Problems with fiance

[Cambridge]

yeah well, he was saying today that the only reason a man tries to become friends with a woman is when he is attracted with her or wants to sleep with her. That my business partner would probably want to sleep with me at the first opportunity and that male-female friendships are a myth, so he doesn't want me around him(business partner).

Jesus Christos, was this guy born in the jungle? Where did he get this degree in psychology, at Tijuana Tech?

Assuming this is all true (remember i said i recognize I'm only hearing your side) it would seem this guy is doing everything he can to attack your self-esteem. If that is the case you definately need some time out from each other. All men want to do is sleep with women...pshhh... Some of us have other things on our mind as well.

[FFFCaroline]

He may be thinking of when you are out of town with him and have a couple of drinks too many, you may end up in bed.....Now, things like that do happen at Conventions....Sometimes something innocent can get a bit familiar.....I guess I kind of lean the way of your husband.....I know I would not let my husband do this.....He is too hot and like the Rosanna said this is a nice looking man.......

Familiarity, can often breed possible closeness....Kind of fact of life...

Just my thoughts,
Caroline

[rosanna_6]

He may be thinking of when you are out of town with him and have a couple of drinks too many, you may end up in bed.....Now, things like that do happen at Conventions....Sometimes something innocent can get a bit familiar.....I guess I kind of lean the way of your husband.....I know I would not let my husband do this.....He is too hot and like the Rosanna said this is a nice looking man.......

Familiarity, can often breed possible closeness....Kind of fact of life...

Just my thoughts,
Caroline

Look, I hardly drink so that is out of the question. Besides I have enough self control. Even if I take up a regular job in my industry it is full of mostly men and I would have to travel with them anyway. And that is also the case in a large part of the corporate world. I take every possible care to not hang out with him when we are not working because my fiance doesn't like it. If I really wanted to be with my business partner I would not have started dating my fiance at all.
Especially since I have had this business for almost 6 years and been with my fiance for 2 years.
So you'd tell your husband to give up a business in this case?

[rosanna_6]

yeah well, he was saying today that the only reason a man tries to become friends with a woman is when he is attracted with her or wants to sleep with her. That my business partner would probably want to sleep with me at the first opportunity and that male-female friendships are a myth, so he doesn't want me around him(business partner).

Jesus Christos, was this guy born in the jungle? Where did he get this degree in psychology, at Tijuana Tech?

Assuming this is all true (remember i said i recognize I'm only hearing your side) it would seem this guy is doing everything he can to attack your self-esteem. If that is the case you definately need some time out from each other. All men want to do is sleep with women...pshhh... Some of us have other things on our mind as well.

um, I don't know if he's trying to attack my self-esteem...By needing some time out you mean taking a break in the relationship?
Yeah, you are hearing only my side, but I am 100% sure he would say the things I have mentioned on here freely, too; he always speaks his mind out.

[FFFCaroline]

Years ago I was in the insurance business.....Not into sales but into the secretary end...I watched and saw things that happened....I am also aware of life now...If your business is that good then stay with it...If you marry him now with the way that he feels, the marriage will probably crumble....You could have two strikes against you to start or else you start out fresh and find another man who accepts who you are as a woman and is not jealous...He obviously does not feel comfortable with this situation....I can see his point and I can see yours.....Good luck....

As far as my husband....I trust him but I don't trust other women.....This is a plain fact of life....

[Cambridge]

Years ago I was in the insurance business.....Not into sales but into the secretary end...I watched and saw things that happened....I am also aware of life now...If your business is that good then stay with it...If you marry him now with the way that he feels, the marriage will probably crumble....You could have two strikes against you to start or else you start out fresh and find another man who accepts who you are as a woman and is not jealous...He obviously does not feel comfortable with this situation....I can see his point and I can see yours.....Good luck....

As far as my husband....I trust him but I don't trust other women.....This is a plain fact of life....

Sooo...that's a NO.

[rosanna_6]

His sister (who knows what is going on) came over yesterday and told me I should show more respect for my fiance and our relationship, and said, "If you want to be with him you will do this for him. You should have been smart enough to know that being so close to another man would cause problems in your future relationships."

[FFFCaroline]

Here I tend to agree....He worries about you....Maybe there is something that he sees that disturbs him....Maybe not you, but the other man in this relationship...Closeness brings more closeness....When you are spending more time with your business partner than your husband, you are starting to travel a bumpy road....You confide things just to talk to them about a problem....Even intimacy may become a subject that is discussed when it was never planned from the start....He is worried because he loves you not because he does not love you...Just my thoughts....

Caroline

[rosanna_6]

Here I tend to agree....He worries about you....Maybe there is something that he sees that disturbs him....Maybe not you, but the other man in this relationship...Closeness brings more closeness....When you are spending more time with your business partner than your husband, you are starting to travel a bumpy road....You confide things just to talk to them about a problem....Even intimacy may become a subject that is discussed when it was never planned from the start....He is worried because he loves you not because he does not love you...Just my thoughts....

Caroline

No, he just said something could happen because we are working together. It is like that for most women in the corporate world because it is hugely male dominated,As I said, I am extra cautious and don't spend time with him other than for work, and I have never ever discussed about intimate issues with my partner and never would.Don't making generalisations that everyone is going to do that. This is also essential because I must always focus on the business relationship which has to have formalness to it.
As for having thought of what would happen as a result in advance, come on, anyone who is working will anyway have to work with males, and in many jobs work together on projects, for long hours and even travel together. So it is ridiculous to say that I should have thought of it in advance. It is just a business, after all. And I'm not always thinking about relationships that I would have planned for this.

[FFFCaroline]

I can only speak of my thoughts as you can speak of yours....You see I am jealous of other women being around my husband....Not that I am not secure in his love for me, but that I do not trust them....Being married 50 years, I am also aware of how difficult it is to make it work and keep the fire burning all these years....You asked something and I gave my answer.....It seems to me that you had this figured out in your mind before you asked....

I do know much about life and the corporate world...Probably more about relationships and making it work, then you will ever know...But, my words are of who I am and not who you are....We both think differently.....I understand how your business means much to you and know how rough things can be to get ahead.....Saying this, I see a man that is jealous....It can and will affect many things in your marriage.....Can your marriage stand this?......Will love prevail or should the two of you just stay a couple until this is settled?......If this is this big of a thing now, how will it play out if there is a child involved?.....

Just my thoughts,
Caroline

[rosanna_6]

I can only speak of my thoughts as you can speak of yours....You see I am jealous of other women being around my husband....Not that I am not secure in his love for me, but that I do not trust them....Being married 50 years, I am also aware of how difficult it is to make it work and keep the fire burning all these years....You asked something and I gave my answer.....It seems to me that you had this figured out in your mind before you asked....

I do know much about life and the corporate world...Probably more about relationships and making it work, then you will ever know...But, my words are of who I am and not who you are....We both think differently.....I understand how your business means much to you and know how rough things can be to get ahead.....Saying this, I see a man that is jealous....It can and will affect many things in your marriage.....Can your marriage stand this?......Will love prevail or should the two of you just stay a couple until this is settled?......If this is this big of a thing now, how will it play out if there is a child involved?.....

Just my thoughts,
Caroline

I didn't mean to say you don't know anything about the business world or relationships, I'm sure you do. I was just trying to say that I have seen lots of people, males and females, working together in a similar environment for a long time and nothing has happened between them. That's all. I apologise if it came across the wrong way.
I don't actually have everything sorted out in my mind and certainly didn't when I posted the original message, but yes, am angry and sad because it feels like an accusation in a way when I have never done anything and have always been faithful.

[FFFCaroline]

Honey, I understand everything you are saying and thank you for your kindness....I guess, in the end this is a matter of your heart....We can't solve it and each person has their own thought....However, it is you that must live with your decision....You must answer can you live without him?...Will he change and allow this?....Is your business more important than this man in your life?....

Life is not easy but for me my decision was made over 50 years ago when I decided to fly to him and marry him if he was to ship out.....You see I am deathly afraid of airplanes and have never flown....I guess I truly would have followed him and will follow him to the end of the earth....I am just plain a woman in love....

Do what you have to do....Don't try and leave it to other people to make your decision....Right or wrong makes no difference....It is the two of you that will live and love in this marriage and not us.....

[MaxtheGaul]

rosanna, I hadn't realised you have two threads running. You asked the question would any man allow this. Yes I can answer that because I have more than once.

I had a very strong relationship with a woman who was a high flier in her business. I admired her for it and would never have dreamed of making her give it up for me, it would have destroyed her. We had three great years together, eventually for completely different reasons we split up, but she used to travel, almost entirely with other men, stay overnight, and have all sorts of temptations thrown at her. I never once asked her not to take a trip, or questioned what she had been up to. I did agree with her right from the start that we would always be honest with each other and she kept to it, and that was all I needed.

Now I am coming up to the tenth year in a wonderful relationship with a girl I adore who has many admirers and who works for a large multi-national, she has wide responsibilities and needs to travel frequently. What matters to me is that we have a commitment to each other and neither of us will lie to or wilfully hurt the other. She's had a lot of fun on some trips and enjoyed the attention she gets, but I hear all about it when she gets home, I trust her completely. Sometimes I'm jealous, because I would like to be with her (and sometimes that is possible), but I would never dream of asking her to give it up. Why? Just because I don't trust her? What sort of relationship is that?

Caroline is wrong about trusting her man but not trusting other women, she is afraid he may let her down. I don't trust other guys, but unless we are talking r**** (and then I'd kill him!) I have no need to worry about whether I trust other guys or not. She will make the decisions and I'm happy that she will make them well.

That was a long way of saying "Yes" you can find men who will trust you (assuming you are worthy of that trust).

If you go into a relationship with someone who does not trust you then there is no hope for that relationship. It will crumble, and you will regret it.

Of course if you choose to give up your work that's a completely different thing, but that is your choice to make, not his to demand.

[Cambridge]

Rosanna,

Thanks to Max for shining some light on the essential points. I too detect a bias in Caroline’s stand, but at least she puts it in the conditional. If you marry him and continue to hold onto this business, your marriage won’t go well.

With this I agree. But appeasing an insecure lover is not the answer for a strong, energetic woman who has started her own business and now runs it. It’s time to think about this. You need a real man, not some excuse for a man. How does a woman with your capabilities get involved with this scared rabbit, anyway?

You need to break it off with this guy and his sad-sack sister and get into the big leagues. That’s where you belong, hun. There are lots of guys who are totally secure within themselves and they won’t cower like your present fiancé.

Cam

[rosanna_6]

rosanna, I hadn't realised you have two threads running. You asked the question would any man allow this. Yes I can answer that because I have more than once.
If you go into a relationship with someone who does not trust you then there is no hope for that relationship. It will crumble, and you will regret it.

Of course if you choose to give up your work that's a completely different thing, but that is your choice to make, not his to demand.

I didn't realise there were two relationship sections here; the second time I came to the forum I went to the wrong one and thought my post had been deleted, so I registered and posted again(copy, pasted from another forum I posted on)!
If I do quit it will solely be because he wants me to. I have put a lot of hard work and money into my business, and I really enjoy working in it, so there is no reason why I would do so otherwise.

But appeasing an insecure lover is not the answer for a strong, energetic woman who has started her own business and now runs it. It’s time to think about this. You need a real man, not some excuse for a man. How does a woman with your capabilities get involved with this scared rabbit, anyway?

You need to break it off with this guy and his sad-sack sister and get into the big leagues. That’s where you belong, hun. There are lots of guys who are totally secure within themselves and they won’t cower like your present fiancé.

Cam

Quite a few of the men I dated earlier were intimidated because I earned more than them. My fiance is an investment banker, we make around the same amount and therefore don't have those problems. Even the other men weren't fully okay with my business partner being male, but they never made their dislike so obvious(although they made the occasional "this is strange" comment).
I don't know what you mean about getting into the big leagues.