nasty mother in law

[Joy]

Every so often you meet a bully in your life, and because this has usually been at work both times I have been able to move on eventually, after a while. But I really do not know how to cope with my mother in law and I get really upset I am taking this awful treatment right in my own house, when she comes to stay. I am going to try to cut off all contact, which is a very difficult thing to do because convention tells you to be nice to sad doddery old ladies who appear all innocent on the outside, and people including my partner and my mum think I should try harder. But once a bully always a bully, and I am pretty sure that if she is denied her nasty contact with me which is always done on the sly, and is so rewarding to her, that she will move onto someone else. I think bullies need a target, and to deny them that is to deny them their pleasure, and the thrill they get from making someone unhappy, it cheers them up. Bullying is always done on the quiet, and can be very subtle. I plan basically to never see her again, and I think my partner will accept this, he is really a big part of the problem because he treats her like the queen, and she loves it, spending his money in huge amounts while telling us she has no money to buy food with and her fridge is empty. I went off the deep end so much yesterday she was too scared to come to my daughter's birthday party, and so was my partner. I think it would be a good idea for you to read up all about bullying by getting some books, and see if there are any courses in psychology that cover the subject, you need to be well informed, because bullies are very clever, and mother in laws actually do break up couples. Other members of your family will not realise because she is clever, and you can't cope well if you are upset. If you want to marry then do it in a lovely place on your own, spend all the money on something just for the two of you, and have a big party later on. I am upset because my daughter's 3rd birthday was something I really looked forward to, but I was there and her dad made a brief appearance, but they missed out on the party, not me, it was much more stressful than planned but still wonderful, I have just got to make sure that lonely old woman with no more invitations to her granddaughter's parties does not make me feel upset and guilty, those bullies really have a tie over you, but I am hoping it can be broken. It needs you to consider your actions carefully and be a bit harder, it fits into the same category as things like stalking and emotional cruelty, maybe it is worth paying secretly for a counseller to talk to, but remember you are dealing with a problem somebody else is causing you, your upset emotions are just a side effect of it.

[Guest]

I don't know what to do about my mother in law. (sorry this is long) We used to get on fine - although I have always been aware that the day would come when we would fall out as I've thought she was quite a pushy woman and interferring. We never had that much contact as even though my husbands family live nearby he has never really felt the same as the rest of them and was looked down upon for going out and not settling down.

However things got really bad when we decided to get married. She was really happy for us, and then we started organising things and then things just went down hill from there with regards to my relationship with her. I admit I didn't really want her involved - this was my wedding and something I wanted to do with my mum and my parents were paying for it. My husband wasn't too bothered in organising things himself anyway.

First of all it was a nasty voice mail left on our answer machine addressed to my husband only about me and how as they weren't paying for things they weren't involved - we havd only just started making plans. Then she said that the date we had chosen was insensitive as it was my husbands dead grandmothers birthday.

Then one day I was short with her as time was getting close and I was stressing out and I just didn't need her ringing me up every 5 minutes so after running to my husband to complain to him about me, getting her husband to tell mine that I was a liar she then called me at work and called me a nasty, visous (sorry cant spell) b***h. Nice!! She wouldn't under any circumstances be coming to the wedding - oh and then nor was his siter as she was last to the the invite. She apologised and I accepted but then the week before the wedding I gave her her tables for her plan so she could sort them and that turned into an ordeal also. She wanted to change all the tables, sent me en email 2 days before telling me the wedding was turning into a nightmare and implying it was my fault she was feeling unwell, ignored me at the rehersal but tried to change things. Gave me the table plan at 7pm the night before the wedding so I was up til midnight getting everything finalised and could not spend time with my family and friends. Ignored me on the wedding day, but rang to speak to me at 8am on that morning - no I did not speak to her. Added in a bidding prayer without asking us on that morning. Didn't even thank me for the card and flowers. Didnt want to sit next to my dad as they hadnt met due to the whole name calling incident. However, they bought us our honeymoon which means I have to be eternally grateful - which I am, but...

So we came back from honeymoon and I sent a card to thank for the honeymoon - I didn't see why I should go round as far as I'm concerned she's not speaking to me. But then she buys me a birthday present - more lavish than normal, which I did not want. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but why do all this? Is it OK that she chooses when she wil and wont be speaking to me? Now I have to thank her for this too. I refuse to speak to her as I feel she has been unfair especially in the run up to our wedding.

But now its causing arguements with my husband as he just wants us to forget about things and get on but I don't see why I sould. She should know that she cannot treat people like this. I know that she has done similar to another daughter in law and is generally like this. Eveyone tells me she is not mentally right and I have heard stories about her from peoples work colluges etc which are not too good. What can I do? Avoid her forever or make up?

[animallover15]

I have to say this is something that has to be sorted out now with your husband!!!! Otherwise it will continue forever.
He is YOUR husband and you deserve some understanding and loyalty...he doesn't seem to want to rock the boat but it needs addressing
He is the one that should be able to get across to his Mother that what she did to you was not right and that there needs to be some ground rules on how she treats his wife!!
Never let this woman get away with that type of behaviour again or she will think she has a doormat for a daughter in law!

I sometimes think it's all about a struggle for power!

[cookie77]

I would give up on her, had a nasty mother in law once and best thing about my marriage break up is I would never have to see or speak to her again! If she had fallen off the planet it would have been a happy day for me!

I think you should confront her with it all once and for all, and what if she doesn't speak to you again then at least you won't have to put up with insults. I suggest you tell your husband you are no willing to put up with it all and that if he wishes to see then no problem but that you won't be going with him and if he wants to invite her round to yours again no problem but meet a girlfriend for coffee.

Goodluck!

[I am the nasty mother-in-]

I am the so called nasty mother-in-law. I first met my future daugther in law. We took them all on a exotic vacation. I was very excited my son (24) had met someone, he had been hurt in a previous relationship. I am trying to be unbias in this response. They were told to pay airfare and their own spending money and we would take care of everything else. It was our 25th anniversary. (With our other son and his girlfriend they saved to pay airfare and spending money they are high school kids)
At the last minute, we had to pay their airfare or risk losing the cost of the vacation, then they came with only 50.00, charged every thing to our cabin even a present for us. That was not a good start. It got worse, we tried to help them get started loaning them money, and when they came to the house they took food. Which is ok we dont want them to starve. Then when I was on business travel they came again and took other things. My son took her student loans in her name cause she could not get them in her name, so she went to college and he worked. She could not get a part time job due to the fact she was carring a 12 hour credit load. My husband and I went through college working fulltime and going to school fulltime so we were a little put out at this. I think the last straw was when I found out I didnt have cancer but they had to remove an ovary (I am 45) and she stated "why dont you just have it all cut out". From one woman to another that was mean. I am a bit of a pain in the ass to my son, I want him to finish college he has less than a year and she made it clear he was not going to finish she was in control. Last straw was she invited my husband to wedding and not me. How am I suppose to be nice to this woman. They take our money borrow and loan but i am not good enough to go to the wedding. My heart is broken but I will stay away I wish my son a happy life but I dont want to be part of this soap opera anymore. I am trying to get over this we were a close family before and it is hurting all of us. Aunts, uncles, grandparents. I would appreciate any help on this. My husband and I are lost, we felt we provided a loving and caring environment, we coached, room parents, worked extra jobs to send him to private schools and summer adventures. Did I expect too much having him finish college. He was at Cornell at 17 and and is quite brilliant. Now he is working a construction job and is almost bankrupt, we had to stop helping them with money. Maybe we did too much. So with out other son we do not want to even meet his girlfriends anymore. What happend to our dreams for our son to reach his potential??? He is at fault here he left without saying good bye and moved to another part of the country. So i am the horrible nasty mother in law. I suspect the anger I feel will keep me from a distance.

[Guest]

Good to hear from you Nasty Mother-in-Law. For some reason though, I don't quite believe you in your analogy for your nick! There are always two sides to every story and it sounds like you have been hurt by this young lady that married your son.

I am not a MIL... yet. But I see it in the cards. It is hard. I've had two MILs in my lifetime (divorced the first arse after catching him in bed with a blonde) and I can say that they have been absolutely the best. BEST. They have opinions sure, and sometimes they voice them. Sometimes I see it for what it is and keep my mouth shut and sometimes I discuss it with them. Like "Wow, that was a real stinger. Do you really think I do that?" ie, communication.

I only hope that I have the patience and love that these ladies have shown to me for decades. (Yes, even after the divorce, that MIL is still part of my life and I love her to pieces. The ex has been married 4 times since me! lol) I have two sons that both have girlfriends they want to marry. I can't say i don't have problems with them. I mean, I AM the mother, right? But just because I think #1 son's girl shouldn't have packed up every damn thing in the house and let him come home from 5 days in the field fighting fires to an empty home.... just because i thought she should TALK to him about her leaving before she rented a house for 6 months... just because I walked into his house and he was sobbing... and just because she got back with him shortly thereafter and he ended up paying BOTH a house payment and RENT... and just because I gave her $500 to bail her out of the bank problems... lol! Yeah, I have some problems. BUT... he loves her and that's what matters. We can't attempt to make decisions or fortell the future for our kids. It is a little scary, but I try to bury myself in MY life. Thank yous would be good. Respect is good too. And that goes both ways.

[Trine79]

Please help!!! Like many others of you, I am becoming increasingly defeated by my mother in law to be. We have just become engaged and are getting married next year and the mother in law has been darn right rude about ignoring the whole thing. Its had me on the brink of tears several times as i'm a person that likes to get on with people, i'm no good at all with confrontation as I cry and its seriously getting me down.

Its getting to the point where i'm dreading my wedding day as she'll be slagging off all my mum & mines hard work, we've tried to involve her (they are not giving any monetary support) but she just said its up to us and left it at that. I think money is a big issue with her and she certainly doesn't like to see us spending it.

I really want some advice on how you've dealt with MIL's regarding wedding plans, is it best not to tell her anything (and she'll get shitty) all best to tell everything (and she'll slag it off and make very obvious snipey comments).

Please help.

[Guest]

Please can anyone else in my situation talk to me... id love to have a pen friend, someone i can talk to along the way with similar problems as I...
Basically my im due to get married in two months and am seriously considering calling the wedding off. My mother in law to be is a serious problem to our relationship. Ever since the beginning (over 4 years) she has had a problem with me. Everything Ive done has been wrong... Im constantly trying to keep the woman happy, make sure my husband to be buys her flowers... make him visit her and generally tread on egg shells to keep the cow happy. She be-littles me at every opportunity and has a very manuplative way of making sure i back down every time i try to have the confidence to stand my ground... Now ive come to realise im never going to have a relationship with this woman.. shes now tipped me over the edge by controlling and making oppinions of ALL my wedding plans... weve recently changed them all... Ive even sacrificed my own happiness on many occasions to keep peace.. (mostly for my fiance's sake)... its just gone too far... She has no respect for me as a woman.. i dont know what her problem is... she speaks to me as though im a child which infuriates me. NOT ONLY do i have this problem... she also lives in viewing distance from my parents home!!... NOT ONLY do i have these problems... she has the same dam birthday as me!.. you can imagine what grief and upset i have... NOT ONLY this but she is also friends with my beautiful mother.... so ive seriously nearly had a complete breakdown... so much so im seriously considering as to whether its all worth it. Its recently coming between my relationship with my mother and it ENDS THERE!... I love my fiance so much but the future is looking bleak. Id so appreciate being in touch and becoming friends with someone who is experiencing the same issues as I. I would like children but really dont want this mess to bring them into. Weve recently decided to tell her what will happen should it carry on and that if we have children.. she will be ruled out of their lives... (and that will certainly be the case!!!!!) IS THIS ALL WORTH IT???.... please speak to me if you have the same problems... im most unhappy at the time in my life when im supposed to be soooo happy with our marriage... WHY, WHY, WHY do these sad women become so bloody selfish!???.... she has two boys... been alone for a long time (wonder why) and is sly to my parents... my mother is not worth loosing for any man with a complete mad mother!!...

[katkin]

Hey.....I REALLY feel for you!! You sound JUST like me. My Mother In-Law did/has done the self-same things to me over the years and it even escallated to physically punching and hitting me. I think that SOME of these women have a Personality Disorder - BPD in my MIL's case. She would sop at nothing to try to divide and conquer. At first, I was on my own with the problem and then my husband 'saw the light', 'woke up and smelled the coffee' and realized that I wasn't going to hand around if he didn't stand up to her. Of course, it was my personal responsibility too and I stopped behaving like a naughty child and, together wmy Husband and I limited our contact with her. It's NOT ideal BUT......when it's either YOUR marriage and happiness or HER unreasonable demands......there REALLY IS NO CONTEST love.

[CY]

My mother-in-law is a very jealous person and tries to be very controlling. My husband is a 'mummy's boy' and we support his mum financially (his mum lives in a house paid for by us, we even pay all the bills). When we first got married she made it clear that I wasn't good enough for her son and even spoke to him about it! She used to say things like 'You should keep your wife under your thumb' and once, after listening in on a row between my husband and me she told him to divorce me!

She used to say horrible things about me to the rest of her family and my husband all behind my back! When I confronted my husband all he said was 'my mum didn't mean it'! We I spoke to her about it initially, she denied it all and then she said she couldn't remember what she had and hadn't said. Thus making me out to be a liar!

Anyway, I decided to keep my distance and work on my relationship with my husband and 2 years ago we had a baby son. My mother-in-law sees my son once a week when my husband takes him around to her house. Since his birth she has looked after my son about 6 times for a few hours when my husband and I have had an evening out.

2 days ago I left my son with her for a couple of hours so that I could get some Xmas shopping done. Since then my son has been saying 'he's not happy with mummy' and 'he doesn't like mummy'. Bearing in mind that my wee boy is only 2 years old at first I thought it was just something he was going through but now I'm beginning to think that it's maybe something his grandmother has said!

My wee one doesn't give a reason for the things he's saying but just keeps saying them! Before this my son always wanted me and all of a sudden for the past 2 days he just wants his dad! I know for a fact that my mother-in-law always pushes any sort of conversation she as with my son towards 'his dad' and 'how great his dad his'. If my son mentions me she changes the subject and always says 'what about daddy....daddy is the best...etc...’

Now I can't help thinking she's trying to turn my 2 year old against me by saying things that she shouldn’t be when I'm not around!

[Guest]

Two year olds don't turn away from mommy after a 2 hour visit with grandma! She might have said something, but seriously, do you really think a 2 year old baby is going to pick up on all that in that short of a time? You don't think you're being too sensitive? My sons had their preferences daily. We would just laugh it off it they went to dad one day and mom the other. I would give it some time, see if it goes away, and then give grandma one more shot. If it happens all over again, then maybe your 2 year old is ultra-easy to sway. Babies LOVE their mommies...just like mommies love their boys.

[Guest]

OK, I understand where you're coming from in the above reply and I've never thought it possible before and I'm probably being a little over cautious but I think I have good reason because of what used to happen with my father-in-law before he passed away. My MIL and FIL never got on as my MIL is quite a bit younger than my FIL. They used to argue often but it's what used to happen during these arguments that scared me. My husband would always take my MIL's side and a few times he has ended up hitting/punching my FIL hard in the face!

I lived in the same house as them (which is my house) for 8 months after I got married as we looked after them. My MIL is only 59 and in very good health. My FIL was 75 when he died 3 years ago. He was a very ill and frail man - he had 2 types of cancer. Sometimes my FIL would ask my MIL for a glass of water (for example) and my MIL would ignore him - (he cold hardly walk). He would then ask again and again she would ignore him, in the end he would get frustrated and shout for a glass of water. My MIL would play the 'long suffering wife' card to my husband who would in turn lash out at his father!

Over the years before my FIL passed away my MIL managed to somehow turn my husband against his own father in such a terrible way and even though my husband stayed in the same house and could see what was going on he was somehow blinded by his love for his mum. My FIL loved his son very much and no matter what he would have done anything for him until he the day he died. I saw and went through this every day of the 8 months we all stayed together.

My husband has also hit me and even threw me out of my own house in the past all because he couldn't take anything said against his mum! This is the way she has bought up her son and continues to meddle in her own little way day in, day out and he continues to defend her!

All of the above has happened in front of my MIL and instead of stopping her son, she takes great pleasure in telling me that 'it's because her son loves her' and 'he's just trying to knock some sense into other people'

As you probably know 2 year olds are quite impressionable and I just feel that over time, little by little as my son gets older, she could maybe instil some of the same nastiness in my son and like she turned her son against his dad, she could turn my son against me!

[guest jkljdklfjsk]

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THESE STUPID F'ING OLD WOMEN!..
I have promised myself never, EVER to be this way when my son gets married!....
These women are bitter, old, twisted SLUGS!

Ive had problems for years with the SLUG... Its heart-breaking and causes so much anxiety and depression.

I honestly suggest that those out there consider getting married to anyone who hasnt got a healthy relationship with their mum.
I know it sounds awful .. but I certainly will NOT cry when she passes away!..

Evil I know.. but thats what ive been drawn to!

Nice to know that im not the only one. they are so bloody hateful......

[Guest]

...and you are such a peach? No wonder you have problems.

[montana]

i have a mother in law that lives with us. i know not a god idea but she used to be nice...my step son is 10 and she lets him hit my daughter and then yells at my daughter. i hate confrontation but i cant allow my children to be hurt. i am ready to give an ultimatum she plays the frail helpless person and is different when my husband is around problem is he just took a job where he leaves for 3 to 4 days at a time. then her bully side comes out i was taught to respect and i want my kids to respect adults but i find that hard when she doesnt respect us any help