Need help - [b]BIG TIME[/b]

[Puma]

Well, I've never discussed this with anyone before, so here goes .... I've been married for 24 years and the first 15 or so were fantastic ... since that time its been going downhill and recently at a rather precipitous decline .... I'm a very sensual and sexual person which has both its ups and downs (no pun intended) ... well, the big dilemna is that I've not made love with my wife (or any female for that matter; though I use my hand daily) in almost two years .... at first it was she was "too busy and overworked" (she is a stay-at-home Mom; we have two kids, 16 and 9 years old who are rather self-sufficient) ... so it was just cuddling at bedtime .. then it got to be absolutley nothing at all (she makes no attempt for any type of physical contact) .... so you all know before jumping to conclusions, I'm not a slob (work-out and play basketball to stay in shape), fix dinner every night for the family (I consider myself an decent chef with a range of food that I prepare), have a senior level position at a large company (work about 9 hours a day and limit my business travel to be home) .. coach the kids in sports and do activities with them .. take care of myself (dental exams, shower daily, have all my hair, etc., etc.) .... keep the home well-kept ... yet I'm getting nothing .... and its such that I'm starting to figure "what's the use" - I'd certainly do even more if I was receiving some physical attention .... so, ladies or gents, any advice on what might be wrong and what I might think of doing to correct the situation, short of looking for a casual person for some sexual olympics (hell, who am I kidding, I'd take anything sexual right now) .... but, I did make a vow when we married, and, I'd like to keep it .... please help .....

[MarriedMom]

First of all, let me be the first to commend you on the fact that you don't want to resort to an affair. You've had a long and lasting relationship with this woman, and it would be a shame to destroy what you have because of a quick romp in the sack.

I feel for you. Honestly I do. But I wonder, how old is your wife? Has she had any physical problems lately (hormone issues, hysterectomy, etc.). It could be that she has lost her sex drive and is too ashamed to let you know it. I myself am also a SAH mom, and to some degree I understand where your wife is coming from. I haven't been married as long as you two have (almost a year now) but I've been with my husband 4 years now. If there are no physical problems causing her behavior, then it could just be that she is bored and feeling complacent. Many SAH moms get to where they feel "stuck in a rut". The same routine, the same atmosphere, and the same scenario when it comes to lovemaking/sex. Have you two made any attempts at spicing things up? Been there, done that? Or is that something she hasn't shown interest in?

First of all, if you haven't tried to bring up the subject, you need to. Not in a harsh way, however. Don't make her feel like she is a problem. Make her feel that you both have a problem to work on... because it is a serious problem when couples lose their sex life. We are after all, only humans, and sex is something we need in order to stay sane. LOL Hell, you know that, I don't need to preach to the choir! You might just have to come right out and suggest couples therapy. Women work emotionally (of course) and if there is something eating away at her mentally, then she surely isn't going to want to be physical. Does she have low self-esteem? Does she seem stressed, frustrated, or just plain "I don't care. Whatever."?? You need to pay attention to how she reacts to everyday life and see if there is a possible case of depression.

The best thing you can do is let her know you are concerned. If you don't show that you care about her feelings, then she's not going to care about catering to your needs either. We are complicated creatures, and unfortunately, we to some extent expect you to read our minds. We feel that if you can show concern and emotion towards us by being able to tell what we are feeling, then you are being a damn good man. Sadly though, many women are setting their expectations too high because men just aren't always capable of doing that. God knows I don't quite understand everything my husband is thinking all the time, why should I expect him to do the same?? You just have to tell her you are aware there has been a change, you are concerned, and you want to do whatever you can to help her through this.

Another thing could be that she just doesn't feel sexy anymore. I know after taking care of a pooping, puking, needy little person all day, the last thing I feel is sexy. She may have slipped into "mommy mode" and has forgotten that she is more than just a housewife and nurturer. The same issue goes for taking care of teenagers too, but on a different level.

She needs to rediscover herself. Does she get out and do activities that don't involve you or the children? Does she get a break from them at LEAST once a week? If not, you need to suggest she do that. Do something simple for her to let her have some "me" time. Buy her a gift certificate for a day of pampering. Getting a mani and a pedi, message, facial is a wonderful way to be reminded that you are a feminine, sensual creature. She needs to be reminded that making herself happy is the only way she can have a happy household. What kind of hobbies is she interested in? What types of things did she do when she was younger? Try to suggest she get involved in doing something she once enjoyed but has since dropped since becoming a SAH mommy. Once she rediscovers herself by remembering she is a sexual, feminine creature with needs of her own, she will be more apt to want to rediscover her sexual side.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help, but I'm just speaking from what I've experienced and felt lately. I know I'm at my happiest (and so is my partner) when I take time away from everything occasionally to indulge in some selfish needs. We all need that, and without it, our souls slowly deteriorate.

Good luck, and keep us posted. I'm curious to know how things work out for you. Most importantly though, HANG IN THERE. It's obvious you love this woman, and I believe you would do anything you could to salvage your relationship/love.

MM

[GAPeach]

Hey Puma!! Sorry for cut off post on the other one yesterday but my man walked in, like to keep his curiousity up. LOL.
Anyhow, sorry but I had not read this post from you, but what MM says is so true. I know with my hubby that he is bad about keeping things inside and will not talk about it. Maybe your wifw is the same. I know that I saw my parents grow apart and after 32 years of marriage they got a divorce. When I was younger they use to bowl, play cards, go to parties, and etc... After my sis and I started our own lives, they just went there separt ways. Neither one wanted to budge. He liked golf, she disliked it. She liked the ballet, he disliked. They wanted each other to go do their hobbies, but then mom would say well golf takes 4-5 hours so you have to go see 2 ballet shows. Then my dad would get mad because she would not cook dinner that much anymore. She worked till 7 at night. The list just goes on and on. They would not budge or try to work on these problems. In a marriage it takes 2. It takes both of you giving and sharing. It can not always be one person taking all the time and the other alwys just giving. I know that there are things I really dislike but I do them anyhow.
Why did you and her falll and love in the first place? What did you all do when you first got married? Do you have interest that are the same?
Like I have tried to beat in to my husbands brain, it is the small things that he does that mean more to me than anything else. It is not going and buying a dozen roses, its the one rose he picked off the rose bush. It the simple $3.00 card that says "I love you". Like MM said ask and liusten to what she wants and needs. Tell her that you are have some insecurites about yalls marriage. Liek MM said she might be going through depression, or a midlife or even menopause. I know at one time I gained about 15 to 20 pounds and I did not want to do anything or even for my hubby to look at me naked. He never critized me for gaining weight. Then I started back at the gym, and now I am smaller and leaner than I have ever been. It is a great way to relieve stress. Well this has gotten long winded, so I'll wrap it up. Keep us posted, and good luck. She is really lucky that you do care enough to try to fix it before something else. GAPeach