My husband bought jewelry for an ex!

[Margo]

Dear everyone,

This has been plaguing me since Christmas time and I'm hoping all you lovely souls out there could help me. I'll tyr and be brief without leaving out details:

My husband and I are newlyweds (been together for almost three months). He's had this ex-gf who's been a friend of his (and sometimes more than a friend of his) for years. What bothers me about her is that she was seeing my husband (who wasn't my husband at the time) when she had her own boyfriend of 6+ years. Anyways, this Christmas, he sent her a diamond bracelet, which cost over £100. They always exchange these lovely-dovey e-mails and he told me that they don't mean anything and he just says stuff on the e-mails to make her happy (like "Hi beautiful," or "With all my love.") Problem is, how do I know that he's not just saying stuff to make me happy...

Anyway, I am still really bothered about this. I had to find out that he sent her the bracelet because he didn't tell me. It makes me sick because she's like a disease that won't go away. She was after my husband AFTER he told her he was getting married. It's like she can't be happy with her own man, and she wants somebody else's. On the weekends, when they were in school together, she'd be with her boyfriend and he's be lonely. They'd only hang out on the weekdays. She's treated him badly as a friend, but he still runs back to her. I talked to his mom about this and she says she's sick of hearing this girl's name. She also says that maybe my husband is doing this because of the "unattainable" factor.

I did manage to talk to him about it. But he assured me that he would never leave me for her or any other woman. I asked him to just leave me and be with her if he cares about her that much, and he said that she's just been a friend for a long time and that they could never be together because of what they've gone through and because they're total opposites. He said that he just needs her because she's a friend that's "saved" him and made him feel better when he was hurt. I told him how threatened I feel in regard to her, because no matter how good I am to him, she will always exist. Ugh!

I am so upset because about that diamond bracelet because he could have used that money to help me out and pay the electric bill. We are both reporters, and I work full-time and he freelances, so his income isn't steady and I've been paying for EVERYTHING!!! He did buy me expensive earrings and a necklace (which totaled up to £400+), but why did he have to send her a diamond bracelet? Couldn't he have sent something else and NOT jewelry?

I need your help with this ladies. Even if you can't offer advice, your words of comfort will always help.

[MarriedMom]

Hi Margo,

I have to say that if I were in your shoes right now, I'd be spitting nails. His behavior with this girl in my opinion is totally inappropriate, especially considering how new your marriage is. Any guy that is willing to shell out that much money on a woman, especially to buy her jewelry, is definitely thinking about a woman in more terms than just friends, but that's just my opinion. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but I'm just going off the obvious here. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants to leave you for her, but he is getting some kind of thrill out of stringing this girl along, and vice versa. It's an ego boost that this girl is still giving him attention, even after he has married someone else. What he sees as just an innocent friendship may actually be a long-lived habit of flirting and mutual mini-courtship.

I too used to be a news reporter, and I know what a reporter's salary is like (ESPECIALLY when you're only doing freelance work!). For him to go out and buy this woman expensive jewelry when your finances are struggling speaks volumes too. And writing to her with affectionate, "lovey dovey" terms, that would be the last straw for me. Have you ever talked to this woman yourself to let HER know how you feel? Maybe if you haven't it's about time you do so. You really do need to put your foot down on this matter, and vent on how his behavior is affecting you. Have you asked him how it would make him feel if the roles were reversed here? What if you were "friends" with a guy that you bought a $100 bottle of cologne for? Would that not eat away at his nerves?

I don't know, Margo, this can be a really tough situation for you because considering how you approach it, he will more than likely take it as a personal attack and may begin to hide things from you even more. The fact that he hid the purchase of the bracelet for her from you says a lot though. He knew it would upset you, and he did it anyway, hoping you wouldn't find out. It sounds to me like he is pining for this girl and may have some feelings for her that he never fully resolved in the past. You need to tell him that if it doesn't stop on the "lovey dovey" level, that you are going to "give him some space" for a while. Tell him that if he is having such a hard time choosing between you and this woman, then he needs to take a serious look at what he is doing and ask himself if it is worth ruining your relationship.

Any woman in your position would feel threatened to some extent. I would definitely tell him that this "friendship" of his is pushing you to the breaking point, and if he doesn't resolve some issues with his behavior with her, then you're going to have to take some drastic measures. It's not fair to you, and I'm sorry, but his actions with her are truly inappropriate.

I really don't know what advice to give you as far as how to approach him, because if it were me, I'd do the drastic thing and just leave him for a while to see what he does. I'd force him to see how detrimental his "friendship" was to our marriage, and make him see that he needs to bring things with her down a few notches. It really wouldn't be fair to say he couldn't be friends with this girl anymore, but it's really not fair to you when he behaves the way he does with her.

Does she call the house too? Are there any times that he hides talking on the phone, or any times that he seems to be sneaking out or getting home late? Do you suspect he might be communicating with this girl more than you actually see? If you see any signs that he is hiding more than just jewelry purchases from you, then there is definitely a sign for caution there.

Good luck to you, and let me know how things go for you.

MM

[BennJones]

Dear everyone,

This has been plaguing me since Christmas time and I'm hoping all you lovely souls out there could help me. I'll tyr and be brief without leaving out details:

My husband and I are newlyweds (been together for almost three months). He's had this ex-gf who's been a friend of his (and sometimes more than a friend of his) for years. What bothers me about her is that she was seeing my husband (who wasn't my husband at the time) when she had her own boyfriend of 6+ years. Anyways, this Christmas, he sent her a diamond bracelet, which cost over £100. They always exchange these lovely-dovey e-mails and he told me that they don't mean anything and he just says stuff on the e-mails to make her happy (like "Hi beautiful," or "With all my love.") Problem is, how do I know that he's not just saying stuff to make me happy...

Anyway, I am still really bothered about this. I had to find out that he sent her the bracelet because he didn't tell me. It makes me sick because she's like a disease that won't go away. She was after my husband AFTER he told her he was getting married. It's like she can't be happy with her own man, and she wants somebody else's. On the weekends, when they were in school together, she'd be with her boyfriend and he's be lonely. They'd only hang out on the weekdays. She's treated him badly as a friend, but he still runs back to her. I talked to his mom about this and she says she's sick of hearing this girl's name. She also says that maybe my husband is doing this because of the "unattainable" factor.

I did manage to talk to him about it. But he assured me that he would never leave me for her or any other woman. I asked him to just leave me and be with her if he cares about her that much, and he said that she's just been a friend for a long time and that they could never be together because of what they've gone through and because they're total opposites. He said that he just needs her because she's a friend that's "saved" him and made him feel better when he was hurt. I told him how threatened I feel in regard to her, because no matter how good I am to him, she will always exist. Ugh!

I am so upset because about that diamond bracelet because he could have used that money to help me out and pay the electric bill. We are both reporters, and I work full-time and he freelances, so his income isn't steady and I've been paying for EVERYTHING!!! He did buy me expensive earrings and a necklace (which totaled up to £400+), but why did he have to send her a diamond bracelet? Couldn't he have sent something else and NOT jewelry?

I need your help with this ladies. Even if you can't offer advice, your words of comfort will always help.

I think the sentences i marked bold are a good explaination as to why he made her a nice present.I wouldn't be jealous.