Help! Facing A Horrible break-Up...what can I do?

[kindsoul01]

Hi, this is my first ever post but I'm really lost and not sure what to do...

I'm 34 and my girlfriend is 25, and we've been together for just under 3 years. We bought a flat and have been living together for just over a year.

Until 5 weeks ago, she was pushing hard for marriage, a new house and babies, which I too was keen for. We seemed very happy. Suddenly, she then completely changed her mind 180 degrees and we're now trying to work through a very rough patch. She's unsure if she wants all that anymore and even if I'm the right guy for her.

Last night she finally told me the main reason for her doubts. We get on very well, have fun, laugh together, and generally have a great time. But recently, she's worried that we're just like house-buddies rather than partners, and that she's lost all sex-drive for me.

Sex in the 1st year was great (isn't it always?!), and was still ok up until 5 weeks ago. She had just gone back on a brand new pill called Ceragette which seemed to kill all her energy and life and zest. I appealed to her to change it and she's gone back on her old pill (Yasmin) as of a week ago. I can't help but wonder if that pill really caused a lot of the anxiety which prompted her getting cold feet about settling down - but as a man I can't really appreciate what hormone changes are capable of, so I'm in the dark here. Plus, it seems foolish to blame everything purely on just one thing.

We've booked time off together, and it's been great, but no sex at all. I tickle her back, give her massages etc. and I have told her to relax - I'm not after sex and I'm prepared to wait until she feels more comfortable about things. She said to me "give it time and wait until I come to you".

The thing is, I'm so worried that she won't come to me at all.

But what else can I do? Do I continue to be 'intimate' with the back rubs etc. or do Ieave her alone completely? She loves the attention, but it doesn't go any further than that. Part of me thinks it's important to preseve some level of intimacy, but I really don't know how to handle it. Maybe i should just cut out all physical contact and wait..?

I'm in good shape, I'm very considerate (sometimes I've been accused of being too 'nice'!), and it's hard when I'm happy to do WHATEVER she wants in bed for her own pleasure, but I'm just not being desired right now. I keep thinking "what's wrong with me? Am I not attractive to her any more? What can I do to make her feel sexy again?"

She also said that as it's really hard for her to climax then she almost feels like sex isn't worth the effort - hard words for me to hear! This was an issue for us when we first got together, as I love putting the girl's needs first before I get my fun. Once I accepted that it's only sometimes that she can come, then it was fine.

She isn't seeing anyone else, and she openly admitted she's not masturbating with her toys or on her own when I'm not there - she's just not sexual at the moment. Is there a good way of approaching this? I have prepped a short email telling her not to worry, let's give this some time etc. but would that only add more emphasis and pressure on the intimacy and sex side of things?

What can I do? It's breaking my heart, and I can see a break-up on the horizon...It feels so awful. Female advice in particular is usually invaluable at this point where things like mood changes and the pill are concerned. I can't second guess any more - I just want to have a plan of how to act and behave over the next weeks to hopefully let her sex-drive return. Is it possible that the Ceragette pill (which I learned was well-know for killing sex-drive) is somehow still working itself out of her system? I have no idea.

Thanks for reading, I really, REALLY appreciate your time and advice!

Cheers,

Kindsoul x

[LightRibena]

she's gone back on her old pill (Yasmin) as of a week ago.

In case you didn't know, a new pill can take up to 3 months for hormones to normalise. You could even recommend (if nothing changes with the sex drive) that you try no pill and use condoms and see how that works.

She sounds like she is in a bit of a rut. Try doing something different and fun with her. Perhaps all she needs to see is that she can have fun even with the constraints of mortgages, bills and other responsibilities that you don't have until your around her age. What kind of dates did you guys go on before you became a serious couple? Rekindling the past together can be fun. I've even tried having a "first date" again with a past boyfriend, it was fun.

You also seem like a worrier. You need to relax a little and stop thinking about if she is going to let you go. Stop yourself from dwelling on the negative and think of the positives.

[kindsoul01]

Thanks! Your reply made me smile and was really useful! Yes, I am a worrier (how did you know?!?) and I often have to stop myself from acting jealous, needy and insecure (three things that aren't exactly the most attractive traits in a man).

I'll definitely give it some time - I'm paranoid that she's looking for another man to fill the void if we break up, but there's no evidence for that and again I think I just need to relax and CHILL OUT!

It's only been 10 days since she changed pill, so I'll try not to smother her, or give her too much attention in the meantime and just let he have her space. I asked her yesterday why we don't just split up right now and save the drawn out heartache - she said that it wouldn't be giving things a fair chance and that she really didn't know what she wanted. I imagine that if hormones are all out of place then feeling uncertain but not knowing why can be absolutely infuriating!

Anyway, we've booked some holiday time in Barcelona next month, and I'll give her some space over the next four weeks before we go to try and let things settle. Hopefully, if the pill thing has any role to play in all this, then maybe it'll be out of her system by then, or at least on its way out..?

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, it really helped

[angie66]

give her some space. she seems to have taken you for granted, and you seem like good guy. women are bea*. the worst you treat them the more they are after you.

[LightRibena]

the worst you treat them the more they are after you.

Not true for all women. My fiance was always the 'nice guy' and yeah, he probably missed out on relationships with odd women who like to be treated like dirt, personally I think they were missing out and those types of women will never be happy. Stay a nice guy

Maybe set up a romantic surprise for one of your nights and/or days in Barcelona.

[kindsoul01]

Thanks both - it's a bit of a balancing act because I think I'm guilty of being TOO attentive to her. I'm enthusiastic and considerate, but I don't react well to when that's not reciprocated. So I've been trying to back off and give her some space, and just be easy-going and fun when we spend time together.

If I can be calm for the next four weeks then hopefully we'll be going to Barcelona in a good emotional state...It seems so funny right now to think of me doing ANYTHING romantic with her ever again, but that's a negative viewpoint - a lot can happen in that time, or even in a day, so I'll just keep my eyes on the prize, but from a distance. I'm hoping that if I can do that then she'll work it out and come to me in her own time and way.

I'll keep thinking of your advice, thanks so much again