain the idea untill we have cut down our credit card bills (we only owe about £3000, which is not that much compared to many)

I don't know what else to do to, i have always wanted to have children at around 25 and i'm worried that our bills may take longer to pay than my husband expects and it may take a long time to get pregnant which could take me into my 30's.

I feel ready now and dont want to wait 2yrs or more.

Any advice on how I could approch my husband.

Thankyou

[biker chick]

Tell him you want HIS baby........ he should be priviledged!

Debts are debts and everyone has them! Whether a mortgage or credit cards/loans!

If you have enough money to support a child then make it clear to him! Everyone manages!

[Rayana]

My advice to you is do not get pregnant on the sly. Thats what my boyfriends ex did, and he left her regarless. It makes a man feel trapped. The safest bet is to bring up the subject up again in a few months. Whatever you do do not push or pressure him. A child should be wanted by both its parents.

Good luck, you re still young! Be grateful that you have a happy marriage!

[biker chick]

Yep certainly dont do it on the sly.... That just shows a lack of respect and poor judgement.

You must talk to him further... at least if hes not keen right this second.. you could compromise about timing and when he feels he will be ready for it... and its something you can work up to and get really prepared for. If he says in 12 months at least you know its on the cards.

Keep talking and enjoy your relationship whilst you can!

[ucotwirler]

I'm in the same situation, and it has almost killed our marriage. I've waited for over a year and a half, and he still is not "ready" to have a child. We have been to therapy, we have a supportive family, and we both have good jobs. He is very hateful now when I try to discuss it. Most of the time, I know what he will say and I've grown scared to even discuss children.

This is why I've grown discontented with our marriage. Everyone tells me that he will never want them, and he is just dragging me along.

I have tried all approaches.....being silent, working on improving our marriage, researching, having therapy, but all in all it has left me feeling frustrated and depressed because he keeps saying the same thing; that he's not ready.
There is no reason, he's just scared to have a child. (like most)
I have given my husband a deadline. Unfortuntely, I've decided that after this deadline I've waited long enough for him to decide. I will leave, because I see it as him making all the decision in our lives and a marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
If your man at least talks about children that is a good start. Maybe talk to his parents and see what they think. Good luck!

[Friction]

I'm in the same situation, and it has almost killed our marriage. I've waited for over a year and a half, and he still is not "ready" to have a child. We have been to therapy, we have a supportive family, and we both have good jobs. He is very hateful now when I try to discuss it. Most of the time, I know what he will say and I've grown scared to even discuss children.

This is why I've grown discontented with our marriage. Everyone tells me that he will never want them, and he is just dragging me along.

I have tried all approaches.....being silent, working on improving our marriage, researching, having therapy, but all in all it has left me feeling frustrated and depressed because he keeps saying the same thing; that he's not ready.
There is no reason, he's just scared to have a child. (like most)
I have given my husband a deadline. Unfortuntely, I've decided that after this deadline I've waited long enough for him to decide. I will leave, because I see it as him making all the decision in our lives and a marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
If your man at least talks about children that is a good start. Maybe talk to his parents and see what they think. Good luck!

Original poster, your debt doesn't seem to be competing with your income, otherwise I have a feeling you would be siding with him on that concern. Your husband seems scared to have a baby. He could be worrying about what life will be like for the both of you if you have a child. Ask him if this is the reason and discuss with him how does he invision both of your future with a baby included.

If he continues to give excuses - you've done what you could. You need to decide if you will continue to accept this from him, or find someone whose goals are more attuned with yours. If he doesn't want a child, that's his perogative, but as his wife you have the right to know if it's in his heart not to have one.

A baby should be wanted by both parents in a marriage. You have a lot of history with your partner, but is staying with him worth sacrificing your dream of having a child? Keep ucotwirler's advice in mind on how to followup.

[zelda_star]

I think the above posters are right in saying that you should leave if you really want a child that badly and he doesn't. It's not fair on either of you to live in that situation. There aren't really any compromises you can make on having a child, either you have one or you don't.

It goes without saying that you should not get pregnant while he says no. To do otherwise would be completely disrespectful. You should also not pressure him into having a child through an ultimatum. This would not be beneficial for ANYONE no matter how many people say "oh he'll change his mind". Both parties should want the child. His financial concerns are absolutely correct. You should be financially stable to have a child and have contingency money set aside incase something happens (you have a child with special needs, he loses his job, just two examples). He is being sensible.

I find it incredibly sad that you would be willing to leave him if he doesn't want a child within a timeframe specified by you. You're really willing to throw away your marriage on what might be?

My advice would be wait until he is ready. Maybe you could live more frugally or work more hours to help reduce the bills? Just a thought.

[Guest]

Thank you for all the replys ( i placed the first post).
After several indepth and heartfelt conversations with my husband, we have agreed we will start trying for a baby after christmas! We will enjoy a good new year with our friends while there are no other priorities. My husbands had started to change his mind as he was thinking if we do want children together we might aswell go for it. We thought together, what would be 'right time' for us? When we had enough money? when i wanted to give up work? ect.. but we've decided we love each other and want nothing more than a child together and we will get over all obsticals as we reach them.

Thanks for all the advice.

[Guest]

Wahey!!!! Great news! Enjoy the freedom whilst you can and let us know if you have any luck!

Fantastic news! Really very happy for you!

[biker chick]

Sorry that was me above! Didnt log in properly!

[hmm]

It sounds to me like you're pushing him into it, and that's not fair.

[Guest]

Just for the record, I did not push my husband into it! How on earth did you come to that conclusion? We spoke about the issue several times and there is no way I would push someone into a decision like having a baby if they didn't want to. I want our child to be wanted and loved by both parents. I want my husbands child for that sole reason, not just because I want a baby of my own.

Either you are on a wind up or you are really pathetic enough to make a judgement on someone without fully reading the situation.

[Guest]

I'm 24 years old, my husband is 30. We have been happily married for over a year and were together for 7 years before we married, the problem is a really feel ready to start our own family. My husband does want children but would rather get us in a better financial position. He earns quite good money and we both have extremly helpful parents. Both have said not to worry about money as if we do struggle they are there to help us, but my husband will not even entertain the idea untill we have cut down our credit card bills (we only owe about £3000, which is not that much compared to many)

I don't know what else to do to, i have always wanted to have children at around 25 and i'm worried that our bills may take longer to pay than my husband expects and it may take a long time to get pregnant which could take me into my 30's.

I feel ready now and dont want to wait 2yrs or more.

Any advice on how I could approch my husband.

Thankyou

If he doesn't want it now, you can't force it. If you force it, you might drive him away.

[loki_uk]

There has to be a deeper reason beyond not being "ready" he must be scared for a reason, mine was having issues over being adopted and worrying I couldn't handle the situation

I was pushed into it too soon and had a breakdown over it

I'm in the same situation, and it has almost killed our marriage. I've waited for over a year and a half, and he still is not "ready" to have a child. We have been to therapy, we have a supportive family, and we both have good jobs. He is very hateful now when I try to discuss it. Most of the time, I know what he will say and I've grown scared to even discuss children.

This is why I've grown discontented with our marriage. Everyone tells me that he will never want them, and he is just dragging me along.

I have tried all approaches.....being silent, working on improving our marriage, researching, having therapy, but all in all it has left me feeling frustrated and depressed because he keeps saying the same thing; that he's not ready.
There is no reason, he's just scared to have a child. (like most)
I have given my husband a deadline. Unfortuntely, I've decided that after this deadline I've waited long enough for him to decide. I will leave, because I see it as him making all the decision in our lives and a marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
If your man at least talks about children that is a good start. Maybe talk to his parents and see what they think. Good luck!

[babs68]

Hi there,

Just came across this forum today. I'm 33 and married for 4 years. My husband is 34. I've been wanting to start a family for ages now but problem is my husband keeps saying he just isn't 'ready'. I'm so frustrated I really don't know what to do.

We've talked about it over and over but still have not made any progress. I know he has fears about the responsibilty of having a new baby but in my mind this is something every expectant father has and you just have to bite the bullet and do it.

I've also had major gynae problems over the past 10 years - numerous surgeries and heavy medication and as it is the odds are really not in my favour for conceiving. I feel like my husband isn't considering my feelings enough and the fact that at 33 and with gynae problems as time goes on my chances are getting slimmer by the day. I'm so afraid that by the time he's really ready it will be too late and I'll end up resenting him. I know you can't expect someone to have a baby when they're not ready but at the same time I feel he's ignoring our circumstances. I know other couples where one person hasn't been as ready as the other but because of circumstances e.g. age of woman etc... they have gone ahead and done it.

I feel so angry all the time. So many of our friends are now having kids and the women keep going on about how excited the partner is and I'm feeling so devasted inside.

Would love some advice.

Babs