Why does my husband blame me for everything?

[idunno]

Hi, I am new to this board and I am really confused and hurt about how my husband treats me. Anytime, I mean ANYTIME something goes wrong I am the one to blame. It feel like I have a sigh attached to my forehead that says --> BLAME ME HERE! If something goes wrong with the finances, guess what? Its my fault..same goes for everything. This just started up about 2 months ago, and hasn't let up yet. Does anyone know what could be going on and how to go about dealing with it? I am at my wits end!

[MarriedMom]

Hello idunno,

Well, seeing as how no one has responded to your post, it's pretty obvious this is a hard topic to give light on. But considering how hurtful this situation is for you, and that you are dying for someone to try and help, I'll give it a shot.

You say this behavior started two months ago? OR, has this always been an ongoing problem and it has just gotten worse? If not, then there is definitely something going on that has disturbed your husband's emotional waters. How are your finances exactly? Does he like his job? Have any MAJOR changes that have affected your family in any way taken place? Ex: lost a job, got a new house, any shift in the family, etc.

It could be a case of depression on your husband's part. Many men, when they are feeling depressed, hate to resort to vocalizing their feelings. Maybe your husband is feeling some guilt or helplessness in a situation that he has no control over. Since he feels out of control, and like most men, hates to blame himself, he's possibly trying to find an outlet as an answer to his problems. Unfortunately, that outlet seems to be you. I've been with several men that have had a habit of turning the tables on me when in all actuality, it was just their mindless way of trying to give an uncontrollable situation some "tangible" blame.

If that's not the case, then the problem could possibly be more deeply rooted than just him being depressed over something. I'm not going to say he's cheating or God forbid, anything worse than that, but from the sounds of it, there is something that is eating away at his mind that is causing him to lash out at you as a way for him to feel safeguarded. While that sounds bizarre, it can be a common thing for many men. My ex would do this to me. Whenever there was an issue in his life that he felt he had screwed up on, he would automatically tear into me, saying, "You just think I'm stupid, don't you? Maybe I wouldn't screw up so much if you believed in me more. You make me not care." He had a way of turning the blame on me for his screw ups by saying I wasn't supporting him. What a turd!

Who knows, there is a possibility that you might be adding to his stress and you're just not aware of it. Are you spending too much money when you know your finances aren't that great? That's just a small example, but remember, just as it takes two for a marriage to work, it takes two for things to go wrong most of the time also.

If he dodges you when you ask him straight out about his behavior, then you need to simply tell him how his actions are affecting you. Notice I said SIMPLY. Don't go into a rant about "you do this... you do that... you DON'T do this... you DON'T do that...". That, my dear, is nagging, and will get you nowhere with a man. You need to simply speak in terms of how you FEEL. "I feel when this happens that..." "When you say this, I feel...". You don't want to put more blame on him, especially if there is something that he is feeling guilty about in the first place.

Good luck to you, and if the abuse continues, just remember, you don't have to put up with it. I'm not saying get a divorce, but especially if there are kids involved, then maybe your husband just needs a cooling off period. Give him his space, try to make yourself happy and build on who you are and do things you enjoy. Don't let his behavior tear you down, and most definitely DON'T let him think his behavior is okay. Let me know what happens and keep in touch!

MM