Understanding the workings of men!

[Krispy10]

Here's the low down.....

I met a wonderful man. He's great to my children and treats me like a queen. We'd been seeing eachother for about 9 months and all of a sudden the "I"M NOT SURE WHAT I WANT, AND I'M NOT READY FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP" came out. I was devasted - because this came out of left field........ We had a truly fantastic relationship, no fighting and always had a great time together and mingled well with everyone involved.

well anyways we didn't talk for about a week...... then all of a sudden we saw eachother and wham, all over eachother and it's been like that since and it's now been almost 3 months since we ended the "relationship" portion. I want to be with him, but don't know what to do. I don't want to freak him out with the whole committment thing, because I wasn't asking to live together, be married or even children. I was happy being with him.

Why do men act like this?? Are they scared?

He has assured me that there is no one else, and we talk on a regular basis same as before. How do I express those feelings without making him put his tale between his legs and run?

[Lola]

It isn't a purely male thing,both men and women have doubts of the kind you mention.
I wouldn't be overtly scared,seeing that you are still having a good time together.
He has doubts but how many people don't ? Doubts come and go.Doubts are part of human nature and don't necessarily have to have any major dramatic effects on a relationship.Enjoy the time together and he might even learn that he needn't have doubts about the two of you because things are fun and positive.

[grinforgrin]

He's probably scared that all the bad things that happened in his past relationships will happen again, things will fall apart, and he'll end up hurting himself, and you and your kids. If he's aware that he's scared, suggest that he see a counselor to dig up the problems that are scaring him so they can be dealt with. It's not what happens to you that counts, it's how you deal with it.

[pointy]

I'm going to be really negative here: in my experience, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" usually means "I'm not ready for a serious relationship with you". If things are going as great as they'd need to be to move things forward, he shouldn't be giving a second thought to what he's ready for or not.

[Dix]

Read the book - "Why Men Are the Way They Are" by Warren Farrell. You'll learn all you need to learn - And, you'll be armed with a great tool; knowledge and understanding.

[StraightMale]

You don't say but I'm guessing that neither of you are in the first bloom of adulthood, while neither are old yet. If he go involved with you too much - started living with you - then he would be making himself very vulnerable. After a few years, or after marriage, you could split from him and take his home, most of his money and a big part of his future income from him: all legal and enforced since you are the mother of the children. He may simply be sensible enough to realise this and not want to expose himself to the dangers of a deep relationship with a mother. The way the courts allocate assets in a break-up really work against the interest of a mother looking for a man in her life.

You don't state what feelings you have trouble expressing. You should be able to tell him you love him and are happy to have a relationship with him without living together - which seems to be what you are telling us here.

It seems to me that you're having a great time, enjoying his company and getting what you want from it. What's the big deal? You know relationships don't last forever but if you are willing to stick to this guy on whatever terms he finds acceptable, things are likely to last quite a time.

[Voodoo_Child]

Here is the low-down: all men are different. I can't guess why this guy has acted the way he has. Likely only he can tell you that. We are all individuals and all incredibly complex. You can't pick apart his behaviour in a forum.

[grinforgrin]

He may be worried that you're planning to ask him to marry you, or expecting him to ask you to marry him. If that's not what you're looking for, tell him. In the absence of any actual information about what you want/need from the relationship, he's kinda foundering. Talk to him, explain how you feel, tell him what path you'd like your relationship to take, and then give him time to respond, be it a few minutes or a few days. He's probably thought about it a good deal himself, but don't pressure him to respond right away.

You're two adults talking about a potentially wonderful future, there is every reason to talk things over and do this right.