Fellatio on ration (how to avoid?)

[averageguy]

I’ve been happily married for 7 years and everything in our life is wonderful, bar one thing; my wife can only bring herself to give me oral, say, three of four times a year. She doesn’t enjoy doing it and feels I should respect the fact that she gives me everything else. I agree, but occasional nights I feel so frustrated, this deprivation can sometimes develop into mild depression. I then lose a night’s sleep. It’s as if she has a mental block. Otherwise our sex life is fine but I just find fellatio so intimate it’s hard to go without. Is there anything I can do to persuade her that it doesn’t demean her it just makes her husband feel more loved and cared for?

[MarriedMom]

Hi there averageguy,

Well, it may not be that your wife doesn't like giving oral, it may simply be that she is disgusted at the thought of you cumming in her mouth (I mean, it's not like you're not getting ANY blow jobs, even though 3 to 4 times a year could feel that way, so the thought of even attempting a blow job doesn't sound like her problem). There are a lot of women that feel the same way. When she does perform oral, have you noticed her gagging, or does she suck for a while... stop... suck... stop... etc., etc.? This could be the culprit in your dilemma. Her acting this way during a blow job is a sure sign that she is scared to death you're gonna nut off in her mouth. LOL

Some other possibilities are 1: Maybe she morally thinks it is wrong/disgusting 2: She could have had a really bad experience with another man in the past while she performed oral, or 3: She's scared she's not doing it right.

I wouldn't really consider the first possibility, considering you've gotten blow jobs from her before.

When women have very little experience in giving blow jobs, they worry they are doing it wrong... especially when it takes longer for a man to climax through oral. She's down there, giving it her best, worrying the whole time about whether you are enjoying it, worrying that her teeth will hurt you, her jaw is aching, her neck is cramping, and all of this is causing her some mental anxiety. She is seeing it as a chore instead of a thing to be shared and enjoyed by both of you.

You definitely need to discuss this with her in a delicate manner. If you are open and sincere when asking, and you express to her how deeply you feel about it because you enjoy it so much from HER, then she will be less likely to take the defensive. Tell her how it makes you feel that she doesn't do it, AFTER you tell her how wonderful it makes you feel when she does do it.

My guess would be that either she doesn't like for you to cum in her mouth, or that she is insecure about her ability to give a good blow job. Ask her flat out, "Do you not want me to cum in your mouth?" If she doesn't, then you're going to have to accept that and find ways around it. Once you get close to orgasm, TELL HER. DON'T surprise her with a squirt in the mouth. That will only piss her off/insult her, and she will be less likely to do it again. Verbally exclaim when you're about to cum, and then let her finish you off with her hand. After she's been giving you oral for a while, she might warm up to it and get braver. I know when I was first giving blow jobs, precum alone would make me gag. I actually puked the first time a guy came in my mouth (poor fellow) but after getting used to it, and after seeing how much my partners enjoyed it, just knowing how crazy I drove them doing it made me crave the act.

If she's not familiar with how to "tickle your pickle" then you're going to have to do one of two things: Be patient and hope her involvement encourages her to learn and improve, or find a NON-DEGRADING way of introducing a "how-to" manual for her. I'd go for the first method to begin with, and then if she becomes responsive and sees that it is something both of you can enjoy without pressure being involved, THEN I'd throw out a manual for her (preferrably after a night of wild love-making). DO NOT try to hand her a book BEFORE you guys get busy. That will only make her feel pressured to perform and could lead to her pulling away from the very thought.

I hope I was helpful. The best advice I can give you is COMMUNICATION. It's so funny how couples can forget that simple act. Open up to her and get to the depth of what bothers her so much about one of the greatest expressions of erotic intimacy between two people.

Good luck!

MM

[joffa from down under]

WOW .... MarriedMom ... Will you marry me ??????

[averageguy]

Thanks MarriedMom, it all makes sense to me. I'd love to cum in her mouth but I never have, so I won't lose sleep over it. But I'll ask her if that's what she's scared of - I think it may well be - (even though it's never happened, I assure her it won't) - I feel more optomistic - Thanks again.

[MarriedMom]

WOW .... MarriedMom ... Will you marry me ??????

PMSL

Sure Joff, I'll marry you. Especially if your avatar is you with that cute little butt... LOL

And I'm glad I was of some help to you, averageguy. I truly do believe that may be the problem. Keep us updated on the situation if you get to the point to where you discuss the matter with her. Hope to hear back from you.

And in the infamous words of stand-up comedian, Andrew Dice Clay, when he was talking about a chick giving him a blow job and she was just barely licking the head and didn't want to do it...

Clay: "Hey, what's the problem down there?"
HER: "But I don't want that stuff to come out.."
Clay: "What are you expecting, a tuna on rye or something?"





MM

[averageguy]

Okay, we’ve had open and frank discussions, but she seems as reluctant to talk about it as do it. After all that intelligent advise from MM. She says things like “It’s just not me – do you want me to be someone else?” (although she does do it once in a blue moon) and “I’d rather pay someone else to do it!” (I hardly think she meant that). I’ve kept the conversation as non-confrontational as possible and just talked in a positive way, like how good it is but she finds the whole subject a criticism of her. She finds it insulting “if that’s what I need to be happy…” (happier actually) Our sex life has improved (there’s one positive result) due to these talks (it’s always been good) I think she’s trying to say “look how wonderful everything else is”. I think she’s got a mental block on doing something sexual which is only enjoyed one way - and I’ve never pushed it this far before. I love her and I’m thinking of dropping this quest and settling for the fact that I’m a lucky guy anyway, (frustrating to say the least) but if anyone has got any imput I’d love to hear – sometimes it needs someone to think out of the box!

[averageguy]

This can be closed now as we’re well on our way to solving this problem. For those of you who may be interested, we’ve agreed a plan. My wife will do it once a week, but not enjoy it. In return on another night I have to massage her to sleep or long erotic massage whatever she feels like – only she climaxes (a night each per week of indulgence or unilateral-pleasuring as she says) Mondays, we always go out, so we won’t stop making love as usual. (busy week). No more discussions. We each keep a diary. We’ll stick to this until May. Then we’ll discuss how we feel and how we want to move on. (I’m going to ensure April will be the happiest month she’s ever had – but on the other hand, if by May she’s still reluctant – I’ll give way – at least I'll know I tried). My guess it'll be a compromise and a pretty decent one at that.

[OverTheRainbow]

Why should your wife have to do something she doesn't enjoy? Doesn't sound fair to me.

[averageguy]

I find the last post rather negative and one-sided. Is it because I’m male? Is the insomnia and mild depression fair on me? Is it fair on my wife to feel she’s rejecting me yet feels powerless to do anything? It’s a serious psychological problem when someone out there may have a solution. I was really looking for constructive comments. MM’s was much appreciated.
A number of years ago we went through a long period of celibacy. She admitted it was deep-rooted hang-ups and assured me it was definitely her not me. Her love was just as strong but he libido had dried up (her words). My patience turned to habit and after a few months of zero sex we both agreed it wasn’t healthy for a married couple. We should really have taken professional advice. But what we did do was conscientiously make an effort to slowly reintroduce it back into our relationship. Now we’re both like rabbits. The only thing which didn’t return was oral sex. She loves me doing it to her but she feels guilty. (I’ve got used to her idea that it’s not foreplay) She likes to climax and rest for a long time or sleep. I am very happy to give her pleasure then sleep my erection off. She feels too guilty, so she even limits the times I do it to her. I gain pleasure by giving her pleasure that’s why she shouldn’t feel guilty. I believe, when she says she doesn’t enjoy fellatio, it’s for a similar reason, she simply can’t grasp the concept of pleasure in bed being one-sided. No, I’m not a tyrant looking to force my wife to do things she doesn’t enjoy, I’m trying to find the key to coaxing her away from these unnecessary negative things she’s attached to what MM described as “greatest expressions of erotic intimacy between two people”

[fan]

i have to say i do agree with over the rainbow on this one

good sex is something you both enjoy doing why not respect the fact that blow jobs are not your wifes thing and concentrate on the other things you both enjoy..........

im not sure i could actually get off on something i knew my boyfriend was only doing because he felt he had to and was not having fun himself

[averageguy]

I think you’re both looking at it too superficially. You both seem to have answered classiclady’s problem in the same way. It’s not difficult. Apathy breeds contempt. My wife hardly ever complains and would never storm out of the house, however she does live a life of luxury and she’s totally oblivious to the imbalance of effort and sacrifices I continually make to maintain a high standard of living. I’ve allowed this to perpetuate but never see it as a problem. What I can’t accept is giving up on finding a solution that’ll make us BOTH happier and intimate. Thank God, I didn’t come to you two during that period of celibacy. The laisser faire approach and tolerance simply didn’t work; it just formed a habit. She needed coaxing. Gradual persuasion did work; not me being a monk. Our sex life is now excellent and rewarding for both. It’d be non-existent if I hadn’t coaxed her back. I am hoping to achieve the same thing with oral sex. It’s no-longer climbing Mount Everest to her; she did it to me last night un-expectantly. She was in a really good mood this morning. Okay, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I feel seriously positive (for both of us). But if anyone has got anything constructive to say….

[fan]

crikey you need to wake up and smell the coffee ..........your all "me,me,me".............you keep her in life of luxury so she has to suck your C***?............if thats your idea of a fair swap then you need therapy

[trinity]

you dont say what your doing to your wife while shes giving you oral well said fan

[averageguy]

These one-liners are very insulting. You’re not understanding my posts. I’m not swapping fellatio for her privileged lifestyle, I’m swapping it for cunnilingus. She gets serious enjoyment from it but feels guilty as it’s too uncomfortable to have sex after she’s climaxed. She thinks its wrong – it’s one-sided. But for me, the pleasure is giving her pleasure. She can’t understand that. Surely it’s only selfish if one decides to be more of a receiver than a giver over time. It’s not that she hates the act of fellatio, she just doesn’t enjoy it. It’s not that she hates cunnilingus (far from it) she just sees that if I do it right (not always) she thinks its wrong I have to sleep an erection off. It’s unusual, I know; normally lovers integrate oral sex with foreplay and there’s no big deal. In her case, she can’t (and that I won’t push on) so I’m adapting rather than just throwing oral sex out of the window for the rest of our lives. I’m simply hoping to open a new avenue of enjoyment without hang-ups for BOTH of us.

[catweasel]

Averageguy,

I take my hat off to you. I had a friend, who due to a past experience in her child hood - she would not perform oral. She actually thought of a man's gentials as so disgusting it was quite limiting in her relationships. One day - she met a man who was understanding, compassionate and caring. They worked through this in a similar way to what you have described and now she has a completely different outlook on it all - they also got married and have wild love making etc.

One thing I think all these negative posts are missing is that
a) you are staying in the relationship and talking
b) you obvioulsy have the type of relationship where you can discuss this stuff
c) you are not running off behind her back to satisfy your desires.
d) you want to make it better for both of you

You know, my partner isn't as sexually charged as me and in relationships there will be inbalances like this. It's down to communication and working things through that determines if you have something special - i.e the relationship of a life time.

I like the idea of a diary - it's great. Not everyone's solution or tool, but it works for some. It's what works for the relationship.

To those negative post, I think you need to appreciate, we are not talking here about some 18 year old guy forcing his girlfriend to give head. Seems it's a caring relationship - strong too and they have an issue that needs working out. As to the comment about privileged lifestyle...I think the emphasis was that she is treated like a princess and cared for. If he didn't care - he could satisfy his desires outside the relationship - we all know this.