why don't guys say what they feel

[Guest]

I made them express themselves and over the years they learnt to communicate without me having to force them.

Good advice. I'm not sure how "thankful" the men are, but men do need to communicate if they want to have a good relationship. The burden is on women in most cases. Just note the difference between non-stop-ear-hammering-into-abject-submission and good communication.

-Mike

Not thankful in a wimpy way,thankful that they can now do something better that they couldn't properly do before.

[Guest]

Thus adding to a better sense of self and feeling less restricted.

There's nothing wrong with being thankful either.

[Guest]

Men have to be strong (not a bad thing). I don’t know where this comes from since I was raised by a single mom. If no one compliments them, they just keep trudging along knowing that they are still o.k. Some men do need constant reassurance, but they are the whiners. We all know this guy, and no one likes him. I know when I have done something well, the patent office sends me a letter. I don’t need my boss to say so. There is nothing wrong with a compliment, but I don’t live for them.

I compliment woman. I compliment men. I do feel women need more reassurance though. I tend to fear that I am placating if I do it too much. I am also suspicious of someone that compliments me too often. I guess I feel that woman should not need so much attention. Just be strong. A man feels that unless he says otherwise, he still loves you; so by saying it with marriage, he assumes that you know it, having been told once. As for pats, kisses and hugs, those are nice, but for me, a hug leads to wondering hands, which leads to sex (which as any Mormon will tell you, leads to slow dancing). Men also show their love with sex, since this is how they like to be shown love. Sex = love.

A “real man” is taught to be self reliant, and men extrapolate this to the women in their lives. Also, men don’t want to “burden” others with their problems, so they don’t volunteer such feeling. What good does showing your feelings do. It does not solve the problem to cry, just get off you ass and fix the problem.

How was your day sweetheart? Men feel that each day is the same for them, so why ask. Unless there is a particular reason to ask about the day’s happenings, they don’t see the need.

Stereotype.

[Guest]

Stereotype.

Well I suppose, but he's right in a sense. It's also a juvenile way of looking at it. Deliberate on his part I'm sure.

-Mike

[Guest]

Not thankful in a wimpy way,thankful that they can now do something better that they couldn't properly do before.

No NO. Thankful that we have a loving person to come home to. Sure most men need help with communication, I'm the first to admit it. I'd also point out that we're not in a loving relationship because "we can't properly do" it without women. Dogs are more faithful afterall.

-Mike <a.k.a. the insensitive one>

[Voodoo_Child]

Most men (let's be honest) ar unable to express feelings. It isn't their fault: it is society, which tells them they have to be macho and unemotional. I, for one, am a very sensitive and open guy; i wear my heart on my sleeve. All the girls I have dated (at the age of 17 the sum total is three, lol) have said that they find it an endearing quality. If you want to blame anyone for male emotional impotence then blame society and the macho man image. Don't start attacking the individual man.

[mostirreverent]

Stereotype.

Well I suppose, but he's right in a sense. It's also a juvenile way of looking at it. Deliberate on his part I'm sure.

-Mike

Stereotype, of course. These are all general attributes in most of the posts No one ever thinks they are speaking for the world, but it is more than just the individual that they speak for (i.e. general consensus). I think it is obvious that men can share their feelings. What I tried to express, is that most don’t consider it in most cases because it does not occur to them/us to do so, since the underlying issues of a feeling don’t show up on his radar. More a lack of over sensitivity than insensitivity.

I think most of my other points are true, but look bigger once you make an issue of them in type or simply out loud. That could also be a cause for the quiet male. Often a given feeling does not require amplification that would be necessitated by its very expression.

I supposed sex = love bugged you. Well, taking the above into account, and assuming that there are not glaring issues at hand, as long as sex is there, the word looks good to most men.

[hi_there]

Speaking for myself, and leaving out quite a bit still.. by age 10 I had learned to lie, to hide things that I was sensitive about, to not bring up topics that others responded negatively toward, to deliberately obfuscate to protect myself from punishment, teasing and judgments by others.

By age 20 I was tall and strong and those things became easier. People stopped questioning me openly about whether I might have lied or what secret thoughts I had.

By age 30 I felt shame over most of my emotions and desires and lost nearly all feelings of happiness and life seemed to have nothing substantial to offer me, I could see little to look forward to...

I'm now 37 and trying desperately to be open, communicative and honest. That's brought me peace and happiness although it is still to this day a nerve-wracking experience for me to really open up and tell others what's going on inside me.

It's not that I didn't know what I thought (although often I could not identify exactly how I felt about something or other) but rather that I was utterly terrified that giving away the information would ultimately cause me emotional pain.

[MarriedMom]

It's obvious that many women don't feel comfortable sharing or expressing their emotions. My ex-wife is a prime example. I loved her as much as I did when we were first dating. After being together for four years, she still to this day has a hard time opening up to me. sHe never pays me compliments, she never tells me thank you, she never says thank you for putting up with that asshole at work. sHe never even gives me little pats or kisses on the cheek. When I ask her about why she is this way, she simply says, "I talk all the time about my day? Don't you know that I love you because I unloaded my emotional wreak on you?" Well, anyone can get married, but not everyone can make a marriage last. Doing these things for men is a very important factor in COMMUNICATING. (I just felt about 20 women or more cringe when I brought that word up).

I think that what women need to realize is that men thrive on reassurance. Whether it be from a parent, a friend or a spouse/girlfriend, we want to HEAR that we're loved. We want to hear praise and gratitude. While we may know deep down that our women love us and care about us, we occasionally need verbal/-physical- reassurance to satisfy our emotional turmoil. I know I would feel much better about myself if my wife would occasionally pay me a compliment or show some affection without me having to initiate it. I think it is simply a case of two totally different brains. women simply do not work on an emotional level the same way men do. I'm not saying women don't have emotions, (far from it, they are emotional rollercoasters) I'm just saying they don't see the importance of doing things together and acting on what they are feeling emotionally.

If women could just realize men need this from time to time, I think there would be a lot less cheating men running around out there. LOL I'm not saying ALL women are this way, but there is definitely a huge majority that have no clue that doing these things means so much to men.

Any thoughts?

Mike

Ok smartypants.. lol. You got my attention in your cute attempt to knock what I had to say. But by copying what I wrote, you actually contradicted the hell outta yourself a few times, from the way I see it anyhow.

Where you copied me and rewrote, "It's obvious that many women don't feel comfortable sharing or expressing their emotions", you then follow up with "I talk all the time about my day. Don't you know that I love you because I unloaded my emotional wreak on you?" Do you NOT think this is how we open up and share with men? I know I would expect the same from my husband. If he had a good OR a bad day, I wanna hear about it. Once again, COMMUNICATION is the floodgate to understanding and obtaining a feeling of worth from your partner.

You said, "Doing these things for men is a very important factor in COMMUNICATING". Doing WHAT things for men? Shutting up and not talking? How is that important to communicating? I don't know, but last I heard, communication involved discussing matters and sharing feelings on occasion. How else can you learn more about your partner so that you know how to continue to make them happy and understand their needs?

As for the next paragraph, I could see where men could fall under the same issues as women. Yes, men do want to hear they are loved and feel reassured. But how often do men actually do this willingly for their female counterparts? There are a hell of a lot more women out there showing their men praise and gratitude than there are men. Men would rather high five their buddies for a fart and belch while watching a football game, than give their wives a pat on the back after a good meal or good job done at work. I bet there are plenty of women out there that will agree with me.

At the bottom of that same paragraph, you go on to contradict yourself again. You say, "I'm not saying women don't have emotions..." then proceed to call us emotional rollercoasters.. blah blah blah. But then you say, "I'm just saying they (as in women) don't see the importance of doing things together and acting on what they are feeling emotionally." Now how in the hell do you come to THAT conclusion after you just called us "emotional rollercoasters??? LOL I mean, women not acting on what they are feeling emotionally.... HAHAHAHAH Come on. Did you proof read your cute little copy and paste before you put it up, or just thought you'd do it to be funny?

"If women could just realize men need this from time to time, I think there would be a lot less cheating men running around out there. LOL I'm not saying ALL women are this way, but there is definitely a huge majority that have no clue that doing these things means so much to men."

Need what? The lack of communication? Is that what you're truly getting at here? You think that women "nagging and bitching" about our men not talking needs to stop. I get that. So we should go throughout our lives never speaking to our spouses/boyfriends about things that really matter? I bet there are (like for everyone) some serious skeletons in your closet, or some issues that you would definitely be much better off about if you were to get them off your chest. So is it normal/healthy to not speak about your problems? OR should men just bottle it up until it explodes? Or should you just withhold your praise and affection for your wife/girlfriend until her ticking time bomb explodes, she becomes fed up after being neglected emotionally, and seeks happiness and understanding somewhere else? As for men running off and cheating, don't you think the next woman they "bag" is gonna want the same damn thing after a while?

Just because men are scared of becoming "vulnerable" through communication, does that mean women should stop needing to communicate? Women cannot help it that they need to hear things from their loved ones from time to time. And yeah, sometimes we ask over and over again. That should be a clue to you that something is wrong. If we feel the need to keep asking, then there's definitely something unresolved going on. And just because women feel the need to "nag" or ask something over and over, that doesn't necessarily mean she SHOULD continue to do it. But sometimes it is just beyond our control.

Just as a man reacts physically and visually to most things, women react to things initially on an emotional level. So should we ignore your need for the physical and the visual? What if all women didn't give a f**k about what men needed physically and visually? It'd be a depressing ass world wouldn't it, when all the big-ta-ta'd blondes decided to give up on their looks, and blow jobs were no longer an option during sex. Try living without the things that please you so much based on your "inner workings", and maybe you'll see why some women are so bothered by not being emotionally fulfilled.

I gotta say, this is my first rant, and by f***ing Golly, it felt pretty good. Sorry if I pissed you off, but please, be original and use some thought before copying and pasting something that you felt the need to belittle. Maybe I'm wrong about your stand. But please, if my accusations about your "contradictions" are wrong, please clarify for me and others what the hell your point was in the first place.

MM

[WiredCoffeeJunkie]

Ok smartypants.. lol. You got my attention in your cute attempt to knock what I had to say. But by copying what I wrote, you actually contradicted the hell outta yourself a few times, from the way I see it anyhow.

Where you copied me and rewrote, "It's obvious that many women don't feel comfortable sharing or expressing their emotions", you then follow up with "I talk all the time about my day. Don't you know that I love you because I unloaded my emotional wreak on you?" Do you NOT think this is how we open up and share with men? I know I would expect the same from my husband. If he had a good OR a bad day, I wanna hear about it. Once again, COMMUNICATION is the floodgate to understanding and obtaining a feeling of worth from your partner.

Floodgate. Yes. I agree.

You said, "Doing these things for men is a very important factor in COMMUNICATING". Doing WHAT things for men? Shutting up and not talking? How is that important to communicating? I don't know, but last I heard, communication involved discussing matters and sharing feelings on occasion. How else can you learn more about your partner so that you know how to continue to make them happy and understand their needs?

By listening sometimes.

As for the next paragraph, I could see where men could fall under the same issues as women. Yes, men do want to hear they are loved and feel reassured. But how often do men actually do this willingly for their female counterparts? There are a hell of a lot more women out there showing their men praise and gratitude than there are men. Men would rather high five their buddies for a fart and belch while watching a football game, than give their wives a pat on the back after a good meal or good job done at work. I bet there are plenty of women out there that will agree with me.

I don't watch sports. I understand your message though. I tell my girlfriend how beautiful she is to me and how much I adore her every single day. I also tell her a bit about my day, but I don't overwhelm her with trivia. Not all men can handle the volume of emotions you just threw across this topic. I doubt more than a handful could finish reading it on a bet.

At the bottom of that same paragraph, you go on to contradict yourself again. You say, "I'm not saying women don't have emotions..." then proceed to call us emotional rollercoasters.. blah blah blah. But then you say, "I'm just saying they (as in women) don't see the importance of doing things together and acting on what they are feeling emotionally." Now how in the hell do you come to THAT conclusion after you just called us "emotional rollercoasters??? LOL I mean, women not acting on what they are feeling emotionally.... HAHAHAHAH Come on. Did you proof read your cute little copy and paste before you put it up, or just thought you'd do it to be funny?

Simple. My emotional needs and those of the majority of men are entirely different than you assumed them to be.

"If women could just realize men need this from time to time, I think there would be a lot less cheating men running around out there. LOL I'm not saying ALL women are this way, but there is definitely a huge majority that have no clue that doing these things means so much to men."

Need what? The lack of communication? Is that what you're truly getting at here? You think that women "nagging and bitching" about our men not talking needs to stop. I get that. So we should go throughout our lives never speaking to our spouses/boyfriends about things that really matter? I bet there are (like for everyone) some serious skeletons in your closet, or some issues that you would definitely be much better off about if you were to get them off your chest. So is it normal/healthy to not speak about your problems? OR should men just bottle it up until it explodes? Or should you just withhold your praise and affection for your wife/girlfriend until her ticking time bomb explodes, she becomes fed up after being neglected emotionally, and seeks happiness and understanding somewhere else? As for men running off and cheating, don't you think the next woman they "bag" is gonna want the same damn thing after a while?

Point taken. I was flip and although I'm sure a few men chuckled, I didn't think through how you would take that statement. I apologize. My skeletons are in the hallway, not the closet incidently. This is an . messageboard.

Just because men are scared of becoming "vulnerable" through communication, does that mean women should stop needing to communicate? Women cannot help it that they need to hear things from their loved ones from time to time. And yeah, sometimes we ask over and over again. That should be a clue to you that something is wrong. If we feel the need to keep asking, then there's definitely something unresolved going on. And just because women feel the need to "nag" or ask something over and over, that doesn't necessarily mean she SHOULD continue to do it. But sometimes it is just beyond our control.

And ignoring you is beyond our control. Just don't get pissed when we turn up the volume on the TV. Truely, too much is too much and once you reach the point of too much, our ears and mind shut down. We say things like "so what do you want me to do" and we look for flower shops to send flowers to your work.

Just as a man reacts physically and visually to most things, women react to things initially on an emotional level. So should we ignore your need for the physical and the visual? What if all women didn't give a f**k about what men needed physically and visually? It'd be a depressing ass world wouldn't it, when all the big-ta-ta'd blondes decided to give up on their looks, and blow jobs were no longer an option during sex. Try living without the things that please you so much based on your "inner workings", and maybe you'll see why some women are so bothered by not being emotionally fulfilled.

I didn't get blowjobs for 14 years of marriage. That argument doesn't pass the smell test. I can't help that you're so needy.

-Mike

[Lola]

Speaking for myself, and leaving out quite a bit still.. by age 10 I had learned to lie, to hide things that I was sensitive about, to not bring up topics that others responded negatively toward, to deliberately obfuscate to protect myself from punishment, teasing and judgments by others.

By age 20 I was tall and strong and those things became easier. People stopped questioning me openly about whether I might have lied or what secret thoughts I had.

By age 30 I felt shame over most of my emotions and desires and lost nearly all feelings of happiness and life seemed to have nothing substantial to offer me, I could see little to look forward to...

I'm now 37 and trying desperately to be open, communicative and honest. That's brought me peace and happiness although it is still to this day a nerve-wracking experience for me to really open up and tell others what's going on inside me.

It's not that I didn't know what I thought (although often I could not identify exactly how I felt about something or other) but rather that I was utterly terrified that giving away the information would ultimately cause me emotional pain.

I get the impression that many men have a similar biography.You are male,right ? Are you British,too ? Great Britain is a very lad-defined (thus anti sensitive emotion and communication) culture,so it wouldn't suprise me,if you have learnt these attributes.I know a British man who is in the exact same position.Opening up can be a truly great experience.

[Sammg]

I was watching an interesting documentery earlier about men and communication or lack there of. One suggestion that has come up is that men are genitcally programmed not to respond to emotion. They used the example of the first men on the african plains about to kill for food, and being able to get past emotion to kill for food. Interesting I thought. Men are coming around though, evaluation takes millions and millions of years (as well as some good ol' fashion coxing from a female partner)

[mostirreverent]

Funny, we are really good at expressing anger, and not just through physical exchanges. After hitting my law mower with a hammer, I feel we now have a good rapport. Laughter and joy are not difficult to express. It seems it is the self-assessment and feelings of hurt and sadness which are feelings not expressed by men. Some will say this is about showing weakness. It may be, when in the presence of other men, but I maintain that they are more often feelings that if expressed will not change the situation. So it maybe just a conservation of emotional energy that keeps us quiet.

[Lola]

I was watching an interesting documentery earlier about men and communication or lack there of. One suggestion that has come up is that men are genitcally programmed not to respond to emotion. They used the example of the first men on the african plains about to kill for food, and being able to get past emotion to kill for food. Interesting I thought. Men are coming around though, evaluation takes millions and millions of years (as well as some good ol' fashion coxing from a female partner)

Yes,i'm suprised no one mentioned that before.
Now that things are changing,i wonder what evolution has in store for gender.It's a fascinating topic.

[MarriedMom]

I can't help that you're so needy.

-Mike

Yeah, well women can't help it that a huge majority of men are assholes either. But who cares, you guys aren't listening anyway, right?



MM